Rochester, NY – NASA Satellites are confirming that all of Rochester’s potholes have now combined into one “superhole” a category that has formerly been reserved for craters on Mars and some of the more promiscuous Kardashians.
Scientists are unsure what this means for Rochester’s future but speculate that when Lake Ontario floods Edgemere Drive again this year that is might seep into the new Superhole and create a nice stagnant murky water pool for children to play in.
Rochester, NY – Rapper/Hypeman Flavor Flav weighed in on the battle between Tops and Wegmans while performing in Rochester last night. The Public Enemy star threw his vote behind Tops, in a mostly inaudible but full throated endorsement, as best grocery store in the area with his main point being that, “they don’t care if you smoke in there”.
The concert took place last night to a raucous crowd of mostly wait staff in Ball Room 3B of The Diplomat Party house in Gates. That’s where Flavor Flav put his full support behind the bankrupt super market stating that, “you can get 10 pop-tarts for 10 bucks in that motha f***a… and the flavor flaaaaaaaaaav ain’t bad neither.”
“He was kind of in an out of consciousness throughout the entire night,” explained Stacy Benson who attended last night’s concert with her family. “A lot about how the lettuce is really old and it reminded him of ‘Dat ass on Delicious’”.
At press time reports show that Webster grocery store Hegedorns has been in talks with DMX and The Ruff Ryders about a possible endorsement deal for their Spring quarter.
Last week the Tonight Show Star Jimmy Fallon was spotted partying it up at Mulconry’s Irish Pub and Restaurant which is exciting if you’re a big fan of SNL or Fever Pitch.
But if you’re a fan of The Daily Show before it was good or The Late Late Show before it was g̶o̶o̶d̶ whatever it is now, we have another big Rochester cameo for you!
We have received rumors on the InnerLoopBlog Tipster Line that Former Host Craig Kilborn has been hanging out at Lux and has a new job. Selling cocaine!
It seems Craig has gone from putting smiles on people’s faces to putting them up their nose.
Rochester N.Y. – The long abandoned Medley Centre, may have not been as abandoned as we all thought. For years the Medley Centre has been a hot spot for junkies and the homeless to gather for soup kitchen style sex parties and the occasional fire in a barrel on the decrepit carousel. Now, the Rats residing within the former shopping center have had enough with the disgusting behavior of the homeless population taking up shelter there.
“We’ve been here since day one” says retired karate instructor and Medley Centre resident Master Splinter. “We tried to co-exist with the vagrants that came in here once the last stores closed but it’s gotten too out of hand.” Many ratsidents of the Medley Centre moved in because of the inexpensive housing and the great school systems. “When the mall closed, rats and the families moved here in droves,” says rat middle school teacher Nigel Ratburn (formerly of the hit television show Arthur), “there are children here and they are constantly exposed to the disgusting habits of the homeless community.”
Talks between leaders of each group have gone on but lets face it, we’re talking about a conversation between a rat and a person so many doubt they will get very far.
The Rat Community is fed up with the drug abuse and filthy sexual performances displayed by the infestation of homeless who have moved in to their space. A vote will take place and the issue will be brought in front of the Rat King (which of course we all know is a bundle of rats who have gotten their gross rat tails tangled together to make one mega huge super gross rat blob) on what to do about the homeless inhabitants . Ratsidents (yes I had to use it one more time) of the Medley Centre have considered handling the population a la the black plague, but most hope it doesn’t come to that.
Rochester, NY – In an attempt to curry favor with new management and possibly turn his Fall Internship into a full-time paid position, Jeremiah Hoffstetter took it upon himself to “Welcome the new Fujifilm owners” to Rochester. But unfortunately for Jeremiah, he took it too far.
While the person who was in charge of stocking the breakroom vending machine was inserting some new packs of Fritos, Jeremiah convinced them to include some “homemade” packs of worn women’s underwear into the machine.
After being caught red-panty-handed via security camera, Jeremiah was promptly reprimanded, stripped of his Xerox credentials, and escorted out of the building.
“I studied abroad in Tokyo last semester. I thought this was a big part of the Japanese culture,” Jeremiah Hoffstetter told The Inner Loop in an exclusive interview. “Did you know there are also machine’s with worn women’s shoes too? I just wanted them to know we GET IT you know…”
Xerox executives say they’re embarrassed over the incident and plan to make it up to their new Fujifilm owners by throwing a “traditional Japanese party” which will include sake, sushi, and “something called hentai?”
ROCHESTER, NY – The shit has been piling up for Stacey Clark. Literally. One of the only parts of winter she enjoys is letting her Golden Retriever Rosco have his way with the backyard and not having to clean up after him.
“The key is to pick it up right before Spring” says Ms. Clark. “You want to get to it when the snow is thawed enough to see the landmines but cold enough to keep it frozen stiff. If you let it sit out too long in the sun you got yourself a mess.”
Donald McRonald of the Fertilizer Adaptation Rochester Tilling Society (F.A.R.T.S.) says that “dog poop is great for your garden!” McRonald claims that if you compost the poop before putting in your garden, it can kill toxic bacteria it contains that is harmful to humans.
After the interview, Donald gave The Inner Loop some Tomato Sauce he made from ingredients in his garden. If you would like some let us please write to us at TheInnerLoop@AOL.com. It pairs well with a merlot and a doctors appointment.
No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to figure out how my doctor has gotten so many pictures of me crying for this “Rorschach Test” he keeps giving me. Every time i’ve tried to complain he keeps telling me I should be “committed” but I feel like I’ve been pretty committed to getting to the bottom of this mystery so I don’t really know what he’s talking about. The guys got hundreds of these pictures, he’s even got pictures of my Uncle Jerry who used to wrestle with me all time (naked wrestling too, just like the romans!)
If anyone has any information about this please reach out to me, I was gonna drop it, but he’s started showing me pictures of me having sex with my mom and that crosses the line!
ROCHESTER, NY – This week Amazon announced the 20 Cities that still remain in the running to get their new headquarters; HQ2.
Rochester teamed up with Buffalo to create a joint proposal for the potential Amazon location but failed to make the cut losing out to:
“How the shit are we going to compete with Flavortown!” said one frustrated local official.
While it’s disappointing that the Rochester area will not get close to 50,000 new full-time jobs that come with HQ2, it’s more upsetting that we will also not get all the other perks that come with adding Amazon.
For example in Seattle where the original headquarters is located, residents enjoy access to things not available in other parts of the United States. Including Drone Delivery, Alcohol shipping, and Jeff Bezos is known to go to local schools to beat the shit out of bullies.
Amazon also offers benefits to the less fortunate providing 5 story houses to the homeless made out of recycled cardboard boxes.
The shipping giant did, however, offer the City of Rochester free shipping on orders over $25 as a consolation for all of their hard work and continued disappointment in being an area where businesses go to die.
ROCHESTER NY – You might want to get your spot in line for the first Public Market Food Truck Rodeo today!
Tide announced that they will be rolling out the world’s first Tide Pod Food Truck right here in Rochester, NY.
Inspired by the Viral Tide Pod Challenge where millennials go on Youboob, Myface, or Whatevertheshit, to share a video of themselves eating the mysteriously delicious looking laundry packs, the company has decided to “lean in.”
“At first we told them not to eat them. We even got Rob Gronkowski to tell them to stop. But it only made them eat more. So we just said screw it, if they’re going to put them in their mouth, we might as well capitalize” said Johnathon Proctor.
When we asked the Proctor and Gamble subsidiary if the Pods (Known on the street as Tropical Raviolis) they will serve out of the food truck will be safe, they shrugged and told us “does it even matter.”
ROCHESTER, NY – When Sam’s Club abruptly closed 63 stores nationwide and announced sweeping layoffs, many customers were angered. However, many more customers knew this would be an opportunity to let their cheap flag fly because the pending going out of business sale would be “Dope.”
Locally, the Sam’s Club stores in Greece and Henrietta will be shut down permanently, and Rochester’s chintziest members are lining up in droves to pick at the carcass of the Wholesale supplier before it’s official mercy killing on January 26.
During peak shopping times, it’s estimated that the line to get into Rochester’s Hottest New Club will cost you 90 minutes of your life to get
“I had to fight a few elderly women, but I was able to walk away with a months worth of toilet paper for only $28” says Cindy Borglish who was loading 10 bulk packages of TP into her Ford Fiesta.
We crunched the numbers, with 36 rolls coming to a package, that means Ms. Borglish is basically telling us she uses 360 rolls of toilet paper a month? Is she running a commune or is she taking the world’s worst dumps? We will write a follow-up soon because clearly, this is the bigger story.
