Webster, NY – Dave Carter has had a rough week. He had to remove all his MAGA and “F*** Your Feelings” yard signs after Joe Biden was confirmed as President-elect and now he’s dealing with anxiety after receiving an email warning him that Bill Gates has inserted microchips into the new COVID-19 vaccine.
“It’s from a source I trust completely. It’s a guy I met on 4chan that also correctly predicted that Joe Biden would buy voting ballots from Al Qaeda and dump them into the elections in exchange for supplying his son with a copious amount of designer drugs,” says Carter.
Afraid that all his “cuck libtard” family members will make the mistake of getting the vaccine, Carter issued a tweet through the voice recognition software in his new Ford F250, which he’s given full access to his phone’s files and contacts, to let everyone know that Pfizer is up to no good.
ROCHESTER, NY – When Sam’s Club abruptly closed 63 stores nationwide and announced sweeping layoffs, many customers were angered. However, many more customers knew this would be an opportunity to let their cheap flag fly because the pending going out of business sale would be “Dope.”
Locally, the Sam’s Club stores in Greece and Henrietta will be shut down permanently, and Rochester’s chintziest members are lining up in droves to pick at the carcass of the Wholesale supplier before it’s official mercy killing on January 26.
During peak shopping times, it’s estimated that the line to get into Rochester’s Hottest New Club will cost you 90 minutes of your life to get
“I had to fight a few elderly women, but I was able to walk away with a months worth of toilet paper for only $28” says Cindy Borglish who was loading 10 bulk packages of TP into her Ford Fiesta.
We crunched the numbers, with 36 rolls coming to a package, that means Ms. Borglish is basically telling us she uses 360 rolls of toilet paper a month? Is she running a commune or is she taking the world’s worst dumps? We will write a follow-up soon because clearly, this is the bigger story.
Rochester N.Y. – Marissa Collins is a normal 27 year old young professional. She has a good job, a bustling social life and a boyfriend of three years whom she plans to spend the rest of her life with. Marissa has always wanted a family but knows that her youth is important to her and doesn’t want her life to take a turn due to an unplanned pregnancy. A long time birth control user, Marissa has taken a leap of faith by cancelling her birth control prescription and trading it in for a season pass to Seabreeze Family Fun Park.
“The time spent at Seabreeze is an obviously more efficient and more practical form of birth control,” said Marissa. “Who wants to have their alarm embarrassingly go off once a day, alerting everyone nearby that you are actively pre-aborting fetuses before they are even made.”
Marissa tells us that instead of taking a pill daily, she spends a half a day at the amusement park once a week and it extinguishes any ability of her own to procreate and conceive a child. “The throngs of screaming spawn, running around the park with pee in their pants and hair may as well be a chastity belt with a melted key,” says Collins’ longtime boyfriend, Nathan Brown. “It’s frustrating at times, but the days her and I spend at the park are fun, and I can barely get a boner anymore as it is after having my groin scrunched by roller coaster constraints so many times.”
We asked the couple if they planned on one day having a child of their own to bring to the park and enjoy in the fun, to which Marissa replied with laughter, “Maybe one day, when they bring back the Gyrosphere.” But for now, the pair seem content with their decision to keep their genitals dormant like sleeping volcanos. “After seeing how simple it is for any old set of idiots to make a grosser, smaller version of themselves, the thought of birthing a child seems to have lost its luster for me,” said Ms. Collins, “Now get out of my way, I need to try and sneak this cotton candy onto the Jack Rabbit.”
It was a regular day for Jack Denning, father and former lead singer in Rochester 80s punk band ‘The CaddiDaddis.’ He was tuning up is signature 1985 Fender Telecaster when he found a joint in his the case and decided to break his near 31 year T-break.
After much consideration, Jack tried to connect with his son by playing his favorite Bleachers album, ‘Strange Desire’.
“I just didn’t understand why people cared about all of his bands” Jack said referring to Antinoffs prominent musical pedigree. “They’re catchy and all, but that autotune stuff and over producing was a real draw back for me.”
Eleven minutes into Jacks ‘Bleachers and chill’ sesh,
‘I Wanna Get Better’ comes on the vinyl machine; and something magical happens.
“I had never thought to listen to them high before,” he said. “After the song ended I looked at my song in tears and said ‘You know what Travis,I totally get it now. I WANT to get better’.”