ROCHESTER, NY – “Show Us Your Tits! Show Us Your Tits!” Chants can be heard throughout the city this Mardi Gras as women strenuously lift layers of sweatshirts and turtle-necks to expose their breasts in exchange for plastic beads. Some are mothers, some sisters, some heavy-set men passing a tired joke as an original. Whoever they are, we can all agree they are FUN! In the middle of it all stands recent Feminist Lit Studies grad, Ashley VanderHausen, 24.
We asked her what she thought about all of this. “I mean, is it feminist if I flash my tits? Is it sexist if I don’t?” Ashley wondered, donning a “Nasty Woman” t-shirt over her Bills Mafia sweatshirt over her UnderArmour turtleneck.
“As a sex-positive feminist I reserve the right to show my body in whatever way I want. But, like, if all these guys are yelling at me and telling me to do something I wouldn’t usually do, I mean do I want that for Me? Or do I want it for them?”
She lit an American Spirit and distractedly sucked in smoke.
“Like I was about to do it, I was, but then I was like ‘What would Gloria Steinham think of me?’ And then, like, this really old guy who kind of looked like my dad – er, well, that picture of my dad – started chanting too, so I just went inside and did a ton of blow.”
“I knew I’d be be getting with tons of chicks in college, but I didn’t know it would be this good!”Said Brad Brunswick, smiling from ear to ear as he sat at his desk organizing all of his Rohypnol into a neat pile. “Atleast 3 of them were semi conscious.”
Brad has become a legend amongst his fraternity brothers at Phi Kappa Phi Phi Phi Kappa and a terrible memory that will never fade for over 30 female students, a new record for the fraternity.
“I swear that dude forcefully drags home a different girl every night, I’m so jealous!” Said one of his “brothers” who refused to be named for legal reason
Brunswick offered some advice for any college student out there who hasn’t had as much success as him.
“All it takes, is a good attitude, a little bit of charm, and a sociopathic disregard for the effect your actions have on others.”
Rochester Mayor Lovely Warren presented Kevin Hannon with the key to the city for what is being called an act of heroism during a ceremony at 1 p.m. on Friday.
“That man saved my life.” said 22 year old Chad Dartmouth as he chain smoked cigarettes outside of his subsidized apartment building. “I don’t know if I would be here if not for what he did for me that night.”
Witnesses say that on March 14th, after what was touted as “the best night ever, I love you guys you are my best friends man, I love you.” by Hannons best friend Chris Snyder, Hannon suggested that the group visit Nick Tahous for garbage plates, to sober up so that they could drive home.
“I’m good to drive man, I just need to get some food in me, ya know.” said Hannon, in what Warren on Friday referred to as “a sign of what the residence of this City can do when faced with adversity.”
“It’s a huge honor, I’m glad to finally be recognized for what I truly am; a hero.” said Hannon, still hungover from the post-ceremony festivities.
No word yet on whether or not President Obama will fly in to Rochester to meet with Hannon.
Henrietta, NY- Day 3 of the bloody battle continues. As we walked around the mass grave site filled with former LaserTron and Dave & Buster employees, it’s quite evident that this is a war that will continue for decades. Dave & Busters Regional Manger Jacob Riddley roams the battlefield looking for any his own wounded or to put some LaserTron employees out there misery. Jacob walks over to a LaserTron employee crawling along the ground, covered in blood. Jacob flipped the boy over, “Please, just let me go, I have to finish high school.” The sound of a gun shot silenced the boy.
Jacob leaned down and picked up a LaserTron card from the dead boys pocket.”They think they can corner the market on overpriced adult arcades? This will not stand! We will own this land! We will be the only ones to offer cool cup holders with our name on it! This is our land! We are Dave! We are Busters!” The crowd of Dave & Busters employees cheered and threw their D&B power-cards in the air.
Jacob took out his battle-axe and chopped off the head of the LaserTron employee. “I want their heads on spikes in every corner of this plaza!”
We spoke to Daisy Cooper, a former LaserTron employee turned Dave & Busters employee about how she felt being on the other side. “You know I never really thought I would ever find myself on this side of the war, but LaserTron really fucked me over, I just wanted to have a Saturday night off for karaoke night, but they told me I should have wrote it in the time off book earlier in the week, so I quit and killed my manager.”
“Were sure this war is going to rage for a while, we just don’t understand how people dont think were cooler than them, we have a virtual reality game, I mean come on.” Jacob said.
We took a poll to see how the people of Rochester felt about this war. 70% said they could literally give less of a shit, 20% said war what is it good for? and 10% said “Shit, there goes my weekend plans.”
Rochester, NY – It’s a Thursday night and while to most people this could be just another day to go about their daily lives and enjoy a simple day filled with simple decisions, today wont be that day for Joseph Reeves. Joseph is an ordinary guy like the rest of us, but tonight he’ll have to make a very crucial decision, does he want to hang outside of Lux or Bugjar tonight. We spoke to Joseph to see how his decision is coming along. “It’s not as easy as people think, each bar offers a completely different kind of experience, if I hang outside of Bugjar I know at least one or two guys who will bum me a smoke, but if I were to be outside of Lux tonight I could easily snag someones drink off a table who left it behind, either way I still need time to think about this.” Joseph said.
Joseph stepped away for a moment to see if his bus was coming or not. “Sorry, these damn things never run of time. Bugjar is a great place, sometimes I pretend I’m one of the guys from Joywave and the bouncer usually lets me in for free, Rochester really is a great place for being able to slip through the cracks without anyone noticing.” Joseph said. His cellphone started ringing, Joseph turned it off. “God damn agents, they wont stop bothering me, it’s crazy how you start to blow up a little bit and people wont stop trying to ask yah for money, I’m with Joywave, did I mention that? You don’t happen to have a smoke do yah?”
Joseph scrambled through his jacket pockets and took out an E-Cig, “These things are much better for you than real cigarettes and you don’t have to worry about your roommate getting suspicious about missing smokes, I think I may go to Lux tonight, I like to generally chug three to four Gennys before I head out anywhere and It’s easier to find Lux with their big blurry neon sign, It’s crazy how they were able to make a sign blurry.”
Joseph stepped back and threw up all over his jacket. “Being a musician is really stressful, fuck both of these places man, I’m hanging outside of Skylark tonight, the bouncer their loves my artwork.”