Tag Archives: mardi gras

Sex-Positive Feminist Wonders If She’s Flashing for Feminism or Filling Void Dad Left Behind

ROCHESTER, NY – “Show Us Your Tits! Show Us Your Tits!” Chants can be heard throughout the city this Mardi Gras as women strenuously lift layers of sweatshirts and turtle-necks to expose their breasts in exchange for plastic beads. Some are mothers, some sisters, some heavy-set men passing a tired joke as an original. Whoever they are, we can all agree they are FUN! In the middle of it all stands recent Feminist Lit Studies grad, Ashley VanderHausen, 24.

We asked her what she thought about all of this. “I mean, is it feminist if I flash my tits? Is it sexist if I don’t?” Ashley wondered, donning a “Nasty Woman” t-shirt over her Bills Mafia sweatshirt over her UnderArmour turtleneck.

“As a sex-positive feminist I reserve the right to show my body in whatever way I want. But, like, if all these guys are yelling at me and telling me to do something I wouldn’t usually do, I mean do I want that for Me? Or do I want it for them?”

She lit an American Spirit and distractedly sucked in smoke.

“Like I was about to do it, I was, but then I was like ‘What would Gloria Steinham think of me?’ And then, like, this really old guy who kind of looked like my dad – er, well, that picture of my dad – started chanting too, so I just went inside and did a ton of blow.”

Alcoholic dads claim getting drunk on a Tuesday is appropriating their culture

As people prepare to celebrate Mardi Gras on Tuesday, alcoholic fathers nationwide have spoken out against what they claim is cultural appropriation of their time honored tradition of getting blackout drunk on a Tuesday.

“My people have been carrying on the sacred tradition of getting shithammered on weekdays for centuries, you can’t take this from us.” Said 55 year old father of 3 Barry Goldstone as he spilled what was left of his Natty Daddy, most of which was certainly backwash on his “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere” novelty t-shirt.

A rally was held by alcoholic dads in the heart of New Orleans at 5pm Tuesday to protest Mardi Gras, sadly only 3 fathers attended as the rest of the group fell asleep on the couch watching a MASH rerun and slept through the event.