Pittsford, NY — Early reports from the Concentrix office on Monroe Ave show that at least one co-worker ate between 2,000-3,000 calories of home fries and mac salad before 11 A.M. on a Tuesday. Staff said that they’ve been smelling hot dogs coming off of account executive Sam Wetzel, along with visible sweat beading across his forehead.

“It really is an uncomfortable situation,” reported receptionist Julie Bower. “Most of us are still working on our first cup of coffee, the sun has barely even risen completely over the horizon, and he’s burping meat sauce into the office.”

“To be honest with you, it makes us question his decision-making skills and professionalism in the workplace,” explained Branch Manager Alicia Begandy. “We have a standard of cleanliness and self-respect that we hold ourselves to that Sam is clearly not following.”

According to multiple sources, the custodial staff is already certifying overtime hours to deal with the impending fallout.

Greece, NY — In a startling turn of events, there were zero loud booms reported on any of the seven Greece centered Facebook groups this morning. According to page moderators of “Neighbors of Greece”, “Greece Uncut”, and “Greece Uncovered” there has been an eerie lull in posts about a random “boom” happening in an arbitrary part of town.

According to Mary Cassella, the moderator for Greece’s buy nothing page, every morning there is a report of a loud boom echoing through the town by at least 11 A.M. but absolutely nothing today. “Usually there are posts asking if there was a meteor strike, gunshots, small homegrown terrorist attack in the area… but it has been crickets today.”

Concerned neighbors did mention that there was a severe lack of missing cat posts, Ring camera images of random area black teenagers, and the use of the term “riffraff” across all Monroe County town pages this week.

Rochester, NY — During a press conference earlier this week, Waste Management’s CEO confessed that “he doesn’t really get why you guys want to throw all of this really nice garbage out to begin with.” This came after weeks of spotty and inconsistent rubbish removal services by Waste Management in Monroe County came under fire.

“Like this shit is good, like really good,” he explained to a room full of reporters when questioned why there has been such a sudden drop-off of service in the Rochester area. “I’m seeing people throwing out paper plates, tampons, empty peanut butter jars… like use your imagination once in your life and reuse some of this stuff… it doesn’t need to be thrown out!”

When asked for a comment, the CEO of RG&E said, “I’m glad to have the people of Rochester off my neck for even one minute right now.”

ROCHESTER, NY – Health officials are rushing to respond to the growing outbreak of the diarrhea-causing parasite Cyclospora, and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is turning to Rochester, NY, for a possible cure. The CDC just announced that it has begun collecting blood samples from a Rochester man who has reportedly consumed Genesee Cream Ale without ever experiencing what locals commonly refer to as “the Genny Screamers.”

Federal researchers said they initially believed the subject had misunderstood the question before multiple witnesses confirmed he routinely drinks several Cream Ales and “just goes home afterward like nothing happened.”

Scientists described the man’s digestive tract as “medically unremarkable in every way except the impossible part,” explaining that stool samples from Cyclospora parasites placed near the subject’s blood appeared to “lose confidence” before dying entirely. Researchers now believe decades of repeated exposure to Garbage Plates, Genesee Cream Ale, and extra hot wings with bleu cheese may have conditioned the man’s immune system to treat the parasite as “Tuesday.”

Officials have since placed the Rochester resident under around-the-clock observation, asking him to continue his normal diet. At press time, researchers confirmed the study had suffered a brief setback after the subject accidentally ordered a Genny Light, causing every measurable benefit in his bloodstream to disappear almost immediately.

Win a $50 Golden Ticket to Pure Wellness’ 1-Year Anniversary!

The Innerloop Blog has partnered with Pure Wellness to give away 2 Golden Tickets, each worth $50 toward a purchase during Pure Wellness’ 1-Year Anniversary Celebration!

Join Pure Wellness as they celebrate one incredible year with an afternoon of:

• Industry brand representatives
• Local vendors and community partners
• Exclusive anniversary specials
• Giveaways and surprises

Event Details

📅 Saturday, July 25

🕑 2:00 PM – 6:00 PM

📍 Pure Wellness – 360 West Ridge Road

Enter to Win

Fill out the form for your chance to win one of two $50 Golden Tickets. Winners will be contacted before the event using the information provided.

Giveaway Terms

• Must be 21 years of age or older to enter.
• Winners will receive one (1) 50 Golden Ticket redeemable toward a purchase during the July 25 Anniversary Celebration.
• Winners must present a valid government-issued photo ID to claim their prize.
• No purchase is necessary to enter or win.

Disclaimer: For persons 21 years of age or older. Keep away from children and pets. If cannabis is accidentally consumed, contact the Poison Center.

ROCHESTER, NY — The long-troubled spirits of the Terrence Building issued a rare collective statement this week, thanking Governor Kathy Hochul for finally confronting what they called “the most ignored housing crisis in America,” following news that $20 million in state funds will be used to demolish the vacant psychiatric tower in hopes of building 400–500 affordable housing units.

“For decades we’ve been stuck in a 16-story limbo with peeling paint, busted elevators, and absolutely no tenants who are actually worth scaring,” said one resident apparition with no face. “We didn’t spend our afterlives learning dramatic corridor-walking techniques just to scare a couple of YouTubers named Jake screaming into a GoPro for ad revenue.”

Several ghouls said the demolition plan finally offers hope for “mixed-use haunting opportunities,” including the long-awaited return of families, children, and at least one nervous grandparent who notices things moving slightly in the hallway but refuses to say anything about it for three months. Others noted that while they will miss the building’s “industrial decay aesthetic,” they are excited for “better acoustics for soft footsteps and unexplained laughter at 3 a.m.”

ROCHESTER, NY — Local man Eric Nolan announced this morning on Facebook that he is officially “done with the Buffalo Sabres,” shocking his 17 followers who are all fully aware he started watching hockey approximately one month ago. Sources close to the newly devastated fan say Nolan became emotionally invested when the playoffs started and quickly made supporting the team his entire personality after multiple strangers said “Go Sabres” to him at Wegmans.

“This franchise doesn’t care about winning,” Nolan told The Innerloop Blog during an exclusive interview. He later referred to a fourth-line winger whose name he could not remember as “soft” before adding, “It’s the same thing every year with this team,” despite having no idea what happened during any of those years.

“A month ago, he thought the blue lines were part of the logo,” said one coworker. “Now he’s ripping down photos he made on the company printer and talking about rebuilding culture like he’s been emotionally trapped in Buffalo sports hell since birth.” At press time, Nolan was reportedly expected to fully recover emotionally and forget hockey exists when the Buffalo Bills training camp starts.

ROCHESTER, NY — A wax hand made at the Lilac Festival has led to arrests in multiple cold cases after investigators discovered the suspect enthusiastically preserved their own fingerprints in bright wax sometime around 2011. Authorities say the breakthrough came after a detective recognized the hand while attending a graduation party in Gates. The handmade souvenir has reportedly matched evidence connected to multiple unsolved murders throughout Monroe County.

The discovery also revealed that the Rochester Police Department has quietly maintained a massive fingerprint database compiled entirely from wax hands made at the Lilac Festival. According to sources close to The Innerloop Blog, the department began archiving the molds years ago after realizing thousands of Rochester residents were voluntarily paying $15 to create highly detailed forensic evidence of their own hands.

Officials described the system as “basically AncestryDNA for people who smell like kettle corn and weed.” Detectives say the database has already helped solve assaults, burglaries, and several Wegmans asset protection investigations.

Irondequoit, NY — The West Irondequoit Central School District has decided to switch back to having a “racist mascot” after years of being known as “The West Irondequoit Eagles”.  The Eagles’ moniker was adopted in 2002 when the “Indians” mascot was retired for being too insensitive.

“We live in a different time, tastes change, and that woke bullshit doesn’t fly anymore,” explained school board member Julia Bryant. “If you can’t see that putting the eagle’s head on a big, fat sloppy Italian dude and tossing a rice hat on top is funny, you’re a straight-up pussy.”

 “Honestly, this is nothing like when we were The Indians back in the day…  we truly believed we were honoring that Native American Culture,” said Assistant Superintendent Brandon Geiger during a press conference.  “With our new Fat Ass Italian Rice Hat Eagle, it’s the exact opposite; we’re trying to fuck with all the woke libtards out there.”

In a press release, the Monroe County Italian-American League said they found the mascot to be “perfectly fine” and that it is “an honor that West Irondequoit is paying tribute to their beautiful culture”.