Amerks Announce They’ll Continue Having No Fans in the Stands for the 65th Season in a Row

Rochester, NY – “We’ve been ahead of the no fans in the stands movement before it was cool,” says Rochester Americans Chief Attendance Director Linden Nixon.

The American Hockey League just announced they’ll be returning to the ice starting in February and the Rochester Americans will be facing off once again in the Blue Cross Arena. But as per their tradition, they will be playing without fans present for the 65th year in a row.

“I think the government ordinance making other teams play without anyone cheering them on gives us a leg up,” says Danny Canadianname. “These other hosers aren’t used to being able to hear their own thoughts but we haven’t heard as much as a ‘woo’ in years. Eventually, the silence will get to these other teams and they’ll have a full-on identity crisis. That’s when we’ll get ’em.”

Astacio Staffer Fired for Pitching “DWI Love This City” as Campaign Slogan

Rochester, NY – Former Rochester City Court Judge Leticia Astacio just announced she’s making another run for a seat on the Rochester City Council. But her campaign is off to a rough start after an insider source told The InnerLoop Blog that one of her campaign staff has been let go.

The staffer reportedly pitched the using the slogan “D.W.I. Love This City” for a potential billboard slogan and the campaign did not believe it communicated the right message.

Other pitches that got shot down included and “City Corruption Drives Me Insane” and “Let’s All Move To Thailand.”

‘Finally, a Little Normalcy,’ Says Man Huddled Inside Snow Globe Outside Restaurant

Rochester, NY – ‘Every where I go, I keep asking everyone when’s this pandemic going to be over?’ Mark Johnson of Fairport told the Inner Loop Blog.

‘All I want is for things to go back to the way they were. Well, inside this tiny greenhouse on the lawn of a restaurant I’m back in 2019. It’s really carefree, if I’m being honest I feel like when I’m in here anything is possible. Does my job know where I am? No. Have I gone home to see my wife and kids? No. And I feel like you bringing them up is really bringing down the energy in here. Please, exit the igloo.

Study: Western New York One Bills’ Loss Away From Complete Collapse

Rochester, NY – With Buffalo winning their first playoff game in 25 years, the area has seen a boost in people spending money on food, drinks and tables to light on fire and jump through.

‘The numbers truly are staggering.’ University of Rochester economist Gary Becker told the Inner Loop Blog. ‘The region is dependent on the fate of this football team, quite literally, the Bills pay the bills.’

Boomer Bills Fan Able to Achieve an Erection for First Time in 25 Years

Rochester, NY – Local 65-year-old Bills fan John Henson has reported that after the Bills won their game this past Saturday against the Colts that he has finally been able to achieve and maintain a full erection for the first time in decades.

“I couldn’t believe it, as soon as that Hail Mary went up and I could tell that it wasn’t going to hit a colts receiver I felt something move. I almost didn’t believe it was real, but once I figured out it wasn’t just an optical illusion from my zubaz pants, I started crying,” said Henson from his hospital bed; he had admitted himself late Saturday evening after reporting an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.

Doctors are studying whether or not a Bills Super Bowl win could cure erectile dysfunction for the entire Western New York area.

Bills Fan Upset He’ll Have To Throw Beer Down Twenty Rows To Douse Colts Fan

Buffalo, NY – For the first time this century, the Buffalo Bills will be hosting a playoff game. Only 6,700 tickets were available, and those sold within 24 hours. One of the lucky fans who will be in attendance is Brett Dellinger of Batavia.

“I can’t wait! I wanted to go with my neighbor who grew up in Indy and is a Colts fan, but he decided to get his own set of tickets away from me,” said Dellinger, who has been a Bills fan since he was in diapers. 

“He actually got better seats than me. He’s twenty rows down from where I’m at, which sucks, because it will be really hard to dump beer on him when the Bills score,” Dellinger went on to say. “Luckily I have a really strong arm. I mean, not Josh Allen strong, but strong enough to throw a beer down twenty rows and give that mother f*cker a nice little shower. I’m tired of him leaving his dog’s sh*t in my yard anyway. Let’s go, Buff-a-lo!”

Arcadia High School Students Overthrow Lunchroom, Declare Lunch Ladies Hiring Unconstitutional

Violence broke out at Greece Arcadia High School as students of the school stormed the lunch room to demand that the recent hiring of a lunch lady be overturned.

The school security tried to disperse the crowd using weaponized non lethal tiny chocolate milk cartons.

“Our demands will be met! We will not sit idly by and eat the same spicy chicken sandwich every day! The time has come for turkey and gravy, as well as more of that sesame chicken that doesn’t really taste like sesame chicken! Our time is now!” Said a 16 year old who refused to be named.

The student was seen waving a flag made of the wrappers of lukewarm hamburgers.

“Wait they what? Do they think I’m the one who is in charge of deciding the lunch menu?” Said the lunch lady from her protective bunker.

The superintendent of the school has yet to speak publicly on the subject but tweeted his support for the protests by saying.

“There are very fine people on both sides of the lunch line”

Wayne County Man Switches to Blue Light to ‘Trim Down’ for Civil War

Palmyra, NY – Nick Walter has been a lifelong Labatt Blue drinker like many Upstate New Yorkers, but after seeing the news of the riot at the nation’s Capitol, he’s decided to switch to Blue Light to get ready.

“Honestly, I have been flying this Confederate Flag just to piss off the neighbors but it’s looking like I am going to actually have to defend it. Didn’t expect this day to come but I am ready to die as long as I can own a few libs on the way out.”

Mr. Walter did confirm that other than switching to the light beer that he will be making no other lifestyle changes.

Josh Allen Named SeaWorld’s Employee of the Month After His Abuse of the Dolphins

Buffalo, NY – Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen may not win this year’s NFL MVP award but he just earned himself an accolade that no other football player has received before.

After a stressful night of dealing with animal abuse protesters, Sea World Manager Tiffany Streusel mixed up her employee records with some NFL stats she had printed out for her fantasy football team and named Josh Allen their employee of the month for January.

“I would have fixed the error but then I watched the game. Even our most experienced trainers could not destroy a Dolphin’s will to live like Josh did. When he retires from football, he’ll have a job waiting for him here if our company still exists.”

Rochester Man Spits in the Face of God, Declares It’s “Going to Be a Mild Winter”

Rochester, NY – Adam Reginald from Webster has no meteorology degree but that hasn’t stopped him from declaring that the the winter of 2021 is set to be a mild one to everyone he makes small talk with.

“Someone told me that they heard it’s not going to be a snow filled year,” says Reginald. “I didn’t ask who exactly told them that, and I haven’t even done my own research, but since we didn’t have a white Christmas it makes sense to me!”

God has been taking notice of Rochesterians like Reginald who have been making declarations like this about the weather and told our Inner Loop writing staff via an intense weed-infused Boss Sauce trip that “these are famous last words.” Read into what you will but our visions also included images of Wegmans being closed due to blizzard conditions and a cloud that looked like middle-finger hovering over Kodak tower.

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