Pittsford, NY – ‘ECK, they smell weird,’ an Oak Hill Country Club representative told the Inner Loop Blog. “Did you see them eating hot dogs? Such a disgrace to the sanctity of this historic club.”
The representative described how elated he was to return to normal. “Oh yes, it will be so nice to return to the exclusive whites er…I mean members-only status.”
Rochester, NY – “I swear it’s Rory,” Keith Johnson of Pittsford told The Innerloop Blog while scrolling through his phone’s camera roll.
“It’s either him or Justin or Jordan or Scottie or Keegan or Rickie. I know it’s one of them since they were all wearing white hats, had polos on, and looked almost exactly the same in the face. Wait.. you know what, I don’t think it’s Rory…his nipples are not as pronounced through his polo so I’m not at all sure who it is.”
ROCHESTER, NY – The annual Lilac Festival has been replaced by a new and audacious festival called “Smash and Grab a Kia and Grab Whatever Cash/Jewelry to Pawn…Festival.”
The festival, organized by a group of teenage car thieves with a zest for burglary and light arson, will feature live music, food vendors, and but mostly just breaking and entering cars with faulty alarm systems that make it easy to steal belongings.
“We’re really excited to bring this new festival to the ROC,” said festival organizer Melvin “The Petit Larceny King” Badulla. “We think it’s going to be a lot of fun for everyone involved, and no cops are invited. That’s very important.”
The festival will take place starting this weekend and anywhere you see a Kia left alone in a parking lot with a big rock or pipe around you. Admission is free, but participants are encouraged to bring their own tools.
“We’re expecting a big turnout,” said Badulla. “So come on down and have some fun!”
Rochester, NY – Thousands of Rochesterians gestured towards the sky this week as the famous Goodyear Blimp floated over the PGA tournament at Oak Hill Country Club and said something to the effect of “Daaaamn you didn’t tell me your mom was going to be at the PGA this week!”
Although many in the area argue that these jokes are hack, it’s almost impossible to compare the blimp to yo’ mama’s fat ass or wonder how they going to get yo’ mama down from so high up.
The Inner Loop Blog is not responsible for any damages, physical or otherwise suffered from the telling of these jokes. Use them responsibly and at your own risk.
Penfield, NY – After sharing avocado toast and mimosas, one upper class Penfield family religiously packed their new Jeep Wagoneer and began their 800 mile journey to paradise.
Their vehicle was packed with all of the essentials for survival such as Nutella, Pirate’s Booty and various overpriced probiotic drinks.
The yearly pilgrimage had special importance for the family this year. They were celebrating Jebidia completing his senior year of high school and beginning his adult journey for a communications degree at an overpriced university his family completely paid for. Unfortunately, room temperature crab legs from a roadside restaurant had different plans for the family.
“Jebidia, I can go no further,” his father said holding his gut in agony, “you must lead the family to the all inclusive oceanfront vacation salvation.”
“But Pa, who will pay for Mary-Beth’s Coolsculpting and Botox injections?” Jebidia sobbed grasping his father’s clammy hand.
“Ask your mother.” Jebidia’s father said before running into the roadside restroom.
Rochester, NY – In a shocking move the AHL has removed the Rochester Americans from the Calder Cup Playoffs after a new study revealed only 42% of their roster was born in the United States.
“Most of them are actually Canadian and there’s a lot of Swedes as well,” said the AHL Commissioner Bennett Mercer. “Their whole season is a fraud.”
The Americans just won their first game in the North Division Finals against the Toronto Marlies but it’s looking as though their opponent will coast into the next round if the league’s decision to eject the Rochester team from the playoffs stands.
“We’re fighting the decision,” said an Amerks representative. “Are many of our players from different countries? Yes. Do we force them to take citizenship tests to wear the Americans crest? No. Would it make more sense if we had a team name that was an inanimate object instead of a Nationality? 100%.”
ROCHESTER, NY – The Rochester Police Accountability Board (PAB) has announced that it will be joining the Writers Guild of America (WGA) strike. The PAB, which is responsible for overseeing the police department and investigating allegations of misconduct, said that it was joining the strike because it had “nothing better to do.”
“We figured since we don’t really have any authority to actually hold our law enforcement accountable for any of the multiple civil rights violations they commit on a daily basis, may as well get involved with something that actually might accomplish what they set out to do,” said PAB Chair Herbert Beerboy, who was talking into a fan pretending to be Darth Vader for the duration of our interview.
While the WGA appreciates the support, they’re slightly confused why the PAB isn’t focused on their own goals. “I mean it sounds like a noble endeavor but from what I can tell they pretty much just demand recognition and their leaders keep getting suspended for sex crimes which seem counterproductive to what they’re trying to accomplish in my opinion,” said WGA member Lisa Denny
Rochester, NY – Bill Gray’s has been telling everyone in Western NY that they are the home of the “World’s Greatest Cheeseburger” for years but that all changed today.
In a stunning upset victory, our hometown burger chain defeated the Martian burger giant ⋔☊⎅⋏⏚ ☌⟒☍⟟. Their restaurant had previously held the title for almost 50 Earth years thanks in part to their special brand of burger patty. Martian meat comes from the beef-like substance that surrounds their planet’s core.
“While the Earth’s mantle is a layer of silicate rock, the core of Mars is actually surrounded by something delicious,” says astrophysicist Fennic Thorgum. We previously thought it was inedible like the majority of Bill Gray’s menu but the Galactic Burger competition proved us wrong.”
For years Earth was not invited to the universe’s premiere burger-judging event despite being the only planet hospitable to cows. According to a statement by the competition, this was because our planet “covers the cooked carcass of a dead animal with the coagulated juices out of the same creature’s teets.” The act was deemed too barbaric for the competition until this year when a judge vacationed in Rochester and ate at Bill Grays.
The new “Universe’s Greatest Cheeseburger” will replace the “World’s Greatest” title that Bill Gray’s won back in 1940 at a globe-wide cooking competition when no other restaurant showed up.
ROCHESTER, NY – Local adult entertainer Nikki T. Hoe has gone viral for posting what can be described as “Garbage Plate Sex Tapes” to her OnlyFans. The videos are vastly different, with some featuring Nikki covering her body in meat sauce and Mac salad, and another using her partners’ genitalia in place of hots.
Nikki is a veteran in her industry, having previously worked at both the Klassy Kat and an unnamed restaurant that served “plates.”
When we reached out to Nikki for comment, she stated she is the first to come up with the Garbage Plate Sex Tape, but expects “cheap copycats” to follow.
Rochester, NY – Zoo employees were seen running about the park in a state of panic this weekend as it was discovered that the new octopus, Mr. Squiglies, had apparently escaped his enclosure. Animal handlers were transporting the octopus between habitats when they noticed he was not in the transport tank. A trail was followed leading out of the facility but was unable to be tracked thereafter.
A frantic search of the zoo commenced as octopi are only able to survive out of water for about thirty minutes. Made even more difficult by the fact that they can change color and texture. They can also squeeze their whole body through any opening the size of their beak.
As employees and handlers searched throughout the zoo, security personnel also combed through security footage to find any sign of Mr. Squiglies. The search seemed fruitless until security footage found something unusual. A man walking out of the park with a large cap holding in dreadlocks. “Normally we wouldn’t have thought twice about this..” stated zoo security. “…except it was a large white guy with a Back the Blue shirt.”
Seneca Park Zoo employees were able to stop the park attendee at the gate and recover Mr. Squiglies just in time to get him back into his enclosure without any damage from being out of water for too long. When asked about how he had not noticed the octopus clinging to his head, the park attendee just stated “I’m a big guy, I sweat a lot. Actually felt kinda nice.”