Mayor Lovely Warren’s approval rating has plummeted to an all-time low of 99%, the Mayor herself reported earlier this week in a report issued on unofficial letterhead.
“While I maintain my innocence on all counts,” the report reads, “I do acknowledge that some residents disapprove of my actions, for some reason. By my own office’s estimate, as many as 1% of Rochesterians no longer support my administration.”
This report comes as a response to several controversies miring the Mayor, among them unregistered weapons found in her home, potential campaign finance violations, and an alleged conspiracy to topple the government of the country of San Marino and dissolve its republic in a political coup.
Sources close to Mayor Warren have told the Inner Loop that she does plan to run again in the future, and hopes to boost her share of that future vote to a record-breaking 115%.
Rochester, N.Y. – Last month, 26 people were arrested in connection with one of the biggest drug busts this year in Rochester. Six kilos of cocaine and Fentanyl were taken off the streets after a search was conducted by the Rochester Police Department that spanned 28 locations. “This is a really, really, really, really, really big deal,” said David Smith, who recently began his new position as RPD Chief.
Many of you might be wondering what happens to the drugs seized by the RPD. Typically they are taken for personal use by officers, but this time Smith wants to try something different. “We’re going to sell them at auction and use the money to buy a new tank,” said Smith. “I mean, we’ll probably keep like a kilo for ourselves, but the rest will be going toward a good cause – a tank. A really bad ass tank we can use to blow stuff up.”
Orchard Park, NY – Following the ousting of Raider’s coach Jon Gruden, the NFL decided to take a deep dive into the emails of all of their head coaches and what they’re investigation found out about Buffalo Bills coach Sean McDermott is truly shocking.
Emails from a decade ago, when McDermott was the defensive coordinator for the Carolina Panthers, reveal he never missed a player or coaching staff’s birthday, sending them E-Cards, and digital gift card
Further investigation into McDermott’s GPS revealed the coach would stay after games to help the Bank Of America staff clean the stadium and drive home any fans who had too much to drink. His browser history also revealed he’s never Rick Rolled anyone or visited 4chan.
Washington DC – Millions of dollars in U.S. military weapons and vehicles were left in Afghanistan when the military pulled out of the country and America wants it back.
“I have decided to send in a force stronger than even SEAL Team Six,” said President Biden in a press conference this morning. “I have partnered with Wegmans Food Markets to send in their asset protection team to retrieve the weapons that got left behind.”
Not much is known yet about the plan to send in this elite security force but some military strategists say “based on how quickly these folks can take care of a shoplifter, we are expecting to have all of our assets back within the month.”
Wegmans could not be reached for a statement but the Innerloop’s Helping Hands insiders have told us the partnership with the US government will mean their Asset Protection team will get military training. “If you thought the AP SUVs in the parking lot were intimidating, wait until they come back with drone piloting experience. We’re predicting security bots hovering in the Pittsford Weggies by this time next year.”
Fairport, NY – It has been almost two months since the State Route 250 lift bridge over the Erie Canal in the Village of Fairport reopened for traffic and residents are changing their tune on the extended construction.
Innerloop insiders from Fairport have told us locals miss having a built-in excuse for being late for work and social obligations. In fact, there are several Fairportians that are hoping the bridge might need repairs sooner than later.
“Before when I walked in late I could just go ‘that damn lift bridge’ and things would be okay,” said Derek Smirkman. “Now I just look like a real douchebag.”
With back to school underway, law enforcement is on high alert watching the bridge for stepdads attempting to damage the bridge in order to get out of their kid’s concerts and sporting events.
Rochester, NY – Incumbent Mayor Lovely Warren has been defeated by city councilman Malik Evans for the right to run as a Democrat in November’s election but there is a new candidate that’s getting a lot of attention.
In a last-ditch effort to swing votes their way, Monroe County Republicans have listed the guns found in Mayor Warren’s home this year as their candidate.
“We’re confident the guns can win this thing,” said Republican spokesperson Ronald Farnell. “Our only worry is that they were illegal and our voters might think that means they’re Mexican.”
Rochester, NY – Saturday night, the Rochester Red Wings hosted their now annual ‘Grim & Depressing’ night in honor of NY Post writer Maureen Callahan’s 2019 story about Wegmans. Callahan was the guest of honor and even threw out the first pitch. The Inner Loop Blog was able to catch up with Maureen for a few comments on her Rochester experience.
‘When I wrote the article, I apparently opened a portal to hell and now I am cursed for eternity. Am I destined to return here year after year? This punishment is unjust and wicked. I’m sorry I said what I did about your city. I regret it a million times over. I believe all of you. All the emails. All the comments. You hear me?!? Your city is beautiful! It’s the opposite of Grim and depressing! Now please, for the love of God, let me move on with my life! So um… Pittsford Wegmans was nice.’
Rochester, NY – This past week Mayor Warren put her Rochester home of nearly 16 years on to the market. “She’s just looking for a fresh start,” a representative for the Mayor told the Inner Loop Blog. “These walls have a lot of memories in them and also presumably guns.”
The realtor for the home anticipates a quick sell. “You just don’t see houses with this amount of storage space. It’s like you could put important or dare I say potentially dangerous items away and completely forget about them. In this hot market, it’s such an added bonus”
Rochester, NY – The InnerLoop Blog has been contacted by multiple piercing studios that they have already seen a huge drop in the amount of men looking to get their nipples pierced following the resignation of Governor Andrew Cuomo.
“We know it’s not the thing that people are worried about the most with the situation in Albany but this is a huge part of our business” said Stacy Reed from body modification business Tender Prix. “This is our busy season here in Rochester.”
According to Reed, this is the time of year where men are most likely to be walking around shirtless in Western NY and also the time they’re more likely to want to “bling out their nips” to give onlookers something else to check out while they’re driving past and thinking “that guy should probably put his shirt back on.”
While it is not confirmed that Cuomo has nipple piercings, it has long been thought that he does. Based on recent events, this most likely means he not only has two nipple piercings but a plethora of piercings that he and his inner circle are hiding from the world. And yes, we assume his inner circle is pierced as well.
Rochester, NY – During their victory lap on social media, local conservatives took a moment to come together and agree to New York’s first female governor an entire day before they start attacking her character online.
Lt. Gov. Kathy Hochul is now in charge after Andrew Cuomo resigned and local republicans have decided to give her an entire 24-hour period before they start lamenting over every policy decision and call her either a communist, Marxist, or connect her to any pedophile/cannibals secret societies.
“It’s going to be one of the hardest things we’ve ever had to do,” said Kent Stollsmith, the moderator of the ‘Rochester Republicans Against Cuomo And Every Democrat That Still Breathes’ Facebook group. “It’s going to be tough but so is casting your ballot for a Republican in New York so we’re used to the pain.”