RPD Officers Punished With Devastating Pay Raise and Deep Tissue Massage

Rochester, NY – This week a shocking new video showed a Rochester Police Officer pepper spraying a mother in front of her toddler. The officer is said to be the same man who in January proper sprayed a 9 year old girl.

Many have complained that the Police in Rochester haven’t been punished for their actions regarding these cases and the Daniel Prude case, but it seems as though enough is enough and the hammer of justice has finally come down upon them as all officers involved in these incidents have been issued a devastating $10k a year pay raise as well as a coupon for one free deep tissue massage to be given to them personally by the Police Chief.

“Let this be a lesson to everyone that we in Rochester won’t stand for this” said the Chief, as he appeared to be slowly jerking off one of the officers under the table.

The Police Accountability Board has investigated the officers in question and has found them “guilty of having big penises and being sexy geniuses who are good not bad”

Mayor Lovely Warren issued her own punishment as she viciously handed the officers the key to the city in an opulent ceremony.

We called the officer from this weeks incident to see if he had any comments for our article and he swiftly attempted to pepper spray us through the phone.

Cuomo Promises To Only Sexually Harass Family Members From Now On

Albany, NY – It has been a rough few weeks for New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. After he was caught lying about the number of New York residents in nursing homes who had died from COVID-19, a slew of sexual harassment allegations came to light. Many New Yorkers think the Governor should resign. Cuomo, however, seems ready to turn over a new leaf.

“Look, I know I did wrong, but I’m going to make major changes,” the Governor told an Inner Loop reporter. “From now on, I will only sexually harass family. Like my sister, Margaret, who is an intelligent, sweet woman, and also has a really sweet tushy. Then there’s my brother, Chris, who I really enjoy doing interviews with, and has a set of abs on him that won’t quit.”

Bob Lonsberry Declares War on Hasbro, Cancel Culture. Releases Line of ‘Masculine Rutabaga-Men’ Toys

Rochester, NY – Conservative radio host Bob Lonsberry is so fed up with cancel culture that he’s releasing a new line of children’s toys to try and stop another generation of sliding further to the left.
Following Hasbro’s announcement that they were “cancelling” Mr Potato Head’s prefix, Lonberry quickly found a local partner to make a new line of hyper-binary toys built to show kids that there are only two choices. “Either your vegetables have a pee-pee or they have a bergihna. That’s just basic agriculture,” said Lonsberry in a statement.
The toys will be available for only a short time at Kimberly and Beck’s new business venture, the White Nationalist Museum Of Play.

RPD Hires Occupational Therapist to Help Officers Recover From Repeated Slaps on the Wrist

Rochester, NY – Following the news that no officers will be charged following an investigation into the death of Daniel Prude, the Rochester Police Department has announced they’ve hired a new member to help them deal with the fallout.

“We’ve noticed a surge in cases of our officers getting slaps on the wrist from the people in charge of our oversight,” says an RPD Spokesperson. “All of that lack of accountability really weighs on these brave men and women so we’ve decided to use some of our budget to bring on an occupational therapist full-time.”

The health care professional’s main task will be making sure the officers’ wrists do not sustain any long-term damage from getting let off by grand jury investigations.

The police spokesperson confirmed this is a very important role stating “wrists are very important to our staff as they’re often what we use to put our body weight into someone’s neck while restraining them.”

Kid Who Licks Handrails While in Line Excited Seabreeze Is Reopening This Summer

Rochester, NY – It was announced this week that amusement parks will be able to open as early as April this summer in New York and Seabreeze is planning to allow 33% capacity to start off with.

“Good,” says little Tommy McCallister. The third grader says he loves the park but he is especially excited to finally get back to licking the handrails in the lines for rides as people behind him look on in horror.

“As far as taste goes, the Jack Rabbit handrails are a delicious vintage of rust but my favorite has to be the bumper cars. They’re located close enough to the fried dough that everything tastes sweet.”

Construction On “Rush Limbaugh International Airport” To Begin In East Rochester Next Week

East Rochester, NY – Earlier this week, conservative political commentator Rush Limbaugh passed away after a battle with lung cancer. This prompted mixed reactions from Americans, many of whom were grateful for his death. Limbaugh was seen by many as a bigoted troll, but in East Rochester, he was a hero – a hero apparently worthy of his own airport.

“If Frederick Douglass gets his own airport, Rush should too,” East Rochester resident Sam Rosier told an Inner Loop reporter. “He spoke to people like me – people who aren’t racist or homophobic, but also aren’t crazy about gays or minorities.”

The Inner Loop was able to catch up with East Rochester Mayor Jim Anderson, who confirmed that construction on an airport bearing Limbaugh’s name will commence next week. “People visiting the area deserve the option to land at an airport not named after a black guy,” Anderson told an Inner Loop reporter.

Cinema Theater Floor To Be Sold Off As Military Grade Adhesive

Rochester, NY – It was announced today that Rochester’s oldest movie complex the “Cinema Theater” will be closing indefinitely due to the COVID restrictions. While there is no certainty on what will happen to the business in the future, the Innerloop Blog as gotten word that the owners will be liquidating some of their assets.

Their biggest money maker will reportedly be a government contract they’ve signed in regards to the floor of their theater.

“This cinema has been open since 1914 and it’s seen its fair share of spills,” said Army Contractor Pete Whither. “We’re planning on scrapping up some of that vintage goop and sticky-what-not to use on our supplies.” According to tests, the adhessiveness levels to the floor actually exceed most military grade products.

NASA has also been in contact to buy some of the gum stuck underneath the theater’s seats to use on their rockets.

Study: Rochester Ranks Among World’s Tightest Buttholes Due to Clenching Over Potholes

Rochester, NY – Senior Anus Elasticity Scientist Linus Magnusson has spent the better part of the last decade traveling the globe and paying strangers on Craigslist to let him test their BHS (booty hole strength), and according to his most recent report, Rochesterians have some of the world’s tightest buttholes.

“Due to all of the involuntary clenching these Western New Yorkers do when they run over a pothole with their car, their anus has gained tremendous strength.,” says Dr. Magnusson. “Metaphorically speaking, if the rest of the world is at ‘toy finger trap’ level tightens, Rochester buttholes are at

Winter Storm Decides to Move South After Hearing Bunch of Bad Stuff About Cuomo

Rochester, NY – Yesterday, Western New York was bracing itself for the storm of the century. Mother Nature was expected to drop 18 inches of snow across the region. This morning, however, Rochesterians were underwhelmed to find four inches of cold white powder, leaving them wondering what happened to the “monster” storm local meteorologists had been calling for.

The Inner Loop was able to catch up with the storm, which has settled in North Carolina. We asked the storm why it had decided to move South, to which it replied “I just wasn’t happy with a lot of the stuff I was hearing about Governor Cuomo. Between fudging those numbers at nursing homes, and crippling small businesses, I just figured I’d be happier elsewhere.”

At press time, the storm is commenting about how much New York State sucks under a D&C article.

Local Shelter Looking To Re-Home Abandoned Pet That Looks A Lot Like Tom Park

Rochester, NY – A local Rochester shelter has put out several social media posts looking for a “forever home” for a “senior pet” that has looks a lot like Tom Park from the Fuccillo Dealership ads.

According to their description of the critter he’s house trained and deals well with people yelling at him. However, they do warn that “Huge” is a very triggering word for him and warn he may have an accident if you say it too close to his face.

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