Canandaigua Reduces Speed Limit on Main Street to “However Hard You Can Push”

Canandaigua, NY – In an effort to make the crosswalks safer for pedestrians and increase the amount of speeding tickets they can hand out, the City Of Canandaigua has announced they have once again reduced the speed limit on main street.

“Originally we were going to make it so you would just have to coast off of the thruway and put your car in neutral but this seemed more reasonable,” said city planner Bart Scarn.

The plan now is to have drivers get out of their car and push and whatever speed they are able to achieve through the stop lights is what they will be limited to. The average Canandaiguan should now expect to add three hours to their drive time while commuting.

New Study Finds 100% Of the Guys Tailgating You in Raised Pickup Truck Are From Greece

Rochester, NY – Researchers announced findings from a new study that found 100% of the assholes tailgating you in a raised pickup truck are from Greece.

“Our study indicates that Greece was the epicenter of the douchebaggery,” one scientist told the Blog. “The outcome of our research is surprising to no one.”

The report also concluded that “bros” tailgating you like a dick were likely to have trucks with blacked out rims and a thin blue line flag in their back window.

Cuomo Demands All Firearms Wear a Mask to Curb the Spread of Gun Violence

Albany, NY – Last Tuesday, Andrew announced a plan to help curb the epidemic of gun violence plaguing New York State.

“A pistol with a mask on can save a life,” Cuomo said during Tuesday’s press conference, “that is why I am requiring all guns to be masked before firing.”

Gun owners will be required to stand six feet apart before shooting.

“One mask may have trouble stopping a bullet but two masks might work better.” Cuomo told reporters.

Greece Man Upset He Was Suspended From Marriage for Smoking Pot and Selling It

Rochester,NY- Local man from Greece has just contacted the ILB to let us know of his current suspension from his wife and kids following his controversial decision to start smoking pot and selling it. These are his words.

” I just don’t get it, since when did these rules exist? Sure, my wife has told me from time to time to “quit that bullshit and get a real job”, but how is this not a real job? I mean its practically legal everywhere now! Sure, it’s made in my shitty basement and doesn’t have any of the proper nutrients, but I’m making a living! Now that I don’t have any distractions, I think this is the perfect time to start me new career as a twitch streamer!

Food Truck Rodeo to Coincide With Plumbing Convention

Rochester, NY – This years Food Truck Rodeo is set to be a real belt burster. Fortunately, plumbers are hosting their annual convention at the same time.

“I was planning on absolutely destroying my toilet after eating my seventh fish taco.” one rodeo attendee told the Blog. “These plumbers will surely have their work cut out for them.”

“We are happy to help clean up after glutinous poor decisions,” a plumber told the blog, “it’s our job and we are damn proud to do it!”

Many have been inspired to stuff their face with as many food truck goodies as possible.

“This Macarollin truck has no idea what it is in for!” Another rodeo attendee said, “I am going to crap my brains out with no regrets!”

Rochester Gang Members Agree To Sync Up Gun Shots With Fireworks To Keep Noise Pollution Down

Rochester, NY – “We don’t just care about our dawgs we care about all dogs” says local gang member T-Bone.

According to Mr. Bone, this was the major reason that all local gangs and Rochester have agreed to sync up their gunshots to the fireworks displays held the 4th of July.

“I’ve got pups at home too and they don’t deserve to be more scared than they have to be,” says another local gang member who told us he wanted to “keep his name a secret” and to “give me your wallet and phone.”

Rochester emergency rooms are preparing for this evening and have divided one team dedicated to gun shot wounds and another for “DUFIs” aka drunk uncle firework injuries.

“This Heat Wave Is Awful” Says Man Who Lives in City With Worst Crime Rate

Rochester,NY- Rochester has been getting beaten down by the rising heat waves this past week. Is it global warming? Is it the ice caps melting? We don’t know and we don’t want to know if we’re being honest. One local man has voiced his opinion on the situation. This is what he had to say.

” You know, I just don’t know if I can take this heat anymore. My poor AC unit is being put to the test and I’m not sure what we could do if it fails! Getting to your local store is so much more difficult nowadays with all murders and what not, but I mean cmon! A guys gotta stay cool!”

Daniel Armbruster’s Mustache Quits Joywave After Feeling “Censored” For It’s Beliefs

Rochester, NY – Hometown heroes Joywave have released a new EP but the celebration has been short lived because a staple of their band has announced they are quitting the band.

Inspired by Mumford & Sons banjoist leaving the band to chase his dreams of posting long, boring social media posts about “cancel culture” or something equally as important, Daniel Armbruster’s mustache has decided to leave the band.

The Innerloop Blog has caught up with the mustache, and according the tuft of hair, it has supported the vocalist for many years but can no longer sit idly on his lip while he shares lyrics it disagrees with.

“I have tried many times to get more songs about how men refusing to wear the toothbrush mustache is unfair discrimination but all they want to do is make songs about feelings or some crap.”

The mustache is hoping to form a supergroup with Mumford’s banjoman, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock to finally make “tunes that mean something.”

Rochesterians Excited to Tell Federal Agents How Good the Garbage Plate Is

Rochester,NY- With news breaking this morning of federal agents being called into Rochester due to the high crime rate, Rochesterians are naturally curious about what this means for their city. The federal agents will be doing their best to help the RPD subdue this wave of gang related violence. Rochesterians have also expressed their interest in letting the federal agents know how GOOD THE GARBAGE PLATE IS. We know they’re here to help with crime, but cmon. The meat sauce? The Mac salad and home fries? Crime can wait for a garbage plate.

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