Experts Worried About Western NY Confidence Crash, Petition Bills to Lose as Reminder “Life Sucks”

Buffalo, NY – Local mental health experts report that Western NY confidence has not been this high since right before the stock market crashed in 1929. Their shared worry is that if the Buffalo Bills continue to be undefeated for much longer, that when they do lose, the inflated sense of “things being good” will burst, and local relationships will suffer because of it.

“These Bills fans are putting all their eggs in one basket,” says psychologist Kelsey Gomath. “Through testing, I have found the majority of my client’s wellbeing now is completely dependent on Josh Allen. While they derive no happiness from family or work, they are learning they can count on that young man’s rocket arm to bring them joy on Sundays. It’s simply not sustainable.”

Gomath and her colleagues are petitioning to the Buffalo Bills organization to throw the next game to bring confidence levels down to Earth.

Local Man Hits Milestone: 30 Years of Not Knowing How To Merge Off Can Of Worms

Rochester, NY – Tom Lorco of Webster just unknowingly hit an important anniversary for any Rochesterian. After 30 years of doing the same commute, he’s still not figured out how to merge at the intersection of Interstate 490 and 590. Known locally as the Can Of Worms.

Lorco takes 490 east home and when it’s time to get onto 590 north near Blossom, his mind reportedly goes blank. He then proceeds to slow down to a screeching halt, not use his turn signal, block traffic, and sit there timidly until some other person who does not know how to drive lets him into the lane.

Experts predict Lorco’s driving has caused at least 10 fender benders in his lifetime and also at least 50 divorces by the stress he causes other drivers.

Mayor Lovely Warren Preemptively States That She Just Found Out About Mass Shooting

Rochester, NY – Mayor Lovely Warren has been adamant that she knew nothing about the death of Daniel Prude other than what the RPD led her to believe and now she’s using the same defense for the most recent tragedy hitting the city. 

Our insiders at city hall have sent us what appears to be an early draft of a statement about the mass shooting over the weekend saying:

I want to state that I knew nothing about the mass shooting but I promise to find someone else to blame about this. Maybe my secretary, maybe governor Cuomo, please just re-elect me, this is all I have.

Victor Resident Marks Himself Safe From Shooting 20 Miles Away

Victor, NY – Tony Manna 47, of Victor woke up Saturday to the horrific news of a mass shooting in the city on Pennsylvania Ave. ‘I knew I had to let all my Facebook friends know I was okay,’ Tony told the InnerLoop Blog. ‘I mean, that’s right down the street and on to 490 for about 15 miles or so from me. I mean a mass shooting in my neighborhood? Oh God, I guess we’ll just have to move again.

Mayor Warren Honored By RTS For Amount Of People She’s Thrown Under The Bus

Rochester, NY –  Based on Mayor Warren’s work this week firing Rochester Police Chief La’Ron Singletary, suspending her communications director and the city’s attorney, and using several interviews to blame everyone for not telling her the real story about Daniel Prude’s death, RTS has announced they will be awarding her a major honor.

Once a year the public transportation service honors an employee with their coveted Golden Bus Pass, but based on her amazing ability to deflect, they have decided for the first time to give it to a non-driver, and send it to the Mayor’s Office. According to a press release, the trophy was awarded to her for “contributions to public transportation by throwing everyone under the bus.”

With everything that’s going on for the Mayor, it’s at least nice that she doesn’t have to deal with a Grand Jury investigating her 2017 campaign money. Oh wait. She does. Our bad. Rough year huh?

Bills Stadium to Start Playing Feint Sounds of Fans Vomiting to Maintain Home Game Realism

Orchard Park, NY – The Buffalo Bills got their first victory of the year on Sunday by beating the Jets, but the players all agree there was something missing from the stadium without fans in the stands.

“I miss the crowd singing the shout song and I especially miss the dudes throwing up in the second quarter because they couldn’t pace themself during the tailgate,” said one anonymous Bills player.

To help maintain the realism of what it’s like to play in front of Bills fans, the organization is asking people to send in clips of themselves vomiting so that they can mix that audio with the league approved fake crowd noise. The instructions specify to “please make it a chicken wing induced hurl, and yes, we will be able to tell the difference by how it sounds.”

East Ave Bars Criticized for Trying to Charge Protesters $15 Cover Charge

Rochester,NY- The eyes of the nation are currently on Rochester. Following the death of Daniel Prude at the hands of the RPD. Rocheserians have been protesting all labor day weekend demanding justice. Another controversy has popped up this past weekend, local east avenue bar owners are upset with the amount of people using their streets without adhering to the mandatory $15 cover charge.We spoke with the owner of one bar to get his perspective.

” I understand that these protests are for a good cause, but I’m trying to run a business over here. No ones coming into our bars, not that I really approve of how the protesters dress, but I think I have the right to demand money for a street I dont own to people I could care less about”

Antifa Storm Into The Riot Room, Leave It Spotless

Rochester, NY – Civil unrest has once again hit the streets of Rochester following the murder of Daniel Prude and protesters have once again started marching for change. While the demonstrators have been overwhelmingly peaceful, there have been a few bad actors.

In one of the most heinous acts of aggression, a video forwarded to our blog shows a group of hooligans claiming to be Antifa barging into The Riot Room on East Ave, and cleaning the entire bar.

“This is a place meant for smashing and rioting, yet these protesters came in and gave us a complete makeover,” said bar manager Stacy Greenfield. “It’s the worst thing that could happen to us. We’re ruined.”

“Thanks for Canceling Plastic Bags” Says Lake Ontario Fish After Eating Fifth Facemask Today

Durand Beach – The local fish population has reached out to The Innerloop Blog to let us know that they’re super excited that the amount of Wegmans bags they’ve eaten this year has dropped significantly.

They also let us know that they’re super pumped about the new facemask treats Rochesterians are leaving flying around on beaches. One fish told us “the light dash of COVID tastes like truffle oil to us under the sea.”

Our writer tried to explain to the fish that those are not edible, but unfortunately, the acid he was on wore off.

Trump Locks up Webster Vote, Pardons Parents Who’ve Been Kicked Out of Their Kid’s Game

Washington D.C. – President Trump is doubling down on his efforts to capture the votes of Rochester women by adding onto his pardon of Susan B Anthony.

Insider sources say that during his RNC speech, he will be pardoning any parent that has ever been kicked out of their child’s game for yelling at a volunteer referee, another parent, their child, or another kid playing the sport.

According to the “Webster Mom’s Facebook Group”, he now officially has their endorsement.  The Brighton Mom’s Facebook Group is waiting to see if he’ll pardon “people who have sent direct threats to managers at their home address.”

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