Rochester, NY – Since the coronavirus has shut down Rochester’s economy, and families are going hungry, City Officials have pushed through a stimulus package aimed at keeping the city fed.

Part of the bill that just passed is the construction of a giant Garbage Plate that is estimated to be able to feed all of Rochester until 2021. Using Frontier Field, massive amounts of macaroni salad and home fries will be dropped into the world’s largest styrofoam container before being topped by burgers made from 270,000 cows.

“It’s food and jobs program. The plate will feed people and the building of this thing will put the hard-hit restaurant and construction people back to work!” said one official.

The massive garbage plate will be topped with onions and hot sauce, and anyone who likes to put ketchup on their plates is asked to starve to death instead.

IRONDEQUOIT, NY – Preparing for the potentially extended quarantine is hitting local residents harder than a garbage plate hits your colon on a Sunday morning.

Local dad and self-proclaimed brewmaster (he has a home brewing kit he has yet to open but did one-time mix Labatt Blue and Sprite and claim he invented White Claws) Darbert Landerball has already been forced to crack open his prized Flutie Flakes purchased last millennium.

“The way I see it is I’m hungry and nobody on the eBay has ever made an offer higher than $2.50 for this damn treasure. Still tastes like the shitty Frosted Flakes knockoff it always has been. After I’m done with these I guess I’ll eat the TO’s and freezer burnt Let’s Dough Buffalo Sabres ice cream I’ve had for like 8 years.”

Rochester, NY – Patrons celebrating St. Patrick’s Day on East and Alexander were treated to an unexpected surprise after two girls showed up offering free samples of coronavirus.

“I am usually pretty picky when it comes to trying new viral infections,” one patron said, “but it’s free and these girls really know how to cough in your face.”

Local college student, Ashley Johnson, started spring break early after her college abruptly closed due to fears over the growing coronavirus pandemic.

“I tried out COVID-19 while I was in Italy for my study abroad program,” Ashley told the Blog, “I really enjoyed it and thought why not make a few extra bucks spreading it to others?”

ROCHESTER, NY – The St. Patrick’s Day Parade was postponed for public safety with respect to the rapidly developing public health crisis. However, Chadthony D’Umbro would not let something like a public health warning stop him from celebrating a non-existent parade. He put on his green hoodie, his “Kiss My Shamrock” belt buckle, and went out to everyone’s favorite Irish bar on East and Alexander. “No ‘social distancing’ was gonna stop me and my bros from doin’ it up this weekend”, said Martinsboro. “We’re gonna be fine! I’m not gonna do anything stupid!”, he said as he drank from the same pitcher of green beer that four of his friends just drank from.

Today, D’Umbro and his friends are in bed with what they are calling “St. Patrick’s Cough”. He claims that it is just a little scratch in his throat. “Everybody I know at the bar has it. It’s not a big deal! Just like a hangover, but with a fever!”

When asked if it is possible that he and his friends contracted the coronavirus (COVID-19), D’Umbro vehemently denied the possibility. “We were safe as hell! I haven’t had Chinese food in a month. I haven’t even kissed my Korean girlfriend, just in case”, D’Umbro announced. “I don’t even play my Playstation, because I don’t wanna catch a computer virus! I know how to protect myself. Besides, I wouldn’t eat any of the weird stuff like bats or eels like THEY do, so there’s no way it’s Coronavirus!” After saying that, D’Umbro scarfed down his third Scotch Egg, a deep fried hard boiled egg wrapped in pig entrails and bread. He is certain, he and his friends’ St. Patrick’s Cough will end soon

We attempted to contact one of his other friends about their symptoms, but most of them had died from the St. Patrick’s Cough already. D’Umbro is sadly still alive.

Pittsford, NY – The CDC one of the best things you can do right now to prevent the spread of coronavirus is to wash your hands frequently which sounds easy enough but due to all the hoarders in Rochester, the soap supplies are running low.

Unfortunately, this has meant that many Pittsford moms like Barbara Tudim have had to take the plastic wrap off their decorative soaps and actually use them to wash their hands for the required 20 seconds.

“I have been telling all of my houseguests that they need to use the liquid soap and not the amazing $200 soap that I picked up at on that trip my husband and I took to Cape Cod. The woman that makes it uses her own breastmilk in it,” says Barbara.  “But now I am going to have to actually use it.”

Medical advisors say that decorative soap usually doesn’t have the same type of disinfecting qualities that other soaps have but they honestly don’t think Pittsford with be hit with COVID-19 since it “probably can’t afford to go there.”

Rochester, NY – With paranoia growing of the ever-looming coronavirus spreading across the globe. Many countries and cities are taking extreme measures to protect themselves from this new and deadly virus.

Luckily for the residents of East Rochester, scientists have just discovered that they are actually immune to this deadly virus just due to years of poor overall hygiene and cleanliness.

Rochester, NY – Growing fear over the spread of coronavirus has caused panicked shoppers to begin stockpiling toilet paper. The surge in demand has led to widespread shortages across the area and forced Wegmans to begin selling reusable toilet paper.

“Our reusable toilet paper is ethically sourced and made from only the highest quality canvas material,” a Wegmans spokesperson told the blog. “The fabrics high thread count minimizes chafing and maximizes cleanup efficiency.”

Environmentalists have applauded Wegmans for their commitment to recycling and sustainability.

“Each roll contains 80% post-consumer recycled fecal matter, all of which is generated by customers returning their reusable toilet paper to the store.” The Wegmans spokesperson said.

Wegmans hopes that their reusable toilet paper will catch on with shoppers so that they can eliminate single use toilet paper entirely. 

“The company is aware that not all customers will find the transition to reusable toilet paper easy,” the spokesperson said, “so we will provide Helping Hands services to any shopper who needs help wiping in store or at home.”