Rochester, NY – “Boner pills” has been dethroned in Western NY. According to a recent Innerloop Blog poll of primary care physicians more men are now asking if it’s possible to donate their elbow.
“Every appointment and email I’ve had this week from patients has been to see if they are an elbow match with Josh Allen,” says Dr. Roberto Garcia. “It’s a nice change of pace from having to explain the side effects of Viagra.”
Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen injured his elbow during their loss to the NY Jets and is currently listed as “Day-To-Day.” It appears fans have no hope in the teams backup QB because Bills Mafia have been more than happy to live the rest of their life with one arm if it meant “QB1 can keep chucking darts to Diggsy.”
Our Bills insider confirms the team is not looking for fans to donate bones or ligaments just yet.
“If anything we would have to go to the zoo and harvest something from a wolf strictly based off how much dog Josh has inside him” said an unnamed source who reiterated that he has no medical background.
Spicy material and spicier sauce! 16 comics will battle it out in a bracket-style tournament with a twist… At the begining of each round they’ll have to eat some of the hottest sauces that Rochester has to offer courtesy of Flower City Flavor Company, Pepper Nutz, and RJ’s Gourmet Sauces.
Come out for a fun night of verbal violence and great beer at Three Heads Brewing. No presale tickets so get there early to get a spot because this show will SELL OUT quick!
Orchard Park, NY – This week the Buffalo Bills released a few renderings of their new stadium but The Innerloop Blog was given the first look at one of the most critical areas to fans. The men’s restroom.
According to some of the insiders working on the project, the urinals have been built with “nostalgia” in mind.
They will feature two trough urinals stacked on top of each other. “One for kids and short fellas, another for tall guys and dudes that have drank enough that their stream can reach the extended height.”
When asked about upgrades to the restrooms the builders told us that they made sure to spend “the least amount of time conceptualizing the bathroom” but did factor in that men will “undoubtedly be peeing into the sink no matter what we do.”
To combat the smell and germs of that inevitability they plan to install a Wegmans Produce Style Spraying System that will go off every fifteen minutes to wash away “old piss and make way for new piss.”
The plans interestingly also do not include soap dispensers as years of bathroom use at the old stadium proved no one is actually washing their hands, making soap an easy budget cut.
Rochester, NY – After a series of scandals rocked Rochester’s newly established Police Accountability Board (PAB), the Mayor decided something had to be done.
“I’m here today to announce the creation of an accountability board to police Rochester’s Police Accountability Board.” The mayor said at an impromptu press conference. “Never could I have imagined that giving a group of random people, power to act independently, without proper oversight, would lead to such corruption and scandal.”
The actions come after an investigation into the PAB found that tax payer money was being spent on lavish Zoom meetings and GrubHug deliveries.
“This is only the beginning of a broader initiative to create accountability boards for every facet of our inefficient and corrupt government structure.” The mayor said, “Soon, accountability boards for accountability boards will be established to hold accountability boards accountable for their inability to hold anyone accountable…” the Mayor rambled on repeating “accountability” over and over again until he was eventually dragged off stage.
Rochester, NY – Local man Dennis Decampo has been going to the Rochester public market every Saturday morning for the past 10 years and loves the fantastic produce, but above all else, Dennis loves to haggle.
“I dare you to try and tell the cashier at Wegmans you aren’t paying full price for bananas,” Decampo told the blog.
At his most recent public market run, Dennis managed to have his “best haggling day ever.”
He was able to talk his favorite tomato guy into shaving a nickel off of his price, he saved a dime on some bruised plums with another vendor, and after complaining about how phallic a bushel of carrots looked, the person working the table took 20¢ off their price so Decampo would stop making a scene.
“Listen I know 35¢ doesn’t seem like a lot to some people but it adds up,” says Decampo. “Sure, I have annoyed enough people working at the public market that I have been banned from several of the tables but that’s the cost of saving!”
Brighton, NY – Brianna Redd (25), a lifelong Rochestarian, left friends and family in stunned silence at a party Friday evening when she loudly said “Oh, you were hurt in a car!? You should call William Mattar at 888-8888!”
Not catching her mortifying faux pas, Redd looked around in confusion at the stunned faces as realization slowly crept its way in, “Oh no,” she whispered, “what have I done?” Greg, Redd’s boyfriend of five years, said as he pulled away from her, “If you’re hurt in a car, you call William Mattar at 444-4444. How could you not know that?” An embarrassed Redd tried to explain she just misspoke but her mother cut in saying, “I thought I had the TV raise you better than that!” before crying into her husband’s chest.
Redd was notified this morning that her family is currently taking steps to disown her and that they’re not worried about the motion passing through courts since “Brianna clearly doesn’t know the number to dial for a good lawyer.”
At press time, Redd was seen sitting in front of a television memorizing and writing down all local jingles so she wouldn’t have to go through such a humiliating experience ever again.
Irondequoit, NY – The Irondequoit Oktoberfest was canceled in 2020 due to the pandemic and has not made its return to Camp Eastman since.
According to an Innerloop survey, the top three things that Irondequoitians miss the most about the giant tent party are:
(3) Strudel (2) The smells of the nearby wastewater treatment facility (1) The sweaty polka band that knows two songs
We reached out to the Oktoberfest bands to see what they’ve been up to in the now two-year hiatus and they shared some very exciting news with us.
First, their cardiologists are quite pleased with what the break from schnitzel and dark beer has done for their heart health. Second, they’ve been using this time off to practice their craft and are nearly done learning a third song.
“We just want fans to know we’re still going to play the ziggy zoggy oi oi oi song 50 times in one night if Oktoberfest ever comes back,” said the band’s tuba player.
Rochester, NY – Buffalo Bills fans woke up to some good news on Wednesday, as the team announced that they reached an agreement with star wide receiver Stefon Diggs. Sources have confirmed that the two sides agreed to a four-year, $104 million contract extension with $70 million guaranteed.
However, the Bills decided to retry something that worked before: asking New Yorkers to pick up part of the tab. The Bills reached an agreement with the State of New York to have $30 million of that money be publicly funded.
“This is a great day for the Bills and billionaires,” stated New York Governor Kathy Hocul. “It’s about time we gave back.”
Rochester, NY – Local Rochester Mobster charged with the killings of three people, Dominic Taddeo, escaped from prison for a period of time before eventually being captured trying desperately to order his first post-prison garbage plate.
“It was like a fly to honey, we knew where we’d find him” said the police chief, who had officers staked out at Hot’s joints across the city as soon as word got out about the escape.
The RPD is looking at filing additional charges against Taddeo for attempting to get a plate that was “all fries” with no onions on top.
Brockport, NY – After Vladamir Putin’s unprovoked invasion of Ukraine displaced millions and created an unprecedented refugee crisis in Europe, SUNY Brockport’s administration thought it was the perfect time for students to learn about Putin’s contributions to human rights across the globe.
“Putin has a long history of supporting human rights,” one administrator told the Blog, “from enslaving dissidents for a lifetime in the Gulag, to murdering defenseless civilians in the Ukraine.”
The talk took place virtually inside a large auditorium to avoid the hundreds of protestors outside. After the students were seated, Putin called in and he was displayed over a large projector screen.
He began the address by chugging half a bottle of premium Russian vodka and taking off his shirt. He then demanded all students begin singing the Russian national anthem. Soon after his broadcast was abruptly cut short.