Rochester, NY  – As the region enters Phase 4 of re-opening, local movie theater, The Little has released a statement outlining its updated policies. The Inner Loop Blog was able to get an early edition of the statement. 

We at The Little are very excited to welcome back movie and popcorn lovers alike but first, we must talk safety. Due to the size of our theater, we have been advised to follow different Covid Precautions. 

• Moviegoers must wear a mask but it can be a little one. Like one a baby would wear. Like a thong for your face. Don’t think G-string. 
• Patrons are encouraged to wash their hands but can wash just one hand if inclined. Choose the hand that you do all the freak nasty stuff with. 
• Stay home if you are feeling sick. Please, if you are coughing, have a fever or otherwise just have a general look of illness stay home. Let’s try to keep the horror to the movies. 
• We’ll be doing our part by cleaning every other seat and keeping the floors sticky so you get that genuine small theater feel. 

We look forward to seeing you and if you sneeze at any point during a screening you will be banned for life. 

Rochester, NY – Last Saturday, history was made on the Rochester bar scene. Lindsay Reese spent all day drinking on East and Alexander, and by closing time had not lost anything.

“It was amazing, from what I remember,” said Lindsay’s friend, Chloe Tanner. “I lost my phone in the early afternoon at Locals Only, then Heather lost her wallet at some point, and Rachel was missing a shoe when we woke up the next morning, but Lindsay had everything. No one could believe it, including Lindsay.”

“I usually lose at least an earring when I drink all day,” said Lindsay. “I don’t know what got into me Saturday, I was completely wasted, but I guess I brought my A-Game.”

We asked Lindsay “What’s next?” She replied with a smile, “Same old stuff. Going to get sloshed with my besties on E and A again this weekend, and hopefully not lose anything.”

At press time, Lindsay is drunk at her nephew’s eighth birthday party. Her mother is trying to convince her to start going to AA meetings, but Lindsay just keeps saying “Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

Rochester, NY – If you lived in Rochester from 1990-2014, you probably remember the “Ten Ugly Men” Festival, which was abruptly cancelled in 2015. This left many Rochesterians disappointed, but the good news is that the festival will return with a hot new twist.

Most readers likely recall the hit video from 2007, “Two Girls, One Cup.” The film took the world by storm, and shaped who we are today as a society. Next year, you can see a live reenactment of Marco Antônio Fiorito’s masterpiece, except with ten dudes.

“It should be a lot of fun,” said Jerry Deller, one of the ugly men. “It will be just like the original festival, but with way more vomit and poop. We really want to reach out to millennials, and help them relive the experience that ruined their teen years.”

At press time, the Ten Ugly Men are rehearsing at Geva Theatre. You can catch them, and their disgusting shenanigans on July 30th and 31st of next year at Genesee Valley Park. 

Rochester, NY – “With everything going on nowadays, it’s really refreshing to have a common enemy,” Bob Andersen of the South Wedge told the Inner Loop Blog. That enemy he is referring to is of course the person or persons who are setting off the nightly firework display to the pleasure of no one.

“Yeah so, I’ve put together a group to find these a-holes. Everyone is welcome. Every race, religion, nationality, it’s really quite nice…getting to know my neighbors ya know? We’ve got a potluck this week and an ice cream social on Sunday. Ahmed from two houses down brought over some really tasty homemade hummus on Monday…and Lucy from the corner house, well let me say Lucy and I are going on our second date this weekend. The whole community is represented and united against this common threat. I guess what I’m saying is these dumb-dumbs lighting up the sky and interrupting my sleep have been really been a blessing. Also when we find who is doing it, we will kill them.

Irondequoit, NY – Since March, life as Rochesterians once knew it changed due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Cancellations have been rampant and will continue into the summer. Many Irondequoit residents are upset about their Fourth of July parade being canceled. Earlier today, however, Irondequoit Town Supervisor, Dave Seeley, made an announcement that may help ease their frustration.

“In lieu of the Fourth of July parade, a line of cars will be driving down Titus Avenue, with occupants throwing garbage out of the windows,” Seeley told the local press. “I realize the parade has been a long-standing tradition, but the “Trash Caravan,” as we are calling it, will be a worthy replacement, and also culturally significant to Irondequoit.”

You can catch the Trash Caravan on Saturday, July fourth from 10:00 AM until noon, and probably most other days, on Titus Avenue in Irondequoit.

Albion, NY – “Well dang, if it wasn’t just the worst week ever,” Garret Jacobs of Albion told The Inner Loop Blog. “First, they go bannin’ my favorite flag and then my favorite Nascar racer says he’s calling it quits. What’s next, they gon go and take all da guns outta looney tunes?

Garret was especially distraught because he and his girlfriend were expecting and he had surprised her by painting the nursery ‘rebel flag’ colors. “All I want is for my child to be raised right. Ya know? I want that little sponge of a mind soakin’ in all that imagery so she can grow up to hate other people for no reason too.

When asked if he intended to keep the baby’s room painted that way Garret responded, “Does a bear shit in the woods and then take all the other woodland creature’s jobs so that we got to build a big ol’ wall to keep em’ out?’ We think that means, yes.

Rochester, NY – Much like many of our residents, Magic Hat Brewing has announced they’ve given up on their big-city dreams and that they’re moving into Rochester.

It’s big news for local employer North American Breweries who will be taking them in, but sad news for the Dungeons and Dragons players of RIT who, for one brief moment, thought magic was real.

In a statement they released on their guild chatroom, RIT’s D&D Club warned all of their members to not believe the “fake news” about an “enchanted hat” coming to our city. “It’s just the name of some dumb beer company. It is not a quest item that will give you +10 intellect or any special abilities. In real life, drinking that beer may give you a +10 ability to crap your pants.”

Rochester, NY – The long-dead body of abolitionist Frederick Douglass was dug up for his grave, beaten, and charged with trespassing for being within the gates of Mt Hope cemetery after hours.

The Rochester Police Chief defended the actions claiming that Douglass was resisting arrest by having died over 100 years ago and being 6 feet underground.

Douglass was struck multiple times before being arrested and charged. Police claim that the arrest was not due to skin color as Douglass did not have any skin at the time of the arrest.

Rochester, NY – With the reopening process underway around the Finger Lakes region, it is still unclear when, or if, the Rochester Red Wings will play a 2020 season. Many fans are upset, but the uncertainty has been particularly hard on Dave Martin.

“I really miss going to games with my son,” Martin said, right before shotgunning a Genny. “I don’t get to see him a lot since his mom and I got divorced, and those games have always been special for us.”

Martin’s son, Corey, sees things a little differently. “My dad just gets wasted and harasses the other teams’ pitchers in the bullpen. We end up getting kicked out most of the time, and last year he got a DWI on the way home.”

Dave is remaining optimistic, despite grim predictions from experts. “I hope and pray that a month from now, Corey will be shaking me awake for the seventh inning stretch. I love baseball, I love my son, and I love cold beer.”

ROCHESTER, NY – 86 year old Barry Mariotti is tired of the mainstream media and George Soros working against him to put him in a nursing home against his will.

“It’s that god damn Antifa, which definitely stands for anti family because they have infiltrated my family to force me into a home even though I am very competent and just won’t accept the Jewbama administration trying to poison my oatmeal with gay milk!”

“Black Lives Matter movement is a bunch of malarkey, if they would just stop resisting arrest they wouldn’t be killed.” Mariotti continued as he resisted his heart medications because the nurse is a “Hilary Clinton Benghazi operative”