ROCHESTER, NY — The long-troubled spirits of the Terrence Building issued a rare collective statement this week, thanking Governor Kathy Hochul for finally confronting what they called “the most ignored housing crisis in America,” following news that $20 million in state funds will be used to demolish the vacant psychiatric tower in hopes of building 400–500 affordable housing units.

“For decades we’ve been stuck in a 16-story limbo with peeling paint, busted elevators, and absolutely no tenants who are actually worth scaring,” said one resident apparition with no face. “We didn’t spend our afterlives learning dramatic corridor-walking techniques just to scare a couple of YouTubers named Jake screaming into a GoPro for ad revenue.”

Several ghouls said the demolition plan finally offers hope for “mixed-use haunting opportunities,” including the long-awaited return of families, children, and at least one nervous grandparent who notices things moving slightly in the hallway but refuses to say anything about it for three months. Others noted that while they will miss the building’s “industrial decay aesthetic,” they are excited for “better acoustics for soft footsteps and unexplained laughter at 3 a.m.”

ROCHESTER, NY — Local man Eric Nolan announced this morning on Facebook that he is officially “done with the Buffalo Sabres,” shocking his 17 followers who are all fully aware he started watching hockey approximately one month ago. Sources close to the newly devastated fan say Nolan became emotionally invested when the playoffs started and quickly made supporting the team his entire personality after multiple strangers said “Go Sabres” to him at Wegmans.

“This franchise doesn’t care about winning,” Nolan told The Innerloop Blog during an exclusive interview. He later referred to a fourth-line winger whose name he could not remember as “soft” before adding, “It’s the same thing every year with this team,” despite having no idea what happened during any of those years.

“A month ago, he thought the blue lines were part of the logo,” said one coworker. “Now he’s ripping down photos he made on the company printer and talking about rebuilding culture like he’s been emotionally trapped in Buffalo sports hell since birth.” At press time, Nolan was reportedly expected to fully recover emotionally and forget hockey exists when the Buffalo Bills training camp starts.

ROCHESTER, NY — A wax hand made at the Lilac Festival has led to arrests in multiple cold cases after investigators discovered the suspect enthusiastically preserved their own fingerprints in bright wax sometime around 2011. Authorities say the breakthrough came after a detective recognized the hand while attending a graduation party in Gates. The handmade souvenir has reportedly matched evidence connected to multiple unsolved murders throughout Monroe County.

The discovery also revealed that the Rochester Police Department has quietly maintained a massive fingerprint database compiled entirely from wax hands made at the Lilac Festival. According to sources close to The Innerloop Blog, the department began archiving the molds years ago after realizing thousands of Rochester residents were voluntarily paying $15 to create highly detailed forensic evidence of their own hands.

Officials described the system as “basically AncestryDNA for people who smell like kettle corn and weed.” Detectives say the database has already helped solve assaults, burglaries, and several Wegmans asset protection investigations.

Irondequoit, NY — The West Irondequoit Central School District has decided to switch back to having a “racist mascot” after years of being known as “The West Irondequoit Eagles”.  The Eagles’ moniker was adopted in 2002 when the “Indians” mascot was retired for being too insensitive.

“We live in a different time, tastes change, and that woke bullshit doesn’t fly anymore,” explained school board member Julia Bryant. “If you can’t see that putting the eagle’s head on a big, fat sloppy Italian dude and tossing a rice hat on top is funny, you’re a straight-up pussy.”

 “Honestly, this is nothing like when we were The Indians back in the day…  we truly believed we were honoring that Native American Culture,” said Assistant Superintendent Brandon Geiger during a press conference.  “With our new Fat Ass Italian Rice Hat Eagle, it’s the exact opposite; we’re trying to fuck with all the woke libtards out there.”

In a press release, the Monroe County Italian-American League said they found the mascot to be “perfectly fine” and that it is “an honor that West Irondequoit is paying tribute to their beautiful culture”.

Greece, NY — Arcadia sophomore Chloe Fuller reportedly asked her father, “What a fucking ‘Wease’ was?” While traveling down 390 South over the weekend.  She had witnessed a worn-down bumper sticker on the back of a late 90s Camry featuring the term when she posed the question to her father, Matthew Fuller.

At press time, Matthew claimed that he “almost veered off the road” when he realized his daughter didn’t know who Wease was.  “I mean, she never heard of mother hucker, Booshy, or even the concept of the Vietnam War,” explained Matthew.  “I played 30 seconds of an old Wease clip, and she just kept on saying it sounded like ‘rocks grinding a squirrel to death'”.

According to recent social media posts, Chloe is now claiming that her father won’t stop talking about “Tommy” and “Bubba Dubba Cheeseburgers.”

ROCHESTER, NY — President and CEO of Strong Museum, Steve Dubnik, announced earlier this week that the nasty-ass Power Rangers game from Tiger that you found at Michael Roushie’s sleepover back in 4th grade made it into Strong Museum’s Video Game Hall of Fame. “The people have voted and they wanted to induct a game that was close to their heart and the reason for widespread staph infections in the early 2000s,” explained Dubnik during the induction ceremony.

Video Game Hall of Fame board member Dawn Williams speculated, “there’s a dangerous allure when reaching under your friend’s couch and grabbing a sticky-ass, gross-ass video game that can’t be matched.”  She continued on saying, “there’s a 95% chance it doesn’t even have batteries in it and a 100% chance you’re getting dried piss on your hands but you just want to grab that dirty-ass game.

At press time Steve Dubnik said that they will also be inducting your buddy’s “shitty-ass N64 controller with a rumble pack that he definitely shoved up his ass for pleasure,” in the Hall of Fame this year.

We ended up getting 728 responses for our Worst Of Rochester poll.  That’s too many. That’s more people than have ever voted for Mayor.

Here are the results. We’d love to hear your ideas for categories! If we use them, you’ll get a free pair of tickets to our LIVE SHOW next year.

 

WORST BATHROOM IN ROCHESTER

1. Lilac Festival Porto-Trailer – 335 Votes (46%)
2. LUX – 144 Votes (19.8%)
3. Mark’s Texas Hots – 106 Votes (14.6%)

 

WORST GARBAGE PLATE NAME

1. Hummer Plate – Fairport Hots – 206 Votes (28.3%)
2. Sticky Icky Plate – Sticky Lips – 190 Votes (26.1%)
3. Compost Plate – Red Fern – 146 Votes (10.4%)

WORST PARKING IN ROCHESTER

1. East Ave Wegmans – 264 Votes (40.7%)
2. Park Ave – 131Votes (18%)
3. Village of Fairport – 67 Votes (9.2%)

WORST ROAD IN ROCHESTER

1. West Ridge Road- 144 Votes (19.8%)
2. West Henrietta Road – 130 Votes (17.9%)
3. Lake Ave – 123 Votes (16.9%)

WORST ROCHESTER SUBURB

1. Greece – 560 Votes (76.9%)
2. Gates – 34 Votes (4.7%)
3. Pittsford – 76 Votes (2.9%)

WORST THING IN ROCHESTER

1. I.C.E – 296 Votes (40.7%)
2. RG&E – 257 Votes (35.3%)
3. People Blocking Aisles At Wegmans – 76 Votes(10.4%)

WORST VIRAL MOMENT

1. Maga Gorilla In Penfield – 282 Votes (38.7%)
2. Mountain Lion AI Posts – 198 Votes (27.2%)
3. Ridge Donut Staffing Rant – 97 Votes (13.3%)

ROCHESTER, NY — We paid Subway Takes to film a video inside Rochester’s abandoned tunnels, and we genuinely do not know where the hell he is now. He was sent underground with a GoPro, a handheld microphone, and a list of discussion topics meant for whoever he encountered down there. Since then, all communication has stopped.

RPD officials insist there is no cause for concern, saying this sort of thing “happens all the time” when people attempt to monetize the city’s long-forgotten infrastructure. Police told The Innerloop Blog they regularly receive calls from graffiti artists about influencers wandering the tunnels.

The last audio we received from Subway Takes featured him asking someone, “what’s your take?” before a distant voice replied, “The demons in my head are too loud,” followed by Subway Takes confidently responding, “Hard disagree,” before the recording abruptly cut out.

BUFFALO, NY – A Buffalo Bills fan’s emotional farewell collage to the soon-to-be-replaced stadium has gone viral after his heartfelt tribute also accidentally documented a crime spree.

The nostalgic photo dump celebrates some of the fan’s best memories at The Ralph, also known as Highmark Stadium, also known as Daddy Josh’s Funtime Palace. Unfortunately, it also prominently features open containers, lewd sex acts, illegal drug use, enthusiastic property destruction, and at least one image that can only be described as extreme public urination.

The post has received thousands of likes from sentimental Bills fans, many of whom also spent the weekend sharing their own heartfelt collages that will now serve as convenient starter packs for stadium security investigations.

The fan has refused to delete the photos despite urgent pleas from friends, family, and his personal attorney. “My lawyer is a Dolphins fan, so legally I’m required not to respect anything he says,” the fan told The Innerloop Blog.