Irondequoit, NY — The West Irondequoit Central School District has decided to switch back to having a “racist mascot” after years of being known as “The West Irondequoit Eagles”.  The Eagles’ moniker was adopted in 2002 when the “Indians” mascot was retired for being too insensitive.

“We live in a different time, tastes change, and that woke bullshit doesn’t fly anymore,” explained school board member Julia Bryant. “If you can’t see that putting the eagle’s head on a big, fat sloppy Italian dude and tossing a rice hat on top is funny, you’re a straight-up pussy.”

 “Honestly, this is nothing like when we were The Indians back in the day…  we truly believed we were honoring that Native American Culture,” said Assistant Superintendent Brandon Geiger during a press conference.  “With our new Fat Ass Italian Rice Hat Eagle, it’s the exact opposite; we’re trying to fuck with all the woke libtards out there.”

In a press release, the Monroe County Italian-American League said they found the mascot to be “perfectly fine” and that it is “an honor that West Irondequoit is paying tribute to their beautiful culture”.

Greece, NY — Arcadia sophomore Chloe Fuller reportedly asked her father, “What a fucking ‘Wease’ was?” While traveling down 390 South over the weekend.  She had witnessed a worn-down bumper sticker on the back of a late 90s Camry featuring the term when she posed the question to her father, Matthew Fuller.

At press time, Matthew claimed that he “almost veered off the road” when he realized his daughter didn’t know who Wease was.  “I mean, she never heard of mother hucker, Booshy, or even the concept of the Vietnam War,” explained Matthew.  “I played 30 seconds of an old Wease clip, and she just kept on saying it sounded like ‘rocks grinding a squirrel to death'”.

According to recent social media posts, Chloe is now claiming that her father won’t stop talking about “Tommy” and “Bubba Dubba Cheeseburgers.”

ROCHESTER, NY — President and CEO of Strong Museum, Steve Dubnik, announced earlier this week that the nasty-ass Power Rangers game from Tiger that you found at Michael Roushie’s sleepover back in 4th grade made it into Strong Museum’s Video Game Hall of Fame. “The people have voted and they wanted to induct a game that was close to their heart and the reason for widespread staph infections in the early 2000s,” explained Dubnik during the induction ceremony.

Video Game Hall of Fame board member Dawn Williams speculated, “there’s a dangerous allure when reaching under your friend’s couch and grabbing a sticky-ass, gross-ass video game that can’t be matched.”  She continued on saying, “there’s a 95% chance it doesn’t even have batteries in it and a 100% chance you’re getting dried piss on your hands but you just want to grab that dirty-ass game.

At press time Steve Dubnik said that they will also be inducting your buddy’s “shitty-ass N64 controller with a rumble pack that he definitely shoved up his ass for pleasure,” in the Hall of Fame this year.

We ended up getting 728 responses for our Worst Of Rochester poll.  That’s too many. That’s more people than have ever voted for Mayor.

Here are the results. We’d love to hear your ideas for categories! If we use them, you’ll get a free pair of tickets to our LIVE SHOW next year.

 

WORST BATHROOM IN ROCHESTER

1. Lilac Festival Porto-Trailer – 335 Votes (46%)
2. LUX – 144 Votes (19.8%)
3. Mark’s Texas Hots – 106 Votes (14.6%)

 

WORST GARBAGE PLATE NAME

1. Hummer Plate – Fairport Hots – 206 Votes (28.3%)
2. Sticky Icky Plate – Sticky Lips – 190 Votes (26.1%)
3. Compost Plate – Red Fern – 146 Votes (10.4%)

WORST PARKING IN ROCHESTER

1. East Ave Wegmans – 264 Votes (40.7%)
2. Park Ave – 131Votes (18%)
3. Village of Fairport – 67 Votes (9.2%)

WORST ROAD IN ROCHESTER

1. West Ridge Road- 144 Votes (19.8%)
2. West Henrietta Road – 130 Votes (17.9%)
3. Lake Ave – 123 Votes (16.9%)

WORST ROCHESTER SUBURB

1. Greece – 560 Votes (76.9%)
2. Gates – 34 Votes (4.7%)
3. Pittsford – 76 Votes (2.9%)

WORST THING IN ROCHESTER

1. I.C.E – 296 Votes (40.7%)
2. RG&E – 257 Votes (35.3%)
3. People Blocking Aisles At Wegmans – 76 Votes(10.4%)

WORST VIRAL MOMENT

1. Maga Gorilla In Penfield – 282 Votes (38.7%)
2. Mountain Lion AI Posts – 198 Votes (27.2%)
3. Ridge Donut Staffing Rant – 97 Votes (13.3%)

ROCHESTER, NY — We paid Subway Takes to film a video inside Rochester’s abandoned tunnels, and we genuinely do not know where the hell he is now. He was sent underground with a GoPro, a handheld microphone, and a list of discussion topics meant for whoever he encountered down there. Since then, all communication has stopped.

RPD officials insist there is no cause for concern, saying this sort of thing “happens all the time” when people attempt to monetize the city’s long-forgotten infrastructure. Police told The Innerloop Blog they regularly receive calls from graffiti artists about influencers wandering the tunnels.

The last audio we received from Subway Takes featured him asking someone, “what’s your take?” before a distant voice replied, “The demons in my head are too loud,” followed by Subway Takes confidently responding, “Hard disagree,” before the recording abruptly cut out.

BUFFALO, NY – A Buffalo Bills fan’s emotional farewell collage to the soon-to-be-replaced stadium has gone viral after his heartfelt tribute also accidentally documented a crime spree.

The nostalgic photo dump celebrates some of the fan’s best memories at The Ralph, also known as Highmark Stadium, also known as Daddy Josh’s Funtime Palace. Unfortunately, it also prominently features open containers, lewd sex acts, illegal drug use, enthusiastic property destruction, and at least one image that can only be described as extreme public urination.

The post has received thousands of likes from sentimental Bills fans, many of whom also spent the weekend sharing their own heartfelt collages that will now serve as convenient starter packs for stadium security investigations.

The fan has refused to delete the photos despite urgent pleas from friends, family, and his personal attorney. “My lawyer is a Dolphins fan, so legally I’m required not to respect anything he says,” the fan told The Innerloop Blog.

Rochester, N.Y. — After 43 years, Marketplace Mall in Henrietta is closing its doors. Though the mall’s attendance has dwindled significantly leading up to its closure, its final day of operation was attended by a record-shattering crowd of mall regulars.

Over 25,000 rodents gathered on a snowy December 31st to celebrate, reminisce, and share memories from Marketplace Mall’s extensive history.

“We’re gonna miss this place,” said Marc, a brown rat whose family has lived in the mall for over three decades. “There’s not a store here that I don’t have a memory of. I gave a 7-year-old Lyme disease at Sears in 1997.” When asked for further comment, Marc bit my hand and scurried off. Results from my Lyme disease tests are still being processed.

“It feels like yesterday I was giving birth in the Macy’s dumpster,” said Kathy, a black rat who has lived in the mall for 13 years. “Now I’ve got 67 children with another four on the way. It’s hard to believe they won’t get to see where they come from.”

Many of the rodents in attendance suggested they will be relocating to Victor Mall instead, some moving in with family already established there and some looking to plant new roots for them and their families.

ROCHESTER, NY — Local music fan Tyler McGowan has been commenting “Come to Rochester” under his favorite bands’ posts for as long as he can remember. While fully aware that, at best, Rochester attracts artists on weekday tour stops between bigger cities, McGowan continues to plead for international acts to visit.

“My hope is they see the five to eight likes I get on my comment and think about it,” McGowan told The Innerloop Blog. “Not like seriously, obviously. I know they’d never actually come, and honestly, I’d probably respect them less if they did.”

Friends say they’ve seen McGowan leave heartfelt pleas on posts from Beyoncé, Radiohead, and even Daft Punk, who haven’t toured in over a decade. “He’s mentioned Lilac Festival to artists that have headlined Coachella,” said one friend. “You have to admire his dedication and his complete, beautiful naivety.”

ROCHESTER, NY — A groundbreaking new study from the University of Rochester’s Department of What the Fuck Is Going On has confirmed what millions of Americans have suspected for years: there is absolutely no goddamn reason chicken wings should cost this much. Researchers say their findings were consistent across all test environments, including bars, takeout menus, and Wegmans — which continues to sell a prepared food item labeled as “wings” despite mounting evidence to the contrary.

The report noted that wing prices have somehow remained sky-high even after supply chain issues eased, suggesting a “deeply unholy alliance” between bar owners, poultry suppliers, and whatever demonic force runs DoorDash. The study also found that other cuts of chicken have not seen anywhere near the same price inflation, leading scientists to conclude that “somebody’s fucking lying.”

Economists predict prices will not drop until Americans are required to take Ozempic through RFK’s new “No Fatties” initiative which will be rolled out following the government shutdown.