Rochester, NY – A man who is currently just trying to enjoy his life couldn’t help but notice a couple at the corner of East Ave and Gibbs St is having a very public fight.
“Yeah they’re about an inch from each other’s faces, just screaming at each other”, said the witness, a local RG&E worker on his lunch break. “I would assume it was just another case of two miserable people having it out, but I know there’s this fancy street festival going on where people do all kinds of weird shit for no reason.”
The altercation first came to his attention when he saw the man throw his arms up and start to walk away, which seemed to escalate the situation.
“Then he called her sister a bitch, that did not seem to calm her down, in fact, she returned that by calling him ‘a limp-dicked alcoholic loser who sucks at NBA 2K’. After that for awhile it was difficult to pick out individual words, it was just sort of a lot of yelling.”
While he couldn’t determine whether the situation was rehearsed or improvised, our source said he definitely enjoyed the show.
Rochester, NY – A good corn maze is a staple of Fall but attendance has been way down for some years at local maize-mazes.
“These kids just want to stay inside on their FaceChats and TwitBooks” said local farmer Glen Fieldsmith. “It’s tough to get them out of the house.”
Well, this year one farm is clearly overcorrecting with their marketing towards the younger generation and it has local parents very upset.
“We asked our young farmhands what the most used phrase of their generation is and that’s what we came up with” Mr. Feildsmith told The InnerLoop. “We honestly thought ‘We Eat Ass’ was slang for something else like saying Hella or Fresh. We didn’t know these kids were actually running around eating booty!”
Rochester, NY – As Rochester prepares to enjoy the delights of the Fringe Festival, local improv group Chronic Laff Infection is once again set to challenge the meaning of the word “performance” with their “show.”
“We’re really excited about this opportunity. This is the third year in a row we will be performing, and the response from the audience has always been amazing. At the end of our shows, we always get a resounding “wait, what?”
Said Tim Johnson-Johnson the leader of the group which appears to be a sinking void where humor goes to die.
The group is hoping to get some great audience suggestions for topics. Such favorites from the past include “please no” “why are the doors locked please let us leave we promise to be good” and “call the police.”
Rochester, NY – Pamela Gillmore from Webster went into labor last night and had to make a choice. Does she go to the hospital, give birth, and commit to a lifetime of trying to throw parties on 9/11, or does she try to hold in the baby to give it a better birth date?
Mrs. Gillmore chose the latter.
“After my water broke I panicked,” said Pamela. “I pictured buying a bunch of little party hats and renting a room at Dave & Buster’s and having no one show up for this kid’s birthday every year.”
How did she keep the baby in? A combination of handstands and extreme Kegels. She said imagine being on a road trip, not having another rest stop for 5 hours, and all you’ve eaten for a week is Taco Bell.
Rochester, NY – Tom’s Hardware is trying to keep up with the times and knows that Social Media is important for marketing.
Unfortunately, like many other local businesses, they have one of their oldest employees in charge of their accounts and they may have caused a tragedy today by using the Comic Sans font on a 9/11 Memorial social media post.
“This is worse than attacking another Country under false pretenses,” said one commenter on Tom’s Hardware Facebook Page.
“Well I was going to use Wingdings but I thought that would be offensive” said Ethel Burnquist, Tom’s Social Media Manager.
Rochester, NY – Fringe Fest is back in Rochester and one of their new shows has everybody talking.
The new spectacular called “Cutting To The Chase” has free tickets because the entire show is just you standing in a circle with other guests and lighting $25 on fire.
“We realized that most of the comedy shows at Fringe are basically so bad it’s like your throwing away your money,” said Johnny Bogum the event’s creator. “At least this way you can actually enjoy seeing your money wasted.”
ROCHESTER, NY – Lollypop Farm gets lots of pussy. Dozens of cats are left at the animal shelter every single day. But now due to the New York Declawing ban, fewer homes are willing to adopt.
So what are they going to do with all of the extra kitties? They have received permission from the city to use the abandoned subway for overflow.
“It’s actually purr-fect” said Lollypop volunteer Amy Koldhamr. “If we released them all in the city they’d eventually find there way down there anyway. Plus it already smells like cat piss!”
City officials hope that the new “Catway” will attract tourists “like those Asian cities that have been taken over by monkies.”