Study: Charlotte Beach Still Super Gross

Rochester, NY – Every year around this time, the University of Rochester conducts a study on whether or not Charlotte Beach is still gross. The Inner Loop Blog caught up with the head of the research program, Phil Wright to hear more about what they found.

‘Yep. I’d love to be more technical about all this but I’ll put it in layman’s terms: it’s yucky. It’s a whole lotta ick. Trust me, you don’t want to go in there unless you want to come out all bleh. I’m not sure why we do this study every year but uh..yeah does that answer your question?

Microbrewery in Bloomfield to Open a Smaller Microbrewery Inside

Bloomfield, NY – The microbrewery The Country Sip in Bloomfield has announced plans for the opening of a new brewery. While community members expected this to mean a second location was to open, The Country Sip specified that they meant a new microbrewery would be opened in the same building. The new bar, The Little Sipper, is to have its grand opening in July.

“While we have had continued success in the area,” the Owner of The Country Sip, Waylon Milton said, “we realized that we had different, more specific brews that you just don’t see in your average, locally-owned, non-corporate breweries.”

To differentiate itself from the competition, The Little Sipper is to serve “the best of both worlds,” by blending microbrews with classic beer. A sneak preview of the menu on the company’s website boasts drinks such as the “Blackberry Miller Lite IPA,” “Rolling Rock Sour Apple,” and the “Bud Lite Lime Limeade.”

Buffalo Bills Now Require Tables To Be Properly Sanitized Before Fans Go Through Them

Orchard Park, NY – Along with the stipulation that all fans in attendance next season, the Buffalo Bills have announced a new task force that will be conducting spontaneous COVID-19 tests of all the folding tables in the tailgating section.

This is in response to a recent study that found 99% of the surfaces that Bills Mafia heaves their bodies through are actually imported from China.

“Listen, we know it’s not good to point any fingers with who started this whole thing but just out an abundance of caution, we’re going to be swabbing them for fan safety,” said an anonymous Health Official.

The Table Safety Force will be out for every home game conducting swab tests to make sure each table is completely coronavirus free before any grown man use them to break their own collarbone.

Your Lame Acquaintance From High School Announces Podcast Reviewing Garbage Plates

Webster, NY- Jonathan Greer, who you’re pretty sure you went to high school with, has announced his new podcast, Plates4Dayz. The podcast will feature Greer reviewing Garbage plates from local restaurants as well as getting black out drunk every episode. Contrary to Greer’s belief, no one asked for this. Literally, not a single soul.

When asked why, Greer responded “I just think it’s what we need right now. Plus, my mom said she was going to kick me out of the house if I didn’t find something to do with my life other than getting stoned and going to Radio Social”.

‘Some Big Trampolines and a Running Start.’ Fairport Releases New Plan for Lift Bridge Closure

Fairport, NY – The lift bridge in Fairport bridge had been expected to reopen in November of 2020 but as you’ve probably read on your mom’s friends’ Facebook posts, that sucker is still closed to this day for construction.

Since this is a lift bridge we do need to clarify that when we say “closed” we mean “closed to car traffic.” Not “closed so that car traffic can cross over it.” It can all get confusing so to put it terms the average Rochesterian can understand, “sh**s f***ed.”

After months of no news, The Innerloop Blog has just received word from the head muckety mucks in Fairport. Turns out after all of this time receiving angry mail from residents they’ve finally caved and come up with a plan to get them across the Erie Canal in a timely fashion.

“We’re going to place some really big trampolines on each side. It’s the best solution we could come up with that was both Green and helped with our town’s fitness initiatives,” said one reprehensive.

They expect the idea won’t be a hit until the first really hot day of the summer and the Ice Cream Factory has a short line on the other side of the canal.

Rochester Americans Request No Sabres be Sent Down to Them This Season

Rochester, NY – Due to the circumstances of the 2020-2021 NHL season, the Rochester Americans have requested that the Buffalo Sabres not send any players down to the AHL ranks this season.

“We are trying to convince them that it is due to safety concerns regarding Covid-19,” an unnamed Team Executive told The Inner Loop Blog. “But let’s be real here, we just want to distance ourselves from what they’ve been doing over there. Especially after that 18 game losing streak.”

The Sabres currently have 9 wins this season, where the Americans have 8. This is in spite of the fact that the AHL season started almost an entire month after the NHL season.

Victor Dad Feverishly Prepares Jokes for New Dick’s Store Opening

Victor, NY – Friday, a brand new state-of-the-art Dick’s Sporting Goods store opens in East view Mall. The grand opening is highly anticipated by many in the area but none more that local Victor dad, Stan Levins. The Innerloop Blog caught up with Stan to find out more about what’s got him so excited.

‘Well for starters, the store is named Dick’s. Hehe, you know like dicks. Woo boy, where do I start? My wife wants to go there and I’m like, what? You want to go check out Dick’s? Holy shit! Like the most hilarious joke ever!! Hunny, what did you think of the Dick’s? Guffaw! The jokes are endless. I mean, that is if I had anyone around to make the jokes to… My wife and children left me three years ago. She said I should go work at Dick’s because that’s what I am. Really hurts when the jokes on you.’

‘Is He Stealing or Tired of Buying Paper Bags?’ Man Barehanding Groceries Puzzles Wegmans Security

Rochester, NY – The Asset Protection team at a local Wegmans was left confused after a man barehanded a pile of groceries out of the store today.

“We really couldn’t tell if he was robbing us or if we’ve gone full ALDI with people bear-hugging their crap to their car,” said Security Member Seth Greendorg.

The Innerloop Blog managed to track down the man and ask him what his deal was and he said he had once again forgot to bring in his reusable bags which he says have made it “1000-times easier to shoplift with.”

Chuck Schumer’s Friends Sorry They Missed His Conference at the Bug Jar

Rochester, NY – After performing a killer conference at the Bug Jar, Chuck Schumer was surprised to see a nearly empty pit below stage.

“Strange, so many of my friends said they were going to make it to the conference,” Chuck thought to himself as he watched his aides pack up his equipment. “Maybe they got lost.” Before he could finish the thought his phone started to ring. It was Kirsten Gillibrand.

“Chuck! I am so sorry I didn’t make it to the conference! I got tied up with work at home.” Kirsten said as she turned on Netflix and grabbed her giant bowl of popcorn. “Don’t worry I will make it to the next one!”

A little bit later he got a call from his buddy Andrew Cuomo. “Chuck! Sorry I missed your conference. I really wanted to go!,” Andrew said as he finished rolling up a fat blunt. “When is your next one? I promise I will make it!”

Greece Man Excited to Be Known as Small Business Owner Instead of Drug Dealer

Rochester,NY- Today the state of NY celebrated the legalization of Marijuana. Governor Andrew Cuomo has officially signed the bill off and marijuana will start being legally sold this September. The citizens of Rochester are thrilled by the news and cant wait to start purchasing weed legally. One local man in Greece has expressed his excitement in this news. We reached out to him to get his thoughts.

” You know, I always knew this day would come. I cant tell you how excited I am. I feel like I wont be known as a failure among my family anymore. I’m proud to say that starting today I will be known as an “Young Professional business owner”, instead of “The guy who lives in the apartment duplex who definitely skimps on my bags of weed”. I really feel like life is turning around for me.

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