Rochester, NY- The plastic ban is coming and Wegmans is the first to enforce it. Many are praising the grocery store chain for taking a stance in helping the environment and turning us towards a more “green” way of living.
That being said, others are saying that the consequences of this are already being seen. Multiple reports are informing us that the rise of dog shit on Rochesterians lawns is almost up a 1000% due to the lack of leftover Wegmans plastic bags.
We spoke with a local Rochesterian about what he’s currently experiencing.
” You know when I first heard of the plastic ban, I was pretty excited. I’ve always considered myself a “environmentally-conscious” person, so I completely support it. That being said, I have stepped in about five to eight different piles of dog shit this week alone. Sometimes on my front lawn and other times on the sidewalk! I think if we don’t take action now and figure out a way to pick up dog shit, the streets of Rochester will be overflowing with dog shit and chaos.”
Pittsford, NY – Whiteout conditions on I-490 east caused Pittsford native, Karen Fisher, to get off at the wrong exit on her way home.
Not exactly sure where she was, Karen reluctantly continued driving and hoped that a familiar landmark would catch her eye. Then without warning, the hulking shell of a dilapidated Wegmans came into view.
“Oh my God, what is this place?” She thought to herself as she quickly locked the doors of her brand new BMW X5.
Filled with terror, Karen frantically whipped her SUV around and sped back towards the highway. As she neared the onramp, she took one last look in her rearview mirror and spotted a sign that said, “Welcome to East Rochester.” Karen promised never to return.
Rochester, NY – Shocking news out of Rochester, NY as sources close to the Elizabeth Warren campaign have claimed that Danny Wegman told Warren in a private conversation in 2018 that women could never be a butter mascot at a grocery store.
Elizabeth Warren has been outspoken about her desire to one day inspire young girls everywhere by finally becoming the first Butter Woman, ousting the tyrannous Butter Boy who has been embroiled in a number of scandals since he was named as Wegmans official mascot for the concept of butter.
“Why not? Can I not shoot for the stars? Can I not yearn for greater things? Can I not hope to one day be portrayed as a genital-less sentient hunk of butter?” Warren said, in response to a unrelated question about Iran at the CNN Democratic Debates.
Irondequoit, NY – An Irondequoit man filed a lawsuit against Lake Ontario for intentionally ignoring the boundaries of his lake-shore property.
“I never thought that owning a home directly next to a massive body of volatile liquid would cause me so many problems,” Williams told reporters.
According to the lawsuit, Lake Ontario intentionally raised its water level and made unwanted advances onto Mr. William’s property without asking his permission. The suit also alleges that Mr. Williams tried to talk with the lake on numerous occasions, but all efforts failed.
“I have owned this house for half of my life,” Williams told reporters, “I am not going to let some lake that has been here for thousands of years get the best of me!” Lake Ontario did not immediately respond to requests for comment
New York is set to ban plastic bags in March of this year, with Wegmans jumping on early and banning plastic bags by the end of January. The announcement has local conservatives up in arms.
“The founding fathers are rolling in their graves!” Said conservative leader John Smith, referring to John and Walter Wegman, founders of Wegmans grocery store.
Local liberal groups are firing back, claiming that there is blood on the conservatives hands, referring of course to the turtles that occasionally get caught in some of the plastic bags and have a hard time getting out, which actually is pretty cute the longer you think about it.
“Who is this going to stop? Do you think the criminals coming in over the border are going to care about some BAN? They are going to get their hands on them one way or another.” John Smith said, referring to the influx of criminals spilling over the border of Hilton and Greece.
He wants the rest of Rochester to know that when the ban falls apart, not to come to him for help.
“Just wait, when the shit hits the fan, the only thing that will stop a bad guy with a plastic bag is a good guy with a plastic bag. While all you little snowflakes are empty handed, I’ll be the one laughing, carrying roughly 5-7 delicately organized items with me, eggs on the bottom bread on top.”
NEW YORK CITY, NY – A visibly distraught Jim Gaffigan asked Rochester what bathroom he should use on a Facebook live video after eating a Nick Tahou’s Garbage plate over the weekend. “I just really need to know where I can unload this hell and I need to know fast,” said the comedian as he struggled to dab sweat off his forehead in the 3-minute long video. Gaffigan performed at The Blue Cross Arena on Saturday, the same day he posted a live video of himself eating a Garbage Plate.
Doctor Kelly of Greece Ridge General Medicine explained, “the pressure he is feeling in his gastrointestinal system is common with such fatty foods.” She continues saying, “the pain can seem unbearable and he’s going to want to find a good load-bearing toilet to release the pressure.”
Reports indicate that Gaffigan had posted a 30-second long video of him on the ground in the fetal position weeping to himself, “I didn’t make it, I never had a chance.” The video is no longer posted on Facebook as of this time.
Rochester, NY – “There is no reason I should be hearing chirping in the middle of winter,” one local man wrote to The InnerLoop Blog’s complaint line. It’s the 5,000th letter we’ve received criticizing about all the birds who decide to stick it out here in Rochester year-round.
Yes, even though they were given the ability to fly and can build a new home wherever they want with any permits, several birds decide to stay in Monroe County even through the Winter.
“It’s crazy. Why would they stay here? They don’t have a crappy family holding them down like most of us” said one local dad in front of his whole family. “At least the bugs have the decency to all die during the winter. They’ve got it right!”