ROCHESTER, NY – Health officials are rushing to respond to the growing outbreak of the diarrhea-causing parasite Cyclospora, and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is turning to Rochester, NY, for a possible cure. The CDC just announced that it has begun collecting blood samples from a Rochester man who has reportedly consumed Genesee Cream Ale without ever experiencing what locals commonly refer to as “the Genny Screamers.”
Federal researchers said they initially believed the subject had misunderstood the question before multiple witnesses confirmed he routinely drinks several Cream Ales and “just goes home afterward like nothing happened.”
Scientists described the man’s digestive tract as “medically unremarkable in every way except the impossible part,” explaining that stool samples from Cyclospora parasites placed near the subject’s blood appeared to “lose confidence” before dying entirely. Researchers now believe decades of repeated exposure to Garbage Plates, Genesee Cream Ale, and extra hot wings with bleu cheese may have conditioned the man’s immune system to treat the parasite as “Tuesday.”
Officials have since placed the Rochester resident under around-the-clock observation, asking him to continue his normal diet. At press time, researchers confirmed the study had suffered a brief setback after the subject accidentally ordered a Genny Light, causing every measurable benefit in his bloodstream to disappear almost immediately.
