Rochester NY – In a shocking turn of events last night, local man Gary Thompson embarked on a perilous Thanksgiving Eve mission to secure the elusive cranberry sauce at Wegmans. Little did he know, his choice would leave his marriage hanging by a thread.
Sources report that Gary, armed with a shopping list and a misguided sense of culinary bravery, waded through the crowded aisles like a cranberry-seeking warrior. Witnesses say he navigated the cranberry sauce section with the finesse of a sommelier, only to emerge with a can of Wegmans Organic Whole Berry Cranberry Sauce. The exact style his wife despises.
Upon Gary’s triumphant return home, his wife, Karen Thompson, was less than pleased. Eyewitnesses report that the atmosphere in the Thompson household shifted from holiday cheer to the tension of a Thanksgiving turkey about to be overcooked.
Karen, visibly exasperated, stated, “I specifically told him to get the Ocean Spray jelly kind because I love the ridges. I even said ‘ridged for my pleasure.’ Like, how hard is it to remember one thing? Now we’re stuck with this cranberry catastrophe, and Thanksgiving is ruined!”
Innerloop Blog sources close to the Thompson family say Gary attempted to salvage the situation by offering to return to Wegmans and exchange the cans. He also told their four children he was going out to “buy a pack of smokes.”
Gary has never smoked cigarettes in his life and was last seen leaving the house at 7:00am Thanksgiving morning. His family is now asking for your help to find him but his wife told our reporters “not to burn a lot of calories on the search.”
Buffalo, NY – In an unprecedented display of priorities, local Western New York man, Dave Couchman, has reportedly decided to take a break from his job search to focus on the crucial task of posting “Fire Sean McDermott” online.
Mr. Couchman, who hasn’t held a steady job since before Josh Allen was drafted, wants the Bills’ head coach Sean McDermott to “join me on EBT.”
“I’ve sent out like five resumes this month, and no one’s called me back,” lamented Couchman. “But you know what? I am confident I can fix my life. I know that McDermott can’t fix the Bills.”
Couchman’s ex-wife Barbara told The Innerloop Blof that if he “put as much effort into job searching as he does into those online rants, he’d have a paycheck by now.”
Mr. Couchman had a job interview last week but was asked to leave after being asked ‘where do you see yourself in 5 years?’ He responded “probably rooting for the mo***r fu****g Dolphins at this rate” and launched into a 20-minute tirade about Sean McDermott and Ken Dorsey.
Rochester, NY – RG&E executives hosted a press conference to promote their new smart meter installation initiative.
“RG&E is dedicated to meeting the energy needs of our customers and giving them the best value for their electricity use,” the spokesperson told the Blog, “that is why our new smart meters will make sure you pay not just for the electricity you use in Rochester, NY but Rochester, MN as well.”
The smart meter is not designed to save you money, it is designed to make sure you pay as much as possible by incorporating the electricity use of every Rochester that exists.
“Now it is Rochester, MN but next will be Rochester, New Hampshire, then Rochester, Illinois… Texas… Canada… the UK… and soon, you will be paying for electricity use from every Rochester across the entire world!” The executive laughed maniacally until he was pulled away by his staff.
Buffalo, NY – A die-hard Buffalo fan was arrested mid-flight for doing what Bills Mafia members do best. Sending folding tables to hell.
During his return flight from London, Western NY native John Brekridge was reportedly cut off from ordering alcohol by in-flight staff and that is when things took a turn.
While the plane was 30,000 feet in the air, Mr. Brekridge was heard yelling about how much money he spent to travel to England “just to watch some bullsh** like that” before jumping from the aisle to elbow drop his folding tray table.
At first, passengers were amazed at the sheer precision of the maneuver but after the Bills fan started to move towards some empty seats to set up another jump, call buttons started lighting up all over the plane.
Upon landing in Buffalo, Brekridge was met by law enforcement officers who promptly arrested him for disorderly conduct and endangering fellow passengers. He was later released after fans rallied to pay his bail calling him “a real fan” and declaring his actions to be “justified.”
The judge overseeing his case appears to agree because his charges were dismissed this afternoon. When The Innerloop Blog reached out for a statement the court replied “This is for Matt Milano” and “Go Bills!”
Henrietta, NY – The town of Henrietta is well known for being a hub of National chain stores and franchise restaurants. It’s an ever-changing landscape of businesses, many of which fail to leave an impression. However, one such establishment lives on in one man’s nightmares.
Kevin Strasenburgh, a 36-year-old Henrietta native, cannot go near the intersection of Jefferson and Clay Rd. without suffering a complete emotional breakdown. Although the hunting lodge-themed steakhouse closed in 2015, with Bar Louie taking over the building, the now demolished lot is a constant reminder of the trauma he experienced therein. Kevin was able to muster up the courage to tell The Innerloop Blog his story.
“It was sometime in the mid to late 90s. We entered the restaurant, which looked like a cabin. I sat down on the bench while my parents spoke to the hostess. It hadn’t been 2 minutes when the tree next to the bench opened its giant eyes and started talking to me. I was freaked out, to say the least. We were seated at a table in the middle of the room. I felt very uneasy as all around there were what looked like taxidermy animals and head trophies. It felt like I was being watched. I tried to concentrate on the menu, ignoring the geese and mounted deer heads surveying the room. The waiter brought me some Pogs, I suppose to calm me down, when a raccoon popped up out of a barrel. I was shaking in terror when a buffalo up on the wall started talking. I jumped up out of my seat and ran to the car.”
Kevin subsequently spent several months in psychiatric care following the ordeal. He has a prescription for anti-anxiety medication for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He noted that he still gets triggered by Tickle Me Elmo and Big Mouth Billy Bass. He maintains that the intersection will forever haunt his memory.
Rochester, NY – Two Friends with Money Brewing is the latest craft brewery to open its doors in a suburb of Rochester.
They will have many familiar drafts on tap including an IPA with a name alluding to some familiar Rochester stereotypes.
“We can’t wait for our friends and neighbors to taste our unique blend of beers including our “Genesee River Reference Lager” and “Another Bitter But Acceptable IPA.” One of the owners told The Innerloop Blog.
Two Friends with Money Brewing hopes their new brewpub will really toe the line and follow suit with all the other established ones in the area.
“We are looking forward to doing nothing new or unique with our brewery,” the owner said, “we just want to serve our mediocre beer and $15 pub pretzels with pride to the community!”
Irondequoit, NY – A sinkhole formed on St. Paul Boulevard this week and construction crews have been working diligently to repair the road. Today the workers were surprised when Rochester’s famous meat hot sauce started bubbling out of the ground from inside the crater.
“I was in there poking around with my shovel when all of a sudden I started smelling ground beef, chili powder, and cumin,” said Dexter Taylor of Irondequoit. “I yelled to the boys ‘This baby is gonna blow’ and we got out of there just in time.”
While Rochesterians are used to feeling hot sauce eruptions the day after eating a garbage plate, seeing the famous topping shooting out of the ground was quite a sight.
Geologist Mya Wallace says to expect more stories like these in the next few years. “Rochester sits on many deposits of meat hot sauce like this one. Because global warming is contributing to extreme weather events, we will be seeing more sinkholes like this forming, and more people accidentally tapping into these delicious deposits.”
The Innerloop Blog reached out to UDig NY, the phone number you’re supposed to call before breaking ground in your yard, and the service did admit that these wells of meaty goodness are a major concern. “A lot of people think we’re trying to save the public from digging into their home’s gas or power lines… really we just want to make sure no one gets blasted in the face by hot ground beef and lard.”
Rochester, NY – Local uncle and self-proclaimed Buffalo Bills superfan, Bob Thompson, found himself at his 8-year-old nephew’s football practice instead of basking in the glory of the training camp. Unable to secure tickets to the coveted practice sessions at St. John Fisher College, Thompson decided to drown his sorrows in a six-pack of his favorite beer right there on the sidelines.
Sporting his legendary tailgating apron, complete with sauce stains from games gone by, Thompson unleashed his uninhibited enthusiasm on the unsuspecting child athletes. The parents sitting near him originally thought his Interpretive dance moves, slurred motivational speeches, and off-key singing of Bills’ fight song were cute, but it quickly got sad.
“He kept on calling my son Josh,” said Tyler Heathenrow of Henrietta. “The worst part is my kid doesn’t even play quarterback.”
Thompson’s nephew, Timmy, who plays offensive lineman for the team, was seen desperately trying to disassociate himself from his overenthusiastic uncle. “I understand why Grandma and Grandpa told me he’s their least favorite,” Timmy muttered, clearly embarrassed.
Mr. Thompson says he plans to jump on Bills Training Camp tickets much sooner next year but he told us that as he was wetting himself so we find it tough to believe.
Webster, NY – Charlie Riedel’s Restaurant is a huge part of many Websterian diets and now it’s a huge reason why one of them could be going to heaven.
The restaurant just hosted its very first baby baptism this afternoon with the help of a local priest and one of Charlie’s famous pickle buckets. Amid the delightful aroma of sizzling burgers and the faint cries of confused customers, 3-month-old Thomas Aaron Leaven was dunked into the sweet pickles and declared “purified and sanctified with a side of fries!”
While most local religious leaders we spoke to were simply excited to have a story involving a child be published that wasn’t horrific, some did express concerns with the ceremony.
“I’m all for innovation, but there’s something a bit off about dunking a baby in a vat of pickles,” said Pastor Mabel Crispen of the First Congregational Church. “Baptism is a sacred tradition, and it deserves a bit more reverence than being pickled like a cucumber.”
If you’re interested in giving your newborn a brining of a lifetime, simply call or text anyone named Chuck, Charlie, Charles, Chip, or Chas. They will be able to set something up for you.
Penfield, NY – There’s a new restaurant in town and it’s all the east side is talking about. The Bar-Bill Tavern, a staple of Buffalo, just opened up a new location on Empire Boulevard in Penfield and if you want to know how good their food is, all you need to do is ask any of your friends that have been to a Bills game in the past few years.
Most of the Rochesterians that are overly excited about the new Bar-Bill share the same story. They either ate the wings while pregaming at a Buffalo Bills game or got them on the way home from the game. Either way, their BAC while eating said food averaged about .2 or above.
“I don’t remember much about the night I was there but I do remember those wings slap,” says the guy you hang out with that you didn’t invite to your wedding.