Flower City Union Gives Rochester a New Soccer Team To Overlook

Rochester, NY – Soccer is officially back in Rochester, as a new team will be starting in the National Independent Soccer Association. The new team has been named Flower City Union and is set to debut in 2022.

This has led several Rochesterians to wonder if this means that the Rochester Rhinos are gone for good. The answer, surprisingly, is no.

The Rhinos have not played since 2018, but are expected to make their return in 2022, meaning that Rochester will soon have 2 professional men’s soccer teams. Since most people forgot that the Rhinos stopped playing in the first place, it’s safe to say that a lot will forget when these teams first hit the field.

Edit: The Rochester Lancers also still exist, by the way.

Bars Combine Leftover ‘Cuomo Chips’ and ‘Cuomo Pretzels’ To Make World’s Largest Snack Mix Downtown

Rochester, NY – It has been nearly a week since lawmakers in New York voted to repeal Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s mandate that people must order food with alcohol purchases and local bars are still scrambling to figure out what the hell they’re going to do with all their leftover snacks.

“I bought $30K of chips to sell to these alcoholics,” said one local bar owner. “Who buys chips at a bar if they’re not forced to?”

It’s because of this frustration that local business owners like this hero are erecting a giant plastic container downtown. Every bar with be dumping their entire stock of “Cuomo Chips” or “Cuomo Snacks” into the structure to create the world’s largest snack mix.

“Every Rochester resident will be allowed to drive-by and fill up their truck with snacks,” said one bar owner that wanted to remain anonymous. “Better get it before the seagulls figure out how to open the lid.”

Jazz Fest Organizers Blame ‘Skeep-Scop de Bop Co-Vid-de-Bop’ for Festival Cancellation

Rochester, NY – Monday, festival organizers released a statement stating that the 2021 event would be canceled for the second year in a row.

‘Listen daddy-o, it’s not about the festivals you play, it’s about the festivals you don’t play, ya dig? Hot can be cool & cool can be hot & each can be both. But hot or cool man, Jazz is Jazz.’

A representative for the organizer told the blog, ‘Uh what he means is that we aren’t getting enough guidance from the State as to what are the correct measures and guidelines to follow regarding capacity and other factors, ya dig?

Rochester Grandma Will Still Require You To Eat If You Want A Drink At Her House

Rochester, NY – Local bars and restaurants are rejoicing now that Governor Cuomo has lifted the restriction that patrons must buy food with drinks. It is a move that may save many small businesses, and be a blessing to the economy. However, in 82-year-old Chloris Watt’s house, that rule doesn’t apply

“Everyone who comes overlooks too thin, especially all my grandchildren,” Watt told an Inner Loop reporter. “I don’t know what kids are eating these days, but whatever it is, it isn’t enough. Anyone who comes into my house looking for water won’t get it until they have a homemade cookie, a slice of pie, or leftover lasagna.”

At press time, Watt is watching The Price is Right. “That Drew Carey is cute, but he’s no Bob Barker.”

Dad Who Remembers Every Bills Draft Pick For the Past Decade Forgets Son’s Birthday

Rochester, NY – It was Freddy McCallahan’s fifth birthday yesterday but he ended up celebrating it with just his mother because his father Teddy was busy “prepping for the draft.”

Teddy is not an NFL scout and is in no way affiliated with the Buffalo Bills, but he dedicates hours of his life studying up on college football prospects mostly so he can dominate the comment sections of Bills Mafia Facebook Group he’s a part of.

Unfortunately for his son, his birthday this year fell on “draft eve” which is the day that Teddy gets his “war room” ready. This means prepping his basement to the optimal temperature, making sure his snacks are ready, and finding the exact spot in his couch that will perfectly swaddle his whole ass for the entirety of the draft weekend. While figuring this all out he missed his son’s entire birthday.

Hilton Man Excited To Find Out His “Tobacco Use Only” Bong Also Can Be Used for Weed

Rochester, NY – In honor of 4/20, local smoke shops have decided to come clean about their smoking devices. After years of telling customers that they were from tobacco use only, they’ve put out a press release admitting they were lying.

“If you used our 5-foot bongs to smoke tobacco you should seek medical attention immediately. That’s just straight-up unhealthy,” says the joint statement that was ironically written on rolling papers.

This is news to Clark Simpson from Hilton who has been obeying the signage in the display case and has only been using his device to inhale copious amounts of tobacco. “I was wondering why my friends all stopped talking to me after I passed it to them at parties.”

Trump 2020 Sign Elected to Penfield Town Board

Penfield, NY –  In a special election, a political sign for Donald Trump’s re-election campaign has been elected to the Penfield Town Board. The Trump 2020 sign (R) is considered a rising political star in Penfield.

“This is a tremendous victory for him,” the sign’s Campaign Manager, Karen White, said on Wednesday. “He perfectly represents the people of Penfield and what they stand for.” White stated that a run for Governor in 2022 is certainly in the cards for the sign. “Think about it. There is no way he can sexually harass anybody, so that’s already one advantage he has over Governor Cuomo.”

The sign’s opponent, a coffee mug that read “The Notorious RBG,” was unavailable for comment.

Perinton Landfill To Be Moved to Greece in Effort To Increase Property Value

Greece, NY – This past week, a new agreement has been reached for Perinton’s ‘High Acres Landfill’ with a move to Greece in the works. ‘We just think it’s a great move for both parties,’ a Monroe County official told the Inner Loop Blog.

The blog caught up with local realtor, Nick Francesca to hear his thoughts on how it will affect the Greece housing market.

‘It’s an exciting time to be a realtor. The landfill coming to the west-side is going to do wonders for the neighborhoods whose value has been plummeting. People are always saying I have trash neighbors, now you actually have neighbors that are trash. Listen, the smell alone that the landfill will bring in will be an improvement. My phone has not stopped ringing since this move was announced!’

City Officials Look To Rejuvenate Downtown With Big Lawn

Rochester, NY – The prized downtown lot, Parcel 5 will become a temporary outdoor entertainment space city officials announced this past week. Parcel 5 is the latest in the long list of projects aimed at bringing people downtown. The Inner Loop Blog caught up with Rick Perkins of Penfield to hear his thoughts on the project.

‘There are few things I love more in this world than a lawn, I’ll tell you what. The bigger, the better. All that green open space, sprawling blades of glorious majesty…I’m sorry, I got a little caught up in the moment. All I want to know is, can I mow it?

‘Yes you can,’ one top city official responded when hearing of the resident’s inquiry. ‘Sundays will be bring your own mower day: rider, push, gas, electric we’ll take all comers. Just bring it out and you too can get a chance at trimming this gigantic lawn. We really think this is going to draw in suburban dads, a demographic we’ve been trying to reach for years.’

10 Reasons to Go Back to Wegmans for a Third Time Today

One does not simply go to Wegmans once a day. Here are 10 reasons why you should go back a third time.

  1. You just spent over $100 on groceries but you forgot to grab something for dinner.
  2. You need a 12 pack of Ruby Red Kolsch to help you forget your obsession with Wegmans.
  3. You love waiting in line behind an old person who pays in coins.
  4. You enjoy risking your life in the Wegmans parking lot.
  5. You like getting exercise running through the store while your arms are full of groceries.
  6. You enjoy forgetting your reusable bag in the car.
  7. You live for the thrill of almost running into people with a shopping cart.
  8. You want to see if they finally made slices of your favorite pizza.
  9. You like to zig zag through aisles to avoid people you recognize.
  10. You are a masochist who gets off on going to Wegmans.

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