Danny Wegman’s Kids Still Upset That They Rank Second to a Sub Sandwich

Apparently the heir to the Wegman’s fortune are still not pleased with their father Danny, who has made it clear that neither she or his grandchildren are his favorite, as all of them rank substantially below a mid tier deli meat sub sandwich.

“Capicola has done more for me than those damn kids ever have and I’ll be damned if I turn my back on it” Said Danny Wegman as he sat and tried in vein to convince his lawyer to add the famed sandwich into his will as the sole beneficiary.

The kids have doused themselves in sub oil many times before in a desperate attempt to connect with the Wegmans Patriarch, but to no avail.

“He sees right through us. There is no fooling him. Say what you want about my father but he can tell the difference between his human child and a submarine sandwich 80% of the time. He’s that damn good.” Said his daughter, wiping away her tears with two loaves of ciabatta.

East Rochester Aims to Vaccinate More Than 70 of Its Population by End of Year

East Rochester Mayor John R. Alfieri announced his goal of vaccinating more than 70 of the town’s population by December 31st, 2021 in a press conference earlier this week.

“The pandemic isn’t over as soon as you are vaccinated as an individual,” he explained early Tuesday morning. “We need the community to be vaccinated. At least 70 of you guys. Come on.”

This announcement follows more than half a year of vaccine controversy within the town, with many residents insisting that only 50 people really needed to be vaccinated, and many more insisting that full herd immunity was achievable by simply letting the entire population of the town die.

At press time, East Rochester has reached 30 vaccinated individuals, with the mayor noting that they were off to a good start, assuming they could reduce their total population to 80 people.

Study: More People Take Selfies At Radio Social Daily Than Listen To Rochester Radio

Rochester, NY – A new study from RIT has compared the latest Neilson ratings for Rochester Radio and the Instagram upload rates of selfies from Radio Social and the results are shocking.

It appears that for the first time in the city’s history that there are now more people taking pictures with the old-timey radios at the hipster bowling mecca than actually listening to the radio.

Researchers say further studies are needed but their current hypothesis is that there’s an ingredient in Radio Social’s hummus that makes people want to quit listening AM/FM wavelengths and instead crave the soothing sounds of NPR podcasts and Spotify “chill vibes to study to” playlists.

The study’s lead author Stephanie Farner says “it’s either that or radio just kind of sucks.”

9/10 Rochester Doctors Recommend Leaving Rochester And Not Looking Back As A Cure For Seasonal Depression

Rochester, NY – In a recent survey, 9 out of 10 Rochester doctors have recommended getting the hell out of Rochester and not looking back as a cure for seasonal depression.

When asked for comment, Dr. John Roth said “Leave. Get out. Do not, under any circumstances look back. It’s for your own good.” Roth also suggested relocating to places with a warmer climate, such as Hawaii, the Carolinas, or even Hell.

When pressed to explain all of the Yo-Yo Rochestericans (people that move out of town only to move back) Dr. Roth simply stated that “people tend to block out trauma. These folks leave and choose to remember ‘seasons’ but completely blackout memories of Lake Effect Snow.”

Greece Police Department Announce Stricter Measures To Cover Up Police Misconduct

Greece, NY – Last week, the chief of police for the Greece Police Department announced stricter measures to hide police misconduct.

“I want to apologize to the public for our failure to hide crimes committed by our officers.” the new Greece Police chief told reporters. “We are above the law and we need to make sure everyone knows it.”

When asked about recent allegations of police misconduct, the chief responded that they, “need to do a better job of protecting officers from prosecution.”

East Rochester Man Pursues Comedy Dream By Commenting “Let’s Go Brandon” Below Every D&C Article 

East Rochester, NY – Don Frost always had dreams of being a comedian. He assumed they weren’t feasible because nobody would laugh at any of his jokes, so he decided to get into property management instead. However, after losing his job and marriage due to photos emerging of him exposing his genitals at the January 6th Capitol riots, Don has renewed hope. He has taken his comedy game in a new direction.

“It’s funny, because what I’m really saying is “F*ck Joe Biden,” Don said of his fresh new bit where he comments “Let’s go Brandon” below literally every article posted by the Democrat & Chronicle. “But only smart people know that. Yesterday one of my comments got two laugh reactions – one from a guy with an eagle wearing an American flag thong as his default pic, and one from a guy standing next to a deer he just killed with an AK-47, and I thought “these are my people right here.””

At press time, Don is waiting for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to respond to his “You up?” DM.

Joywave’s Faucets Turn to Blood, Air Ducts Fill With Locusts as Pharaohs’ Curse Continues

Rochester, NY – By now you may have heard the story of Joywave’s drummer Paul Brenner receiving a package containing live scorpions but the Innerloop’s Music Correspondents have been informed the nightmare didn’t stop there.

According to reports, guitarist Joseph Morinelli was surprised this morning to find the water coming through his faucet was not water at all. It was blood.

It also appears lead singer Daniel Armbruster has also had issues at his apartment. RG&E was called to the premises this afternoon in response to a complaint that locusts were filling the building shortly after the heat kicked on.

After speaking to the band’s manager, it appears all of these problems started following Joywave’s trip to play a concert in Egypt. During a visit to a local museum, one of the members bumped into an ancient chest containing the remains of the priest Lufenamun. The canopic jars filled with the high priest’s mummified organs were cracked in the process and an old security guard in the museum could be heard yelling “the curse has been released” as he stormed out the building.

Thinking nothing of it, the band returned to the states and recorded their fourth album ‘Cleanse’ which is set for release on February 11th. The studio engineers say the music came together quickly for them, “almost as if they were possessed.” “We had to edit out a lot of mentions of sand and Nefertiti but it’s one of the best albums I’ve worked on,” said Greg Smorgen who produced the record.

After talking to a local Egyptian History expert, the running theory for all the danger Joywave has faced recently is that they’ve unlocked the five plagues of Sinai Desert on themselves when the mummified remains were disturbed. “They’ve had scorpions, blood, and locusts, so now all that’s left is the lesions on their skin and slumping album sales. That last one is because before becoming a priest, Lufenamun really tried to be a singer but was cast out when the Pharoah’s daughter said he sounded pitchy.”

 Sheriff Baxter Super Hungover After Drinking Entire Gallon Of Milk To Celebrate Victory

Monroe County, NY – Incumbent Todd Baxter won big in the Monroe County Sheriff’s race on Election Day. Although he ran unopposed, Baxter was still pretty proud of himself, and celebrated well into the morning hours, downing an entire gallon of whole milk in the process. The Innerloop caught up with a lethargic, glassy-eyed Baxter in his home this morning to get his thoughts.

“The win feels great, but physically, this is worse than the time I devoured a whole blooming onion to my dome piece,” said Baxter, before sprinting to the bathroom.

Our reporter waited an hour for Baxter to return, then decided to leave after becoming uncomfortable when Mrs. Baxter wanted to discuss critical race theory.

South Wedge Resident Writes In “Soy Chai Latte” For Mayor, Rides Away On Unicycle 

Rochester, NY – Malik Evans ran unopposed in today’s election, but not all city residents are ready to accept him as the new Mayor. One of those residents is Blaine Davenport of the South Wedge.

“I was super bummed that Howie Hawkins wasn’t running this year,” said Davenport, before taking a long drag of his Signal Cigarette. “I’m not prepared to let a fascist white supremacist like Malik Evans just take over the city without putting up a fight, so I wrote in “Soy Chai Latte.” I know it’s a long shot, but I’m not a conformist just because I’m a suburban-born white kid. F*ck white people, bro. ACAB.”

At press time, Davenport is oiling the chain on his unicycle, or something weird like that.

Man Uses Spirit Medium To Ask Billy Fuccillo What The Best Interest Rate Is On A 2012 Honda Accord

A local man utilized the help of a spirt medium to make direct contact with recently deceased former car salesman Billy Fuccillo this past Friday in an attempt to ascertain the best possible interest rate one could hope for for a 2012 Honda Accord.

It is said that the medium first used a Ouija board to make contact.

“I knew we had located the spirit when the board spelled out one simple word. “HYUUUUGE”” Said the medium, in between hits of her clove cigarette.

When asked if Fuccillo had any messages for his friends and family the local man told us that he did not, and that his only other message was “anything between 3-10 percent would be a pretty good deal.” while the lights in the room flickered.

“I got chills up and down my back and the temperature in the room dropped 10 degrees at the mere mention of Tom. Thats when I knew that we must be in contact with the main man himself.”

The medium has requested that customers stop asking her to reach out to old local commercial personalities. 50% of her customer base has been said to try to reach out to Jim The Hammer Shapiro despite the fact that he is still very much alive.

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