Rochester, NY – There has been a great deal of news coverage lately devoted to police in unmarked vehicles arresting peaceful protesters in Portland, Oregon. Now, it appears this phenomenon has made its way to Portland Avenue. Except it is not protesters who are being detained: it’s pastries.
According to several witnesses, on Wednesday, July 22nd, two unmarked vans pulled up to Ridge Donut Cafe. Eight men exited the vans in full riot gear, entered the restaurant, and put what according to the owner was a thousand dollars worth of donuts, cookies, and brownies into pillow cases, then sped off without saying a word.
“It’s not fair, man. These donuts have rights,” witness Chris Richardson told an Inner Loop reporter. “America is descending into Fascism right before our eyes. Free the donuts!”
Another witness, Ben Phillips, feels quite differently. “These pastries are no good. I mean, they’re delicious, but they give people this sugar rush that makes them go crazy. I say arrest them all. Trump 2020!”
The Inner Loop tried to interview an FBI agent outside of their Rochester office, but he refused to comment. We did ask him about the white powder below his nose, to which he claimed, “That’s not sugar, don’t be ridiculous. That’s just cocaine, you silly goose.”
Hilton, NY – Residents of Hilton are up in (track mark covered) arms today as Governor Cuomo has announced that there will be a new law that forces residents to purchase food along with their black tar heroin.
The move comes in an attempt to limit unnecessary gatherings during the pandemic as studies show the number 2 most enjoyed activity in Hilton was “buying heroin” right behind bowling at Pleasure Lanes while high on meth.
Many have complained that this new law infringes on their god-given rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of narcotics.
Rochester, NY – It was announced recently that Kodak would be receiving a $765 million government loan to help produce generic drugs. Some experts estimated that this would help create over 300 jobs in the Rochester area.
Things took a bleak turn today, however, when Pfizer declared that it had invented digital drugs. Kodak’s stock plummeted as the announcement was made. The news hit Wayne County resident Travis Walters particularly hard.
“It sucks, man. I thought this could be my big break, but now it seems to be dead on arrival,” Walters told an Inner Loop reporter. “Looks like I’ll just have to keep cooking meth, and make the move to digital soon.”
Rochester, NY – After Rochester festivals were canceled, all the local women that enjoyed hula hooping during every single free concert, whether the music called for it or not, thought that their summer was over. But RG&E is putting their non-stop hip gyrations to good use.
“We’re tired of Fairport Electric getting all the good press, so we’re stepping up our energy game,” said one RG&E rep.
The hula hoopers will be fed a steady diet of kettle corn and blooming onions and have Rusted Root’s entire discography played at them while they spin. The hoops themselves have been rigged to transfer the energy directly into the Rochester grid and it’s been said “one hippy can power an entire home during ‘Send Me On My Way.'”
Buffalo, NY – On Friday, July 24th, it became official that the Toronto Blue Jays would be playing the majority of their 2020 home games at Sahlen Field in Buffalo. Although the games will be played without people in the stands, the Buffalo sports fans made their presence felt at the airport by throwing dildos at the Blue Jays players as they exited the team’s plane.
“It’s not an ideal situation,” said die hard Buffalo sports fan, Jim Groves. “Usually we like to throw dildos onto the actual field, but desperate times call for desperate measures. We just wanted to give these guys the proper Buffalo greeting, so they know they’re appreciated here. Let’s go, Buffalo!”
At press time, Blue Jays third basemen Vladimir Guerrero Jr. is being treated at Mercy Hospital of Buffalo for a corneal abrasion resulting from a dildo strike to the eye.
Rochester, NY – Black Lives Matter protesters followed through on their promise to shut down traffic today during rush hour and it caused some unexpected consequences.
The event shut down multiple checkpoints to I-490 for 8 minutes and 46 seconds, which is the same amount of time George Floyd was on the ground with a police officer’s knee on his neck.
During that time, a group of unmarked vehicles appeared, and masked men jumped out the door. While the demonstrators were afraid it could be federal agents there to kidnap them, but they were surprised to find these men were carrying power tools instead of ground control weapons.
“It was crazy. These dudes just appeared and in 3 minutes, there was a fully erected business right in the middle of 490” one protester reported to The Inner Loop Blog. Moments later, a Spirit Halloween banner was haphazardly hung from the front of the construction, and the open sign was turned on.
“Well this isn’t what we meant by wanting progress but I guess it’s something,” said one exasperated protester.
Canandaigua, NY – A few days ago, Roseland Waterpark announced it was closing for the season. This was devastating to many children in the area, and also 42-year-old Gates resident, Ted Sanford.
“It’s terrible. I go there multiple times every year,” a teary-eyed Sanford told an Inner Loop reporter. “It’s my only escape from crippling depression and alcoholism brought on by three divorces. But if these big shot waterpark owners think their bogus rules are going to stop me from taking a steamy piss in the lazy river, they’ve got another thing coming.”
At press time, Sanford is preparing for his trip to Roseland by urinating in his neighbor’s pool.
Albany, NY – Following the addition of 10 more states to the NYS travel ban, Governor Andrew Cuomo added the suburb of Rochester, Greece to the list noting that a 2-week quarantine may not be enough if you happen to travel there.
‘Listen I’m going to straight with you, the place is gross. Do you remember the Ninja Turtles? Remember where they lived? The sewers, that’s right. Greece is like the sewers. You understand? Very yucky. Listen, you’re going to want to burn the clothes you were wearing and take a long hot shower and then quarantine for 2 weeks. That’s it. Burn, shower, quarantine. Mike, add Greece to the list! Okay, it’s on there.’
Rochester, NY – Sunday afternoon, Black Lives Matter protestors took over a section of 490 to draw attention to police brutality. Although the protest did not interfere with those working traditional nine-to-five jobs, the situation turned out to be a major inconvenience for Larry Grovins of Victor.
“Every Sunday afternoon I visit my mistress, Tammy, in Churchville,” Grovins told an Inner Loop reporter. “It’s the only time I get away from my family, other than my job, and when I decide to go to the bar. It sucked because I had to take an alternate route, and by the time I got there, Tammy had taken too much Xanax and passed out. In other words, Black Lives Matter ****blocked me, and that’s why I don’t like them.”
At press time, Grovins is at his favorite watering hole wearing an “All Lives Matter” T-shirt, and looking for an East sider to cheat with, so he can avoid further ****blocking by protestors.
Rochester, NY – After years of criticism, the Washington Redskins decided recently they will be changing their name, which many consider to be racist. The change has other sports teams considering adjustments to avoid offending fans. Yesterday, Red Wings President Naomi Silver announced that in 2021, the Red Wings will be known as the “Rochester Native American Wings.”
The name change came as a surprise to local Native Americans, who in no way found the original name offensive. “You have to be careful these days,” Silver told an Inner Loop reporter. “In this hyper PC culture, there is no telling who you’ll offend. I think we can all agree that “Native American Wings” is a safer, more sensitive name than “Red Wings.”