ONTARIO, NY – Despite HBO’s Chernobyl being one of the highest rated television series of all time, a recent survey shows that people living near Ginna Nuclear Power Plant haven’t yet watched the series.
“We are just watching other stuff. It has nothing to do with it being a scary story about a nuke plant killing everyone nearby it. We feel really safe! It’s great living here” said a four-armed woman who lives a street over from Ginna.
“Everyone is talking about that show! It seems like a must watch” said Barry Stephens who lives just one house over from the Power Plant. “When I say everyone, I mean everyone. I can hear everything within a 50-mile radius with my third ear.
“Doctors tell me living near the reactor gave me this super listening ability. They also tell me I have maybe two good years left before my body melts into mush! Better binge it tonight!”
Greece, NY- Area resident Richard Dentman knew just what to do with his Ten Year High School Reunion invitation.
“I threw it right in the trash!” He laughed. “I know for some people high school was ‘the best years of their life’, not me. I don’t want to see any of those people again.”
But when his girlfriend insisted on attending the Barnard Firefighters Carnival last Saturday, he knew he probably would not avoid any of the people he hoped to that weekend.
“Yep. Shelia Bowkolski, who dumped me the day of prom, she’s working for Gweneth Paltrow’s company out of Brooklyn, or as she called it ‘The Paris of NY’, I swear to God she said that.” Richard mused before forming his hand into a gun shape and placing his finger to his temple in a “Shoot Me In The Head” type gesture.
There were apparently several others that evening who besieged themselves upon Richard and his unsuspecting girlfriend.
Alan Thomas Jr., a former baseball teammate of Richards, spends most of his time commenting on articles on FaceBook ranting about politics. This didn’t him from stopping from catching the young couple up on his expansive and batshit crazy world view while they rode the Merry Go Round however.
“Fucking Chaz and Tony Winchester moved to Florida to work for their Dads company. They’ve somehow become even more terrible human beings. Never tell someone that they’re the worst, because they will prove to you they can be worse.” Richard added, although it was unclear if they were at the carnival, or if he was simply on a tangent at this point.
ROCHESTER, NY – In honor of Fathers Day this year, Dads across the greater Rochester area are gathering downtown to rev up their most prized possessions and parade through the city. Parts of the inner loop, Main Street, East Ave and Goodman will all be closed off to help celebrate fathers and their favorite past time this Sunday. Local dad and grass enthusiast Liam Johnson said “We all hate our wives and kids so much, seriously, why do you think we now the lawn so much? I wait for a grass stalk to grow a half an inch so I can block out the world, crank up my iPod shuffle and ride my mower and escape my family for a hour or so.” The parade begins at 11 am and goes until the wife and kids go to sleep.
ROCHESTER, NY – According to local mother Skye Walker, whose parents clearly never imagined that name on an adult, her husband Kyle has recently gone missing following a trip to his local vape shop.
“He was just headed out to the corner vape shop for a fresh pack of cartridges,” says Skye, who has somehow never seen a Star Wars movie. “He’s got a son at home. I hope he’s found soon.”
According to neighbors, things in the Walker household were not always as harmonious as they may seem.
“I saw when Kyle stormed out,” says a neighbor who wishes to remain anonymous, but is frequently seen peeking through her blinds. “They had been arguing about Robert Pattinson being cast as the new Batman. Kyle insisted that nothing could top Christian Bale’s performance, and left in a blind rage when Skye suggested that there hasn’t been a good Batman since Adam West.”
As per usual in these instances, Kyle’s son was an afterthought.
Rochester NY – The AHL has a new rule going into effect next season forcing all of the teams in the league to appear more like their nicknames.
The hope with the rule change is to increase fan turnout and attract a younger audience. “It’s tough with players always moving around to new teams to really root for any of them. If they have the physically alter their appearance to be on a team, we think that will add a new level of commitment to the city that will get everyone into hockey” said one local sports commentator that sounds like every other local sports commentator.
Big changes have already been made in the league. The San Jose Barracuda players are have had an oral surgeon sharpen their teeth, the San Diego Gulls have rigged up a system to drop their player’s poop from the ceiling randomly onto the ice, and the Hershey Bears are set to have three burly gay men on their starting lineup.
The Rochester Americans staff decided that to fully represent their namesake that their players had to gain enough weight to be clinically obese and rig guns on to their hockey sticks. “What we lost in speed on our skates, we make up with bullets,” said Charlie Woncay the Amerks Team Captain.
Rochester, NY – The Rochester Red Wings broadcast may have looked like there wasn’t anyone at Frontier Feild but don’t be fooled.
Last night’s game was actually another wildly successful “dress like a seat night” at the ballpark.
“No it’s real we promise. It’s not just what we tell ourselves and our players to make each other feel better! Rochester loves baseball! Sports town USA! The Rhinos are still playing too!” said the progressively crazier looking Red Wings General Manager.
Rochester, NY – Tired of waking up without diarrhea? Genesee Brewery and CoffeeMate have you covered with the new ‘Genny Cream’ for your morning cup of joe!
“It has everything you love about Genny Cream Ale. A smooth feel, a refreshing lager taste, and an ABV of 5.10%. Oh and it will make you have the Genny Screamers as well!” said brewmaster Bruce Juice.
For those who are unacquainted, the ‘Genny Screamers’ is the nickname for the side-effect of drinking Genny Cream Ale where you are forced to stay near a toilet for the next day because you will unexpectedly have to fire off a tidal wave of liquid poop with a force that can only be matched by the mighty Genesee River.
Local beer snobs are excited. “It’s not the ‘best part of waking up’ it’s more like ‘the only reason I actually get up’ you know?” said a local alcoholic who is also my stepdad.