Memorial Day Grilling Causes Spike In Hot Dog Juice Eye Related Injuries

Rochester, NY – Local hospitals say they’ve seen the sharpest increase in cases of “Hot Dog Revenge” this Memorial Day.

Doctors say these injuries occur when a pop open hot dog does not pop completely on the grill. When bitten into the dog will spray liquid hot magma dog juice into people’s eyes.

“It is most likely Rochester dad’s aged 40 to 50 who are likely to suffer from this ailment. the burns are exacerbated when also coming into contact with relish juice” said one local physician.

Fairport Cyclist Flaunts New Bandana and Assless Chaps While Riding the Erie Canal

Fairport, NY – With nice weather beginning to hit the area, Fairport cyclist, James Edwards, decided to finally take his bicycle out for a spin.

“I’ve been waiting all winter to hear the chain on this baby purr.” He said pulling up his assless chaps.

“Something magical happens when the stench of the canal hits your nostrils and the wind tickles your bare ass.”

Unfortunately, accidents involving cyclists and pedestrians along the canal towpath have risen in recent years. James hopes this summer will be different.

“I don’t care if your child is learning to ride a bike or you are just trying to enjoy the weekend with your family.” he said while tying his new skull bandana around his head, “Pedestrians and amateur cyclists need to learn to share the canal.”

To let pedestrians know they are near a cyclist, James recommends screaming “on your left!” as loud as possible. If that doesn’t work, he suggests wearing assless chaps.

“That usually startles the families real good.”

Porn Hub Threatens Lawsuit Over Lollipop Farm’s New ‘Kitten Cam’

Perinton, NY-  In an effort to help new kittens in the area find a ‘forever home’ Lollypop Farm this past week launched their new ‘kitten cam,’ a live feed of the human society’s cutest felines. ‘We’re so excited about the positive response this has gotten!,’ a representative for Lollypop told the Inner Loop Blog. Unfortunately, not everyone is as excited.

Porn Hub, the adult streaming behemoth issued a statement Tuesday condemning the use of ‘Kitten Cam’ pointing out that the company has been using that same name for one of its webcam services since 2013. ‘Kitten Cam, Kitty Cam, Here Kitty Kitty Cam, Kit-Kat Skat Cam’ and ‘Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Cam’ are all trademarked and the use of is strictly prohibited without Porn Hub’s expressed permission.

‘We hope that this doesn’t get messy’ a representative for PH told the Inner Loop. ‘I mean,  don’t get us wrong, we like messy but not in the legal sense. You get it.’

 

 

 

Local Wives Refuse to Resume Sex Until Phase 4 of Reopening

Rochester, NY – As the region begins its re-opening, an emergency meeting of the Rochester Women’s Coalition convened to discuss whether or not to extend their ‘Pause Vagina’ plan.

‘I think we should just stay closed forever’ Tammy Markels of Victor told The Inner Loop blog as she left the meeting. ‘My husband has been doing fine without it, taking up hobbies, working in the yard…I did wake up to the bed shaking violently the other night but it stopped after a minute or two and I think he was just having a nightmare.

‘We’ve come to an agreement and have decided that phase 4 is most appropriate to re-introduce sex, coalition president Tracey Wilhams told The Inner Loop. This is the phase that includes arts, entertainment, recreation, and education and I think we can all agree that the vagina offers all of those things.’

‘We are willing to pull back our offer if the correct measures are not met, trust me we do not need your gross post quarantine bodies on top of us. If I’m being truly honest what we need is a vaccine for men. Me and my rabbit are doing just fine without Steve over there.

RCSD Teachers Still Considered Unessential

Rochester, NY – As Rochester prepares to enter phase one of New York State’s coronavirus recovery plan, many have raised questions about what businesses and workers should be considered essential. 

The Rochester City School District wasted no time letting the public know their answer.

“We would like to reiterate that all teachers should be considered unessential.” An official for the district said during an impromptu press conference on Zoom.

“We believe that the only way to balance the budget and keep your children safe, is to make sure no teachers step foot into our schools for the foreseeable future.”

The district was already facing a massive budget deficit prior to the start of the coronavirus pandemic.

 

ELAB Employee Who Sold You $250 Bong Deemed Essential

ROCHESTER, NY – In a not widely publicized move, smoke shops have been deemed essential businesses by the state of New York. That means the 3 foot masterpiece of glasswork you purchased with your stimulus check is actually essential to living through these uncertain times.

“Listen if we don’t let people get their vape juice, their grape swisher sweets, and their grinders during these very uncertain and unstable times, how can we expect them to stay sane and not just start purging? It’s a safety measure meant to prevent anarchy, and to promote calm during these UNCERTAIN TIMES!” Shouted Governor Andrew Cuomo, fresh off a mega hit of that loud he got from his cousin Rivers

During these um, uncertain times, us writers really rely on the use of uncertain substances to maintain our uncertain sanity. The times, they’re just so uncertain that finishing this paragraph? Well that’s going to take an essential trip to the smoke shop to find a nice piece that doesn’t burn the beasters I just got so fast.

“Stay safe and smoke loud” Snoop ‘Uncertain Times’ Dogg”

City Honors Bravery of Essential Workers by Flying Seagulls Over Monroe Ave

Rochester NY – Inspired by the Blue Angels flight across America, the city decided Wednesday that they too would honor the bravery of the region’s essential workers with a flight of their own.

‘Truly breathtaking’ one local called the seagulls’ flight from the McDonald’s to the 7-11 and back to the McDonald’s because someone had dropped their fries in the parking lot.

‘It’s just not something you see every day’ another city resident standing outside the laundromat told the Inner Loop Blog.

‘Yes it is stupid’ another resident yelled. We asked if they might expand on that. ‘like I said, we see that dumb shit every day. Damn seagulls, where the sea? huh? These seagulls just eat Cheetos and drink Mountain Dew Code Red, they crazy.

‘Not at all’ was the response we received when we asked an essential worker if they were inspired by the city’s efforts. ‘Halfway through the flight one of the birds shit on the guy driving a convertible. Now that was funny, inspiring no, hilarious yes.

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