WEBSTER, NY — Kevin Lockhart’s concession speech following his third-place finish in the Webster town supervisor race was repeatedly interrupted Tuesday night by several demons arguing inside his head.

Lockhart, who received 3.04% of the vote on the Justice and Peace line, had barely begun thanking supporters when the voices reportedly began questioning how nearly 3% of Webster’s voting population had looked at the other candidates and decided he was the best option.

“The issue isn’t that he only got 3%,” said one particularly agitated demon, emerging from a cloud of smoke above Lockhart’s head. “The issue is that there are apparently people in this town who saw Kevin Lockhart on the ballot and thought, ‘Yes. That’s my guy.’”

The demons were reportedly even more upset after realizing Lockhart’s vote share may have helped cost Republican candidate Sean Hanna the election. Hanna finished behind Democrat Alex Scialdone by just over two percentage points, meaning Lockhart’s votes were enough to potentially change the outcome had they gone to Hanna.

“You couldn’t have just stayed home?” one demon reportedly screamed. “You had to get involved? You had to put your name on the ballot? Now we have to live with this.”

MEXICO, NY — The town of Mexico, NY announced Tuesday it would change its name to Epstein List to avoid being targeted by President Donald Trump’s reported push to rename New Mexico to New America.

“We figured if we changed our name to something he absolutely doesn’t want to talk about, we might fly under the radar,” said town supervisor Mark Henderson.

At an emergency town meeting, residents considered alternatives including Little Saint James II, Saladtown, and Shmexico before settling on Epstein List.

“If Trump wants to rename every place with Mexico in it, or anything vaguely Canadian, we figured we’d better get ahead of him,” said one longtime resident. “The high school is already on board and changed its team name to the Victims. Should make for some interesting merch.”

Webster, NY – Webster grandma, Mabel Cullen, has reportedly brought home another T-shirt for her grandson Braden after a weeklong visit to Myrtle Beach with her girlfriends. This is now the fourth tourist shirt brought home to Braden Cullen after his grandma spent her trip dining at Margaritaville and playing slot machines at The Big “M” Casino.

“It’s a little big,” claimed Braden when talking to reporters after putting it on to show his mom how it fit. Concerned neighbors say the T-shirt featured a coconut tree with the phrase “I got my nuts blown off at Hurricane Hanks in Myrtle Beach”.

“Grandma has been having a lot of trouble seeing lately, and I don’t think she meant to get that type of shirt”, explained Braden’s mom, Ashley. Allegedly, the family has plans to maybe “wear it once so she can see you in it” to avoid future conflict.

Late reports indicate that Grandma Mabel is fully expecting Braden to wear the shirt for his upcoming school picture.

ROCHESTER, NY — President Donald Trump announced Thursday that every adult in Rochester will receive a $585,000 dividend if RG&E wins a Rochester Community Choice Award, calling the proposed payout “a tremendous deal for a shithole city filled with losers and crime, and also, people are saying, food even I wouldn’t eat.”

“Five hundred eighty-five thousand dollars for every adult,” Trump said. “That’s a lot of money. And it’s because of RG&E. They’ve been doing a fantastic job. Really great people.”

Trump said the $585,000 figure was selected because it represents Rochester’s 585 area code, before launching into a half-hour rant about Ludacris’s 2001 song Area Codes featuring Nate Dogg:

“We love Luda, don’t we? Ludacris. And area codes. It’s a very sophisticated system. Frankly, I understand area codes better than most people. But Luda leaves out 585. Completely leaves it out. Rochester. Very strange. You’re making a song about area codes, you’re listing them all over the country, and you don’t have Rochester? That’s a problem.

And then you’ve got 340, which is the area code for the U.S. Virgin Islands. Very interesting area code. Called it many times. Beautiful islands. Everybody knows them. I’m not going to get into why people know them, but they know them.

And Nate Dogg is on the song. Great voice. Great name. DOGG. Not Snoop. Nate. But if they had added 585, I think it would have changed everything. You could have had Rochester right there with all the other cities. Maybe Ludacris comes to Rochester. Maybe Nate Dogg comes to Rochester. Maybe they go to a Wegman. You never know.”

Editorial by Mark Maira

Sorry to the woke mob of Rochester but there’s a change coming to our community and you’re not going to be happy. The socialist regime of Kathy Joke-chul, Barrack Hussein Shawcross Obama, and Rachel BarnFart are losing their precious Lake Ontario and President Trump will now be rightfully naming it Lake America.

What, is that a problem libtard? Do you hate America and what it stands for?

Oh I’m sorry Lake Ontario? Like the Province in Canada? Where Toronto is! Where, from what I understand, is a place that many gay Canadians live.

Years ago a Fast Ferry crossed this beautiful lake dozens of times and I personally could not celebrate it. For years my children participated in large melees involving area school children that I could not attend because of the disgusting and hurtful name this lake carried. But thanks to MY president that will all change.

Tonight I hope you will join me. As I plan on making my way through a beach full of diapers and syringes to arrive at the beautiful pee stained shores of Lake America. There I will remove my hat, put my hand on my heart, and salute the American flag proudly waving next to a Punisher and Buffalo Bills flag on the back of a boat named “S.S. Thick and Frothy”… floating in the newly named Lake America.

Brad Williams: The Tall Tales Tour

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Pittsford, NY — Early reports from the Concentrix office on Monroe Ave show that at least one co-worker ate between 2,000-3,000 calories of home fries and mac salad before 11 A.M. on a Tuesday. Staff said that they’ve been smelling hot dogs coming off of account executive Sam Wetzel, along with visible sweat beading across his forehead.

“It really is an uncomfortable situation,” reported receptionist Julie Bower. “Most of us are still working on our first cup of coffee, the sun has barely even risen completely over the horizon, and he’s burping meat sauce into the office.”

“To be honest with you, it makes us question his decision-making skills and professionalism in the workplace,” explained Branch Manager Alicia Begandy. “We have a standard of cleanliness and self-respect that we hold ourselves to that Sam is clearly not following.”

According to multiple sources, the custodial staff is already certifying overtime hours to deal with the impending fallout.

Greece, NY — In a startling turn of events, there were zero loud booms reported on any of the seven Greece centered Facebook groups this morning. According to page moderators of “Neighbors of Greece”, “Greece Uncut”, and “Greece Uncovered” there has been an eerie lull in posts about a random “boom” happening in an arbitrary part of town.

According to Mary Cassella, the moderator for Greece’s buy nothing page, every morning there is a report of a loud boom echoing through the town by at least 11 A.M. but absolutely nothing today. “Usually there are posts asking if there was a meteor strike, gunshots, small homegrown terrorist attack in the area… but it has been crickets today.”

Concerned neighbors did mention that there was a severe lack of missing cat posts, Ring camera images of random area black teenagers, and the use of the term “riffraff” across all Monroe County town pages this week.

Rochester, NY — During a press conference earlier this week, Waste Management’s CEO confessed that “he doesn’t really get why you guys want to throw all of this really nice garbage out to begin with.” This came after weeks of spotty and inconsistent rubbish removal services by Waste Management in Monroe County came under fire.

“Like this shit is good, like really good,” he explained to a room full of reporters when questioned why there has been such a sudden drop-off of service in the Rochester area. “I’m seeing people throwing out paper plates, tampons, empty peanut butter jars… like use your imagination once in your life and reuse some of this stuff… it doesn’t need to be thrown out!”

When asked for a comment, the CEO of RG&E said, “I’m glad to have the people of Rochester off my neck for even one minute right now.”