ROC Cinema Comedy Open Mic

Always wanted to try stand-up comedy? Are you a comedian that wants to add “performed in a theater” to your resume? Come work on your material at the…

ROC CINEMA

COMEDY OPEN MIC

HOSTED BY THE INNERLOOP BLOG

FRIDAY NIGHTS

IN-PERSON SIGN-UP STARTS AT 8:30PM

OR SIGN-UP IN ADVANCE ONLINE HERE

HOW IT WORKS: Names will be drawn from a hat by the host and comics will have 5 minutes on the microphone!

At the end of the night, the audience will vote on their favorite comic and the top performers will be invited to The Innerloop Blog’s Comedy Showcase! Those will be ticketed events on the last Friday of each month where comedians will get more stage time and get paid!

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ROC CINEMA’S FOOD & DRINK MENU

Local Man Changes Pronouns From “We” to “They” When Referring to the Buffalo Bills

Rochester, NY – Western NY is still dealing with the trauma of the Buffalo Bills loss against the Cincinnati Bengals, and some #BillsMafia members are taking it harder than others.

Since the beginning of the season, Ralph Wendle from Rochester has spoken about the Bills as if he were a part of them. He could be heard in his office saying “we’re going to win it all this year” or “we crushed them on Sunday.” But since the Bills got knocked out of the playoffs he has made a choice to change his football pronouns to “they.” As in, “they f***ing suck again” or “I can’t believe they s*** the bed like that” and “they cost me a f***-ton of money.”

We spoke to a local mental health expert who recommended we stop making all this dumb content for The Innerloop Blog but also told us that Mr. Wendle’s story isn’t uncommon.

“It’s called bipolar fandom dysphoria. When the team is doing well, they feel like they’re a part of it and actually contributing to the losses even though all they’re doing is drinking heavily on a Sunday afternoon. But when the team is struggling, they disassociate from the team and refer to them in the third-person point of view.  In some extreme cases, they may even feel like they identify as a fan of another team.”

Joe Burrow Caught on Camera Dipping Wings Into Mayonnaise

BUFFALO, NY – Forget the bleu cheese vs ranch debate that has raged between Midwest and western NY as likely secret murderer/arsonist and current Bengals QB has been exposed for his love for dipping Buffalo wings in mayonnaise.

This photo submitted by the Innerloop Blog by one depressed Bills Mafia member appears to show Joe Burrow dipping a drum into the sandwich spread. We have sent the image to our youngest cousin who is good with photoshop to see if it has been digitally altered in any way. 

While we consider ourselves tolerant of differing tastes (their spaghetti chili abomination, their gorilla-murdering zoo, Pete Rose) Joe’s affinity crosses an indefinite line that should at the very least land him on the commissioner’s suspension list and the FBI watch list.

Lux to Host First Career Fair Exclusively for People With Septum Piercings

Rochester, NY – The mayor’s latest effort to revitalize Rochester took place at one of the city’s hidden venues, Lux Lounge.

“We want to ensure that even the most basic dejected hipsters have an opportunity to begin a long and fulfilling career in Rochester.” The mayor told reporters.

Instead of resumes, applicants were asked to bring their art portfolios and a body map of their piercing locations. 

“We expect all applicants to have their septum pierced,” one recruiter told the Blog, “but nipple piercings are in high demand as well.”

 

Gun Buyback Event Sets Records After City Offers Eggs for Illegal Firearms

Rochester, NY – “We’ve offered gift cards before but nothing has worked like this,” said Officer Darrell Peterson.

In an effort to keep guns off the streets of Rochester the city has offered chances for people to turn in weapons, no questions asked, in exchange for money. These Gun Buyback events have been sparsely attended in the past but that all changed today after they switched from offering cash to handing out produce. More specifically one egg per gun.

“It was insane that they thought $50 was enough for me to turn in my guns,” said one anonymous man we spoke to carrying a dozen eggs outside the event. “Now that they’ve got something that’s good, I’ll be back!”

The Rochester Police Department estimates that 95% of the weapons turned in came from drug dealers who are transitioning into chicken farmers.

“We’re going from slinging rocks to selling yolks,” said one former gang member. “Drug money is good but that egg money is like generational wealth.”

New Garbage Plate M&M Unveiled To Promote Depression Awareness

HERSHEY, PA – M&M made a statement recently with the introduction of their newest sex-positive character, Purple by having an all-women candy bag, which shocked people who are confused and disturbed my anthropomorphic candy.

Capitalizing on that reaction the company has decided to roll out some local m&m characters including a bag with only Brown, Yellow, & Red M&M to represent traditional garbage plate colors and promote depression awareness.

“We at M&M know we are more than just the most mediocre candy and have to be at the forefront of all social issues. That’s why we saw Rochester, NY a place known for a beloved dish that ultimately represents the sadness inside of us all to promote awareness of the scourge of depression.”

CEO Mr. Mars Barbo shouted into a microphone to awestruck candy fans

 

Grown Up Take on a College Bar? Rochester’s Newest Hangout Offers Student Loan Debt Consolidation

ROCHESTER, NY – Attempting to bridge the gap from college to adulthood can be tough especially when you go from dorms and beer pong to making $8/hr to work at Home Depot trying to pay off a 40k student loan.

Enter LubeSharks, a new bar in the public market that offers not only an extensive list of domestic and craft beers, but also a debt consolidation officer who will help you navigate through various options that will not help you whatsoever!

“It was a great time getting smashed trying not to think about the massive debt I’m in from getting a sports management degree at Nazareth 14 years ago, and once I was good and slammered a guy tried to offer me a loan to pay off my debt that would’ve been twice as much as I’m paying now. I mean I applied and he said I didn’t qualify but it’s a cool idea I guess. Go Bills.” – local college graduate Marvin Larva was heard muttering to nobody in particular

 

 

Pittsford Woman Can’t Wait to Tell You How Smart Her Unborn Fetus Is

Pittsford, NY – A local woman just found out she is pregnant but can already tell her fetus is hitting key milestones of a highly intelligent baby.

“This fetus has no knowledge of the outside world and was just conceived, but I just know it is more gifted than other fetuses.” The woman told a confused-looking barista at Starbucks.

“Can you believe it is already saying mama and dada?” as she pointed to her belly, “this fetus is just so smart for its age!”

The woman told a random person standing in line that the fetus is really good at problem-solving especially after she eats a massive burrito from Chipotle.

“Mam, this is a Starbucks,” the barista told her.

“This Is For #3” Says Bills Fan Sneaking A Dildo Into Highmark Stadium

Orchard Park, NY – Today the Buffalo Bills and New England Patriots face off at Highmark Stadium for what is set to be an emotional matchup considering this is the first game the team has played since safety Damar Hamlin suffered from cardiac arrest.

Football fans attending the game are wondering how differently the team plays after such a traumatic event, what the stadium has in store for a tribute to Hamlin, and most importantly, will the Billdo tradition continue.

It has become commonplace to see at least one dildo thrown onto the field during a home game versus the Patriots and one fan is making sure that it continues.

“We need the Billdo more than ever,” says Dale Firven of Buffalo, NY. “Things are going to feel very heavy for good reason but between the tears, we need cheers, and that’s where this veiny bastard comes in.”

Firven said he will be making sure his timing is right but fully expects to “hit the center of the endzone” after the first Bills score.

Webster Dad With No Medical Experience Knows “Exactly What Happened to Damar”

Webster, NY – “It’s the vaccine,” says Kent Miller, Webster resident and full time Buffalo Bills fan.

Mr. Miller has been spending his days telling friends, family, and strangers at Hegedorn’s that he has “no doubt” the injury that safety Damar Hamlin suffered in Monday night’s game in Cincinnati is directly a result of the NFL’s push for players to get the COVID vaccine.

“The same thing happened to the brother of a friend of a guy I know,” explains Mr. Miller. “They got the vaccine and boom, next thing you know their heart stopped.”

We asked the longtime Webster native if he has any proof that his story was real or any source from the medical or scientific community that backs his Damar theory and he said he would get back to us via email.

Update: Mr. Miller has sent us an email and as soon as we figure out the Dark Web we will verify this source.

URGENT UPDATE: Does anyone know how to get their stolen identity back? We fell down a rabbit hole of links that Kent sent our way and we think we accidentally bought opium from someone on the black market and that transaction turned out to be a scam to get our social security info.

LIVE UPDATE: Turns out all the info about blaming the vaccine was bullshit but we have some promising leads on chemicals in white hots make you less susceptible to alien transmissions.

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