Irondequoit Man Admits He Has Never Spelled His Hometown Right Without Auto-Correct

Irondequoit, NY – While Niko Bryan was born in Irondequoet he admits he has never been able to spell it correctly without spellcheck on his devices.

“Yeah honestly I am super glad when I have to type in my address online that I get to put Rochester instead of trying to spell that mess of vowels and shit” Niko told us at the InnerLoop.

Irondequoiet derives its name from the Native tribe known as ‘Vinny-and-angello-of-irondequoita-dodge.’ A hunter-gatherer based Indian civilization that traded beaver pelts for Dodge Neons in the early 1800s.

Ironically, even though Ironedaquoit has one of the more difficult town names to spell the Erondahquout School District consistently ranks at the bottom of literacy education.

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East Rochester Man Says He Is In the KKK, But Swears He’s Not Racist

EAST ROCHESTER – Glen Nicodemus wishes to assure everyone that despite the verbal altercation in a park with a black teen and his friends after they caught him taking pictures of them, despite the fact that he was caught on video shouting the n-word at that black teen while spraying him with a hose a la Bull Connor, despite threatening that teen by bragging about his membership in the KKK, he is most definitely NOT racist.

“’KKK’ stands for ‘Kool Kids Klub’!” explained the 59 year old. “What else would that stand for? This is Rochester, after all. I can’t be racist! This is the North!”

Nicodemus was arrested on Wednesday, August 20th after a video came out of him on August 14th spraying the black teen and threatening him. Even though he called him the n-word multiple times and announced his membership in the KKK, town police chief Steve Clancy stated that this incident did not rise to the level of a hate crime. Nicodemus was only charged with second-degree harassment and released on his own recognizance. When asked why it took nearly a week to arrest and charge him, and then be out on the street again with such a light charge, Nicodemus explained that nearly half of the police force and most of the judges and district attorneys are also in the “Kool Kids Klub” as well.

“Kool Kids Klub is just a neighborhood social organization that entertains children. Sometimes we dress up as ghosts at night while doing cool tricks with ropes and hang out. Kids love ghosts and ropes tricks! In fact, one time we welcomed a family into the neighborhood by giving them a welcome letter in 1957, and back in the 1920s we had a big party! We’re all about having fun!”

Nicodemus then took a big sip of Bud Light from his confederate flag mug, which matched his confederate flag slippers, pants, and wallpaper. When asked about all the confederate flags, he explained, “I’m just really into the Dukes of Hazzard. Does it have any other meaning?” He then spilled some beer on his “Bring Back Rhodesia” t-shirt.

Some, including the black teen’s mother is skeptical of his claims of non-racism. “There are only two types of people named ‘Nicodemus’”, she said, “Jamaican reggae singers, and full-fledged neo-nazis in the suburbs”.

Nicodemus could not explain this peculiarity, as he had to make a bunch of large wooden crosses. “Tonight, we’re gonna put on our ghost costumes and show some of our neighbors how fired up for Jesus we are!”

Wegmans Themed Nightclub to Open on East Ave Called “The Shopper’s Club”

Rochester, NY – Finally a Nightclub You Can Feel Good About! Wegmans announced today they will be moving into the nightlife business with the new “Shopper’s Club” downtown Rochester dance nightclub.

“It will be a mix of TiLt, Dubland Underground, and the Wegmans Market Café” said club promoter Wanny Degman. “We’re going to have pizza, subs, sushi, and specialty Wegmans cocktails mixed with the flavored seltzer water you all love.”

Owners say they have rigged the old self-playing pianos from the food courts to play modern dubstep and pop remixes.

Darien Lake Waterpark Turns Bright Green After Adding Chemical to Detect Pee

Darien, NY – The waterpark at Six Flags Darien Lake had patrons running for shore after a chemical changed the water to an eery green color.

Organizers decided to add a chemical agent to the water to detect which patrons were going #1 but quickly realized there pee levels were at record highs when the entire park started to glow.

“We were standing under the barrel in Pirate’s Cove and it was like an airplane dropped a load of radioactive goo on us,” said one park attendee.

“We tried to close down the pools to get things sorted out but the people from Rochester refused to get out,” said Lifeguard Stephen Glandsburg. “They said they live near the Genesee River and sketchy water doesn’t freak them out.”

The Puerto Rican Festival Turns 50 and Won’t Stop Cat-Calling Younger Festivals

Rochester, NY – This year, the Puerto Rican Festival celebrates its 50th birthday and it’s as horny as ever. The PR Fest took some time out of its busy schedule of swimming in pools with its shirt on and driving around white neighborhoods blasting reggaeton out of Mitsubishi Lancer decked out with a giant flag with a frog on it to let us in on some of its all-the favorite festival cat-calls.

Lilac Festival

-Hey beautiful, I know you tired from waiting all day in that kettle korn line.

Let me Li-Lick those feet mami.

(please don’t shame me for my fetish)

Glass Fest (Corning)

-Ay pretty, you call this Glass Fest, to me it seem more like Ass Fest!

(PR fest admits he wasn’t feeling inspired that day)

Rochester International Jazz Festival 

-Well damn look over here! You know what sex and jazz have in common?

I don’t get either!

(please I’m very lonely and insecure)

Sterling Renaissance Festival 

Ay yay yi, I’m bout to get medieval up in dat booty girl!

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Seneca Park Zoo Accidentally Schedules ZooBrew on Opposite Day

Rochester, NY – Choas took over the Seneca Park Zoo after a scheduling error put ZooBrew on an opposite day.

In accordance with opposite day law, all the humans had to be put on display in the cages, while the animals were able to roam free and drink craft beers.

“The animals really had a blast,” said marketing manager Stacy Tillgum. “The elephants got black-out drunk almost immediately and start using their tusks in inappropriate ways and the otters filled a kiddy pool with White Claw and swam around in it.”

There are also reports of a Tiger getting so wasted it got the SNow Leopard pregnant.

“Luckily all the beer made it easy to get the animals back into their cages” said another representative from the Zoo. “The difficulty was actually getting all the white people out of the enclosures. They kept on saying it was like ‘camping’ and it ‘made them feel free’ or some stupid shit.”

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