Old Person in Wegmans Comes to a Complete Stop for No Apparent Reason

Penfield, NY – An all too common scene of confusion and frustration unfolded inside Wegmans early Sunday morning when an elderly person came to an abrupt stop while pushing her cart.

“It was almost poetic,” one shopper told the Blog, “There she stood, grasping her cart, staring blankly into the produce section. Was she lost in thought or was she just lost inside Wegmans?”

More and more shoppers began to line up behind her as the elderly person took out her lengthy shopping list.

“She began to slowly cross off items on her list one at a time,” another shopper said, “she had no idea fifty people were waiting for her to move to grab a carton of eggs.”

Secret ‘Underground’ Turkey Trot 5k to Be Run in Abandoned Subway

-Rochester, NY

‘With everything being cancelled this year because of the pandemic, we had to take the Turkey Trot underground…I mean literally under the ground,’ Steve Matthews of Webster told the Inner Loop Blog. Steve has been organizing the event for 10 years, this year if it was going to happen he had to get a little creative.

‘Yeah so this year there is no Turkey Trot,’ Steve told the blog while winking. ‘But if there was one, it would start over by the entrance to the abandoned subway near Dinosaur BBQ.

I’m really excited to hear that it’s still happening,’ Leslie Hall of Penfield told the blog when she heard the news. ‘My sisters and I didn’t make these personalized ‘Hall Lives Matter’ t-shirts for nothing!’

‘I think the new venue will provide a rawness that the run has been missing over the last couple of years’ Steve went on to tell the blog. ‘Honestly, you may be running for your life down there.’

Governor Cuomo Announces That You Can Only Be Thankful for a Maximum 10 Things

Albany, NY – In his latest press conference New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo issued new guidelines on how many things you can be thankful for this holiday. The Inner Loop Blog obtained a transcript of the statement.

‘Listen, I know we’re all tired of new guidelines but when they’re followed they work (points to graphic ‘following rules works’) These new instructions have to do specifically with the holiday. When you list all the things you are thankful for, limit them to a max of 10. This has been passed down from my CDC team as an appropriate number of gratitudes. Okay, I’ll get more specific, if you have children or pets, each one counts as one ‘thankful for.’ You can’t just say children or my pets (points to graphic saying ‘count each one separately’ )

Listen, I understand that this year especially we have a lot to be grateful for but please keep everyone’s’ safety in mind and limit it to 10 or less.

Also, this is unrelated, but when news outlets post this article please disable the comment section and in every article related to me going forward.

Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving Dining Room Table in Irondequoit Stuck Between Orange and Yellow Zones

Irondequoit, NY – The Williams family of Irondequoit knew that Thanksgiving this year would be different. What they didn’t count on, was how different it would be. As plans went ahead with the small holiday gathering, Lisa, the matriarch of the family realized while watching the six o’clock news that one half of their dining room table was in a yellow zone and the other half in an orange zone. The Inner Loop Blog visited the Williams family to see how they were dealing with the crisis.

‘I’ll tell ya, I nearly dropped my Fresca! My own table split between zones. I still can’t believe it. So now I got one side of the table set up with a treadmill, weight rack and salon chair and the other only 33% of people can worship Jesus Christ. I tell ya, Thanksgiving will never be the same again.’

Regardless of Bills’ Bye Week, Area Man Habitually Gets Drunk Around Noon and Yells at Television

Rochester, NY – As the NFL season enters Week 11, the Buffalo Bills have a bye week with no game scheduled. That hasn’t stopped John Dobbins of Fairport from continuing his tradition of downing a case of Coors (the banquet beer) and yelling at the television. The Inner Loop blog was able to speak with John’s wife Sharon.

‘Honestly, knowing that there was no game this week I thought we would have a nice Sunday together, just me and the kids. But no, John, in a manic state started murmuring around 10am about how the g-d Bills better not lose this week and how he’s still not over that bs catch at the end of last week’s game. I told him ‘ain’t no game this week John.’ He just looked at me and said ‘Quiet woman!’ Now, he’s just got QVC on and he’s shouting about how there’s no way those knifes can cut through that. I’m very worried about him.

Penfield Resident Recalls the Trauma of Seeing Panhandler on First Visit to the City

Rochester, NY – On an unsuspecting Thursday evening, Mark Smith, life-long Penfield resident made his first trip to the city and was willing to sit down with the Inner Loop Blog to recall the horror.

“My wife Margaret and I had just picked up take-out dinner from the Revelry when we stopped at a red light. It was yellow and I slowed down, I obey the rules of the road but now in hindsight I wish I hadn’t. As we’re sitting at the light a..a..I don’t know, a person approached our car with their hand out. I said ‘Margaret, don’t move a muscle. They’re like T-rex’s, if you don’t move they can’t see you’ He tapped on my window and said something about a container of food sitting on top of my car, that he wasn’t asking for money just didn’t want my meal to get ruined, ya know what I’m not sure what he said. I just know that when that light turned green I hit the gas. Sure, our meal was ruined but I had to get out of there! Not sure I’ll be returning to the city any time soon.

Paychex Offering “Zero Middleman” Option for People to Deposit Their Income Directly to Wegmans

Rochester, NY – “Tired of beating around the bush and pretending like you’re ‘saving for your future’ or ‘putting money away for a vacation?’ Then you need our Zero Middleman option!”

That’s how Paychex press release started promoting its brand new service allowing Rochesterians to have 100% of their income go directly to Wegmans.

“Our studies have shown that people are actually more comfortable having all their money on their shopper’s club card than in a bank,” says Frank Fordicuss who spearheaded the project. “In theory all of these people will be able to just walk into Wegmans, take whatever they want, and leave. They’ll also be able to make their own subs at the sub shop, ” detailed Fordicuss, “which alone is a nice enough perk.”

Twins End Partnership With Red Wings After Realizing Team Was Not in Rochester, Minnesota

Rochester, NY – It was announced this week that The Minnesota Twins MLB Franchise was ending its partnership with The Rochester Red Wings, who have been their Triple-A affiliate since 2003.

The news became official after Twins’ General Manager Thad Levine decided he was going to spend a day last week in Rochester visiting with the team’s management. Thad reportedly left his office in Minneapolis and took the 90-minute drive down to Rochester, MN only to discover, there was no baseball team there called The Rochester Red Wings.

Angered, Thad called his assistant General Manager and asked for an explanation. Assistant GM Rob Antony reportedly told him that the deal had been signed some 17 years ago and nobody ever thought to follow-up on it. We were able to reach Antony for comment, he told us “As God is my witness, I thought The Red Wings were in Rochester, MN.”

Red Wings owner Naomi Silver said “We thought it was odd that not a single person from the Twins ever showed up even once to check on us. Here we’d been changing our name to The Garbage Plates and doing all kinds of wacky stuff, just positive we’d eventually be told to stop by The Twins, but never a peep. Kinda makes sense, they never even knew we were here.”

Local Testicles Announce They’re Confused, Annoyed by Rochester Weather Fluctuations

Rochester, NY – The InnerLoop Blog has been given a statement from Rochester’s Union 2, the organization that represents all testicles in the Monroe County area, and we’re posting it here unedited:

Dear God,

Please pick a temperature. We can’t take it anymore. We’re up, we’re down, we’re inside the body, we’re outside the body, we’re in shorts, we’re in skinny jeans, we’re snug inside a thermal sock. Some consistency would be nice.

Webster Man Who Spent $3000 on Trump Merch Starting to Think His Money Could Have Been Put to Better Use

Webster, NY – Lon Lemke was really hoping beyond hope that New Yorkers wouldn’t be “cucks” again this year and actually vote Republican for President.

“I really thought that these libtards would notice how great their life has been over the past four years and give this president, the greatest president we’ve ever had, another term,” says Lemke. “But once again, these Dummy-craps showed their true colors!”

Lemke estimates that he has spent close to $3000 on flags, hats, clothes, and other Trump decals to show off how much of a fan he is of the president. But now he’s worried that maybe all the money he spent getting his boat painted with ‘F*** Your Feelings! Four More Years!’ is money that could have been put to better use with his family.

He did note that he does have a daughter that has lost her job because of the ravaged economy and a brother that is currently in the hospital dying from COVID. When we asked him if all that merch money could have help them in their rough times, he stopped, look a bit shocked, but than told us to “go eat Obama’s butt” and showed us a purchase order from a Chinese wholesaler for ‘TRUMP 2024’ flags.

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