Rochester, NY – The world-renowned House of Guitars is finally expanding after 55 years of business. Their second location which will be called the Studio Apartment of Ukuleles hopes to appeal to a younger audience and is set for a Grand Opening next year.
“We noticed that the kids these days aren’t into electric guitars. They’re more into looking like Zooey Deschanel on Instagram and having an instrument portable enough to ruin everyone else’s day wherever they go” said one HOG manager.
The new location promises to have the same “vibes” as the flagship store with “shit everywhere” and signatures of “people that haven’t done anything” all over the walls.
Rochester, NY – In a groundbreaking new study to determine the quality of the air in Rochester, scientists recently discovered that the air found behind the local bar LUX was actually composed of 95% weed smoke and farts.
“There is basically no oxygen left back there. Technically human life shouldn’t be able to survive in that environment, but the patrons of LUX seemed to have built up a tolerance to the air due to years of straight-up huffing farts and ripping fat bowls.” Said Dr. Jenkins McDerbles, who also noted that the bathrooms in LUX were actually composed mostly of solidified of cocaine at this point.
We found a patron of the bar who was ordering a “Cheeseburger Shot” to be directly shot into his veins when we asked what they thought of the new revelations he simply said “420 fart it!”
A statement that our employees here at The Inner Loop have been trying to decode for hours.
ROCHESTER, NY – A Bronx man and a Pennsylvania man are suing Wegmans for selling a product that had no intention of being the real thing. Jimmy Arriola and Quincy Steele are incensed that the Wegmans brand vanilla ice cream does not have actual vanilla in it, ignoring that most “vanilla” ice cream hasn’t had actual extract from the beloved Mexican and Madagascar bean, ironically associated with whiteness.
“I felt like a fool. All I could taste is carrageenan and the guar gum. No vanilla”, says Arriola. “It’s bad enough people call me ‘Jimmy Nips’ because of my last name. Now they’ll shit on me for this! What will they call me now? Vanilly Nips?”
Nips was too distraught to continue the interview, but a Wegmans representative gave a suggestion in order to avoid mistakenly ingesting food that lacks ingredients a shopper desires: “Turn the fucking box around and look at the ingredients”, says Mark Burton, chief of sales and Danny Wegmans nasal powder service distributor. “It’s store brand ice cream, an artificially flavored tub of frozen sugar milk that you get to balance out the too-much sugar in one of our overpriced sheet cakes. If he wanted quality, he should have sprung for the Ben & Jerry’s”
On a related note, Quincy Steele is also suing Wegmans about their Moose Tracks ice cream, as it does not have actual moose droppings and hair in it.
ORCHARD PARK, NY – A frenzied Sean McDermott was seen in a team meeting screaming at his players to avoid the “fake news” that the team has a bye week to rest before their next game.
“I don’t know if Belichick is working with George Soros or what but there is no way we are not playing a game this week. It’s a distraction to get us to forget to show up and end up 4-2!” Mcdermott shrieked as he covered the room’s windows with tin foil and collected cell phones from bewildered players.
“The Patriots play a Thursday night game so those bastards have nothing better to do than unravel our supposed week off by asking their buddy Goodell to schedule a game for us. It’s a damn deception, you guys have to believe me!” Mcdermott continued, pleading with coaches to barricade the doors and show film of CFL teams who could potentially be surprise opponents on Sunday.
South Bristol, NY – Local billionaire Tom Golisano filed a police report this morning alleging he woke up to find a scary message written in goose poop in his yard. While some people may think this would be the work of a deranged person, or a disgruntled Paychex employee, Mr. Golisano knows this is the work of the rapid goose gang that has taken over his home.
It has been well-publicized that Tom refused to pay a $90,000 school tax bill last year after the town did nothing to give him relief from this hoard of beaked Canadians. What hasn’t been noted is the mind games the Geese have been playing on the local philanthropist.
“At one point, everything you touched had poop somewhere on it. He’d go out to his car in the morning, boom, poop in the handle. He’d go to make coffee, boom, poop in the coffee pot. He’d go to kiss his wife, boom, it was a Goose dressed in drag” said Golisano’s groundskeeper Horus Stoollittle.
Mr. Golisano will get a few months of peace as the Geese are now leaving for warmer weather but he fears that after spending time in the south, the Geese will come back angrier, more racist, and will a terrifying bath salts addiction.
Rochester, NY- Halloween time is upon us. The ghouls and goblins will roam about the streets looking for candy. Fake blood and skeletons litter people’s front yards. Yet, for one man, he could not tell if something was part of the season or something very serious. We spoke with this man to get his take on the situation.
” You know, I can’t say I live in a bad neighborhood, but at the end of the day, we live in Rochester and god only knows what happens in this city. I was walking down the street and I saw some of that yellow caution tape around the front of this house. At first, I thought it was cute and a nice little Halloween touch, but then this part of me just couldn’t help but wonder if something really awful happened there. This is Rochester and I assume about two to three stabbings/shootings happen in my neighbors hood on a weekly basis I guess either way it fits into the Halloween spirit! Stay spooky kids!”
Update: This man was later arrested for trying to feed local children acid. Stay spooky kids!
Rochester, NY – Rochester’s go-to party band ‘The Skycoasters’ are known for their high energy shows but their recent performance took it to a whole other level.
When the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation of Rochester booked the #Coasters they expected a fun party but their fundraiser quickly took a turn when the band took the stage.
“The night was fine, people were drinking and chatting, but when the Skycoasters went on it was like a gosh darn madhouse. It was like Prince and David Bowie came back to life and started playing at this thing. Everybody got dangerously horny” said organizer Gary Collsberth.
Only three songs into their set, the Skycoasters knew they had the audience in a trance, but they decided to take it to eleven with a ‘Sweet Caroline’ cover. During the “So Good, So Good” call-and-response portion of the song, the audience started to get distracted by some faint popping sounds coming from the dancefloor.
Evidently, the power of their rocking made every woman in the audience simultaneously regrow and break their hymens. Upon further inspection from their gynecologists after the show, 95% of women in the audience that night report being pregnant.