Henrietta, NY – The town of Henrietta is well known for being a hub of National chain stores and franchise restaurants. It’s an ever-changing landscape of businesses, many of which fail to leave an impression. However, one such establishment lives on in one man’s nightmares.

Kevin Strasenburgh, a 36-year-old Henrietta native, cannot go near the intersection of Jefferson and Clay Rd. without suffering a complete emotional breakdown. Although the hunting lodge-themed steakhouse closed in 2015, with Bar Louie taking over the building, the now demolished lot is a constant reminder of the trauma he experienced therein. Kevin was able to muster up the courage to tell The Innerloop Blog his story.

“It was sometime in the mid to late 90s. We entered the restaurant, which looked like a cabin. I sat down on the bench while my parents spoke to the hostess. It hadn’t been 2 minutes when the tree next to the bench opened its giant eyes and started talking to me. I was freaked out, to say the least. We were seated at a table in the middle of the room. I felt very uneasy as all around there were what looked like taxidermy animals and head trophies. It felt like I was being watched. I tried to concentrate on the menu, ignoring the geese and mounted deer heads surveying the room. The waiter brought me some Pogs, I suppose to calm me down, when a raccoon popped up out of a barrel. I was shaking in terror when a buffalo up on the wall started talking. I jumped up out of my seat and ran to the car.”

Kevin subsequently spent several months in psychiatric care following the ordeal. He has a prescription for anti-anxiety medication for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He noted that he still gets triggered by Tickle Me Elmo and Big Mouth Billy Bass. He maintains that the intersection will forever haunt his memory.

Irondequoit, NY – A sinkhole formed on St. Paul Boulevard this week and construction crews have been working diligently to repair the road. Today the workers were surprised when Rochester’s famous meat hot sauce started bubbling out of the ground from inside the crater.

“I was in there poking around with my shovel when all of a sudden I started smelling ground beef, chili powder, and cumin,” said Dexter Taylor of Irondequoit. “I yelled to the boys ‘This baby is gonna blow’ and we got out of there just in time.”

While Rochesterians are used to feeling hot sauce eruptions the day after eating a garbage plate, seeing the famous topping shooting out of the ground was quite a sight.

Geologist Mya Wallace says to expect more stories like these in the next few years. “Rochester sits on many deposits of meat hot sauce like this one. Because global warming is contributing to extreme weather events, we will be seeing more sinkholes like this forming, and more people accidentally tapping into these delicious deposits.”

The Innerloop Blog reached out to UDig NY, the phone number you’re supposed to call before breaking ground in your yard, and the service did admit that these wells of meaty goodness are a major concern. “A lot of people think we’re trying to save the public from digging into their home’s gas or power lines… really we just want to make sure no one gets blasted in the face by hot ground beef and lard.”

Rochester, NY – Local uncle and self-proclaimed Buffalo Bills superfan, Bob Thompson, found himself at his 8-year-old nephew’s football practice instead of basking in the glory of the training camp. Unable to secure tickets to the coveted practice sessions at St. John Fisher College, Thompson decided to drown his sorrows in a six-pack of his favorite beer right there on the sidelines.

Sporting his legendary tailgating apron, complete with sauce stains from games gone by, Thompson unleashed his uninhibited enthusiasm on the unsuspecting child athletes. The parents sitting near him originally thought his Interpretive dance moves, slurred motivational speeches, and off-key singing of Bills’ fight song were cute, but it quickly got sad.

“He kept on calling my son Josh,” said Tyler Heathenrow of Henrietta. “The worst part is my kid doesn’t even play quarterback.”

Thompson’s nephew, Timmy, who plays offensive lineman for the team, was seen desperately trying to disassociate himself from his overenthusiastic uncle. “I understand why Grandma and Grandpa told me he’s their least favorite,” Timmy muttered, clearly embarrassed.

Mr. Thompson says he plans to jump on Bills Training Camp tickets much sooner next year but he told us that as he was wetting himself so we find it tough to believe.

Webster, NY – Charlie Riedel’s Restaurant is a huge part of many Websterian diets and now it’s a huge reason why one of them could be going to heaven.

The restaurant just hosted its very first baby baptism this afternoon with the help of a local priest and one of Charlie’s famous pickle buckets. Amid the delightful aroma of sizzling burgers and the faint cries of confused customers, 3-month-old Thomas Aaron Leaven was dunked into the sweet pickles and declared “purified and sanctified with a side of fries!”

While most local religious leaders we spoke to were simply excited to have a story involving a child be published that wasn’t horrific, some did express concerns with the ceremony.

“I’m all for innovation, but there’s something a bit off about dunking a baby in a vat of pickles,” said Pastor Mabel Crispen of the First Congregational Church. “Baptism is a sacred tradition, and it deserves a bit more reverence than being pickled like a cucumber.”

If you’re interested in giving your newborn a brining of a lifetime, simply call or text anyone named Chuck, Charlie, Charles, Chip, or Chas. They will be able to set something up for you.

Penfield, NY – There’s a new restaurant in town and it’s all the east side is talking about. The Bar-Bill Tavern, a staple of Buffalo, just opened up a new location on Empire Boulevard in Penfield and if you want to know how good their food is, all you need to do is ask any of your friends that have been to a Bills game in the past few years.

Most of the Rochesterians that are overly excited about the new Bar-Bill share the same story. They either ate the wings while pregaming at a Buffalo Bills game or got them on the way home from the game. Either way, their BAC while eating said food averaged about .2 or above.

“I don’t remember much about the night I was there but I do remember those wings slap,” says the guy you hang out with that you didn’t invite to your wedding.

Rochester, NY – Locally based radio station WBZA has been playing on the airwaves since about 2007. In 2014, after the termination of The Kimberly and Beck morning show, The Buzz began playing a genre known as “adult hits. Their slogan was changed from “All Kinds of Rock” to “Playing Everything, All the Time.”

This prompts the question “What is ‘adult hits’?” Also known as “variety hits”, Wikipedia defines it as “…a radio format drawing from popular music from the late 1960s to the present. The format typically focuses on adult contemporary, pop, and rock hits from the 1970s through at least the 1990s”. While ’70s to ’90s seems like it would provide a wide selection of artists and songs, listeners have noticed a more than coincidental abundance of Phil Collins tracks. The Innerloop Blog decided this phenomenon warranted investigation.

We headed to WBZA’s broadcast station in High Falls. Despite heavy traffic and construction, ILB persisted against all odds. Security was resistant to strangers like me but after showing off some magic, the guard was left in a land of confusion. After discovering The Buzz office with a sign that read Stu-stu-studio, The Innerloop Blog was shocked to see that the office was empty, save a computer set to a Pandora station displaying “Phil Collins Radio” and a distressed Furby rigged into a phone jack and a car battery.

ILB was shocked this was broadcasting in the air tonight. It couldn’t go on for one more night. We tried to shut it down but the Furby was able to turn it on again. Our driver called, I had them take me home because I don’t care anymore. Nevertheless, 98.9 The Buzz has been exposed and we can all enjoy another day in paradise.

Greece, NY – The teddy bear that stole our hearts this week is now breaking them after it was discovered the stuffed animal has gone criminal.

You may have seen the photos of the teddy bear a local woman found abandoned on 104 in Greece and her campaign online to find its rightful owner. What you haven’t seen yet is the shocking update that after no one came forward, the abandoned teddy decided to take to the streets and turn to a life of crime to get by.

“It’s like the Rochester version of Corduroy,” said an RPD officer, “but instead of a lost button, this bear is on the hunt for his next big score.”

The once-huggable creature you saw online has now become a cunning bandit, honing its skills under the cloak of darkness. It used to be a source of comfort, but now its presence strikes fear into all children that cross its path.

According to arrest records sent to The Innerloop Blog by an anonymous source, the bear was caught last night joining in the trend of stealing Kias. Thanks to bail reform and a sympathetic judge who still sleeps with their childhood stuffed animal, the teddy is back out on the streets.

Rochester, NY – A shocking new study has found that if it weren’t for the hallowed tradition of the 7th inning stretch during Rochester Red Wings games, a majority of local citizens would never bother stretching at all. In fact, if the city’s minor-league baseball team did not exist, almost 95% of all Rochesterians would go from the last gym class of their senior year to the grave without stretching.

The study, aptly titled “Stretching: The Elusive Art of Movement in Rochester,” meticulously examined the stretching habits of the local population. Researchers were astounded to find local residents were only stretching out while “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” was playing in the background.

Dr. Al Fleximus, the lead researcher on the study, expressed his astonishment, saying, “We expected some degree of stretching apathy, but we never anticipated such a dramatic dependency on the 7th inning.”

The researchers were even more astounded to find zero people have participated in Wegmans micro stretch breaks in the past decade.