Rochester, NY – There’s a lot of folks walking around this town claiming to be a Brother Wease fan and real fans are getting sick of the posers.
“I have been listening to that mutha hucka on the radio since ’85 and there’s a lot of blowhards out there that have no idea who this man really is,” said Hank Williams from Penfield. A man we later confirmed has never heard of “podercasts.”
Here’s how Wease fans identify who is and who isn’t a real fan of the Rochester media staple. To get into their fan club that meets in a makeshift illegal casino in Gates where smoking is not only encouraged, but mandatory, you have to know Wease’s real name, every cohost he’s ever had that later said it was a nightmare working with him, and you have to know the details of his out of court settlements with female coworkers.
“If you think you can walk in here with a Tedeschi Trucks Band shirt and a Bubba Dubba Cheeseburger… you’re right!” said Williams. “We’re so lonely.”
Rochester, NY – Today is primary day in Rochester and as per Rochester tradition, citizens took to the polls to cast their ballots completely uninformed of who they were voting for.
“Other areas may elect their representatives based on facts or their positions on issues but Monroe County takes more of a spiritual approach,” says U of R political science major Martin Van Bluerger. “This is a ‘feel it out’ type of town.”
In fact, research shows that if a Rochesterian knows your name, it’s most likely a bad thing. Citizens of Monroe County only seem to be able to name their county legislators and elected judges after they have been caught committing some sort of crime. But it often takes about three to ten offenses for voters to feel motivated enough to get rid of them.
Rochester, NY – It’s with a huuuugely heavy heart that we share the news that former Rochester auto dealership owner Billy Fuccillo has died in his Florida home at 64 years old.
While funeral proceedings are currently unknown, The Innerloop Blog has been told by sources that his hearse will be a gorgeous, pre-owned 2016 Hyndau Elantra that only “had one previous owner who did not smoke.”
Experts are also predicting an huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge funeral procession filled with his past customers and employees.
Webster, NY – When Shelby Leighton rang up a young man at Home Depot, she assumed he was going to vandalize something because he was purchasing a bag of stone and spray paint. She couldn’t have been more wrong.
In a now-viral Facebook post, Shelby stated:
“I thought he was up to no good, so I asked him what he was doing, to which he replied “I’m on a mission.” I asked him what kind of mission, and he said “I’m going to repair the stone penis in the Bay Bridge garden that some jerks vandalized.” As he was walking away, I saw the back of his shirt. It said, “suck my penis, I’ll suck your ass.” To the parents of this young hero, you are doing a heck of a job.
Rochester, NY – We sat down with the Rochester Rhinos last two fans on a dreary side street near the former stadium to find out their thoughts on the team’s new owner.
“We are excited that a mediocre soccer star from the UK will help put this team back on the radar of middle class soccer parents in the suburbs.” One fan told the blog.
“I can’t wait to take my son to the Rhinos first game back so he can experience the feeling of mild disappointment when they lose!” The other fan said.
New York, NY – In a statement, Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that a special fireworks show was planned tonight to celebrate New York’s “just over 69%” vaccination rate.
When asked why the celebration wasn’t for the 70% milestone that was a long-time goal for adult vaccinations in the State of New York, the Governor made it clear that he wanted to make it a sex thing.
“Keep in mind, I’m the one that called all New Yorker’s ‘SLUTs,'” Cuomo said earlier today, “I just want to make Covid-19 one big sex joke.”
Greece, NY – A local woman is terrified to set up her second dose of the Covid 19 vaccine out of fear that it will lead to her having to endure an even longer life within the town of Greece.
” Considering how much I smoke and drink I figured I only had 20 maybe 30 more years tops but now it looks like I might have to actually start preparing for a long and healthy lifespan, thanks a lot Pfizer!” said the woman who refused to be named for fear of being identified as someone who willingly lives in Greece, NY.
Many in the town share the same concerns over the vaccine.
“What the hell am I supposed to do now? I’m 35 and don’t even have a 401k, I didn’t ask for this.” said a local man, who also refused to be named out of fear that his Trump supporting parents would no longer pay for his studio apartment on Dewey ave if they discovered he had been vaccinated.
The average lifespan of a Greece, NY millennial skyrocketed to over 50 for the first time in years as vaccine rates increased within the town. Some say that they might even live to see the Bills lose another Super Bowl.
Penfield, NY – At a Penfield Board of Education Meeting this past Tuesday, things got heated between a board member and parent. While some Penfield District officials are calling the behavior ‘unacceptable’ others are seeing dollar signs.
“The video of the exchange got thousands of views, we’ve got to cash in on those views,” one Penfield official who wanted to remain anonymous told the Inner Loop Blog.
“Listen we need to up the ante at the next meeting. It’s going to be held in a cage with barbed wire! You don’t agree that diversity awareness should be taught in schools, throw that board member through a table! Have issues with the school mask policy, hit ’em in the face with a steel chair! It’s going to be the event of the year!”
Greece, NY – According to construction plans sent to The Innerloop Blog, Greece is planning on expanding West Ridge Road until it has 37 lanes total. The idea is to fix traffic issues but the experts say the move won’t even make a dent.
City Planning expert Titus Ahvinew predicts that even with the expansion that residents will still be getting cut off just as much “if not more.”
Mr. Ahvinew says “You can change the roads but you can’t change people from Greece.”
Rochester, NY – Governor Cuomo recently announced a contest that could send vaccinated SUNY students to the college of their dreams.
“We know that for many of you, a SUNY school was not your first choice,” Cuomo told students, “that is why we want to give everyone who skipped their SAT because they were hungover a second chance.”
SUNY students were thrilled to learn they have a chance to transfer out of their “safety-school” just by getting vaccinated.
“This is a life changing opportunity for young New Yorkers to move out of state and never come back.” Cuomo told students. “Now, you can save lives while also saving your future.”