ROCHESTER, NY — We paid Subway Takes to film a video inside Rochester’s abandoned tunnels, and we genuinely do not know where the hell he is now. He was sent underground with a GoPro, a handheld microphone, and a list of discussion topics meant for whoever he encountered down there. Since then, all communication has stopped.

RPD officials insist there is no cause for concern, saying this sort of thing “happens all the time” when people attempt to monetize the city’s long-forgotten infrastructure. Police told The Innerloop Blog they regularly receive calls from graffiti artists about influencers wandering the tunnels.

The last audio we received from Subway Takes featured him asking someone, “what’s your take?” before a distant voice replied, “The demons in my head are too loud,” followed by Subway Takes confidently responding, “Hard disagree,” before the recording abruptly cut out.

BUFFALO, NY – A Buffalo Bills fan’s emotional farewell collage to the soon-to-be-replaced stadium has gone viral after his heartfelt tribute also accidentally documented a crime spree.

The nostalgic photo dump celebrates some of the fan’s best memories at The Ralph, also known as Highmark Stadium, also known as Daddy Josh’s Funtime Palace. Unfortunately, it also prominently features open containers, lewd sex acts, illegal drug use, enthusiastic property destruction, and at least one image that can only be described as extreme public urination.

The post has received thousands of likes from sentimental Bills fans, many of whom also spent the weekend sharing their own heartfelt collages that will now serve as convenient starter packs for stadium security investigations.

The fan has refused to delete the photos despite urgent pleas from friends, family, and his personal attorney. “My lawyer is a Dolphins fan, so legally I’m required not to respect anything he says,” the fan told The Innerloop Blog.

Rochester, N.Y. — After 43 years, Marketplace Mall in Henrietta is closing its doors. Though the mall’s attendance has dwindled significantly leading up to its closure, its final day of operation was attended by a record-shattering crowd of mall regulars.

Over 25,000 rodents gathered on a snowy December 31st to celebrate, reminisce, and share memories from Marketplace Mall’s extensive history.

“We’re gonna miss this place,” said Marc, a brown rat whose family has lived in the mall for over three decades. “There’s not a store here that I don’t have a memory of. I gave a 7-year-old Lyme disease at Sears in 1997.” When asked for further comment, Marc bit my hand and scurried off. Results from my Lyme disease tests are still being processed.

“It feels like yesterday I was giving birth in the Macy’s dumpster,” said Kathy, a black rat who has lived in the mall for 13 years. “Now I’ve got 67 children with another four on the way. It’s hard to believe they won’t get to see where they come from.”

Many of the rodents in attendance suggested they will be relocating to Victor Mall instead, some moving in with family already established there and some looking to plant new roots for them and their families.

ROCHESTER, NY — Local music fan Tyler McGowan has been commenting “Come to Rochester” under his favorite bands’ posts for as long as he can remember. While fully aware that, at best, Rochester attracts artists on weekday tour stops between bigger cities, McGowan continues to plead for international acts to visit.

“My hope is they see the five to eight likes I get on my comment and think about it,” McGowan told The Innerloop Blog. “Not like seriously, obviously. I know they’d never actually come, and honestly, I’d probably respect them less if they did.”

Friends say they’ve seen McGowan leave heartfelt pleas on posts from Beyoncé, Radiohead, and even Daft Punk, who haven’t toured in over a decade. “He’s mentioned Lilac Festival to artists that have headlined Coachella,” said one friend. “You have to admire his dedication and his complete, beautiful naivety.”

ROCHESTER, NY — A groundbreaking new study from the University of Rochester’s Department of What the Fuck Is Going On has confirmed what millions of Americans have suspected for years: there is absolutely no goddamn reason chicken wings should cost this much. Researchers say their findings were consistent across all test environments, including bars, takeout menus, and Wegmans — which continues to sell a prepared food item labeled as “wings” despite mounting evidence to the contrary.

The report noted that wing prices have somehow remained sky-high even after supply chain issues eased, suggesting a “deeply unholy alliance” between bar owners, poultry suppliers, and whatever demonic force runs DoorDash. The study also found that other cuts of chicken have not seen anywhere near the same price inflation, leading scientists to conclude that “somebody’s fucking lying.”

Economists predict prices will not drop until Americans are required to take Ozempic through RFK’s new “No Fatties” initiative which will be rolled out following the government shutdown.

ROCHESTER, NY — As the World Series gets underway, local man and Toronto Blue Jays infielder Ernie Clement has reportedly reminded Rochester residents that baseball is, in fact, still being played professionally. The revelation stunned many locals, who had assumed the sport had quietly ended sometime around the fall of 2016.

Clement’s appearance on the national stage briefly reignited civic pride, though most Rochesterians admitted they were unsure what exactly he does on the field. “I think he’s like Josh Allen but he gets to throw at people who are standing still?” said one fan, scrolling past the news while checking the Bills injury report. “Good for him though. It’s nice to see a local kid make it, even if it’s in a sport people only watch by accident.”

While baseball’s popularity remains in question, city officials say they’re proud of Clement’s success and have already scheduled a ceremony to honor him at that place where Bruce The Bat Dog works.

Joe’s Fright Farm – Innerloop Discount Something Sinister Has Taken Root

This October, Joe’s Farm transforms into a nightmare you won’t forget. Amidst the rustling leaves and crisp fall air, something sinister has taken root — and it’s waiting for you inside the haunted corn maze.

Dare to uncover the chilling mysteries that twist through every turn. But beware… you’re not alone out there.

Event Details:
Fridays & Saturdays in October
7:00 PM – 9:30 PM
650 White Rd, Brockport, NY

• The Haunted Corn Maze — where the shadows whisper.

• A quiet wagon ride through the dark edges of the farm.

• The Blackout 5-Acre Corn Maze — complete darkness, one flashlight, and your courage.

Exclusive Innerloop Discount:
Get your discounted tickets by CLICKING HERE

BUFFALO, NY —Following yet another gut-wrenching Bills loss, one local fan reportedly began watching full Sabres games “just to feel something worse.” Witnesses say the man, still wearing his Bills hoodie and emotional bruises, told friends he wanted to “put things in perspective” by watching a team that’s been rebuilding longer than most of its players have been alive.

Within minutes of tuning in, the plan worked perfectly. “Watching the Sabres fail to score goals was oddly soothing,” the fan said. “Sure, the Bills can’t move the ball, but at least Josh does something cool once in a while.” He described the experience as “like putting on emo music and just giving in to the sadness completely.” The sight of empty seats and half-hearted power plays reminded him that “things could always be sadder.”

The man says it’s working so well that he plans to purchase a Sabres season ticket package, as long as he can overlook the fact that both franchises are owned by the same person, and how that’s definitely not a concern at all.