Rochester, NY – Buffalo Bills fans woke up to some good news on Wednesday, as the team announced that they reached an agreement with star wide receiver Stefon Diggs. Sources have confirmed that the two sides agreed to a four-year, $104 million contract extension with $70 million guaranteed.
However, the Bills decided to retry something that worked before: asking New Yorkers to pick up part of the tab. The Bills reached an agreement with the State of New York to have $30 million of that money be publicly funded.
“This is a great day for the Bills and billionaires,” stated New York Governor Kathy Hocul. “It’s about time we gave back.”
Rochester, NY – Local Rochester Mobster charged with the killings of three people, Dominic Taddeo, escaped from prison for a period of time before eventually being captured trying desperately to order his first post-prison garbage plate.
“It was like a fly to honey, we knew where we’d find him” said the police chief, who had officers staked out at Hot’s joints across the city as soon as word got out about the escape.
The RPD is looking at filing additional charges against Taddeo for attempting to get a plate that was “all fries” with no onions on top.
Brockport, NY – After Vladamir Putin’s unprovoked invasion of Ukraine displaced millions and created an unprecedented refugee crisis in Europe, SUNY Brockport’s administration thought it was the perfect time for students to learn about Putin’s contributions to human rights across the globe.
“Putin has a long history of supporting human rights,” one administrator told the Blog, “from enslaving dissidents for a lifetime in the Gulag, to murdering defenseless civilians in the Ukraine.”
The talk took place virtually inside a large auditorium to avoid the hundreds of protestors outside. After the students were seated, Putin called in and he was displayed over a large projector screen.
He began the address by chugging half a bottle of premium Russian vodka and taking off his shirt. He then demanded all students begin singing the Russian national anthem. Soon after his broadcast was abruptly cut short.
Rochester, NY – Rochester man Garett Spagonian is fed up with the price of gasoline in this area. So much so that he’s committed to driving to every gas station in town with stickers of President Joe Biden that say “I Did That” so that everyone knows who is really to blame for this crisis.
And with temperatures being as low as they are, he’s made sure to run his car in the driveway for at least ten minutes before he takes his vandalism tour on the road.
Garett is among the many local idiots that have zero comprehension of how gas prices work. Despite being one Google search away from knowing that a sitting President can not control the short-term price of oil, he would prefer to blame the “demo-crooks” and “libtards” for ruining his bank account.
“I was so mad yesterday that I couldn’t even go inside after work,” said Spagonian. “I sat in my car and shot out at least 20 videos yelling ‘Let’s Go Branden’ to all my social feeds. I got a lot of good feedback but there were a lot of people complaining that they couldn’t hear my rants over the sound of my car heat on full blast.”
Rochester, NY – Local man Joshua Benson has checked himself into a psychiatric ward due to the rapid shifts in weather here in Rochester.
Mental health experts say Benson suffers from “climate dementia” where they assume because the sun is out one day that the Western New York winter is done. Eventually the shifting back-and-forth between summer and winter clothes becomes too confusing for their brain to process.
“I swear it was only a few days ago that I was concerned about getting a sunburn,” says Benson, “but today it I got frostbite?”
Dr Susan Danvonovich says the best thing for Rochesterians to prevent climate dementia is to keep their winter clothes out until July.
“To be safe I would also travel with a winter jacket and snow pens in your car at all times,” days Dr. Danvonovich. “You don’t want to be in a situation where you tell another person ‘I thought it was going to be a warm day and I forgot my jacket.’ That’s a one-way ticket to the nut House.”
Rochester, NY – This past week, Jazz Festival organizers announced the full lineup of musical acts, including headliner, Robin Thicke. The artist most famous for the 2013 hit, ‘Blurred Lines,’ according to a source close to him, ‘was extremely surprised by the booking.’
Jazz Fest organizers were surprised as well, saying that an intern put in charge of messaging prospective artists booked the wrong musician.
‘We are disappointed at this miscue and send out regards to Thickie Robinson, famous saxophonist, who we meant to book. Thickie is regarded as one of the most influential jazz musicians of all time and we hope to have him as part of the fest in the future’
Rochester, NY – Following the widespread relaxation of mask, social distancing, and vaccination mandates across New York State, the demonstrators outside Strong Hospital along Elmwood Avenue are calling for the re-introduction of pandemic mandates they can protest, report Inner Loop Blog correspondents in the area.
“Why are we out here, week after week, protesting nothing at all?” one organizer told our reporters at a recent demonstration. “The Governor needs to wake up and re-introduce these ridiculous mandates which, frankly, after she re-introduces them, need to be repealed immediately.”
In the meantime, however, the demonstrators show no signs of stopping, waving blank signs and chanting in idle, discordant waves about nothing in particular at least once per week.
When asked for comment, the City government responded to clarify that they do not set or abolish State-level mandates, but that they strongly recommend that all Rochester residents follow the opposite of whatever guidelines the protestors are calling for at any given time.
Rochester, NY – ‘I honestly forgot what it looked like, it’s been so long,’ Scott Adams of Fairport told the Inner Loop Blog. ‘My only thought was, I need to tell authorities and also to stop staring directly into it’
The 911 dispatch was flooded with similar calls all screaming about the same thing. The blog was able to catch up with exhausted dispatcher Jessica Watkins, following her shift.
‘It was crazy! I kept telling people, that’s the sun. And they kept saying, THE WHAT?! Honestly, I’m glad some of them called me because a few of them actually had to go to the hospital on account of them being blinded and shit. Makes sense since we only see it a few days a year.’
Rochester, NY – The saint Patrick’s Day parade made it’s return to downtown this weekend and it ended up seeing records.
Not in attendance or participation but for DWI tickets.
The holidays usually mean a step up in law enforcement in regards to people driving intoxicated but for the first time in parade history, the last stop for all floats was a sobriety check by RPD officers.
In total offices hit 57 drivers in the parade with tickets for driving drunk and according to one policeman, it could have been more.
“The only reason we stopped was because our breathalyzer exploded,” says Deputy Nick Telling.
Rochester, NY – This past weekend marked the return of the St Patrick’s Day parade downtown and also marked the time of the year we “spring forward” our clocks. Local sleep experts call this the “perfect storm” of throwing off our equilibrium.
“People we’re getting black out drunk and passing out for hours on parade day,” said Dr. Thornsborg of the Rochester Sleep Center. “Then their friends were carrying them to bed where they lost an hour of sleep to daylight savings.”
This phenomena is known as “alcoholic time traveling” and it is said to result in a 85% drop in work attendance the week that these two events combine.