Webster, NY – While former Prime Minister Theresa May was unsuccessful at separating the United Kingdom from the European Union, the councilmembers on the Webster Town Court believe she is the key to successfully negotiating Penfield out of their area code.
“We’re tired of those dirty Penfielders thinking that the Wegmans on Bay Road is theirs. It’s ours. We have two. Get over it,” said one Websterarian.
There has always been an unspoken tension between Webster and Penfield. Most especially when it comes to Empire Boulevard. By hiring Theresa May they are hoping to establish that all businesses on Irondequoit Bay up to MacGregor’s are actually Webster’s once and for all.
“It’s not like we want all of them dead. Just one as tribute obviously,” said some Webster women named Katie or Meghan or something whiter.
Rochester, NY – In a stunning turn of events today, the infamously mysterious and abandoned building that is known as “Kodak” is opening up for five lucky boys and girls. All we know right now is that five kids from Rochester found a golden film canister lying around the streets of Lake Ave.
This golden canister will be their ticket into the Kodak building where the presumed dead George Eastman will meet them at the front door wearing a bright purple suit and a fancy top hat. When asked if this was an attempt to imitate the Willy Wonka films we were told “there’s no candy, nothing is edible, and the only thing kids will take home is a disposable camera. And possibly cancer from the asbestos. But definitely a camera.
Sea Breeze, NY – Local bar, and Jimmy Buffet’s wet-dream, Marge’s Lakeside Inn has put out an official report from their Lake Ontario tracking system stating that waters are clear of Sharks but warn of nearby Cougars.
Not many know this but the second level of Marge’s is actually a full-on million dollar Lake Tracking Laboratory. They were able to fund the scientific equipment after just three weekends of charging extra for limes with the purchase of a Corona Bucket.
It is inside this laboratory that Marge herself keeps tabs on everything going on in the Great Lake. “Mainly it’s PTW (Pee-To-Water) Ratios and PTF (Pee-To-Fish) Ratios,” said Marge. However, the main thing the bar is concerned with tracking is the wild Cougars they release onto the beaches most during happy hours and weekends.
“They get into our liquor, get horny, and end up dry-humping a stranger on the beach. We blame global warming,” Marge told our The InnerLoop Blog reporter.
Rochester, NY – A deep carter is all that remains of Monroe County Executive Office after a showdown between Cheryl Dinolfo’s Hair and Record High Winds took place today.
Luckily The InnerLoop Blog was on the scene for the DragonBall-Z-like battle. Dinolfo had invited the press out to record and answer questions about an upcoming project when nearby wind gusts started to hit the area.
“It was as close to a tornado as we’re going to get in Western NY” said amateur storm chaser and local virgin Fred Halsen. Mr. Halsen was also on scene tracking the high-winds hoping to release some homemade “trackers” he fashioned out of soda cans like that scene from Twister.
“The wind was definitely ripping fast enough it could have torn the mailbox out of your yard. But I swear, her hair didn’t even budge!”
The wind hit Dinolfo’s hair and that amazing helmet stood strong like Superman taking a bullet. The entire press corps watched in amazement as Dinolfo continued her speech about the budget or some dumb shit completely unphased by the heavy gusts.
“We struggled to stay grounded. I had to hold onto a fire hydrant to stay but Cheryl didn’t move. It’s almost as it the aerodynamics of her head keep her locked into the ground like the wing of a Formula One car” said one Democrat & Chronicle Reporter.
When the fastest gust of wind hit Dinolfo’s head, a giant flash of light occurred, jarring all of us onlookers, but when came too, we saw Cheryl still unmoved, in the center of an Olympic swimming pool-sized carter.
Physicists will be studying this incident for years to come but believe that we have finally answered the question: “What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?”
ROCHESTER – Three suspects and one agent are dead after a shootout at the scene of a botched meth sting, when undercover Drug Enforcement Agency Kaplan Jeffers made the mistake of pronouncing the town “Chili” the way the rest of the goddamn country does.
“It was a bloodbath. I heard him say it through the wire, and then we heard nothing but screaming and gunfire “, said Supervisor Jackson, Agent Jeffers’ supervisor. “We had been over this for months. Why? Why did he have to slip up and pronounce things like a normal person at the drop?”
Agent Jeffers fortunately survived the chaos, but with a few serious injuries. He expressed remorse over his mistake: “Three years of dismantling a local cartel, down the drain. I had practiced the local lingo every day since on the case, and I messed up at the most clutch time. I even properly pronounced Greece the way everyone here does: ‘Rotting Dumpster Fire’!”
An investigation will be launched regarding the botched sting. Said Agent Jackson: “This is not the first time he’s messed up something by pronouncing it like a sane human being. His backstory was that he’s from Pulaski, NY, which they pronounce ‘poo-LASS-sky’, but he pronounced it ‘Pulaski”, like the rest of the goddamn civilized world, including the fucking Revolutionary soldier after which the town was named, and all of cock-slapping POLAND. And he keeps mispronouncing my first name.”
Supervisor Jackson ensured that his first name is quite simple to pronounce: “DEE-kuh-Moonch”, which he appropriately spells, “Dickmunch”.
PITTSFORD, NY – Pittsford Pub guests got the surprises of a lifetime after realizing blackout drunk man singing “free bird” to a waitress is golf legend and self haircut enthusiast John Daly and not just an East Rochester resident coming back from a trip to The Cheesecake Factory.
“It’s pretty cool to meet a celebrity, especially after thinking I was going to have to have him escorted out after he started funneling his own bottle of Fireball through a garden hose,” Pub owner Frampton St Hammershire said of the surprise encounter.
“John Daly? Wow that’s awesome I thought someone’s cousin who just got married at the Wendy’s on West Commercial street wandered in to bum a cigarette off of me” said fellow bar patron and bumble bee photographer Ellwyn Tubble.
Greece, NY. – In a combined effort to increase mobile sales and decrease quality of life in Western New York, the administration staff at Greece Ridge Mall has agreed to halt all mall property and retail rights to the upcoming cellular market distributor MetroPCS.
The mall stores will be closed and all employee staff will be released with inalienable rights. Any store personnel that was being held prisoner by mall security will have both their handcuffs freed and contracts for employment nullified. Some store management and keyholders haven’t left the plaza grounds since early 2014, 5 years after being sucked into the “College Alternative Career Style” or “I won’t shoplift where I work” lifestyles provided by the mall.
The agreement details concluded in a lucrative outcome for the mall employees including an Individual Freedoms Clause. Due to this agreement, all prisoners and staff that have been chained to the mall stores will be released.