Rochester, N.Y. — After 43 years, Marketplace Mall in Henrietta is closing its doors. Though the mall’s attendance has dwindled significantly leading up to its closure, its final day of operation was attended by a record-shattering crowd of mall regulars.

Over 25,000 rodents gathered on a snowy December 31st to celebrate, reminisce, and share memories from Marketplace Mall’s extensive history.

“We’re gonna miss this place,” said Marc, a brown rat whose family has lived in the mall for over three decades. “There’s not a store here that I don’t have a memory of. I gave a 7-year-old Lyme disease at Sears in 1997.” When asked for further comment, Marc bit my hand and scurried off. Results from my Lyme disease tests are still being processed.

“It feels like yesterday I was giving birth in the Macy’s dumpster,” said Kathy, a black rat who has lived in the mall for 13 years. “Now I’ve got 67 children with another four on the way. It’s hard to believe they won’t get to see where they come from.”

Many of the rodents in attendance suggested they will be relocating to Victor Mall instead, some moving in with family already established there and some looking to plant new roots for them and their families.

ROCHESTER – RG&E has struck a deal with Mt. Hope Cemetery, allowing the energy company to harness rotational energy from Susan B. Anthony’s corpse rolling in her grave. Anthony, a historic pioneer in women’s rights and mouthpiece for women’s suffrage, has been interned at Mt. Hope Cemetery since her death on March 13, 1906. The spinning reportedly began in the early hours of November 6th following CNN’s reporting on the 2024 presidential election results.

“I was doing my rounds around 5am when I heard a grinding noise that sounded like the wheels of progress coming to a screeching halt,” said Mt. Hope Cemetery groundskeeper Dirt Schlap. “Turns out it was just that mouthy broad spinnin’ in her grave.”

Anthony’s grave, located amongst her sisters’ and parents’, has traditionally been adorned with “I Voted” stickers surrounding prominent elections, though this tradition has waned in recent years as women have increasingly fewer votes to celebrate. Following Schlap’s discovery, RG&E swiftly moved to strike a deal to harness this seemingly ceaseless source of energy.

“Simply put, we hooked her body up to a rotor and transferred that rotational energy into useful, electric energy,” explained a representative from RG&E. “Essentially, the less power women have, the more power we have.” Anthony’s corpse is expected to generate enough energy to power the greater Rochester metro for the next 4 years, though could extend even further depending on how bad things get, politically speaking.

MONROE COUNTY, NY — In preparation for an oncoming heatwave sweeping through Upstate New York early this week, the National Weather Service has issued a Shirtless Dad Advisory for the city of Rochester. With daily highs reaching the mid-90s through later this week, the NWS warns that Rochesterians are at an especially increased risk of accidentally catching a glimpse of their 67-year-old fathers shirtless, their untrimmed backs glistening with sweat and dotted with budding melanomas.

Sightings of shirtless dads have been reported washing cars and mowing lawns, often engaging in uncomfortably long and inescapable conversations about football with those unfortunate enough to be caught in their path. While these sightings may seem unserious, the NWS warns that these dads were raised in a time when wearing sunscreen made you gay.

“It’s important that when folks hear of a Shirtless Dad Advisory, they’re not picturing a dad like John Stamos in Full House, but rather a dad more like Dave Coulier in Full House,” warns National Weather Service representative Katie Shaw. “These situations can turn serious extremely fast. My dad has a birthmark that looks like a dick and balls above his right nipple, which is not something I- or anyone- should have to know about their father.”

The NWS advises those sensitive to shirtless dad sightings to seek shelter whenever possible and for those looking forward to the idea of spotting shirtless dads to seek professional help immediately.

ROCHESTER, NY — After finding a dead body in the Highland Park Reservoir, Rochester city officials warn residents across the city to boil their tap water before consuming to remove contaminants.

In a sample taken from tap water across Rochester, traces of contaminants originating from the dead body ranked third amongst total water pollutants.

“Third?” asks John Thane, Brighton resident, noted water-drinker. “How can it be third? What are in first and second?”

Despite similar questions from various concerned citizens, Rochester officials have yet to make a definitive statement.

“We understand the concerns of folks across the city,” says city representative Chuck Rowley. “Let’s just say the other contaminants won’t be so easily boiled out. These pollutants are actually a fundamental part of the water, and more so, of Rochester itself.” Rowley refused to elaborate, instead offering this vague and ominous statement: “Let’s just say it would be like separating the blue from the sky- like removing the fire from the sun. Those contaminants aren’t going anywhere, and if we’re being honest, they will far outlive us all.”

The body has been removed from the reservoir and is being examined for signs of foul play. The city advises residents to boil their water until further notice, or until you can no longer smell the stench of death coming from your Kool-Aid.

UPSTATE NEW YORK — As a heat wave tears through counties across Upstate New York, Monroe County residents are taking advantage of the warm weather to enjoy some of their favorite activities, even if that activity is nothing at all.

With high temperatures in the upper-50s, now is the perfect time to get outside and enjoy the warmer weather. But that won’t stop Rochesterians from partaking in some favorite pastimes, such as drinking beer inside and hate-watching the Super Bowl. “I didn’t even realize how warm it was outside,” says Webster man who hasn’t stepped foot outside in 3 days. “I guess I should probably go for a walk or something. I mean, I’m not gonna. But I should.”

However, some residents are enjoying the warmer weather, such as Jenny Blevins. “I love when we get clear skies and higher temperatures,” says Blevins. “It makes me feel way better about having food delivered knowing the dasher doesn’t have to drive through the snow.” When asked if she would be taking part in any outdoor activities, Blevins responded “does walking to my car to grab my vape count?”

“Now is the perfect time to get outside and spend some time with your loved ones, exercise, and break out those t-shirts and shorts,” says Monroe Parks Director Anne Stanton. “Actually, I guess you could do all of those things inside, too. And then you don’t even have to put on underwear.”

Temperatures are expected to return to the low and mid-30s by Tuesday, meaning you won’t have to feel bad about staying inside anymore.

ROCHESTER, NY – Following the historic success of Greta Gerwig’s 2023 Summer blockbuster “Barbie,” The Strong National Museum of Play has announced the incoming arrival of their newest Barbie-themed exhibit.

The exhibit, titled “You Can Be Anything,” catalogs Barbie’s storied history of female empowerment via the many faces and professions Barbie has assumed- from Skinny Doctor to Skinny President.

Mattel’s Barbie dolls, which hit the market in 1959, have long served as the face of the feminist movement. At a time of female underrepresentation, Barbie dared to tell girls across America to dream- but not look- big. For the first time, they didn’t have to settle for being a stay-at-home mom. They could be a Skinny stay-at-home mom.

“We’re hoping the message of this exhibit touches the hearts and waists of girls from across the upstate New York region,” said Strong representative Todd Matterson. “Barbie is an icon of what women can do through hard work, determination, and liposuction.”

Despite her near-global acclaim, Barbie continues to draw criticism from some feminist thinkers, such as Deborah Hunt. “Barbie doesn’t represent the average American woman. The average woman has curves and a belly and doesn’t exist purely for the male gaze,” says Hunt. “Christ, she’s shrill,” replied Matterson in a statement. “Maybe she could try smiling more?”

The exhibit will run from January 20th to May 12th, so put the burger down and get to the museum before it’s gone!

Rochester, NY – After a string of recent drug-related hospitalizations, Rochester Police have released a statement addressing the public’s concerns.

“After testing numerous collected samples, we feel we can decisively say that there are currently drugs tainted with Panera’s new Charged Lemonade caffeinated beverages on the streets of Rochester,” says police spokeswoman Brenda Haus.

“I didn’t think it was such a big deal,” says James Brewer, a victim of tainted cocaine. “I was just a normal guy enjoying my weekly bump. But as soon as I took it, I knew something was wrong.”

Reports claim Brewer suspected something was amiss when instead of snorting his cocaine off his house key like usual, he found himself slurping it out of a 30oz Panera Charged Lemonade Cup. “It could happen to anyone. Especially if they’re a part of Panera’s Unlimited Sip Club, available in-store or through the mobile app for only $11.99 a month or $119.99 annually.”

The Innerloop Blog would like to clarify that Brewer may have been paid to make this statement.

“Stay safe out there,” says Haus. “Stick to safer substances such as marijuana and cold brew or sugar-free Red Bull and Adderall.” When asked about the safety of Monster Energy Drinks, she clarified “The original recipe should be fine. Personally, I wouldn’t trust the Java Monster. Not because it’s likely to be tainted, but because who wants to drink coffee-flavored Monster? Just get a coffee.”