ROCHESTER, NY — After finding a dead body in the Highland Park Reservoir, Rochester city officials warn residents across the city to boil their tap water before consuming to remove contaminants.

In a sample taken from tap water across Rochester, traces of contaminants originating from the dead body ranked third amongst total water pollutants.

“Third?” asks John Thane, Brighton resident, noted water-drinker. “How can it be third? What are in first and second?”

Despite similar questions from various concerned citizens, Rochester officials have yet to make a definitive statement.

“We understand the concerns of folks across the city,” says city representative Chuck Rowley. “Let’s just say the other contaminants won’t be so easily boiled out. These pollutants are actually a fundamental part of the water, and more so, of Rochester itself.” Rowley refused to elaborate, instead offering this vague and ominous statement: “Let’s just say it would be like separating the blue from the sky- like removing the fire from the sun. Those contaminants aren’t going anywhere, and if we’re being honest, they will far outlive us all.”

The body has been removed from the reservoir and is being examined for signs of foul play. The city advises residents to boil their water until further notice, or until you can no longer smell the stench of death coming from your Kool-Aid.