ROCHESTER, NY – The bodycam footage of Monroe County District Attorney Sandra Doorley failing to stop for a speeding ticket has become national news and now there is set to be a probe into the incident by New York’s Attorney General Letitia James. Doorley is now in defense mode trying to save face and she’s doing it by tugging on the heartstrings of the Bills Mafia.

You may have seen her public statement on the matter saying “no one is above the law” but a source for The Innerloop Blog tells us she plans to release an edited statement claiming that she was merely paying homage to former NFL star OJ Simpson.

“I have always been a staunch admirer of Mr. Simpson’s work, both on and off the field,” Doorley’s revised statement states. “When I saw those flashing lights behind me, I couldn’t help but think of OJ’s infamous Bronco chase. It was a moment of solidarity with a fellow trailblazer in the legal arena.”

In related news, it was also announced the 2024 Webster Firemen’s Carnival parade will start with a reenactment of the DA’s slow-speed pursuit to her home. The crowd will be encouraged to take out their phones and call a special number during this portion of the event to win prizes including Kohl’s Cash and special considerations for future run-ins with the Webster Police Department.

ROCHESTER, NY – After a deceased body was exhumed from the palatial waters of Highland Park and a boil water decree was announced by the MCWA (that’s the place they treat the normally piss-infused water for the layman), a lot of locals from unaffected suburbs have chimed in with their concerns.

“This is just another reason to never go anywhere in the city, one minute you’re drinking the dead guy’s water the next you’re getting stabbed by a homeless man who you’re trying to scold for sitting peacefully in a public park,” said Pittsford resident and mom to two horrible children, Tiffany Amber Shambler.

“I personally would never drink the water from the city since it’s not bottled by the Coca-Cola company and the mayor continually advocates for mandatory fentanyl injections for kindergartners if you’re white. It’s true. I read it on a Nextdoor post!” Shambler continued until she was run over by a train

Rochester, NY — Dogs are finally taking a one-legged stand outside of Dogtown, demanding what they believe is their fair share of profits from Rochester’s favorite garbage plate establishment.

After years of silence, Rochester dogs are now protesting Dogtown for “infringement of rights of publicity.” The International Trademark Association defines the right of publicity as, “an intellectual property right that protects against the misappropriation of an individual’s name, likeness, or other indicia of personal identity—such as nickname, pseudonym, voice, signature, likeness, or photograph—for commercial benefit.”

“And that’s exactly what these dogs are fighting for,” says Britta Fossie, a self-proclaimed animal rights activist who has volunteered to be the official spokesperson for the dogs.

Dogtown is one of the most well-known garbage plate spots in Rochester, and the dogs want their cut, says Fossie.

“The fact that the word ‘dog’ is associated with the term ‘garbage plate’, and no one thought to ask [the dogs] how they felt about this… It’s insulting,” says Fossie. “How would people like it if dogs ran a profitable business called ‘People-topia’ and sold specialty dishes called ‘Feces Platter’? People would definitely demand a cut.”

Rochester dog owners have noticed that their four-legged friends consistently stop in front of Dogtown on their afternoon walks to mark their territory — and not in typical fire hydrant, pole, or tree fashion.

“I started noticing it five weeks ago,” says local dog owner, Brendan Barkfard. “A look of defiance came over Fru Fru’s face as she did it.”

So why are dogs suddenly taking a stand now?

“We suspect it has something to do with the influx of mailman and Prime delivery customers,” says an anonymous Dogtown employee. “There’s a bitter history there.”

“He growls every time we walk by,” says Clara Clifford, proud owner of Chuck the Chihuahua. “And the day he saw a mailman go in there… he just lost it.”

When asked for a quote, the dogs declined — other than to say it’s been “rough.”

Until their demands are met, a group of 35+ dogs intends to stand outside Dogtown in formal protest every Sunday, when the most foot traffic comes in after mass at Blessed Sacrament Church across the street. Owners will be on standby with their blue bags.

Buffalo, NY – Taylor Swift arrived in Buffalo this Sunday to support boyfriend and Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce for the AFC divisional playoffs game. After a very intense game, the Chiefs were able to defeat the Bills after a missed field goal by kicker Tyler Bass. With the game won, Taylor and company were free to explore the city of Buffalo to celebrate.

In 2022, Taylor Swift released her album Midnights, wherein her music expressed the difficulties she had been having with mental health. Songs such as “Anti-hero” and “Lavender Haze” explore issues such as depression, anxiety, and other conditions.

As we western New Yorkers know, a night out in Buffalo is not without its traumas. Between crazed Carhartt-clad Bills fans and the Winter weather, one can only imagine the horrors the Billionaire pop star experienced. What we do know is that her one night in the Nickel City has inspired a whole three albums’ worth of songs. Seems like we will have to wait for Taylor’s Version of what happened.

BUFFALO, NY — As the Chiefs travel to Western New York ahead o their much anticipated game against the Buffalo Bills, the National Weather Service has issued a Whites-Out Warning for the city of Buffalo as Taylor Swift fans flock to Highmark Stadium.

Swift, internationally renowned music star and girlfriend of Chiefs’ tight end, has made appearances at many of the Chief’s games this season, attracting both fervent media attention and hazardous conditions amidst flurries of white fans of all ages.

One fan, Dan Charles, shared his story from the Chiefs-Patriots game last December. “I couldn’t see a thing, it was like a wall of white. I slipped in a puddle of some 14-year-old girl’s tears, and before I knew it, I was on the ground.”

This isn’t the first time Swift’s presence has ushered in treacherous conditions. Whites-Out were reported amidst her appearances at Chiefs games in Denver, Cincinnati, and even Los Angeles, giving a much more sinister meaning to Swift’s “Snow on the Beach.”

Even the most “Fearless” Buffalonians know “All Too Well” how “Treacherous” these Whites-Out can be, and the NWS is imploring travelers to “Stay Stay Stay” indoors until storm system Taylor has cleared from the area.

Buffalo, NY – In a surprise move, officials overseeing construction of the new Bills stadium have announced a sought-after addition to the design.

“We have seen your requests and comments on the new stadium and we have heard you,” an official said, “that is why we are happy to announce that we will be adding massive snow machines to the new stadium”

The officials then presented a detailed drawing of the stadium that showed a proposed retractable roof being replaced with four giant snow machines.

“We know this is just what the Bills fan base in Buffalo and across New York wanted,” The official said, “ungodly amounts of snow is an important part of the Bills experience and we want to make sure we correctly reflect that in the stadium design.”

Rochester, NY – Residents awoke confused but not necessarily surprised to find that the headquarters of the Democrat & Chronicle had been locked behind a giant paywall.

Curiosity got the best of some that approached the wall. One man was immediately electrocuted after reaching out and touching it.

“As he was writhing on the ground he kept screaming, ‘get unlimited access with a subscription’ over and over again!” One witness told the blog.

Others approached a large gate attached to the wall and were greeted by a haunting otherworldly voice commanding them to subscribe to the essential digital plan to gain entry or suffer the consequences.

As the scared onlookers backed away, the gates swung open and giant robot sentries exited from behind the wall.

The panicked crowd began running in terror as the robots began targeting them with giant rolled up newspapers all while demanding they pay the subscription fee.

Buffalo, NY – Ecstatic over the recent win, Sean McDermott took to the Bills locker room in celebration.

“I want you all to look me in the eye when I say this,” McDermott told the team “You all performed like the Enola Gay, flying over the City of Hiroshima, dropping a bomb of unprecedented horror and devastation.”

Some players glanced at each other uncomfortably before McDermott continued.

“There has never been a more destructive and terrifying group of individuals since the Horde of Genghis Khan roamed the plains of Asia.”

Bills players began to get up and leave as McDermott continued.

“Wait! Wait! I haven’t even told you all how you compare to the Irish Potato Famine of the 19th century!” McDermott yelled.

Rochester, NY – RG&E executives hosted a press conference to promote their new smart meter installation initiative.

“RG&E is dedicated to meeting the energy needs of our customers and giving them the best value for their electricity use,” the spokesperson told the Blog, “that is why our new smart meters will make sure you pay not just for the electricity you use in Rochester, NY but Rochester, MN as well.”

The smart meter is not designed to save you money, it is designed to make sure you pay as much as possible by incorporating the electricity use of every Rochester that exists.

“Now it is Rochester, MN but next will be Rochester, New Hampshire, then Rochester, Illinois… Texas… Canada… the UK… and soon, you will be paying for electricity use from every Rochester across the entire world!” The executive laughed maniacally until he was pulled away by his staff.

Rochester, NY – Two Friends with Money Brewing is the latest craft brewery to open its doors in a suburb of Rochester.

They will have many familiar drafts on tap including an IPA with a name alluding to some familiar Rochester stereotypes.

“We can’t wait for our friends and neighbors to taste our unique blend of beers including our “Genesee River Reference Lager” and “Another Bitter But Acceptable IPA.” One of the owners told The Innerloop Blog.

Two Friends with Money Brewing hopes their new brewpub will really toe the line and follow suit with all the other established ones in the area.

“We are looking forward to doing nothing new or unique with our brewery,” the owner said, “we just want to serve our mediocre beer and $15 pub pretzels with pride to the community!”