Rochester, NY – After a series of scandals rocked Rochester’s newly established Police Accountability Board (PAB), the Mayor decided something had to be done.
“I’m here today to announce the creation of an accountability board to police Rochester’s Police Accountability Board.” The mayor said at an impromptu press conference. “Never could I have imagined that giving a group of random people, power to act independently, without proper oversight, would lead to such corruption and scandal.”
The actions come after an investigation into the PAB found that tax payer money was being spent on lavish Zoom meetings and GrubHug deliveries.
“This is only the beginning of a broader initiative to create accountability boards for every facet of our inefficient and corrupt government structure.” The mayor said, “Soon, accountability boards for accountability boards will be established to hold accountability boards accountable for their inability to hold anyone accountable…” the Mayor rambled on repeating “accountability” over and over again until he was eventually dragged off stage.
Irondequoit, NY – The Irondequoit Oktoberfest was canceled in 2020 due to the pandemic and has not made its return to Camp Eastman since.
According to an Innerloop survey, the top three things that Irondequoitians miss the most about the giant tent party are:
(3) Strudel (2) The smells of the nearby wastewater treatment facility (1) The sweaty polka band that knows two songs
We reached out to the Oktoberfest bands to see what they’ve been up to in the now two-year hiatus and they shared some very exciting news with us.
First, their cardiologists are quite pleased with what the break from schnitzel and dark beer has done for their heart health. Second, they’ve been using this time off to practice their craft and are nearly done learning a third song.
“We just want fans to know we’re still going to play the ziggy zoggy oi oi oi song 50 times in one night if Oktoberfest ever comes back,” said the band’s tuba player.
No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to figure out how my doctor has gotten so many pictures of me crying for this “Rorschach Test” he keeps giving me. Every time i’ve tried to complain he keeps telling me I should be “committed” but I feel like I’ve been pretty committed to getting to the bottom of this mystery so I don’t really know what he’s talking about. The guys got hundreds of these pictures, he’s even got pictures of my Uncle Jerry who used to wrestle with me all time (naked wrestling too, just like the romans!)
If anyone has any information about this please reach out to me, I was gonna drop it, but he’s started showing me pictures of me having sex with my mom and that crosses the line!
ROCHESTER, NY – KodakCoin, Kashminers, Blockchain, Cryptocurrency, are just a few of the words being thrown around Rochester this week after one of the cities namesake companies announced they were creating their own bitcoin.
“I have no idea what bitcoin is but I heard it gets you rich, so I am going all-in,” said Bob Lewis, a former Kodak employee who was laid-off in the late 90s.
Mr. Lewis is just one of the many former Kodak employees hoping to cash in on the film companies announcement that has made their stocks nearly triple.
“When they laid me off, I lost everything, but there is no way this can happen again right? They say lightning doesn’t strike twice so there’s no way bankruptcy can strike twice too right!” said the laid-off Kodak worker. He’s planning to remortgage his house to pay for the rental fees required to use the Kodak Kashminer to mine Kodakcoin.
A decision that is both confusing and in no way will ever actually work.
We asked our youngest Innerloop employee what the f*** bitcoin is, and how it works, and she told us “please stop assuming because I am young that I understand any new technology thing.”
Rochester,NY-People around the country are excited to experience a rare opportunity to read headlines about people going blind from looking at the solar eclipse.
“Usually when someone goes blind, it’s for a really boring reason! I told my kids to really soak it in and remember where they were when they first heard news of someone going blind from looking at the eclipse, they won’t get a chance to see it again for decades!”
Said Tammy Johnson, mother of four, as she put on the paper glasses that protect you from going blind that you can literally get for free at the library.
It goes without saying that we are all looking forward to this incredible chance to witness human stupidity in all its glory.
Rochester, NY – This past week, British graffiti artist known as “Banksy” debuted new artwork, which is being described as “visual poetry,” alongside the traffic wall on 490 eastbound heading into the city. Townsfolk, city officials, and even local law enforcement are amazed by the heartwarming message and spray quality. Despite the rejoicing, local graffiti artists are petitioning to have the art be removed post haste.
I have spent my whole life here in Rochester putting up my sub-par mushroom art. We don’t need someone like that coming in spraying up our turf. Fran Larceny [Hair Stylist-Alchemist]
I don’t know who this dude thinks he is but he doesn’t have the right to come to my Flower City and put up his bullshit. I’ve worked too long and hard to let this city know I don’t drink or do drugs. Straight-edge Sledge Peterson [Guitar pedal repairman]
Banksy was in town for an annual graffiti conference at the Rochester Riverside Convention Center that took place over this past weekend. Many artists were outside the center protesting and the situation has gotten so serious that protesters are suggesting Mr. Banksy be extradited immediately.
Strumpet boy better make his way back to the UK. Letting the world know that Eric is gay and Christina is a whore is the only message that needs to be displayed here. Rian Bruwski [recently single Rochester native]
Despite the limited criticism of the magnanimous mural, random acts of kindness have been reported all throughout the city within days after the art debuted. Many city residents believe the mural is opening eyes to current inequalities and causing a contagious human harmony, similar to the music of the fictional band Wyld Stallyns in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure (1989).
I don’t really see what’s so special about it. It’s just a boring picture, in my opinion. I mean I could be biased, I believe in showcasing strange lines and shapes that are supposed to be interpreted as letters. Like cursive but worse and more useless. Kwivver[????]
The protesters currently are still occupying the general area of the convention and have refused to move until the mural is pressure washed from existence. Local businesses are becoming concerned with the pungent body odor in the air and the tiny shanties beginning to emerge.