Rochester, NY – Local news anchor Don Alhart has announced his retirement and no one is taking the news harder than local murderers. The Innerloop Blog has had a flood of messages from some of Rochester’s most wanted criminals with their disappointment in hearing the news of Alhart’s departure from the broadcasting world.
“I mean, what’s the point if Don Alhart won’t be there to report it?” lamented one man who has decided to put off the homicide he has meticulously been planning for months. “Without Don’s soothing voice narrating the chaos, it just feels… lacking, you know?”
We have reached out to Alhart for comment but are having trouble reaching him by his preferred method of having a man on horseback carry a handwritten, wax-sealed letter to his home. Don was an early adopter of the Pony Express and has had a subscription to the delivery service since the late 1800s.