Rochester, NY – Local Rochester Mobster charged with the killings of three people, Dominic Taddeo, escaped from prison for a period of time before eventually being captured trying desperately to order his first post-prison garbage plate.
“It was like a fly to honey, we knew where we’d find him” said the police chief, who had officers staked out at Hot’s joints across the city as soon as word got out about the escape.
The RPD is looking at filing additional charges against Taddeo for attempting to get a plate that was “all fries” with no onions on top.
Rochester, NY – This past week, Jazz Festival organizers announced the full lineup of musical acts, including headliner, Robin Thicke. The artist most famous for the 2013 hit, ‘Blurred Lines,’ according to a source close to him, ‘was extremely surprised by the booking.’
Jazz Fest organizers were surprised as well, saying that an intern put in charge of messaging prospective artists booked the wrong musician.
‘We are disappointed at this miscue and send out regards to Thickie Robinson, famous saxophonist, who we meant to book. Thickie is regarded as one of the most influential jazz musicians of all time and we hope to have him as part of the fest in the future’
Rochester, NY – Following the widespread relaxation of mask, social distancing, and vaccination mandates across New York State, the demonstrators outside Strong Hospital along Elmwood Avenue are calling for the re-introduction of pandemic mandates they can protest, report Inner Loop Blog correspondents in the area.
“Why are we out here, week after week, protesting nothing at all?” one organizer told our reporters at a recent demonstration. “The Governor needs to wake up and re-introduce these ridiculous mandates which, frankly, after she re-introduces them, need to be repealed immediately.”
In the meantime, however, the demonstrators show no signs of stopping, waving blank signs and chanting in idle, discordant waves about nothing in particular at least once per week.
When asked for comment, the City government responded to clarify that they do not set or abolish State-level mandates, but that they strongly recommend that all Rochester residents follow the opposite of whatever guidelines the protestors are calling for at any given time.
Rochester, NY – ‘I honestly forgot what it looked like, it’s been so long,’ Scott Adams of Fairport told the Inner Loop Blog. ‘My only thought was, I need to tell authorities and also to stop staring directly into it’
The 911 dispatch was flooded with similar calls all screaming about the same thing. The blog was able to catch up with exhausted dispatcher Jessica Watkins, following her shift.
‘It was crazy! I kept telling people, that’s the sun. And they kept saying, THE WHAT?! Honestly, I’m glad some of them called me because a few of them actually had to go to the hospital on account of them being blinded and shit. Makes sense since we only see it a few days a year.’
ROCHESTER, NY – As Rochesterians prepare for the warm weather of spring to melt away the piles of snow littering the city Monroe County officials are suggesting that citizens take precautionary measures to combat the flooding that will ensue by suggesting that all residents lay a thick layer of potato home fries along the base of their basements to help soak up the excess water that might build up.
“As most Rochester residents know, nothing soaks up unwanted liquid like a heaping serving of home fries.”
Officials have warned against some residents who are insistent on filling their basements with half home fries and half-baked beans.
“Beans? That’s just ludicrous. I mean a nice serving of mac salad? Sure. A drizzling of ketchup and chopped onions for good measure? Of course, it can’t hurt, but we draw the line at beans and we will not be taking any more questions on the matter.”
said Mayor Evans, who we are told is looking into whether or not he can use the powers of his office to institute a state of emergency against baked bean supporters to make it legal for RPD to imprison them on sight.
Local conservative talk radio host Bob Lonsberry is currently preparing to host a new panel-format comedy radio show called “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell HR!”, sources inside WHAM confirmed this week.
While Lonsberry’s show will draw its basic quiz format from its sister show, “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!” on WBEZ, leaked internal documents reveal that WWDTHR will feature its own unique segments, such as “Gaslight the Listener” and “Lightning Fill-in-the-Divorce-Paperwork”.
Panelists will reportedly be eliminated from each game by being officially terminated by WHAM for the extensive use of sexist, racist, and/or homophobic sentiments necessary to answer the show’s questions correctly. In an effort to preserve the show’s cast, WHAM has confirmed that all terminated WWDTHR panelists will be re-hired prior to each week’s episode, conditional on the completion of mandatory weekly sensitivity training, or at least a solid attempt at its completion, like opening the webpage at some point.
At press time, sources inside WHAM also confirmed that Bob Lonsberry would be the first to be eliminated from the show’s debut episode for making an untoward pun using special guest Paula Poundstone’s last name.
Rochester, NY – Everyone knows that AltBar produces events for sober people, sober-curious people, athletes, and douchebags who think they’re better than you, but what about eligible bachelors who are tired of talking to drunk women at bars? The answer is, “absolutely.” We went to an AltBar event at an undisclosed location where we caught up with one of these grade A studs.
“Drunk chicks ramble on and on about bullshit, bro, it’s like “We gonna f*ck, or nah?”” Colby Rogers told an Innerloop reporter. “They can’t hold their booze and just talk about bullsh*t like climate change. I’m done with drunk chicks. So tonight I decided to shotgun ten beers at home and meet some sober babes here… You have a Marb Light, bro? Or a garbage plate?”
Later that night, Rogers was kicked out of the event for trying to sneak a piss under the bar. The Innerloop has not received word about whether or not he smashed.
Rochester, NY – The telecommunications company formerly known as Spectrum rebranded itself on Monday, in an effort to compete with Tom Golisano’s “Greenlight” company for control over the Rochester fiber internet market. Now known as “Gaslight”, the internet giant will reportedly be offering fiber optic internet service to nearly twelve households in Monroe County.
“We’re passionate about bringing affordable, high-speed internet to the community,” a spokesperson from Gaslight said at a press conference. “While some have criticized our service as spotty or sluggish, we think they’re just absolutely crazy. They should have their reaction times checked out at a doctor. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with our network.”
While some Rochester residents welcome the competition, others are worried that Spectrum’s inconsistent pricing and predatory sales tactics will remain in Gaslight’s business repertoire. At press time, however, Gaslight dismissed these concerns as “the ramblings of the truly deranged.”
Rochester, NY – This past week, a local gym chain posted a sign at all their locations stating that they would not be following the NYS mask mandate and in conjunction launched their ‘Catch Covid, Drop Weight’ program. “Listen, we’re just getting in on the fad that’s sweeping the country,’ a representative for the chain told The Inner Loop Blog.
‘We even have a special rate for people that are feeling sick. If you’re showing symptoms, you’re getting discounts. We’re really have fun with it, you know? Hey! What are you doing? Don’t clean that equipment! I’m sorry what was I saying? Oh yeah… You come here, sneeze into a fan, you know really get into it. We’re even replacing all the tanning beds with respirators for those that are really feeling the effects of the er umm.. program. I honestly cannot wait to see how amazing everyone looks!’
A local church is outraged at a mural they say depicts two bears in the 69 sex position and have demanded that the mural be removed and replaced with a mural of two bears engaging in traditional missionary sex.
The local pastor had this to say about the infamous mural
“It is just not right! What is this country coming to? First it’s giant bear 69ing next thing you know its giant bear gay marriage. As the bible says, it’s Giant Mural of a Bear Adam and Giant Mural of a Bear Eve, not Giant mural of a Bear Adam and Giant Mural of a Bear Steve!”
Which, like the mural, is quite the mouthful.
Many in the community are outraged, claiming that two disgusting fat hairy creatures 69ing is part of the proud culture of the city of Rochester.
The painters of the mural are said to have proposed a compromise in which it will be made clear that only anal and oral penetration occurred during the 69 which would be considered religiously sanctioned under the famed poophole loophole.