NEW YORK CITY, NY – A visibly distraught Jim Gaffigan asked Rochester what bathroom he should use on a Facebook live video after eating a Nick Tahou’s Garbage plate over the weekend. “I just really need to know where I can unload this hell and I need to know fast,” said the comedian as he struggled to dab sweat off his forehead in the 3-minute long video. Gaffigan performed at The Blue Cross Arena on Saturday, the same day he posted a live video of himself eating a Garbage Plate.
Doctor Kelly of Greece Ridge General Medicine explained, “the pressure he is feeling in his gastrointestinal system is common with such fatty foods.” She continues saying, “the pain can seem unbearable and he’s going to want to find a good load-bearing toilet to release the pressure.”
Reports indicate that Gaffigan had posted a 30-second long video of him on the ground in the fetal position weeping to himself, “I didn’t make it, I never had a chance.” The video is no longer posted on Facebook as of this time.
Rochester, NY – The terms have been set, the weapons have been chosen, and now the title of “Rochester’s Christmas Station” will finally be had by one station, and one station only.
This weekend DJs from Warm 101.3 and Mix 100.5 will meet at Parcel 5 to fight to the death for the right to play Christmas music in this city.
Warm 101.3 is the early favorite’s amongst Vegas odds due to the scrappy Pat Rivers from the Lunchtime Cafe who is expected to be serving up a lot of knuckle sandwiches during the battle. Rumors are every neck he breaks on the battlefield will be “brought to you by Salvatores.”
“The Mayor Pete Kennedy is the best hope for Mix 100.5 if they want to survive this fight,” says retired military commander Brett Donaldson. “He’ll have to get dirty and call in some ‘mayoral’ favors if they want to stand a chance. I’m talking some grassy knoll type of favors.”
Rochester, NY – Former News10 WHEC meteorologist Jeremy Kappell has taken Mayor Lovely Warren to court over her statements following his televised “linguistic flub” where he “accidentally” said a racial slur.
Kappell’s attorney alleges the Mayor put pressure on his former employer by calling for his firing and that his client was terminated 18 minutes after the mayor’s Facebook post was published.
Sources tell The InnerLoop Blog that closed-door hearings have come to a screeching halt after Kappell described the City of Rochester refusing to pay restitution as “niggardly.”
This was the proper use of the word which the dictionary defines as “not generous; stingy.” Unfortunately, Kappell’s voice did slip a little bit and it may have sounded like he switched the ‘ar’ sound to a hard ‘er’ sound.
His representation says this is a huge misunderstanding and that Kappell had a frog in his throat.
Rochester, NY – Sources tell the Innerloop to say Billy Fuccillo’s wives huge issues a statement that his “deal” is in fact not “huge.”
To be clear, the deal in this case absolutely does not refer to anything other than the price of his cars that sit flaccid at his dealerships. The ex-wives say you could mostly like find a much younger, larger deal, by shopping online.
ROCHESTER, NY – Area radio executives announced today that November 3rd will be the day that Warm 101.3 employees will be pumping Christmas spirit directly into their anus.
“We’ve been bringing the joy of the holiday season to Rochester listeners for over three decades now,” wrote Marketing Director Allison Weir in a recent Facebook post. “This year to take it to the next level we are mandating that our employees take as much Bing Crosby music as possible directly to the anus, the holiday hit will be quicker and longer lasting”.
“I’m not really sure I like what they’re doing,” explained longtime Warm 101.3 listener Ruth Denger. “It’s not even Thanksgiving yet and we’re already expecting people to want accept holiday music into their rectum? I’m already sick of it to be honest!”
As of press time yesterday Warm 101.3 competitor Mix 100.5 announced that they plan on taking Christmas music “as hard as possible, into every orifice, for as long as it takes, and give full consent to be treated like the pigs we are,” beginning November 2nd:.
Rochester, NY – Many people don’t know the story of the original Rolling Stones bass guitarist Thomas Binkaid. That is because his story ended before the band’s historic rise.
Binkaid was called by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards when they were first putting together the band back in 1962. “We heard he was a great bassist from Rochester that was looking to start a new band. His family was already moving to London and he would have been perfect” said Jagger.
After receiving the call Binkaid reportedly went to get a new Bass guitar to take with him on the trip. That was the last anyone had heard from Thomas. Jagger and the rest of the Stones waited as long as they could but found Bill Wyman and the rest is history.
But what happened to Thomas Binkaid?
After moving some piles of instruments around in The House Of Guitars, one local worker discovered a leg bone. Upon further inspection, there was an entire skeleton underneath the pile.
Forensic experts say that while reaching for a bass guitar, the instruments must have collapsed on top of Binkaid crushing him to death. Since the House Of Guitars is a mess that identifies as a store, no one has moved that pile of instruments until this week.
Rochester, NY – Tom’s Hardware is trying to keep up with the times and knows that Social Media is important for marketing.
Unfortunately, like many other local businesses, they have one of their oldest employees in charge of their accounts and they may have caused a tragedy today by using the Comic Sans font on a 9/11 Memorial social media post.
“This is worse than attacking another Country under false pretenses,” said one commenter on Tom’s Hardware Facebook Page.
“Well I was going to use Wingdings but I thought that would be offensive” said Ethel Burnquist, Tom’s Social Media Manager.