All posts by loophead

Could Jim “The Hammer” Shapiro Replace Barnes? Our Sources Say “No” and “Stop Calling Us”

Rochester, NY – According to this photo that we photoshopped, Jim “The Hammer” Shapiro may be Cellino’s new law-bestie.

Will the partnership be made public soon? Will the two make amazing commercials together? Will they have dope graphics of hammers smashing things?

The answer to all this questions is probably not.

Mayor Warren Admits She Thought “Grand” Jury Was Group Trying to Give Her $1000, Not Federal Charges

Rochester, NY – It was just announced that Mayor Lovely Warren and two political associates are now facing two felony charges for alleged campaign finance violations and the Inner Loop Blog was just informed of yet another bombshell with this developing story.

Communications leaked to us makes it appear as though Mayor Warren was confused about the meaning of the Grand Jury investigating her. She reportedly told her staff to “give them whatever they wanted as long as we get that money!” Our anonymous source believes the mayor thought the “Grand” Jury was a group hoping to donate $1,000 to her re-election campaign.

“It’s actually something we have a real problem with,” said Grand Jury member Britney Strusslerberg. “We also get calls from people thinking we’re a reality TV show.”

Antifa Storm Into The Riot Room, Leave It Spotless

Rochester, NY – Civil unrest has once again hit the streets of Rochester following the murder of Daniel Prude and protesters have once again started marching for change. While the demonstrators have been overwhelmingly peaceful, there have been a few bad actors.

In one of the most heinous acts of aggression, a video forwarded to our blog shows a group of hooligans claiming to be Antifa barging into The Riot Room on East Ave, and cleaning the entire bar.

“This is a place meant for smashing and rioting, yet these protesters came in and gave us a complete makeover,” said bar manager Stacy Greenfield. “It’s the worst thing that could happen to us. We’re ruined.”

Fairport Brewery Issues Apology, Lifts Ban on Dark Beers

Fairport, NY – The owners of Fairport Brewing Company have admitted that one of their employees was involved in the tearing down of “Black Lives Matters” posters and issued an apology. The Inner Loop Blog was messaged the following early draft of the apology from an unverified source from a beer rating website ‘IPAsMakeIPee.’ 

“We at FBC are all about diversity, that’s why in addition to our donation to BLM, we’ve decided to start brewing darker ales, stouts and maybe even a few browns. FBC prefers to call the browns, amber ales so as not to make the locals nervous. Previously, it was the brewery’s decision to stick to lighter, wheat, or white beers. We personally believe that they’re far superior to the darker ales. A lot of the lighter beers such as the pilsners or Hefeweizens are from Germany and we love Germany’s long rich history especially the years from 1933-1945. But in light of recent events, we have changed our stance on that. We hope that the community sees this as growth and continues to drink our very mediocre beer.

Locals Finally Get Home From Darien Lake’s Last Concert, Shocked to Learn of Pandemic

Darien, NY – Hundreds of Rochester citizens just received the shocking news about the COVID-19 pandemic. No, they have not been locked in some Jared Leto electronics-free meditation/masturbation chamber. They have been stuck in traffic at Darien Lake since their last concert before the lockdown ended.

The amusement park/amphitheater hosted the “Amp Energy Drink Music Festival Brought To You By Fritos” and thousands attended the full day concert featuring everyone from Soul Asylum to Semisonic and also Eagle Eye Cherry. (Correction: That was the full lineup.) But due to the way they let people out of the parking lot following large events, many have been forced to live off of tailgating supplies since early March.

“Well, this sucks,” said one Rochester man returning home to the news his job had laid him off and his wife had quarantined with their younger more virile neighbor.

 

Kimberly and Beck Disown Fourth Man As They Transition Into Fourth Woman

Rochester, NY – Just a week after “The Fourth Man” announced that they would now like to be referred to as “The Fourth Woman”, Radio 95.1 afternoon personalities Kimberly and Beck have officially disowned their listeners.

“We are a family-friendly show,” explained Barry Beck. He continued saying, “ We don’t want to alienate our listeners by referring to our listeners in politically correct, snowflake terms that our listeners now want to be referred to as, it just doesn’t make sense.”

Jim Gaffigan Asks Rochester Which Toilet He Should Unload His Garbage Plate Into

NEW YORK CITY, NY – A visibly distraught Jim Gaffigan asked Rochester what bathroom he should use on a Facebook live video after eating a Nick Tahou’s Garbage plate over the weekend. “I just really need to know where I can unload this hell and I need to know fast,” said the comedian as he struggled to dab sweat off his forehead in the 3-minute long video. Gaffigan performed at The Blue Cross Arena on Saturday, the same day he posted a live video of himself eating a Garbage Plate.

Doctor Kelly of Greece Ridge General Medicine explained, “the pressure he is feeling in his gastrointestinal system is common with such fatty foods.” She continues saying, “the pain can seem unbearable and he’s going to want to find a good load-bearing toilet to release the pressure.”

Reports indicate that Gaffigan had posted a 30-second long video of him on the ground in the fetal position weeping to himself, “I didn’t make it, I never had a chance.” The video is no longer posted on Facebook as of this time.

Warm 101.3 and Mix 100.5 Djs Will Fight to the Death for Title of “Rochester’s Christmas Music Station”

Rochester, NY – The terms have been set, the weapons have been chosen, and now the title of “Rochester’s Christmas Station” will finally be had by one station, and one station only.

This weekend DJs from Warm 101.3 and Mix 100.5 will meet at Parcel 5 to fight to the death for the right to play Christmas music in this city.

Warm 101.3 is the early favorite’s amongst Vegas odds due to the scrappy Pat Rivers from the Lunchtime Cafe who is expected to be serving up a lot of knuckle sandwiches during the battle. Rumors are every neck he breaks on the battlefield will be “brought to you by Salvatores.”

“The Mayor Pete Kennedy is the best hope for Mix 100.5 if they want to survive this fight,” says retired military commander Brett Donaldson. “He’ll have to get dirty and call in some ‘mayoral’ favors if they want to stand a chance. I’m talking some grassy knoll type of favors.”

Kappell/Warren Hearings Come to Halt After the Former Meteorologist Tries to Use the Word “Niggardly”

Rochester, NY – Former News10 WHEC meteorologist Jeremy Kappell has taken Mayor Lovely Warren to court over her statements following his televised “linguistic flub” where he “accidentally” said a racial slur.

Kappell’s attorney alleges the Mayor put pressure on his former employer by calling for his firing and that his client was terminated 18 minutes after the mayor’s Facebook post was published.

Sources tell The InnerLoop Blog that closed-door hearings have come to a screeching halt after Kappell described the City of Rochester refusing to pay restitution as “niggardly.”

This was the proper use of the word which the dictionary defines as “not generous; stingy.” Unfortunately, Kappell’s voice did slip a little bit and it may have sounded like he switched the ‘ar’ sound to a hard ‘er’ sound.

His representation says this is a huge misunderstanding and that Kappell had a frog in his throat.