SPENCERPORT NY – In an effort to save a dog trapped in a well at the corner of Union and Ogden Center road the Spencerport Fire Department has spent hours contemplating just how much dynamite is needed in this situation. “It’s not something we take lightly and definitely not something we want to muck up”, said Fire Chief Jake Bromage. “You don’t get a poor innocent dog unstuck from a well by just blasting it out… you need to use the exact precise amount of dynamite in this situation”.

The Spencerport Fire Department has recently been under scrutiny after using a high powered firehose to get a cat out of a tree earlier this week leaving many neighbors concerned. Spencerport native Kelly O’Connel voiced her concern explaining, “if they don’t understand how to properly get a cat out of a tree using a firehose how do I trust that they’re going to use the right amount of dynamite to properly launch a dog safely out of a well?”

At press time the fire department was unable to talk more about the situation because they were trying to stop a runaway train by dropping a big anvil on it.

ROCHESTER, NY – Local conservative radio host Bob Lonsberry is making headlines once again, but this time not for his incendiary political opinions or controversial remarks. Instead, a shocking investigative report alleges that Lonsberry’s home is “littered” with crusty pairs of sacred Mormon undergarments, leaving both the community and the internet ablaze with speculation.

Images leaked to The Innerloop Blog by an anonymous source claiming to be the Lonsberry family’s maid paint a bizarre and unsettling picture. “Clearly he was very excited about President Trump’s inauguration, the house looks like a post-apocalyptic temple clearance sale,” the whistleblower reported. They went on to describe a chaotic scene where Fox News blared at full volume and piles of undergarments were stuck to the floor like barnacles on a ship. “I haven’t seen anything like this—and I’ve cleaned up the homes of some of Rochester’s most prolific swingers,” the source quipped, clearly shaken.

When reached for comment, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints appeared eager to distance itself from the controversy. A representative, speaking off the record, stated, “Temple garments are meant to be treated with respect and dignity. They’re simply not designed to withstand this… volume.” In the wake of the revelations, local conservative groups have rallied behind Lonsberry, launching a cryptocurrency campaign dubbed JosephSmithBucks to fund an industrial-grade washing machine and an ample supply of fabric softener for the embattled radio host.

ROCHESTER, NY — Kevin Coutell of Webster NY is making waves after discovering a loophole to get Bruster’s Ice Cream free for a lifetime.

“I was sitting there eating a banana split I spent my hard-earned money on and there was this dog that had its leash tied off to a chair that was licking on a sundae,” says Kevin. “I asked its owner how much they paid for it and that’s when I found out dogs get free ice cream at Bruster’s. That’s when the idea hit me like a shock from a collar!”

Ever since that day, Mr. Coutell has been undergoing major reconstruction surgery to transform into a dog. “I would say I have probably spent close to $30,000 on procedures which seems like a lot but the way I see it, it will only take a few years of eating free ice cream to be out of the red!” A color he no longer can see after getting the eyes of a Doberman transplanted last month.

The staff at Bruster’s said Kevin did try early on in the process to get free ice cream while wearing a furry costume. “We told him that the doggie sundaes were only for real dogs,” says Lactose Artist Courtney Perictory, “but we didn’t expect him to take it this far.”

Rochester, NY – Local news anchor Don Alhart has announced his retirement and no one is taking the news harder than local murderers. The Innerloop Blog has had a flood of messages from some of Rochester’s most wanted criminals with their disappointment in hearing the news of Alhart’s departure from the broadcasting world.

Rochester, NY – Local couple Alex and Emily got engaged during the pandemic and have been planning their dream wedding ever since. After searching all over Monroe County they decided The Wintergarden was the perfect place to tie the knot and decided to make it official last week by turning in their deposit check.

“We knew the venue wasn’t going to be cheap so we didn’t think anything of the amount they wanted for the check,” says Alex. “But now we’re wondering if $19,000,000 isn’t the standard rate in town. We’re facing a dilemma bigger than choosing between chicken or fish for dinner!”

The issue is the owner of several local restaurants including The Wintergarden was recently accused of defrauding Five Star Bank of nearly 19 million dollars in an alleged check-kiting scheme. For those who do not know how check-kiting works, please research it and send us your findings because we also do not understand what that means.

“It was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives,” lamented Emily, clutching her wedding planner tightly. “Now, I don’t know whether to cry or laugh hysterically.”

To come up with the money to secure the deposit, Alex had to pick up several part-time jobs and Emily started an OnlyFans account that she says involved “feet and garbage plates.” She was able to come up with the $19M in just about a month.

“The venue hasn’t deposited our check yet so we’re debating whether or not to call our bank and have them cancel it,” says Alex. “Ironically we use Five Star Bank.”

Orchard Park, NY – With the coming winter storm in Western New York, Governor Hochul held a press conference on Saturday to announce that 100 members of the New York National Guard would be deployed to Buffalo on Monday afternoon to act as run blockers for Bills RB James Cook.

“Facing two crises,” the Governor declared from a Buffalo podium, “the winter storm, of course, but also the struggling offense of this season’s Bills team—I have no choice but to deploy 100 of our strongest and bravest National Guard troops to augment the Bills’ intermittently porous O-line.”

While our sources report that NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was initially opposed to the idea, he ultimately agreed to expand the Bills’ offensive line size to 105 men to provide adequate protection for Cook’s frequent runs in the heavy snow.

At press time, the Bills were seen to be unpacking 100 new jerseys for the troops at Highmark Stadium.

Buffalo, NY – In light of the winter storm warning forecasting up to 2 feet of snow in some parts of Western New York, the Buffalo Bills announced today on social media that their blowout 40-3 victory against the Pittsburgh Steelers would be delayed until 4:30pm on Monday.

“While securing our massive victory against Pittsburgh on Sunday would be ideal, the safety of our fans and of our welcomed guests from Pennsylvania is at the forefront of our minds,” Bills head coach Sean McDermott tweeted after Governor Hochul’s announcement. “We hope that you’ll consider staying an extra night to see this massacre in person.”

Although Pittsburgh’s Mike Tomlin refused to comment for our article, Inner Loop spies in Pittsburgh report that the Steelers head coach’s reticence is likely due less to the delay and more to their complete obliteration from the playoffs in the wildcard round.

“I agree that the safety of fans and players is of utmost importance,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated at a press conference, “and promise that the integrity of the NFL’s script will remain intact all the way through the Bills’ heartbreaking overtime loss in the AFC Championship Game.”