All posts by loophead

Billy Fuccillo’s Ex-Wives Says “IT’SSS NOTTTT”

Rochester, NY – Sources tell the Innerloop to say Billy Fuccillo’s wives huge issues a statement that his “deal” is in fact not “huge.”

To be clear, the deal in this case absolutely does not refer to anything other than the price of his cars that sit flaccid at his dealerships. The ex-wives say you could mostly like find a much younger, larger deal, by shopping online.

Warm 101.3 Employees to Mainline Christmas Music Straight-Up Butt Beginning November

ROCHESTER, NY – Area radio executives announced today that November 3rd will be the day that Warm 101.3 employees will be pumping Christmas spirit directly into their anus.

“We’ve been bringing the joy of the holiday season to Rochester listeners for over three decades now,” wrote Marketing Director Allison Weir in a recent Facebook post. “This year to take it to the next level we are mandating that our employees take as much Bing Crosby music as possible directly to the anus, the holiday hit will be quicker and longer lasting”.

“I’m not really sure I like what they’re doing,” explained longtime Warm 101.3 listener Ruth Denger.  “It’s not even Thanksgiving yet and we’re already expecting people to want accept holiday music into their rectum? I’m already sick of it to be honest!”

As of press time yesterday Warm 101.3 competitor Mix 100.5 announced that they plan on taking Christmas music “as hard as possible, into every orifice, for as long as it takes, and give full consent to be treated like the pigs we are,” beginning November 2nd:.

Original Rolling Stones Bassist Found Under Stack of Instruments at the House of Guitars

Rochester, NY – Many people don’t know the story of the original Rolling Stones bass guitarist Thomas Binkaid. That is because his story ended before the band’s historic rise.

Binkaid was called by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards when they were first putting together the band back in 1962. “We heard he was a great bassist from Rochester that was looking to start a new band. His family was already moving to London and he would have been perfect” said Jagger.

After receiving the call Binkaid reportedly went to get a new Bass guitar to take with him on the trip. That was the last anyone had heard from Thomas. Jagger and the rest of the Stones waited as long as they could but found Bill Wyman and the rest is history.

But what happened to Thomas Binkaid?

After moving some piles of instruments around in The House Of Guitars, one local worker discovered a leg bone. Upon further inspection, there was an entire skeleton underneath the pile.

Forensic experts say that while reaching for a bass guitar, the instruments must have collapsed on top of Binkaid crushing him to death. Since the House Of Guitars is a mess that identifies as a store, no one has moved that pile of instruments until this week.

RIP Thomas.

Local Business Causes Outrage By Using Comic Sans on 9/11 Social Media Post

Rochester, NY – Tom’s Hardware is trying to keep up with the times and knows that Social Media is important for marketing.

Unfortunately, like many other local businesses, they have one of their oldest employees in charge of their accounts and they may have caused a tragedy today by using the Comic Sans font on a 9/11 Memorial social media post.

“This is worse than attacking another Country under false pretenses,” said one commenter on Tom’s Hardware Facebook Page.

“Well I was going to use Wingdings but I thought that would be offensive” said Ethel Burnquist, Tom’s Social Media Manager.

New Fringe Fest Show Just You Burning $25 in a Tent

Rochester, NY – Fringe Fest is back in Rochester and one of their new shows has everybody talking.

The new spectacular called “Cutting To The Chase” has free tickets because the entire show is just you standing in a circle with other guests and lighting $25 on fire.

“We realized that most of the comedy shows at Fringe are basically so bad it’s like your throwing away your money,” said Johnny Bogum the event’s creator. “At least this way you can actually enjoy seeing your money wasted.”