Rochester, NY – ‘I honestly forgot what it looked like, it’s been so long,’ Scott Adams of Fairport told the Inner Loop Blog. ‘My only thought was, I need to tell authorities and also to stop staring directly into it’

The 911 dispatch was flooded with similar calls all screaming about the same thing. The blog was able to catch up with exhausted dispatcher Jessica Watkins, following her shift.

‘It was crazy! I kept telling people, that’s the sun. And they kept saying, THE WHAT?! Honestly, I’m glad some of them called me because a few of them actually had to go to the hospital on account of them being blinded and shit. Makes sense since we only see it a few days a year.’

ROCHESTER, NY – As Rochesterians prepare for the warm weather of spring to melt away the piles of snow littering the city Monroe County officials are suggesting that citizens take precautionary measures to combat the flooding that will ensue by suggesting that all residents lay a thick layer of potato home fries along the base of their basements to help soak up the excess water that might build up.

“As most Rochester residents know, nothing soaks up unwanted liquid like a heaping serving of home fries.”

Officials have warned against some residents who are insistent on filling their basements with half home fries and half-baked beans.

“Beans? That’s just ludicrous. I mean a nice serving of mac salad? Sure. A drizzling of ketchup and chopped onions for good measure? Of course, it can’t hurt, but we draw the line at beans and we will not be taking any more questions on the matter.”

said Mayor Evans, who we are told is looking into whether or not he can use the powers of his office to institute a state of emergency against baked bean supporters to make it legal for RPD to imprison them on sight.

Local conservative talk radio host Bob Lonsberry is currently preparing to host a new panel-format comedy radio show called “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell HR!”, sources inside WHAM confirmed this week.

While Lonsberry’s show will draw its basic quiz format from its sister show, “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!” on WBEZ, leaked internal documents reveal that WWDTHR will feature its own unique segments, such as “Gaslight the Listener” and “Lightning Fill-in-the-Divorce-Paperwork”.

Panelists will reportedly be eliminated from each game by being officially terminated by WHAM for the extensive use of sexist, racist, and/or homophobic sentiments necessary to answer the show’s questions correctly. In an effort to preserve the show’s cast, WHAM has confirmed that all terminated WWDTHR panelists will be re-hired prior to each week’s episode, conditional on the completion of mandatory weekly sensitivity training, or at least a solid attempt at its completion, like opening the webpage at some point.

At press time, sources inside WHAM also confirmed that Bob Lonsberry would be the first to be eliminated from the show’s debut episode for making an untoward pun using special guest Paula Poundstone’s last name.

Rochester, NY – Everyone knows that AltBar produces events for sober people, sober-curious people, athletes, and douchebags who think they’re better than you, but what about eligible bachelors who are tired of talking to drunk women at bars? The answer is, “absolutely.” We went to an AltBar event at an undisclosed location where we caught up with one of these grade A studs.

“Drunk chicks ramble on and on about bullshit, bro, it’s like “We gonna f*ck, or nah?”” Colby Rogers told an Innerloop reporter. “They can’t hold their booze and just talk about bullsh*t like climate change. I’m done with drunk chicks. So tonight I decided to shotgun ten beers at home and meet some sober babes here… You have a Marb Light, bro? Or a garbage plate?”

Later that night, Rogers was kicked out of the event for trying to sneak a piss under the bar. The Innerloop has not received word about whether or not he smashed.

Rochester, NY – The telecommunications company formerly known as Spectrum rebranded itself on Monday, in an effort to compete with Tom Golisano’s “Greenlight” company for control over the Rochester fiber internet market. Now known as “Gaslight”, the internet giant will reportedly be offering fiber optic internet service to nearly twelve households in Monroe County.

“We’re passionate about bringing affordable, high-speed internet to the community,” a spokesperson from Gaslight said at a press conference. “While some have criticized our service as spotty or sluggish, we think they’re just absolutely crazy. They should have their reaction times checked out at a doctor. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with our network.”

While some Rochester residents welcome the competition, others are worried that Spectrum’s inconsistent pricing and predatory sales tactics will remain in Gaslight’s business repertoire. At press time, however, Gaslight dismissed these concerns as “the ramblings of the truly deranged.”

Rochester, NY – This past week, a local gym chain posted a sign at all their locations stating that they would not be following the NYS mask mandate and in conjunction launched their ‘Catch Covid, Drop Weight’ program. “Listen, we’re just getting in on the fad that’s sweeping the country,’ a representative for the chain told The Inner Loop Blog.

‘We even have a special rate for people that are feeling sick. If you’re showing symptoms, you’re getting discounts. We’re really have fun with it, you know?  Hey! What are you doing? Don’t clean that equipment! I’m sorry what was I saying? Oh yeah… You come here, sneeze into a fan, you know really get into it. We’re even replacing all the tanning beds with respirators for those that are really feeling the effects of the er umm.. program. I honestly cannot wait to see how amazing everyone looks!’

A local church is outraged at a mural they say depicts two bears in the 69 sex position and have demanded that the mural be removed and replaced with a mural of two bears engaging in traditional missionary sex.

The local pastor had this to say about the infamous mural

“It is just not right! What is this country coming to? First it’s giant bear 69ing next thing you know its giant bear gay marriage. As the bible says, it’s Giant Mural of a Bear Adam and Giant Mural of a Bear Eve, not Giant mural of a Bear Adam and Giant Mural of a Bear Steve!”

Which, like the mural, is quite the mouthful.

Many in the community are outraged, claiming that two disgusting fat hairy creatures 69ing is part of the proud culture of the city of Rochester.

The painters of the mural are said to have proposed a compromise in which it will be made clear that only anal and oral penetration occurred during the 69 which would be considered religiously sanctioned under the famed poophole loophole.

Following Saturday’s windstorm, in which 70 mile per hour gusts devastated power and communications lines around the county, Rochester Gas & Electric has reported that over 10,000 of its customers in the Rochester area still have absolutely zero chill about the whole situation.

“It has come to our attention that thousands of our valued customers can’t, like, just cool it with the complaints for one goddamn second,” a spokesperson wrote in a statement released early Sunday morning. “We obviously know your power’s out, OK? We’re working on it. Losing power isn’t the end of the world. Go do a crossword or something.”

Sources inside the regional utility giant report that the company expects to have restored power to a majority of households by Monday morning, but that there are currently no estimates of when occupants will settle the fuck down and think about maybe buying a few flashlights next time.

At press time, we were unable to reach RG&E for comment, because our power was out.

Apparently the heir to the Wegman’s fortune are still not pleased with their father Danny, who has made it clear that neither she or his grandchildren are his favorite, as all of them rank substantially below a mid tier deli meat sub sandwich.

“Capicola has done more for me than those damn kids ever have and I’ll be damned if I turn my back on it” Said Danny Wegman as he sat and tried in vein to convince his lawyer to add the famed sandwich into his will as the sole beneficiary.

The kids have doused themselves in sub oil many times before in a desperate attempt to connect with the Wegmans Patriarch, but to no avail.

“He sees right through us. There is no fooling him. Say what you want about my father but he can tell the difference between his human child and a submarine sandwich 80% of the time. He’s that damn good.” Said his daughter, wiping away her tears with two loaves of ciabatta.

East Rochester Mayor John R. Alfieri announced his goal of vaccinating more than 70 of the town’s population by December 31st, 2021 in a press conference earlier this week.

“The pandemic isn’t over as soon as you are vaccinated as an individual,” he explained early Tuesday morning. “We need the community to be vaccinated. At least 70 of you guys. Come on.”

This announcement follows more than half a year of vaccine controversy within the town, with many residents insisting that only 50 people really needed to be vaccinated, and many more insisting that full herd immunity was achievable by simply letting the entire population of the town die.

At press time, East Rochester has reached 30 vaccinated individuals, with the mayor noting that they were off to a good start, assuming they could reduce their total population to 80 people.