Rochester, NY – A new study from RIT has compared the latest Neilson ratings for Rochester Radio and the Instagram upload rates of selfies from Radio Social and the results are shocking.
It appears that for the first time in the city’s history that there are now more people taking pictures with the old-timey radios at the hipster bowling mecca than actually listening to the radio.
Researchers say further studies are needed but their current hypothesis is that there’s an ingredient in Radio Social’s hummus that makes people want to quit listening AM/FM wavelengths and instead crave the soothing sounds of NPR podcasts and Spotify “chill vibes to study to” playlists.
The study’s lead author Stephanie Farner says “it’s either that or radio just kind of sucks.”
East Rochester, NY – Don Frost always had dreams of being a comedian. He assumed they weren’t feasible because nobody would laugh at any of his jokes, so he decided to get into property management instead. However, after losing his job and marriage due to photos emerging of him exposing his genitals at the January 6th Capitol riots, Don has renewed hope. He has taken his comedy game in a new direction.
“It’s funny, because what I’m really saying is “F*ck Joe Biden,” Don said of his fresh new bit where he comments “Let’s go Brandon” below literally every article posted by the Democrat & Chronicle. “But only smart people know that. Yesterday one of my comments got two laugh reactions – one from a guy with an eagle wearing an American flag thong as his default pic, and one from a guy standing next to a deer he just killed with an AK-47, and I thought “these are my people right here.””
At press time, Don is waiting for Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to respond to his “You up?” DM.
Monroe County, NY – Incumbent Todd Baxter won big in the Monroe County Sheriff’s race on Election Day. Although he ran unopposed, Baxter was still pretty proud of himself, and celebrated well into the morning hours, downing an entire gallon of whole milk in the process. The Innerloop caught up with a lethargic, glassy-eyed Baxter in his home this morning to get his thoughts.
“The win feels great, but physically, this is worse than the time I devoured a whole blooming onion to my dome piece,” said Baxter, before sprinting to the bathroom.
Our reporter waited an hour for Baxter to return, then decided to leave after becoming uncomfortable when Mrs. Baxter wanted to discuss critical race theory.
Rochester, NY – Malik Evans ran unopposed in today’s election, but not all city residents are ready to accept him as the new Mayor. One of those residents is Blaine Davenport of the South Wedge.
“I was super bummed that Howie Hawkins wasn’t running this year,” said Davenport, before taking a long drag of his Signal Cigarette. “I’m not prepared to let a fascist white supremacist like Malik Evans just take over the city without putting up a fight, so I wrote in “Soy Chai Latte.” I know it’s a long shot, but I’m not a conformist just because I’m a suburban-born white kid. F*ck white people, bro. ACAB.”
At press time, Davenport is oiling the chain on his unicycle, or something weird like that.
A local man utilized the help of a spirt medium to make direct contact with recently deceased former car salesman Billy Fuccillo this past Friday in an attempt to ascertain the best possible interest rate one could hope for for a 2012 Honda Accord.
It is said that the medium first used a Ouija board to make contact.
“I knew we had located the spirit when the board spelled out one simple word. “HYUUUUGE”” Said the medium, in between hits of her clove cigarette.
When asked if Fuccillo had any messages for his friends and family the local man told us that he did not, and that his only other message was “anything between 3-10 percent would be a pretty good deal.” while the lights in the room flickered.
“I got chills up and down my back and the temperature in the room dropped 10 degrees at the mere mention of Tom. Thats when I knew that we must be in contact with the main man himself.”
The medium has requested that customers stop asking her to reach out to old local commercial personalities. 50% of her customer base has been said to try to reach out to Jim The Hammer Shapiro despite the fact that he is still very much alive.
Mayor Lovely Warren’s approval rating has plummeted to an all-time low of 99%, the Mayor herself reported earlier this week in a report issued on unofficial letterhead.
“While I maintain my innocence on all counts,” the report reads, “I do acknowledge that some residents disapprove of my actions, for some reason. By my own office’s estimate, as many as 1% of Rochesterians no longer support my administration.”
This report comes as a response to several controversies miring the Mayor, among them unregistered weapons found in her home, potential campaign finance violations, and an alleged conspiracy to topple the government of the country of San Marino and dissolve its republic in a political coup.
Sources close to Mayor Warren have told the Inner Loop that she does plan to run again in the future, and hopes to boost her share of that future vote to a record-breaking 115%.
Rochester, N.Y. – Last month, 26 people were arrested in connection with one of the biggest drug busts this year in Rochester. Six kilos of cocaine and Fentanyl were taken off the streets after a search was conducted by the Rochester Police Department that spanned 28 locations. “This is a really, really, really, really, really big deal,” said David Smith, who recently began his new position as RPD Chief.
Many of you might be wondering what happens to the drugs seized by the RPD. Typically they are taken for personal use by officers, but this time Smith wants to try something different. “We’re going to sell them at auction and use the money to buy a new tank,” said Smith. “I mean, we’ll probably keep like a kilo for ourselves, but the rest will be going toward a good cause – a tank. A really bad ass tank we can use to blow stuff up.”
Rochester, NY – Saturday night, the Rochester Red Wings hosted their now annual ‘Grim & Depressing’ night in honor of NY Post writer Maureen Callahan’s 2019 story about Wegmans. Callahan was the guest of honor and even threw out the first pitch. The Inner Loop Blog was able to catch up with Maureen for a few comments on her Rochester experience.
‘When I wrote the article, I apparently opened a portal to hell and now I am cursed for eternity. Am I destined to return here year after year? This punishment is unjust and wicked. I’m sorry I said what I did about your city. I regret it a million times over. I believe all of you. All the emails. All the comments. You hear me?!? Your city is beautiful! It’s the opposite of Grim and depressing! Now please, for the love of God, let me move on with my life! So um… Pittsford Wegmans was nice.’
Rochester, NY – This past week Mayor Warren put her Rochester home of nearly 16 years on to the market. “She’s just looking for a fresh start,” a representative for the Mayor told the Inner Loop Blog. “These walls have a lot of memories in them and also presumably guns.”
The realtor for the home anticipates a quick sell. “You just don’t see houses with this amount of storage space. It’s like you could put important or dare I say potentially dangerous items away and completely forget about them. In this hot market, it’s such an added bonus”
Rochester,NY- With the spread of the delta variant, local businesses are now taking extra precautions with their covid protocols. Radio social recently announced they are now requiring proof of vaccination cards in order to be allowed in. In a surprise move though, radio social also announced that Pittsford dads will not be allowed to keep bringing up their bowling league days. This is what a Radio Social rep had to say
” We know the delta variant is spreading and we want to make sure all of our customers feel safe. After many hours of discussion, we also realized the amount of old men who wont shut up about their glory days in bowling and the one time they got a “turkey”. This is more than likely a greater threat than the delta variant could ever be. We want our customers to be happy and not get sucked into some obnoxious two hour rant about bowling from someones alcoholic father”
