Monroe County, NY – Incumbent Todd Baxter won big in the Monroe County Sheriff’s race on Election Day. Although he ran unopposed, Baxter was still pretty proud of himself, and celebrated well into the morning hours, downing an entire gallon of whole milk in the process. The Innerloop caught up with a lethargic, glassy-eyed Baxter in his home this morning to get his thoughts.

“The win feels great, but physically, this is worse than the time I devoured a whole blooming onion to my dome piece,” said Baxter, before sprinting to the bathroom.

Our reporter waited an hour for Baxter to return, then decided to leave after becoming uncomfortable when Mrs. Baxter wanted to discuss critical race theory.