Rochester, NY – Researchers announced findings from a new study that found 100% of the assholes tailgating you in a raised pickup truck are from Greece.
“Our study indicates that Greece was the epicenter of the douchebaggery,” one scientist told the Blog. “The outcome of our research is surprising to no one.”
The report also concluded that “bros” tailgating you like a dick were likely to have trucks with blacked out rims and a thin blue line flag in their back window.
Albany, NY – Last Tuesday, Andrew announced a plan to help curb the epidemic of gun violence plaguing New York State.
“A pistol with a mask on can save a life,” Cuomo said during Tuesday’s press conference, “that is why I am requiring all guns to be masked before firing.”
Gun owners will be required to stand six feet apart before shooting.
“One mask may have trouble stopping a bullet but two masks might work better.” Cuomo told reporters.
Rochester, NY – This years Food Truck Rodeo is set to be a real belt burster. Fortunately, plumbers are hosting their annual convention at the same time.
“I was planning on absolutely destroying my toilet after eating my seventh fish taco.” one rodeo attendee told the Blog. “These plumbers will surely have their work cut out for them.”
“We are happy to help clean up after glutinous poor decisions,” a plumber told the blog, “it’s our job and we are damn proud to do it!”
Many have been inspired to stuff their face with as many food truck goodies as possible.
“This Macarollin truck has no idea what it is in for!” Another rodeo attendee said, “I am going to crap my brains out with no regrets!”
Rochester, NY – We sat down with the Rochester Rhinos last two fans on a dreary side street near the former stadium to find out their thoughts on the team’s new owner.
“We are excited that a mediocre soccer star from the UK will help put this team back on the radar of middle class soccer parents in the suburbs.” One fan told the blog.
“I can’t wait to take my son to the Rhinos first game back so he can experience the feeling of mild disappointment when they lose!” The other fan said.
Rochester, NY – Governor Cuomo recently announced a contest that could send vaccinated SUNY students to the college of their dreams.
“We know that for many of you, a SUNY school was not your first choice,” Cuomo told students, “that is why we want to give everyone who skipped their SAT because they were hungover a second chance.”
SUNY students were thrilled to learn they have a chance to transfer out of their “safety-school” just by getting vaccinated.
“This is a life changing opportunity for young New Yorkers to move out of state and never come back.” Cuomo told students. “Now, you can save lives while also saving your future.”
Penfield, NY – Rising gas prices forced one Penfield mom to take drastic measures.
“I’m going to show you how to save money at the pump.” Karen Doe told her son as she started the engine of her oversized SUV.
After driving 150 miles, Karen finally made it to the gas station she learned about in a Facebook has finder group.
“Here it is,” a satisfied Karen said, “and it is 2¢ cheaper than any gas station by our home.”
After spending nearly $100 filling her tank, Karen and her son drove home, only stopping for a refill once.
One does not simply go to Wegmans once a day. Here are 10 reasons why you should go back a third time.
- You just spent over $100 on groceries but you forgot to grab something for dinner.
- You need a 12 pack of Ruby Red Kolsch to help you forget your obsession with Wegmans.
- You love waiting in line behind an old person who pays in coins.
- You enjoy risking your life in the Wegmans parking lot.
- You like getting exercise running through the store while your arms are full of groceries.
- You enjoy forgetting your reusable bag in the car.
- You live for the thrill of almost running into people with a shopping cart.
- You want to see if they finally made slices of your favorite pizza.
- You like to zig zag through aisles to avoid people you recognize.
- You are a masochist who gets off on going to Wegmans.
Rochester, NY – After performing a killer conference at the Bug Jar, Chuck Schumer was surprised to see a nearly empty pit below stage.
“Strange, so many of my friends said they were going to make it to the conference,” Chuck thought to himself as he watched his aides pack up his equipment. “Maybe they got lost.” Before he could finish the thought his phone started to ring. It was Kirsten Gillibrand.
“Chuck! I am so sorry I didn’t make it to the conference! I got tied up with work at home.” Kirsten said as she turned on Netflix and grabbed her giant bowl of popcorn. “Don’t worry I will make it to the next one!”
A little bit later he got a call from his buddy Andrew Cuomo. “Chuck! Sorry I missed your conference. I really wanted to go!,” Andrew said as he finished rolling up a fat blunt. “When is your next one? I promise I will make it!”
Brockport, NY – At a public forum, the Monroe County Health Department announced that couples should wear two condoms on Valentine’s Day.
“Valentine’s Day has the potential to be a super spreader event.” The Commissioner of Public Health told attendees, “we urge the public to wear at least two contraceptive devices during intercourse.”
A recent study found that wearing two tight fitting condoms substantially reduces the risk of contracting an STD and COVID-19.
“Love is in the air and so is COVID-19.” The Commissioner said, “If we can’t convince people to wear a mask, hopefully we can convince them to wear a condom.”
Monroe County announced that the campaign slogan will be, Don’t be a fool, double wrap your tool, will be displayed on all highway signs over the weekend.
Rochester, NY – With nearly 10 inches of snow on the ground and near white out conditions, Rochester man, John Doe, decided to go for an early morning run.
“What a beautiful morning. “local exercise fanatic, John Doe, said as he squeezed into his pitch black spandex leggings at 5am.
Countless car accidents and widespread power outages were reported across the area but that didn’t deter John.
“I’m not going to let a little snow get in the way of my cardio,” he thought to himself as a passing car lost traction and careened off the road beside him.
“Running on a road built for fast moving vehicles is way better than the sidewalk built for pedestrians!”