All posts by Jon Broida

Wegmans Reveals New Line of “Positive Energy You Feel Good About” Spirit Crystals

Rochester, NY – During the midst of a pandemic Wegmans has debuted a new product aimed at casual shoppers and tie-dye clad free spirits alike.

At a recent press conference, a red-eyed Danny Wegman slowly walked onstage to announce the supermarket’s new line of hippie woo-woo nonsense to reporters.

“The Wegmans Brand has always been about providing quality mysticism that makes you feel real positive vibes, man.” Wegman said 

The crystals can be found by following the thick smell of incense and ringing of tiny bells at all Wegmans locations.

“Our green semi-precious stones hit right at your wallet chakra,” Wegmans said, “making you feel refreshed and wanting to spend more money at our stores.”

Pittsford Woman Proudly Retires From Activism After Placing Black Lives Matter Sign in Front Lawn

Pittsford, NY – Karen Smith has dedicated countless hours to combating systemic racism from the comfort of her upper middle class Pittsford home. Now she feels it is time to take the fight to her front yard.

“It has been a long struggle,” Karen told the Blog, “but after 10 minutes of searching online, I finally found a Black Lives Matter lawn sign with free shipping.”

After walking a grueling twenty feet out her front door and placing the sign near the edge of the road she knew it was time to retire.

“I think I have done all I can for racial justice in this country,” Karen said while taking out her new iPhone, “all that is left to do now is post a nice photo on Instagram with the proper activist hashtags.”

Monroe Ave to Be Designated as One Giant Crosswalk

Rochester, NY – Late last week, Rochester City Council passed legislation that will turn a part of Monroe Avenue into one giant crosswalk.

“We decided that it is time this city fully embraces human beings walking directly into oncoming traffic without a second thought.” One council member told the Blog.

The portion of Monroe Ave between 490 and Howell Street will now be designated as one giant crosswalk

Advocates of the bill celebrated its passing by covering their eyes and running back and forth across the street in front of City Hall.

“This is a huge victory for jaywalkers everywhere,” an activist told the Blog. “It is our right as American citizens to drunkenly stumble across Monroe Ave without looking both ways.”

 

Mayor Warren Distributes Guns in Attempt to Create Herd Immunity to Violence

Rochester, NY – At a recent press conference, Mayor Lovely Warren announced an emergency order to address the recent surge in violence across the city.  

“We have devised a plan that will help to limit the spread of violence ravaging our community. ” Mayor Warren said as her staff rolled out a large cart of semi-automatic rifles and ammunition behind her.

The Mayor’s actions come after the publication of a recent study that suggested Rochester can achieve herd immunity to violence by arming every citizen with at least one firearm and two full magazines of ammunition.

“In order to halt this epidemic of violence we must come together and fight fire with fire.” The Mayor said as she inserted ammunition into two bandoliers across her chest.

President Says He’s Spoken With Frederick Douglass and He’s Not That Upset About the Statue

Washington, DC – Last week, news that a statue of Frederick Douglass had been vandalized in Rochester reached the president of the United States. During a political rally the president mentioned the incident after ranting at length about the fake news.

“I know Frederick personally, great guy, a really great guy.” He told his supporters. 

White House aides told reporters that the president and statue of Douglass met at an undisclosed location and spoke for several hours.

“It’s a shame what happened to Frederick. I spoke with him personally, he is not that upset about it. He is doing alright. A little stiff! He likes going on walks. Walking. It’s good. It’s a good thing for statues.”

The president then began to mimic a statue and started to slowly walk around the stage in circles before his aides quickly pulled him off stage.

Frontier Field Hosts Paint Drying League to Make Up for Lack of Baseball

Rochester, NY –  News that the Red Wing’s 2020 season had been canceled left Frontier Field officials scrambling to find a way to fill the stands.

“We are all disappointed there will be no baseball this year,” one official told the blog, “but we think watching paint dry will be just as entertaining.”

During a press conference, officials from Frontier Field announced that the stadium will be hosting the National Paint Drying League (NPDL) for the rest of the summer.

“The NPDL knows they have big shoes to fill but they promise they will encourage their players to stand around and scratch their crotches just like baseball players do.”

Local Man Fired From Job Over Vocal Support of White Hots

Rochester, NY – A local man was fired from his job after a video of him ranting about his shameless love for white hots surfaced online. 

The video depicts Pittsford butcher, Frank Weisswurst, declaring white hots as the “master wiener” and labeling all other types of hot dog as “inferior.”

The video quickly went viral and outrage spread across Rochester. Soon the hashtags, #FireFrank and #CancelWhiteHots began trending on all social media platforms.

Community backlash soon led to Mr. Weisswurst being fired from his job. Efforts to ban the sale of white hots in the Rochester are now being considered.

Iron Smoke Hand Sanitizer Voted Rochester’s Best Tasting Alcohol

Rochester, NY – Iron Smoke’s new hand sanitizer has quickly become a favorite amongst germaphobes and liquor connoisseurs alike.

“This hand sanitizer is the best tasting thing to come out of this city.” An expert told the Blog. “It keeps you clean leaves you not being able to taste or smell a damn thing.”

The hand sanitizer recently won first place in a competition against rival drinkable cleaners, including bleach, hand soap and dish detergent.

 

Overpriced Mask Boutique Opens on Park Ave

Rochester, NY – Ever since Karen Stevens graduated from RIT with a degree in fashion design, she dreamed of opening up a trendy mask boutique on Park Ave.

“At first, I wasn’t sure if it would ever happen,” Karen told the blog, “but thankfully this global pandemic helped make my dreams a reality!”

The boutique specializes in the sale of boho-chic styled masks and additional designer face coverings from Europe.

“This style is totally in right now and only costs about $500,” She said while holding up a blood splattered surgeon’s mask.

“I want to make sure each mask has a story. That is why we make sure they come from the areas hardest hit by coronavirus.”

The Medley Center Prepares to Remain Closed for All Phases of NY Reopening

Rochester, NY – As Rochester continues to transition into phase two of reopening, workers at the Medley Center have been working tirelessly to ensure the doors never open.

“We have been making sure we keep all the floors nice and dirty,” One worker told the blog, “we gotta make sure it looks as abandoned as possible for all of the drivers on 104.”

Workers have spent days breaking windows and locking doors in preparation for the phase two closure.

“The pandemic has been tough on all of us but someone has to make sure this place looks like crap.”