Henrietta, NY – After years of trying Henrietta’s town supervisor finally changed the name of the town to Food Court.
“We feel that the name Henrietta doesn’t represent the town’s core values,” the supervisor told the Blog, “and we feel that a round cafeteria of various greasy fast food establishments is more representative of the town we live in.”
The town supervisor also implemented a new proposal that would turn all Henrietta schools into Chick-fil-A and Taco Bells.
“We decided to invest more time and money into raising and establishing the next food craze instead of the next generation.”
Rochester, NY – The mayor’s latest effort to revitalize Rochester took place at one of the city’s hidden venues, Lux Lounge.
“We want to ensure that even the most basic dejected hipsters have an opportunity to begin a long and fulfilling career in Rochester.” The mayor told reporters.
Instead of resumes, applicants were asked to bring their art portfolios and a body map of their piercing locations.
“We expect all applicants to have their septum pierced,” one recruiter told the Blog, “but nipple piercings are in high demand as well.”
Pittsford, NY – A local woman just found out she is pregnant but can already tell her fetus is hitting key milestones of a highly intelligent baby.
“This fetus has no knowledge of the outside world and was just conceived, but I just know it is more gifted than other fetuses.” The woman told a confused-looking barista at Starbucks.
“Can you believe it is already saying mama and dada?” as she pointed to her belly, “this fetus is just so smart for its age!”
The woman told a random person standing in line that the fetus is really good at problem-solving especially after she eats a massive burrito from Chipotle.
“Mam, this is a Starbucks,” the barista told her.
Rochester, NY – Wegmans has introduced a new self-checkout system to make robbing you blindly as seamless as possible.
“We want to make shopping as easy as possible for our customers,” a Wegman’s representative told the Blog, “and we know waiting in line to spend your entire life savings is time-consuming.”
Wegmans shoppers were thrilled to learn they could waste all of their money at once.
“Finally, I can blow my whole paycheck on my Organic Kombucha Spirit Crystal Turmeric CBD and half a toothpick without waiting for an old lady to count her change.” One shopper told the Blog.
Rochester, NY – After a series of scandals rocked Rochester’s newly established Police Accountability Board (PAB), the Mayor decided something had to be done.
“I’m here today to announce the creation of an accountability board to police Rochester’s Police Accountability Board.” The mayor said at an impromptu press conference. “Never could I have imagined that giving a group of random people, power to act independently, without proper oversight, would lead to such corruption and scandal.”
The actions come after an investigation into the PAB found that tax payer money was being spent on lavish Zoom meetings and GrubHug deliveries.
“This is only the beginning of a broader initiative to create accountability boards for every facet of our inefficient and corrupt government structure.” The mayor said, “Soon, accountability boards for accountability boards will be established to hold accountability boards accountable for their inability to hold anyone accountable…” the Mayor rambled on repeating “accountability” over and over again until he was eventually dragged off stage.
Brockport, NY – After Vladamir Putin’s unprovoked invasion of Ukraine displaced millions and created an unprecedented refugee crisis in Europe, SUNY Brockport’s administration thought it was the perfect time for students to learn about Putin’s contributions to human rights across the globe.
“Putin has a long history of supporting human rights,” one administrator told the Blog, “from enslaving dissidents for a lifetime in the Gulag, to murdering defenseless civilians in the Ukraine.”
The talk took place virtually inside a large auditorium to avoid the hundreds of protestors outside. After the students were seated, Putin called in and he was displayed over a large projector screen.
He began the address by chugging half a bottle of premium Russian vodka and taking off his shirt. He then demanded all students begin singing the Russian national anthem. Soon after his broadcast was abruptly cut short.
Rochester, NY – RIT Scientists announced an amazing scientific discovery that may prove the missing link between Wegmans and Tops shoppers.
“A long lost and thought to be extinct, evolutionary ancestor was found pulling a shopping cart in a similar way that primates do today,” scientists announced at a press conference.
The behavior was thought to be a trait of early bipedal hominids.
“We are not sure how he got here but we suspect he became trapped in the frozen food section thousands of years ago while deciding which brand of peas to purchase,” one scientist told the blog.
These findings give hope that additional archaic human ancestors will be found including the ones that take 10 minutes to back into a parking spot and the slow walker missing link.
Greece, NY – Last week, the chief of police for the Greece Police Department announced stricter measures to hide police misconduct.
“I want to apologize to the public for our failure to hide crimes committed by our officers.” the new Greece Police chief told reporters. “We are above the law and we need to make sure everyone knows it.”
When asked about recent allegations of police misconduct, the chief responded that they, “need to do a better job of protecting officers from prosecution.”
Rochester, NY – We stopped by a run down apartment complex in Greece to learn how divorcees were reacting to the change.
“Finally! I don’t have to hold all of my Healthy Choice frozen dinners and men’s health magazines under one arm.” One divorcee told the Blog, “I just hope Wegmans doesn’t take them away again like my ex wife took the kids.”
While the change is welcomed by many, some worry that it may have unprecedented consequences.
“Nice! Now I can carry even more Genny lights to drink!”
Rochester, NY – Researchers announced findings from a new study that found 100% of the assholes tailgating you in a raised pickup truck are from Greece.
“Our study indicates that Greece was the epicenter of the douchebaggery,” one scientist told the Blog. “The outcome of our research is surprising to no one.”
The report also concluded that “bros” tailgating you like a dick were likely to have trucks with blacked out rims and a thin blue line flag in their back window.