All posts by Jon Broida

Penfield Family Begins Annual Pilgrimage to Myrtle Beach, Dad Gets Dysentery

Penfield, NY – After sharing avocado toast and mimosas, one upper class Penfield family religiously packed their new Jeep Wagoneer and began their 800 mile journey to paradise.

Their vehicle was packed with all of the essentials for survival such as Nutella, Pirate’s Booty and various overpriced probiotic drinks.

The yearly pilgrimage had special importance for the family this year. They were celebrating Jebidia completing his senior year of high school and beginning his adult journey for a communications degree at an overpriced university his family completely paid for. Unfortunately, room temperature crab legs from a roadside restaurant had different plans for the family.

“Jebidia, I can go no further,” his father said holding his gut in agony, “you must lead the family to the all inclusive oceanfront vacation salvation.”

“But Pa, who will pay for Mary-Beth’s Coolsculpting and Botox injections?” Jebidia sobbed grasping his father’s clammy hand.

“Ask your mother.” Jebidia’s father said before running into the roadside restroom.

Wegmans Sues Whole Foods for Creating Worse Parking Lot Experience

Rochester, NY – A newly released legal document details the ongoing dispute between Wegmans and Whole Foods.

“It is the inalienable right of Wegmans to provide a terrible and horrifying parking experience for all Rochesterians.” The first sentence of the document stated, “Whole Foods has infringed on these rights by providing customers a more inconvenient and dangerous parking lot than us.”

The news sparked widespread protests at various Wegmans locations across Rochester.

“Wegmans provides consumers with a better death gauntlet parking experience than Whole Foods ever can,” one protestor told the Blog, “They have no right to try and take that way from Wegmans!”

Hilton Dad Disowns Child For Picking Up Rainbow Colored Easter Eggs

Hilton, NY – A quiet family gathering on Easter Sunday turned into chaos after a father found out his son had picked rainbow-colored Easter eggs.

“Who taught you this?” The man yelled while he examined his son’s Easter basket, I swear if I find out that school has a book about rainbow-colored Easter eggs I will lose my freaking mind!”

After dumping out the Easter eggs the father began pacing back and forth aggressively mumbling under his breath. He then grabbed his son by the collar.

“We only allow red-colored eggs in this household,” he screamed, ” if you don’t like that you can get out!”

He let his son go and began smashing the rainbow-colored eggs. “If you are into that furry Easter bunny stuff too… Oh man, I am done with you! I heard about how they put Easter baskets in the bathroom now! It ain’t right!” He told his son to go to his room and began writing a furious letter to the school district.


Henrietta Officially Changes It’s Name to Food Court

Henrietta, NY – After years of trying Henrietta’s town supervisor finally changed the name of the town to Food Court.

“We feel that the name Henrietta doesn’t represent the town’s core values,” the supervisor told the Blog, “and we feel that a round cafeteria of various greasy fast food establishments is more representative of the town we live in.”

The town supervisor also implemented a new proposal that would turn all Henrietta schools into Chick-fil-A and Taco Bells.

“We decided to invest more time and money into raising and establishing the next food craze instead of the next generation.”

Lux to Host First Career Fair Exclusively for People With Septum Piercings

Rochester, NY – The mayor’s latest effort to revitalize Rochester took place at one of the city’s hidden venues, Lux Lounge.

“We want to ensure that even the most basic dejected hipsters have an opportunity to begin a long and fulfilling career in Rochester.” The mayor told reporters.

Instead of resumes, applicants were asked to bring their art portfolios and a body map of their piercing locations. 

“We expect all applicants to have their septum pierced,” one recruiter told the Blog, “but nipple piercings are in high demand as well.”


Pittsford Woman Can’t Wait to Tell You How Smart Her Unborn Fetus Is

Pittsford, NY – A local woman just found out she is pregnant but can already tell her fetus is hitting key milestones of a highly intelligent baby.

“This fetus has no knowledge of the outside world and was just conceived, but I just know it is more gifted than other fetuses.” The woman told a confused-looking barista at Starbucks.

“Can you believe it is already saying mama and dada?” as she pointed to her belly, “this fetus is just so smart for its age!”

The woman told a random person standing in line that the fetus is really good at problem-solving especially after she eats a massive burrito from Chipotle.

“Mam, this is a Starbucks,” the barista told her.

Wegmans Self Checkout Now Drains Entire Bank Account Automatically

Rochester, NY – Wegmans has introduced a new self-checkout system to make robbing you blindly as seamless as possible.

“We want to make shopping as easy as possible for our customers,” a Wegman’s representative told the Blog, “and we know waiting in line to spend your entire life savings is time-consuming.”

Wegmans shoppers were thrilled to learn they could waste all of their money at once.

“Finally, I can blow my whole paycheck on my Organic Kombucha Spirit Crystal Turmeric CBD and half a toothpick without waiting for an old lady to count her change.” One shopper told the Blog.

Rochester Creates Accountability Board for Police Accountability Board

Rochester, NY – After a series of scandals rocked Rochester’s newly established Police Accountability Board (PAB), the Mayor decided something had to be done.

“I’m here today to announce the creation of an accountability board to police Rochester’s Police Accountability Board.” The mayor said at an impromptu press conference. “Never could I have imagined that giving a group of random people, power to act independently, without proper oversight, would lead to such corruption and scandal.”

The actions come after an investigation into the PAB found that tax payer money was being spent on lavish Zoom meetings and GrubHug deliveries.

“This is only the beginning of a broader initiative to create accountability boards for every facet of our inefficient and corrupt government structure.” The mayor said, “Soon, accountability boards for accountability boards will be established to hold accountability boards accountable for their inability to hold anyone accountable…” the Mayor rambled on repeating “accountability” over and over again until he was eventually dragged off stage.

SUNY Brockport Invites Vladamir Putin to Speak About Human Rights

Brockport, NY – After Vladamir Putin’s unprovoked invasion of Ukraine displaced millions and created an unprecedented refugee crisis in Europe, SUNY Brockport’s administration thought it was the perfect time for students to learn about Putin’s contributions to human rights across the globe.

“Putin has a long history of supporting human rights,” one administrator told the Blog, “from enslaving dissidents for a lifetime in the Gulag, to murdering defenseless civilians in the Ukraine.”

The talk took place virtually inside a large auditorium to avoid the hundreds of protestors outside. After the students were seated, Putin called in and he was displayed over a large projector screen.

He began the address by chugging half a bottle of premium Russian vodka and taking off his shirt. He then demanded all students begin singing the Russian national anthem. Soon after his broadcast was abruptly cut short.

Neanderthal Spotted Pulling Wegmans Shopping Cart From the Front

Rochester, NY – RIT Scientists announced an amazing scientific discovery that may prove the missing link between Wegmans and Tops shoppers.

“A long lost and thought to be extinct, evolutionary ancestor was found pulling a shopping cart in a similar way that primates do today,” scientists announced at a press conference.

The behavior was thought to be a trait of early bipedal hominids.

“We are not sure how he got here but we suspect he became trapped in the frozen food section thousands of years ago while deciding which brand of peas to purchase,” one scientist told the blog.

These findings give hope that additional archaic human ancestors will be found including the ones that take 10 minutes to back into a parking spot and the slow walker missing link.