All posts by Jon Broida

Monroe County Health Department Advises Wearing Two Condoms for Valentine’s Day

Brockport, NY – At a public forum, the Monroe County Health Department announced that couples should wear two condoms on Valentine’s Day.

“Valentine’s Day has the potential to be a super spreader event.” The Commissioner of Public Health told attendees, “we urge the public to wear at least two contraceptive devices during intercourse.”

A recent study found that wearing two tight fitting condoms substantially reduces the risk of contracting an STD and COVID-19.

“Love is in the air and so is COVID-19.” The Commissioner said, “If we can’t convince people to wear a mask, hopefully we can convince them to wear a condom.”

Monroe County announced that the campaign slogan will be, Don’t be a fool, double wrap your tool, will be displayed on all highway signs over the weekend.

Rochester Man Certain Running in Blizzard on Busy Road Provides the Best Workout

Rochester, NY – With nearly 10 inches of snow on the ground and near white out conditions, Rochester man, John Doe, decided to go for an early morning run.

“What a beautiful morning. “local exercise fanatic, John Doe, said as he squeezed into his pitch black spandex leggings at 5am.

Countless car accidents and widespread power outages were reported across the area but that didn’t deter John.

“I’m not going to let a little snow get in the way of my cardio,” he thought to himself as a passing car lost traction and careened off the road beside him.

“Running on a road built for fast moving vehicles is way better than the sidewalk built for pedestrians!”

RPD Adds Toddler Car Seats to Squad Vehicles

Rochester, NY – During a Monday morning press conference, Rochester’s Police Chief announced that all patrol vehicles will be outfitted with toddler car seats.

“These car seats are state of the art child detainment devices,” the police chief told reporters. “They will ensure our brave officers are safe from a small child throwing a tantrum.”

The military grade seats are equipped with steel restraints, light up handcuffs and a cute anti-bite muzzle. They are the first step in implementing the RPD’s new “Stop and Spank” policy.

“Our community has been under assault by crying toddlers for far too long,” the Chief said, “in order to make our city safe, we need to work together to ensure that excessive force is used to discipline all children.”

Penfield Family Demands Santa Wear a Mask Before Entering Chimney

Penfield, NY – With COVID-19 continuing to spread across Monroe county, one local family decided not to take any chances this holiday season.

“Little Billy really wanted to ask Santa for a PS5 this year,” Billy’s mother told the blog, “but I thought it would be better if he wrote a letter demanding Santa follow all COVID-19 related guidelines before entering this house.”

The letter also contains a detailed plan for sanitizing Santa’s workshop and culling the entire reindeer population in the North Pole to prevent the virus from spreading.

“He darn well better have quarantined for at least 15 days before setting foot in our chimney,” Billy’s father said, “he might be an asymptomatic spreader of COVID and holiday cheer.”

The family decided this year it would be best if they leave sanitizer and rapid COVID-19 tests for Santa instead of milk and cookies.

Old Person in Wegmans Comes to a Complete Stop for No Apparent Reason

Penfield, NY – An all too common scene of confusion and frustration unfolded inside Wegmans early Sunday morning when an elderly person came to an abrupt stop while pushing her cart.

“It was almost poetic,” one shopper told the Blog, “There she stood, grasping her cart, staring blankly into the produce section. Was she lost in thought or was she just lost inside Wegmans?”

More and more shoppers began to line up behind her as the elderly person took out her lengthy shopping list.

“She began to slowly cross off items on her list one at a time,” another shopper said, “she had no idea fifty people were waiting for her to move to grab a carton of eggs.”

Ghost of Susan B. Anthony Arrested for Not Floating Six Feet Away in Voting Line

Rochester, NY – Chaos erupted outside of an early voting site yesterday morning, after the ghost of Susan B. Anthony showed up to cast her ballot. 

Witnesses say that the 114 year old apparition just appeared out of thin air and began loudly declaring her right to vote. Many bystanders were startled and some were a little upset.

β€œShe just floated right through me while I was standing in line and she wasn’t even wearing a mask!” one disgusted voter said.

Efforts to encourage the ghost of Anthony to abide by social distancing guidelines failed and soon after the police were called.

“This is a clear case of voter intimidation,” an official from the Board of Elections told the Blog, “a polling site is no place for an unwelcomed haunting.”

Gates Bus Driver Accused of Driving Sober

Gates, NY – The Gates-Chili school district announced Monday that they were investigating reports of a bus driver driving completely sober.

“It is truly shocking that someone would dare  get behind the wheel of a school bus without a drop of alcohol in their system.” One school official said.

Witnesses say that the bus driver was seen obeying all traffic laws and driving exactly the speed limit while children were on board.

“What kind of sick person would use their turn signal in this day and age?” A parent told the Blog, “I don’t pay high taxes so my children can get to school safely!”

Fortunately, no students were injured and many were too high to remember their harrowing experience on the bus.

Rochesterians Excited to Vote for a Bunch of Local Politicians They Know Nothing About

Rochester, NY – Election season is in full swing and local residents could not be more excited to exercise their right to vote for someone they know absolutely nothing about.

“Sometimes I just close my eyes and hope I fill in a bubble on the ballot,” one voter told the Blog, “but usually I just pick the candidate with the funniest name.”

Excitement for the upcoming elections has taken the suburbs by storm, where lawn signs supporting candidates no one has ever heard of can be seen everywhere.

“I don’t know who these people are or what they stand for,” one resident said, “but Lord knows I am going to blindly vote for all the candidates affiliated with my political party.”

Wegmans Reveals New Line of “Positive Energy You Feel Good About” Spirit Crystals

Rochester, NY – During the midst of a pandemic Wegmans has debuted a new product aimed at casual shoppers and tie-dye clad free spirits alike.

At a recent press conference, a red-eyed Danny Wegman slowly walked onstage to announce the supermarket’s new line of hippie woo-woo nonsense to reporters.

“The Wegmans Brand has always been about providing quality mysticism that makes you feel real positive vibes, man.” Wegman said 

The crystals can be found by following the thick smell of incense and ringing of tiny bells at all Wegmans locations.

“Our green semi-precious stones hit right at your wallet chakra,” Wegmans said, “making you feel refreshed and wanting to spend more money at our stores.”

Pittsford Woman Proudly Retires From Activism After Placing Black Lives Matter Sign in Front Lawn

Pittsford, NY – Karen Smith has dedicated countless hours to combating systemic racism from the comfort of her upper middle class Pittsford home. Now she feels it is time to take the fight to her front yard.

“It has been a long struggle,” Karen told the Blog, “but after 10 minutes of searching online, I finally found a Black Lives Matter lawn sign with free shipping.”

After walking a grueling twenty feet out her front door and placing the sign near the edge of the road she knew it was time to retire.

“I think I have done all I can for racial justice in this country,” Karen said while taking out her new iPhone, “all that is left to do now is post a nice photo on Instagram with the proper activist hashtags.”