All posts by Jon Broida

Mayor Warren Distributes Guns in Attempt to Create Herd Immunity to Violence

Rochester, NY – At a recent press conference, Mayor Lovely Warren announced an emergency order to address the recent surge in violence across the city.  

“We have devised a plan that will help to limit the spread of violence ravaging our community. ” Mayor Warren said as her staff rolled out a large cart of semi-automatic rifles and ammunition behind her.

The Mayor’s actions come after the publication of a recent study that suggested Rochester can achieve herd immunity to violence by arming every citizen with at least one firearm and two full magazines of ammunition.

“In order to halt this epidemic of violence we must come together and fight fire with fire.” The Mayor said as she inserted ammunition into two bandoliers across her chest.

President Says He’s Spoken With Frederick Douglass and He’s Not That Upset About the Statue

Washington, DC – Last week, news that a statue of Frederick Douglass had been vandalized in Rochester reached the president of the United States. During a political rally the president mentioned the incident after ranting at length about the fake news.

“I know Frederick personally, great guy, a really great guy.” He told his supporters. 

White House aides told reporters that the president and statue of Douglass met at an undisclosed location and spoke for several hours.

“It’s a shame what happened to Frederick. I spoke with him personally, he is not that upset about it. He is doing alright. A little stiff! He likes going on walks. Walking. It’s good. It’s a good thing for statues.”

The president then began to mimic a statue and started to slowly walk around the stage in circles before his aides quickly pulled him off stage.

Frontier Field Hosts Paint Drying League to Make Up for Lack of Baseball

Rochester, NY –  News that the Red Wing’s 2020 season had been canceled left Frontier Field officials scrambling to find a way to fill the stands.

“We are all disappointed there will be no baseball this year,” one official told the blog, “but we think watching paint dry will be just as entertaining.”

During a press conference, officials from Frontier Field announced that the stadium will be hosting the National Paint Drying League (NPDL) for the rest of the summer.

“The NPDL knows they have big shoes to fill but they promise they will encourage their players to stand around and scratch their crotches just like baseball players do.”

Local Man Fired From Job Over Vocal Support of White Hots

Rochester, NY – A local man was fired from his job after a video of him ranting about his shameless love for white hots surfaced online. 

The video depicts Pittsford butcher, Frank Weisswurst, declaring white hots as the “master wiener” and labeling all other types of hot dog as “inferior.”

The video quickly went viral and outrage spread across Rochester. Soon the hashtags, #FireFrank and #CancelWhiteHots began trending on all social media platforms.

Community backlash soon led to Mr. Weisswurst being fired from his job. Efforts to ban the sale of white hots in the Rochester are now being considered.

Iron Smoke Hand Sanitizer Voted Rochester’s Best Tasting Alcohol

Rochester, NY – Iron Smoke’s new hand sanitizer has quickly become a favorite amongst germaphobes and liquor connoisseurs alike.

“This hand sanitizer is the best tasting thing to come out of this city.” An expert told the Blog. “It keeps you clean leaves you not being able to taste or smell a damn thing.”

The hand sanitizer recently won first place in a competition against rival drinkable cleaners, including bleach, hand soap and dish detergent.

 

Overpriced Mask Boutique Opens on Park Ave

Rochester, NY – Ever since Karen Stevens graduated from RIT with a degree in fashion design, she dreamed of opening up a trendy mask boutique on Park Ave.

“At first, I wasn’t sure if it would ever happen,” Karen told the blog, “but thankfully this global pandemic helped make my dreams a reality!”

The boutique specializes in the sale of boho-chic styled masks and additional designer face coverings from Europe.

“This style is totally in right now and only costs about $500,” She said while holding up a blood splattered surgeon’s mask.

“I want to make sure each mask has a story. That is why we make sure they come from the areas hardest hit by coronavirus.”

The Medley Center Prepares to Remain Closed for All Phases of NY Reopening

Rochester, NY – As Rochester continues to transition into phase two of reopening, workers at the Medley Center have been working tirelessly to ensure the doors never open.

“We have been making sure we keep all the floors nice and dirty,” One worker told the blog, “we gotta make sure it looks as abandoned as possible for all of the drivers on 104.”

Workers have spent days breaking windows and locking doors in preparation for the phase two closure.

“The pandemic has been tough on all of us but someone has to make sure this place looks like crap.”

Outside Squirrels to Blame for Inciting Violence at Seneca Park Zoo

Rochester, NY – Chaos erupted at the Seneca Park Zoo Saturday night after countless animals were released from their cages. They rampaged across the park and into the surrounding neighborhood, leaving copious amounts of dung and fur in their wake. 

The Rochester Police department tried to quell the violence but were forced to fall back after Bill the Rhinoceros flipped over multiple police cruisers. The SWAT team was soon called in and armed with tranquilizers, squeaky toys and milkbones, they quickly brought the rampage to an end.

At a press conference Sunday morning, Police Chief Singletary announced to the public that the animal riot was incited by outside squirrels. 

“This was the work of professional rodent agitators,” the police chief said, “what happened here today could only have been accomplished by anarchist squirrels.”

The Singletary said they made this conclusion after officers reported being pelted by large acorns and witnesses told police they saw hundreds of red and black squirrels in the vicinity of the Zoo.

“We will not allow our lovely community of caged animals to be tarnished by the work of professional squirrel agitators.”

Fairport Cyclist Flaunts New Bandana and Assless Chaps While Riding the Erie Canal

Fairport, NY – With nice weather beginning to hit the area, Fairport cyclist, James Edwards, decided to finally take his bicycle out for a spin.

“I’ve been waiting all winter to hear the chain on this baby purr.” He said pulling up his assless chaps.

“Something magical happens when the stench of the canal hits your nostrils and the wind tickles your bare ass.”

Unfortunately, accidents involving cyclists and pedestrians along the canal towpath have risen in recent years. James hopes this summer will be different.

“I don’t care if your child is learning to ride a bike or you are just trying to enjoy the weekend with your family.” he said while tying his new skull bandana around his head, “Pedestrians and amateur cyclists need to learn to share the canal.”

To let pedestrians know they are near a cyclist, James recommends screaming “on your left!” as loud as possible. If that doesn’t work, he suggests wearing assless chaps.

“That usually startles the families real good.”

RCSD Teachers Still Considered Unessential

Rochester, NY – As Rochester prepares to enter phase one of New York State’s coronavirus recovery plan, many have raised questions about what businesses and workers should be considered essential. 

The Rochester City School District wasted no time letting the public know their answer.

“We would like to reiterate that all teachers should be considered unessential.” An official for the district said during an impromptu press conference on Zoom.

“We believe that the only way to balance the budget and keep your children safe, is to make sure no teachers step foot into our schools for the foreseeable future.”

The district was already facing a massive budget deficit prior to the start of the coronavirus pandemic.