All posts by Jon Broida

10 Reasons to Go Back to Wegmans for a Third Time Today

One does not simply go to Wegmans once a day. Here are 10 reasons why you should go back a third time.

  1. You just spent over $100 on groceries but you forgot to grab something for dinner.
  2. You need a 12 pack of Ruby Red Kolsch to help you forget your obsession with Wegmans.
  3. You love waiting in line behind an old person who pays in coins.
  4. You enjoy risking your life in the Wegmans parking lot.
  5. You like getting exercise running through the store while your arms are full of groceries.
  6. You enjoy forgetting your reusable bag in the car.
  7. You live for the thrill of almost running into people with a shopping cart.
  8. You want to see if they finally made slices of your favorite pizza.
  9. You like to zig zag through aisles to avoid people you recognize.
  10. You are a masochist who gets off on going to Wegmans.

Chuck Schumer’s Friends Sorry They Missed His Conference at the Bug Jar

Rochester, NY – After performing a killer conference at the Bug Jar, Chuck Schumer was surprised to see a nearly empty pit below stage.

“Strange, so many of my friends said they were going to make it to the conference,” Chuck thought to himself as he watched his aides pack up his equipment. “Maybe they got lost.” Before he could finish the thought his phone started to ring. It was Kirsten Gillibrand.

“Chuck! I am so sorry I didn’t make it to the conference! I got tied up with work at home.” Kirsten said as she turned on Netflix and grabbed her giant bowl of popcorn. “Don’t worry I will make it to the next one!”

A little bit later he got a call from his buddy Andrew Cuomo. “Chuck! Sorry I missed your conference. I really wanted to go!,” Andrew said as he finished rolling up a fat blunt. “When is your next one? I promise I will make it!”

Monroe County Health Department Advises Wearing Two Condoms for Valentine’s Day

Brockport, NY – At a public forum, the Monroe County Health Department announced that couples should wear two condoms on Valentine’s Day.

“Valentine’s Day has the potential to be a super spreader event.” The Commissioner of Public Health told attendees, “we urge the public to wear at least two contraceptive devices during intercourse.”

A recent study found that wearing two tight fitting condoms substantially reduces the risk of contracting an STD and COVID-19.

“Love is in the air and so is COVID-19.” The Commissioner said, “If we can’t convince people to wear a mask, hopefully we can convince them to wear a condom.”

Monroe County announced that the campaign slogan will be, Don’t be a fool, double wrap your tool, will be displayed on all highway signs over the weekend.

Rochester Man Certain Running in Blizzard on Busy Road Provides the Best Workout

Rochester, NY – With nearly 10 inches of snow on the ground and near white out conditions, Rochester man, John Doe, decided to go for an early morning run.

“What a beautiful morning. “local exercise fanatic, John Doe, said as he squeezed into his pitch black spandex leggings at 5am.

Countless car accidents and widespread power outages were reported across the area but that didn’t deter John.

“I’m not going to let a little snow get in the way of my cardio,” he thought to himself as a passing car lost traction and careened off the road beside him.

“Running on a road built for fast moving vehicles is way better than the sidewalk built for pedestrians!”

RPD Adds Toddler Car Seats to Squad Vehicles

Rochester, NY – During a Monday morning press conference, Rochester’s Police Chief announced that all patrol vehicles will be outfitted with toddler car seats.

“These car seats are state of the art child detainment devices,” the police chief told reporters. “They will ensure our brave officers are safe from a small child throwing a tantrum.”

The military grade seats are equipped with steel restraints, light up handcuffs and a cute anti-bite muzzle. They are the first step in implementing the RPD’s new “Stop and Spank” policy.

“Our community has been under assault by crying toddlers for far too long,” the Chief said, “in order to make our city safe, we need to work together to ensure that excessive force is used to discipline all children.”

Penfield Family Demands Santa Wear a Mask Before Entering Chimney

Penfield, NY – With COVID-19 continuing to spread across Monroe county, one local family decided not to take any chances this holiday season.

“Little Billy really wanted to ask Santa for a PS5 this year,” Billy’s mother told the blog, “but I thought it would be better if he wrote a letter demanding Santa follow all COVID-19 related guidelines before entering this house.”

The letter also contains a detailed plan for sanitizing Santa’s workshop and culling the entire reindeer population in the North Pole to prevent the virus from spreading.

“He darn well better have quarantined for at least 15 days before setting foot in our chimney,” Billy’s father said, “he might be an asymptomatic spreader of COVID and holiday cheer.”

The family decided this year it would be best if they leave sanitizer and rapid COVID-19 tests for Santa instead of milk and cookies.

Old Person in Wegmans Comes to a Complete Stop for No Apparent Reason

Penfield, NY – An all too common scene of confusion and frustration unfolded inside Wegmans early Sunday morning when an elderly person came to an abrupt stop while pushing her cart.

“It was almost poetic,” one shopper told the Blog, “There she stood, grasping her cart, staring blankly into the produce section. Was she lost in thought or was she just lost inside Wegmans?”

More and more shoppers began to line up behind her as the elderly person took out her lengthy shopping list.

“She began to slowly cross off items on her list one at a time,” another shopper said, “she had no idea fifty people were waiting for her to move to grab a carton of eggs.”

Ghost of Susan B. Anthony Arrested for Not Floating Six Feet Away in Voting Line

Rochester, NY – Chaos erupted outside of an early voting site yesterday morning, after the ghost of Susan B. Anthony showed up to cast her ballot. 

Witnesses say that the 114 year old apparition just appeared out of thin air and began loudly declaring her right to vote. Many bystanders were startled and some were a little upset.

“She just floated right through me while I was standing in line and she wasn’t even wearing a mask!” one disgusted voter said.

Efforts to encourage the ghost of Anthony to abide by social distancing guidelines failed and soon after the police were called.

“This is a clear case of voter intimidation,” an official from the Board of Elections told the Blog, “a polling site is no place for an unwelcomed haunting.”

Gates Bus Driver Accused of Driving Sober

Gates, NY – The Gates-Chili school district announced Monday that they were investigating reports of a bus driver driving completely sober.

“It is truly shocking that someone would dare  get behind the wheel of a school bus without a drop of alcohol in their system.” One school official said.

Witnesses say that the bus driver was seen obeying all traffic laws and driving exactly the speed limit while children were on board.

“What kind of sick person would use their turn signal in this day and age?” A parent told the Blog, “I don’t pay high taxes so my children can get to school safely!”

Fortunately, no students were injured and many were too high to remember their harrowing experience on the bus.

Rochesterians Excited to Vote for a Bunch of Local Politicians They Know Nothing About

Rochester, NY – Election season is in full swing and local residents could not be more excited to exercise their right to vote for someone they know absolutely nothing about.

“Sometimes I just close my eyes and hope I fill in a bubble on the ballot,” one voter told the Blog, “but usually I just pick the candidate with the funniest name.”

Excitement for the upcoming elections has taken the suburbs by storm, where lawn signs supporting candidates no one has ever heard of can be seen everywhere.

“I don’t know who these people are or what they stand for,” one resident said, “but Lord knows I am going to blindly vote for all the candidates affiliated with my political party.”