Brockport, NY – After Vladamir Putin’s unprovoked invasion of Ukraine displaced millions and created an unprecedented refugee crisis in Europe, SUNY Brockport’s administration thought it was the perfect time for students to learn about Putin’s contributions to human rights across the globe.
“Putin has a long history of supporting human rights,” one administrator told the Blog, “from enslaving dissidents for a lifetime in the Gulag, to murdering defenseless civilians in the Ukraine.”
The talk took place virtually inside a large auditorium to avoid the hundreds of protestors outside. After the students were seated, Putin called in and he was displayed over a large projector screen.
He began the address by chugging half a bottle of premium Russian vodka and taking off his shirt. He then demanded all students begin singing the Russian national anthem. Soon after his broadcast was abruptly cut short.
Rochester, NY – RIT Scientists announced an amazing scientific discovery that may prove the missing link between Wegmans and Tops shoppers.
“A long lost and thought to be extinct, evolutionary ancestor was found pulling a shopping cart in a similar way that primates do today,” scientists announced at a press conference.
The behavior was thought to be a trait of early bipedal hominids.
“We are not sure how he got here but we suspect he became trapped in the frozen food section thousands of years ago while deciding which brand of peas to purchase,” one scientist told the blog.
These findings give hope that additional archaic human ancestors will be found including the ones that take 10 minutes to back into a parking spot and the slow walker missing link.
Greece, NY – Last week, the chief of police for the Greece Police Department announced stricter measures to hide police misconduct.
“I want to apologize to the public for our failure to hide crimes committed by our officers.” the new Greece Police chief told reporters. “We are above the law and we need to make sure everyone knows it.”
When asked about recent allegations of police misconduct, the chief responded that they, “need to do a better job of protecting officers from prosecution.”
Rochester, NY – We stopped by a run down apartment complex in Greece to learn how divorcees were reacting to the change.
“Finally! I don’t have to hold all of my Healthy Choice frozen dinners and men’s health magazines under one arm.” One divorcee told the Blog, “I just hope Wegmans doesn’t take them away again like my ex wife took the kids.”
While the change is welcomed by many, some worry that it may have unprecedented consequences.
“Nice! Now I can carry even more Genny lights to drink!”
Rochester, NY – Researchers announced findings from a new study that found 100% of the assholes tailgating you in a raised pickup truck are from Greece.
“Our study indicates that Greece was the epicenter of the douchebaggery,” one scientist told the Blog. “The outcome of our research is surprising to no one.”
The report also concluded that “bros” tailgating you like a dick were likely to have trucks with blacked out rims and a thin blue line flag in their back window.
Albany, NY – Last Tuesday, Andrew announced a plan to help curb the epidemic of gun violence plaguing New York State.
“A pistol with a mask on can save a life,” Cuomo said during Tuesday’s press conference, “that is why I am requiring all guns to be masked before firing.”
Gun owners will be required to stand six feet apart before shooting.
“One mask may have trouble stopping a bullet but two masks might work better.” Cuomo told reporters.
Rochester, NY – This years Food Truck Rodeo is set to be a real belt burster. Fortunately, plumbers are hosting their annual convention at the same time.
“I was planning on absolutely destroying my toilet after eating my seventh fish taco.” one rodeo attendee told the Blog. “These plumbers will surely have their work cut out for them.”
“We are happy to help clean up after glutinous poor decisions,” a plumber told the blog, “it’s our job and we are damn proud to do it!”
Many have been inspired to stuff their face with as many food truck goodies as possible.
“This Macarollin truck has no idea what it is in for!” Another rodeo attendee said, “I am going to crap my brains out with no regrets!”
Rochester, NY – We sat down with the Rochester Rhinos last two fans on a dreary side street near the former stadium to find out their thoughts on the team’s new owner.
“We are excited that a mediocre soccer star from the UK will help put this team back on the radar of middle class soccer parents in the suburbs.” One fan told the blog.
“I can’t wait to take my son to the Rhinos first game back so he can experience the feeling of mild disappointment when they lose!” The other fan said.
Rochester, NY – Governor Cuomo recently announced a contest that could send vaccinated SUNY students to the college of their dreams.
“We know that for many of you, a SUNY school was not your first choice,” Cuomo told students, “that is why we want to give everyone who skipped their SAT because they were hungover a second chance.”
SUNY students were thrilled to learn they have a chance to transfer out of their “safety-school” just by getting vaccinated.
“This is a life changing opportunity for young New Yorkers to move out of state and never come back.” Cuomo told students. “Now, you can save lives while also saving your future.”
Penfield, NY – Rising gas prices forced one Penfield mom to take drastic measures.
“I’m going to show you how to save money at the pump.” Karen Doe told her son as she started the engine of her oversized SUV.
After driving 150 miles, Karen finally made it to the gas station she learned about in a Facebook has finder group.
“Here it is,” a satisfied Karen said, “and it is 2¢ cheaper than any gas station by our home.”
After spending nearly $100 filling her tank, Karen and her son drove home, only stopping for a refill once.