ROCHESTER, NY — In an aggressive new approach to the city’s rodent problem, Rochester officials have hired a team of mountain lions to patrol local bagel shops as part of an anti-rat initiative known as “RAWR.” City leaders say the large, apex predators bring “a much-needed sense of fear” to a problem previously addressed with bait traps and calling rat droppings an “everything” bagel topping.

“They’ve already cleared out two Bruegger’s and are actively tearing through Bagel Land,” said Mayor Evans, adding that the program has achieved a 97% rat reduction rate and only “a handful of unfortunate customer encounters.” The mayor also noted that RAWR has proven more effective in one week than “most city departments do in an entire fiscal year.”

Officials plan to reopen affected bagel locations once blood, fur, and paw-shaped wall gashes are professionally cleaned. As of press time, the city confirmed one of the lions had gone off-grid and is presumed to be conducting “independent inspections” in residential neighborhoods. Residents are advised to secure pets and switch to English Muffins for a while.