All posts by Jon Broida

Outside Squirrels to Blame for Inciting Violence at Seneca Park Zoo

Rochester, NY – Chaos erupted at the Seneca Park Zoo Saturday night after countless animals were released from their cages. They rampaged across the park and into the surrounding neighborhood, leaving copious amounts of dung and fur in their wake. 

The Rochester Police department tried to quell the violence but were forced to fall back after Bill the Rhinoceros flipped over multiple police cruisers. The SWAT team was soon called in and armed with tranquilizers, squeaky toys and milkbones, they quickly brought the rampage to an end.

At a press conference Sunday morning, Police Chief Singletary announced to the public that the animal riot was incited by outside squirrels. 

“This was the work of professional rodent agitators,” the police chief said, “what happened here today could only have been accomplished by anarchist squirrels.”

The Singletary said they made this conclusion after officers reported being pelted by large acorns and witnesses told police they saw hundreds of red and black squirrels in the vicinity of the Zoo.

“We will not allow our lovely community of caged animals to be tarnished by the work of professional squirrel agitators.”

Fairport Cyclist Flaunts New Bandana and Assless Chaps While Riding the Erie Canal

Fairport, NY – With nice weather beginning to hit the area, Fairport cyclist, James Edwards, decided to finally take his bicycle out for a spin.

“I’ve been waiting all winter to hear the chain on this baby purr.” He said pulling up his assless chaps.

“Something magical happens when the stench of the canal hits your nostrils and the wind tickles your bare ass.”

Unfortunately, accidents involving cyclists and pedestrians along the canal towpath have risen in recent years. James hopes this summer will be different.

“I don’t care if your child is learning to ride a bike or you are just trying to enjoy the weekend with your family.” he said while tying his new skull bandana around his head, “Pedestrians and amateur cyclists need to learn to share the canal.”

To let pedestrians know they are near a cyclist, James recommends screaming “on your left!” as loud as possible. If that doesn’t work, he suggests wearing assless chaps.

“That usually startles the families real good.”

RCSD Teachers Still Considered Unessential

Rochester, NY – As Rochester prepares to enter phase one of New York State’s coronavirus recovery plan, many have raised questions about what businesses and workers should be considered essential. 

The Rochester City School District wasted no time letting the public know their answer.

“We would like to reiterate that all teachers should be considered unessential.” An official for the district said during an impromptu press conference on Zoom.

“We believe that the only way to balance the budget and keep your children safe, is to make sure no teachers step foot into our schools for the foreseeable future.”

The district was already facing a massive budget deficit prior to the start of the coronavirus pandemic.

 

Spikes Charged After Regurgitating on Officer at Reopen Rochester Protest

Rochester, NY – Demonstrators gathered in downtown Rochester this past weekend to demand that all businesses closed due to the COVID-19 pandemic be allowed to reopen.

The quiet protest was abruptly interrupted when Spikes, the mascot for the Rochester Red Wings, arrived and started shouting obscenities about the government while energetically waving a sign reading, “GIVE ME BASEBALL OR GIVE ME DEATH!”

“Initially, I was excited to have his support but then Spikes started squawking in everyone’s face,” one protest organizer told the blog, “I was worried he might have bird flu.”

Police monitoring the situation jumped into action to try and calm the large bird mascot but Spikes began to aggressively flap his wings and call the approaching officers fascists.

When officers tried to subdue him, Spikes began regurgitating half-eaten garbage plate and beer on top of them.

Spikes is charged with harassment and assaulting an officer. He is being held in the county jail without bail.

Scientists Find Way to Inject Ruby Red Kolsch Directly Into Happiness Center of the Brain

Rochester, NY – A group of local neuroscientists recently announced that they have found evidence that injecting Genesee’s Ruby Red Kolsch directly into the brain causes immense pleasure and euphoria.

“We always suspected that the Ruby Red’s crisp and refreshing properties could serve as an antidepressant,” one neuroscientist told the Blog, “now we have delicious tarty proof it actually does.”

The discovery was made after researchers injected the kolsch directly into their test subject’s brain.

“We found that the Ruby Red stimulated all areas of the brain that are associated with happiness.” The neuroscientist said as he cracked open a beer. “Science never tasted so good.”

 

100 Foot Tall Dr. Mike Mendoza Fights Giant Coronavirus Monster in Downtown Rochester

Rochester, NY – Onlookers, quarantined in their homes, could only look on in horror as a giant coronavirus monster terrorized downtown Rochester.

The monster reportedly appeared out of thin air and began violently coughing on innocent bystanders standing six feet apart.   

“It was absolutely terrifying,” one survivor told the blog, “it didn’t even wash its hands before eating an entire RTS bus.”

Just as all seemed lost, Monroe County’s Commissioner of Public Health, Dr. Michael Mendoza arrived to save the day.

“Alright monster, it is time to make sure you practice social distancing… for good.” the 100 foot tall commissioner said as he snapped on his face mask.

The creature aggressively charged Dr. Mendoza but the commissioner skillfully maintained physical distance and swiftly blocked the monster’s attacks with his elbows.

Annoyed, the coronavirus monster started to deeply inhale as if it was preparing to unleash a massive upersonic viral sneeze. But the quick thinking doctor slipped a large testing swab deep in its nasal passage.

The stunned creature was defenseless as Dr. Mendoza stuck a large antiviral syringe into it’s left arm. The creature quickly began to shrink until it disappeared entirely.

Thunderous applause and enthusiastic cheers rang out  from the balconies and windows of Rochester’s quarantined residents. 

“Now that is what I call… flattening the curve.” The victorious Dr. Mendoza smugly said as he took off his single use gloves.

Giant Dome Appears Over East Rochester

Rochester, NY –  Residents of East Rochester awoke to a startling discovery Saturday morning when they found that their town had been encased in a giant dome overnight.

Local authorities urged the public not to panic and said that this extreme measure was taken to protect residents from the coronavirus pandemic.

“Until recently, our beautiful town had been spared from the virus,” a town official said, “now that we have confirmed cases in the area, drastic measures must be taken to mitigate the spread.”

Residents were able to voice their concerns about the new dome using a popular video conferencing app. Cost was a major issue for many but the officials were prepared.

“By not providing children with proper transportation to school, we were able to save up enough money to completely cover the cost of the dome.” One official said.

“Rest assured knowing your children will never have to brave inclement weather again because East Rochester will never experience weather again, thanks to this wonderful dome.”

Promo Girls Offering Free Samples of Coronavirus on East and Alexander

Rochester, NY – Patrons celebrating St. Patrick’s Day on East and Alexander were treated to an unexpected surprise after two girls showed up offering free samples of coronavirus.

“I am usually pretty picky when it comes to trying new viral infections,” one patron said, “but it’s free and these girls really know how to cough in your face.”

Local college student, Ashley Johnson, started spring break early after her college abruptly closed due to fears over the growing coronavirus pandemic.

“I tried out COVID-19 while I was in Italy for my study abroad program,” Ashley told the Blog, “I really enjoyed it and thought why not make a few extra bucks spreading it to others?”

Wegmans Begins Transition to Reusable Toilet Paper

Rochester, NY – Growing fear over the spread of coronavirus has caused panicked shoppers to begin stockpiling toilet paper. The surge in demand has led to widespread shortages across the area and forced Wegmans to begin selling reusable toilet paper.

“Our reusable toilet paper is ethically sourced and made from only the highest quality canvas material,” a Wegmans spokesperson told the blog. “The fabrics high thread count minimizes chafing and maximizes cleanup efficiency.”

Environmentalists have applauded Wegmans for their commitment to recycling and sustainability.

“Each roll contains 80% post-consumer recycled fecal matter, all of which is generated by customers returning their reusable toilet paper to the store.” The Wegmans spokesperson said.

Wegmans hopes that their reusable toilet paper will catch on with shoppers so that they can eliminate single use toilet paper entirely. 

“The company is aware that not all customers will find the transition to reusable toilet paper easy,” the spokesperson said, “so we will provide Helping Hands services to any shopper who needs help wiping in store or at home.”

Hilton Man Proudly Unveils New “Black Trucks Matter” Sticker

Hilton, NY – Decades of discrimination against black trucks in the United States finally forced Hilton resident, Kyle Smith, to take action.

“It is time I take a stand for the rights of black truck drivers everywhere.” Kyle told the Blog, “I hope every person I cut-off on the highway will see this bumper sticker and think about all the prejudice black truck drivers endure.”

The black trucks matter movement took off after footage from a police bodycam caught an officer lawfully ticketing the driver of a black truck for driving forty miles over the speed limit.

It’s outrageous,” Kyle said, “Next thing you know, the cops will be pulling us over for not using our turn signals!”

Kyle plans to tailgate as many people as possible on 590 and 490 in a show of solidarity with his black truck brothers.