All posts by Jon Broida

Wegmans Begins Transition to Reusable Toilet Paper

Rochester, NY – Growing fear over the spread of coronavirus has caused panicked shoppers to begin stockpiling toilet paper. The surge in demand has led to widespread shortages across the area and forced Wegmans to begin selling reusable toilet paper.

“Our reusable toilet paper is ethically sourced and made from only the highest quality canvas material,” a Wegmans spokesperson told the blog. “The fabrics high thread count minimizes chafing and maximizes cleanup efficiency.”

Environmentalists have applauded Wegmans for their commitment to recycling and sustainability.

“Each roll contains 80% post-consumer recycled fecal matter, all of which is generated by customers returning their reusable toilet paper to the store.” The Wegmans spokesperson said.

Wegmans hopes that their reusable toilet paper will catch on with shoppers so that they can eliminate single use toilet paper entirely. 

“The company is aware that not all customers will find the transition to reusable toilet paper easy,” the spokesperson said, “so we will provide Helping Hands services to any shopper who needs help wiping in store or at home.”

Hilton Man Proudly Unveils New “Black Trucks Matter” Sticker

Hilton, NY – Decades of discrimination against black trucks in the United States finally forced Hilton resident, Kyle Smith, to take action.

“It is time I take a stand for the rights of black truck drivers everywhere.” Kyle told the Blog, “I hope every person I cut-off on the highway will see this bumper sticker and think about all the prejudice black truck drivers endure.”

The black trucks matter movement took off after footage from a police bodycam caught an officer lawfully ticketing the driver of a black truck for driving forty miles over the speed limit.

It’s outrageous,” Kyle said, “Next thing you know, the cops will be pulling us over for not using our turn signals!”

Kyle plans to tailgate as many people as possible on 590 and 490 in a show of solidarity with his black truck brothers.

Rochester Ranked Best Metropolitan Job Market for Drug Dealers in United States

Rochester, NY – Research conducted by a reputable business journal found that Rochester ranks as the best city to score a fat bag of your favorite illegal substance in the United States.

Rank was determined by a series of tests based on information from each city’s drug marketplace. Rochester scored highest in drug diversity, dealer response time and customer satisfaction.

“I can’t imagine a better city to get high in,” one local drug user told the Blog, “I can always find the best drugs even though I can’t find my pants.”

However, not everyone was happy with the business journal’s findings.

“I think we still have a lot of work to do before we can call Rochester the best,” a city official said in response to the report, “I bought a zip last weekend and it was definitely cut with something. It barely got me high at all!”

Rochester’s local drug dealer union is happy to be ranked the best in the country and hope to maintain that title for years to come.

 

Study: Everyone In Pittsford Wegmans Parking Lot Just Winging It

Pittsford, NY – An investigation by the Inner Loop Blog revealed that no one has a clue how to drive in the Wegmans parking lot.

“They really expect us to stop at the fake stop signs?” Pittsford resident, Wendy Smith, told the blog after doing her weekend shopping. “I thought they were just a suggestion.”

The vehicular chaos has forced Wegmans to implement an “every shopper for themselves” policy.

“No one really wants to slow down when driving into a condensed area filled with cars and pedestrians,” a spokesman for Wegmans said, “so please, make sure all of your children are completely covered in bubble wrap before bravely exiting your vehicle.”

Wegmans Hiring “Produce Security” to Prevent Avocado Fondling

Rochester, NY – Shoppers were startled to find armed guards patrolling the produce sections of their favorite Wegmans. The security increase is in response to an epidemic of avocado fondling that has taken the Rochester area by storm.

A spokesperson for Wegmans told the Inner Loop Blog that since Super Bowl Sunday, they have received hundreds of reports of fruit groping near avocado stands in the produce section.

“The majority of fruit fondling complaints used to center around the banana and melon stands,” the spokesperson said, “now avophilia has become a serious problem as well.” 

Defenders of avocado fondling claim that they are just trying to find the ripest fruit to make the tastiest guacamole but some are not so sure.

One victim of avocado fondling emotionally recounted her story about having to break up with her boyfriend of six years after catching him inappropriately touching an avocado.

“I had no idea he was an avophiliac until I caught him in the act,” she said, “I just wish he would have gently caressed me like he did all those wrinkled green fruit.”

Fortunately, reports of avocado fondling have dropped significantly since Wegmans introduced armed security but some customers are still concerned.

“One thing is for sure,” a customer told the Blog, “the produce section will never be the same.”  

Turf War Erupts Between South Wedge and Park Ave Hipsters

Rochester, NY – Residents awoke to find the streets still stained with the kombucha and blood of hipsters slain in renewed violence between the South Wedge and Park Ave neighborhoods.

Witnesses told reporters that the violence erupted after members from the Park Ave gang cycled into the South Wedge territory and began shouting that Boulder Coffee does not use ethically sourced coffee beans. Infuriated, South Wedge gang members responded by throwing Doc Martens through the window of the Red Fern. 

“The smell of death and beard cream still hangs in the air.” one resident said while shaking his head.

Officials estimate that over 30 South Wedge and Park Ave vegetarian hipsters were killed, with at least 15 more vegans wounded.

Danny Wegman Peels Out of Parking Lot in Ferrari Filled With Plastic Bags

Pittsford, NY – Shoppers at the Pittsford Wegmans were treated to an unexpected show when Danny Wegman abruptly tore it out of the parking lot in his red Ferrari.

Witnesses said that before Mr. Wegman entered the vehicle, they saw him sprinting out of the store carrying a large amount of plastic bags and laughing maniacally.

“It was kinda strange,” one bystander told reporters, “he kept yelling that all the plastic bags were now his and no one had the power to stop him.”

Pedestrians looked on as Mr. Wegman gunned it towards the exit leaving a trail of plastic bags in his wake.