All posts by Jon Broida

Rochester Ranked Best Metropolitan Job Market for Drug Dealers in United States

Rochester, NY – Research conducted by a reputable business journal found that Rochester ranks as the best city to score a fat bag of your favorite illegal substance in the United States.

Rank was determined by a series of tests based on information from each city’s drug marketplace. Rochester scored highest in drug diversity, dealer response time and customer satisfaction.

“I can’t imagine a better city to get high in,” one local drug user told the Blog, “I can always find the best drugs even though I can’t find my pants.”

However, not everyone was happy with the business journal’s findings.

“I think we still have a lot of work to do before we can call Rochester the best,” a city official said in response to the report, “I bought a zip last weekend and it was definitely cut with something. It barely got me high at all!”

Rochester’s local drug dealer union is happy to be ranked the best in the country and hope to maintain that title for years to come.

 

Study: Everyone In Pittsford Wegmans Parking Lot Just Winging It

Pittsford, NY – An investigation by the Inner Loop Blog revealed that no one has a clue how to drive in the Wegmans parking lot.

“They really expect us to stop at the fake stop signs?” Pittsford resident, Wendy Smith, told the blog after doing her weekend shopping. “I thought they were just a suggestion.”

The vehicular chaos has forced Wegmans to implement an “every shopper for themselves” policy.

“No one really wants to slow down when driving into a condensed area filled with cars and pedestrians,” a spokesman for Wegmans said, “so please, make sure all of your children are completely covered in bubble wrap before bravely exiting your vehicle.”

Wegmans Hiring “Produce Security” to Prevent Avocado Fondling

Rochester, NY – Shoppers were startled to find armed guards patrolling the produce sections of their favorite Wegmans. The security increase is in response to an epidemic of avocado fondling that has taken the Rochester area by storm.

A spokesperson for Wegmans told the Inner Loop Blog that since Super Bowl Sunday, they have received hundreds of reports of fruit groping near avocado stands in the produce section.

“The majority of fruit fondling complaints used to center around the banana and melon stands,” the spokesperson said, “now avophilia has become a serious problem as well.” 

Defenders of avocado fondling claim that they are just trying to find the ripest fruit to make the tastiest guacamole but some are not so sure.

One victim of avocado fondling emotionally recounted her story about having to break up with her boyfriend of six years after catching him inappropriately touching an avocado.

“I had no idea he was an avophiliac until I caught him in the act,” she said, “I just wish he would have gently caressed me like he did all those wrinkled green fruit.”

Fortunately, reports of avocado fondling have dropped significantly since Wegmans introduced armed security but some customers are still concerned.

“One thing is for sure,” a customer told the Blog, “the produce section will never be the same.”  

Turf War Erupts Between South Wedge and Park Ave Hipsters

Rochester, NY – Residents awoke to find the streets still stained with the kombucha and blood of hipsters slain in renewed violence between the South Wedge and Park Ave neighborhoods.

Witnesses told reporters that the violence erupted after members from the Park Ave gang cycled into the South Wedge territory and began shouting that Boulder Coffee does not use ethically sourced coffee beans. Infuriated, South Wedge gang members responded by throwing Doc Martens through the window of the Red Fern. 

“The smell of death and beard cream still hangs in the air.” one resident said while shaking his head.

Officials estimate that over 30 South Wedge and Park Ave vegetarian hipsters were killed, with at least 15 more vegans wounded.

Danny Wegman Peels Out of Parking Lot in Ferrari Filled With Plastic Bags

Pittsford, NY – Shoppers at the Pittsford Wegmans were treated to an unexpected show when Danny Wegman abruptly tore it out of the parking lot in his red Ferrari.

Witnesses said that before Mr. Wegman entered the vehicle, they saw him sprinting out of the store carrying a large amount of plastic bags and laughing maniacally.

“It was kinda strange,” one bystander told reporters, “he kept yelling that all the plastic bags were now his and no one had the power to stop him.”

Pedestrians looked on as Mr. Wegman gunned it towards the exit leaving a trail of plastic bags in his wake.

Pittsford Woman Terrified to Learn That East Rochester Exists

Pittsford, NY – Whiteout conditions on I-490 east caused Pittsford native, Karen Fisher, to get off at the wrong exit on her way home.

Not exactly sure where she was, Karen reluctantly continued driving and hoped that a familiar landmark would catch her eye. Then without warning, the hulking shell of a dilapidated Wegmans came into view.

“Oh my God, what is this place?” She thought to herself as she quickly locked the doors of her brand new BMW X5.

Filled with terror, Karen frantically whipped her SUV around and sped back towards the highway. As she neared the onramp, she took one last look in her rearview mirror and spotted a sign that said, “Welcome to East Rochester.” Karen promised never to return.

Homeowner Sues Lake Ontario for Violating Property Lines

Irondequoit, NY – An Irondequoit man filed a lawsuit against Lake Ontario for intentionally ignoring the boundaries of his lake-shore property.

“I never thought that owning a home directly next to a massive body of volatile liquid would cause me so many problems,” Williams told reporters.

According to the lawsuit, Lake Ontario intentionally raised its water level and made unwanted advances onto Mr. William’s property without asking his permission. The suit also alleges that Mr. Williams tried to talk with the lake on numerous occasions, but all efforts failed.

“I have owned this house for half of my life,” Williams told reporters, “I am not going to let some lake that has been here for thousands of years get the best of me!” Lake Ontario did not immediately respond to requests for comment

Kodak Announces New Business Strategy to Fall Back Into Bankruptcy

Rochester, NY- Last Tuesday, Kodak executives rang in the new year by hosting a press conference to announce their new business strategy that will allow the company to fall back into bankruptcy. 

“Kodak has come a long way since first filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in 2012,” a spokesperson for the company said, “we believe that it is time for us to do it again.”

In it’s heyday, the Kodak brand was globally recognized and the company spent years dominating the photographic film business. Then the company decided it would be best to just f*** it all up.

“We know this will come as a surprise to many,” the spokesperson said, “but we feel that bankruptcy gives us the best opportunity to move forward and lay off as many employees as possible.”

Details of the plan are said to promote the complacency of Kodak’s executives while reinforcing their ignorance and failure to adapt in the face of technological change.

“Kodak?” local resident, Peter Smith, said when asked about the company’s new strategy, “I do not even know what that is.”

Two Friends Just “Catching Up” In Middle of Wegmans Aisle Cause Deadly Shopping Cart Pileup

Penfield, NY – A massive chain-reaction pileup on aisle 5A in Wegmans late Friday afternoon left dozens injured and at least two dead, authorities said.

Over 26 shopping carts crashed after long-time friends, Ashley Smith and Dave Miller, just happened to run into each other while running errands.

“It was just so unexpected,” Ashley told reporters, “I haven’t seen Dave since our yoga class at the Y last night and I just had to know how his kids were doing.”

Jacob Thomas, 32, was picking up a bag of potato chips on his way to the checkouts when he suddenly heard enthusiastic squeals coming from two women at the end of the aisle. Thomas told reporters that by the time he looked up to see them excitedly embracing each other, it was too late.

“I heard one of them asking about their kid’s hockey tournament in Webster next weekend,” he said, “that is when I saw the first cart collide into boxes of microwave popcorn.”

As more shoppers entered the aisle, Thomas said that some people tried to politely get their attention, but they were too busy discussing the details of Ashley’s upcoming family vacation to their timeshare in North Carolina’s Outer Banks.

The ensuing chaos caused more and more shopping carts to crash, pinning many under vast quantities of produce and canned goods.

“I thought I may have heard screams of anguish,” Ashley said, “but I just assumed it was coming from the Wkids babysitting area.”

Fortunately, Ashley and Dave were able to fully catch up as paramedics tended to the victims.

“I have never seen so much carnage in all my years,” one paramedic recalled, “it was difficult to separate the injured from the large Family Packs of ground beef.”

This comes just days after 3 shoppers were critically injured after being run over by an elderly woman gunning it out of frozen foods on her motor scooter.