All posts by Shane Allen

Comedian and Creator of The Inner Loop Blog

Experts Worried About Western NY Confidence Crash, Petition Bills to Lose as Reminder “Life Sucks”

Buffalo, NY – Local mental health experts report that Western NY confidence has not been this high since right before the stock market crashed in 1929. Their shared worry is that if the Buffalo Bills continue to be undefeated for much longer, that when they do lose, the inflated sense of “things being good” will burst, and local relationships will suffer because of it.

“These Bills fans are putting all their eggs in one basket,” says psychologist Kelsey Gomath. “Through testing, I have found the majority of my client’s wellbeing now is completely dependent on Josh Allen. While they derive no happiness from family or work, they are learning they can count on that young man’s rocket arm to bring them joy on Sundays. It’s simply not sustainable.”

Gomath and her colleagues are petitioning to the Buffalo Bills organization to throw the next game to bring confidence levels down to Earth.

Local Man Hits Milestone: 30 Years of Not Knowing How To Merge Off Can Of Worms

Rochester, NY – Tom Lorco of Webster just unknowingly hit an important anniversary for any Rochesterian. After 30 years of doing the same commute, he’s still not figured out how to merge at the intersection of Interstate 490 and 590. Known locally as the Can Of Worms.

Lorco takes 490 east home and when it’s time to get onto 590 north near Blossom, his mind reportedly goes blank. He then proceeds to slow down to a screeching halt, not use his turn signal, block traffic, and sit there timidly until some other person who does not know how to drive lets him into the lane.

Experts predict Lorco’s driving has caused at least 10 fender benders in his lifetime and also at least 50 divorces by the stress he causes other drivers.

Mayor Warren Honored By RTS For Amount Of People She’s Thrown Under The Bus

Rochester, NY –  Based on Mayor Warren’s work this week firing Rochester Police Chief La’Ron Singletary, suspending her communications director and the city’s attorney, and using several interviews to blame everyone for not telling her the real story about Daniel Prude’s death, RTS has announced they will be awarding her a major honor.

Once a year the public transportation service honors an employee with their coveted Golden Bus Pass, but based on her amazing ability to deflect, they have decided for the first time to give it to a non-driver, and send it to the Mayor’s Office. According to a press release, the trophy was awarded to her for “contributions to public transportation by throwing everyone under the bus.”

With everything that’s going on for the Mayor, it’s at least nice that she doesn’t have to deal with a Grand Jury investigating her 2017 campaign money. Oh wait. She does. Our bad. Rough year huh?

Bills Stadium to Start Playing Feint Sounds of Fans Vomiting to Maintain Home Game Realism

Orchard Park, NY – The Buffalo Bills got their first victory of the year on Sunday by beating the Jets, but the players all agree there was something missing from the stadium without fans in the stands.

“I miss the crowd singing the shout song and I especially miss the dudes throwing up in the second quarter because they couldn’t pace themself during the tailgate,” said one anonymous Bills player.

To help maintain the realism of what it’s like to play in front of Bills fans, the organization is asking people to send in clips of themselves vomiting so that they can mix that audio with the league approved fake crowd noise. The instructions specify to “please make it a chicken wing induced hurl, and yes, we will be able to tell the difference by how it sounds.”

“Thanks for Canceling Plastic Bags” Says Lake Ontario Fish After Eating Fifth Facemask Today

Durand Beach – The local fish population has reached out to The Innerloop Blog to let us know that they’re super excited that the amount of Wegmans bags they’ve eaten this year has dropped significantly.

They also let us know that they’re super pumped about the new facemask treats Rochesterians are leaving flying around on beaches. One fish told us “the light dash of COVID tastes like truffle oil to us under the sea.”

Our writer tried to explain to the fish that those are not edible, but unfortunately, the acid he was on wore off.

Trump Locks up Webster Vote, Pardons Parents Who’ve Been Kicked Out of Their Kid’s Game

Washington D.C. – President Trump is doubling down on his efforts to capture the votes of Rochester women by adding onto his pardon of Susan B Anthony.

Insider sources say that during his RNC speech, he will be pardoning any parent that has ever been kicked out of their child’s game for yelling at a volunteer referee, another parent, their child, or another kid playing the sport.

According to the “Webster Mom’s Facebook Group”, he now officially has their endorsement.  The Brighton Mom’s Facebook Group is waiting to see if he’ll pardon “people who have sent direct threats to managers at their home address.”

Following Government Loan Confusion, Kodak Confirms Your Dad Is Still Laid Off

Rochester, NY – Word has come down that Kodak’s $765 million government loan to produce key pharmaceutical supplies has been put on hold. After days of confusing reports on allegations of impropriety by company officials and stocks going up and down, the company has come forward to make one thing clear. “Your Dad is not getting his job back.”

The company reports they’ve received an influx of middle-aged to elderly adult Rochester men calling in saying “you told me that if something opened up, you’d give me a call” but according to a new press release they want to make it known that “all local Dad’s will not get hired.”

According to insider sources, The InnerLoop Blog can report that any new jobs that will come from the grant will be given to local mom’s in an effort to make sure Kodak can give equal opportunity to all genders when they eventually lay off this new round of staff in one to two years tops.

Study: 10 Out of 10 People Do Not Care That a “Local Grad Lives Here”

Rochester, NY – A new study from RIT has confirmed that 100% of Rochesterians couldn’t find a single “F” to give that a 2020 grad lives in their neighborhood.

“Oh cool… Some dude named Chad couldn’t play his last year of lacrosse with ‘the boys?’ Who cares! I can’t feed my kids Chad. You don’t see me putting up a yard sign for that.”

We have reached out to Chad for a response but he is dodging us since he’s busy not wearing a mask and hanging out with his friends in Wegman’s parking lots.

RG&E Hires Lilac Festival Hula-Hoopers To Generate New Form Of Sustainable Energy

Rochester, NY – After Rochester festivals were canceled, all the local women that enjoyed hula hooping during every single free concert, whether the music called for it or not, thought that their summer was over. But RG&E is putting their non-stop hip gyrations to good use.

“We’re tired of Fairport Electric getting all the good press, so we’re stepping up our energy game,”  said one RG&E rep.

The hula hoopers will be fed a steady diet of kettle corn and blooming onions and have Rusted Root’s entire discography played at them while they spin. The hoops themselves have been rigged to transfer the energy directly into the Rochester grid and it’s been said “one hippy can power an entire home during ‘Send Me On My Way.'”

Protesters Shut Down 490 Long Enough For Spirit Halloween To Open

Rochester, NY – Black Lives Matter protesters followed through on their promise to shut down traffic today during rush hour and it caused some unexpected consequences.

The event shut down multiple checkpoints to I-490 for 8 minutes and 46 seconds, which is the same amount of time George Floyd was on the ground with a police officer’s knee on his neck.

During that time, a group of unmarked vehicles appeared, and masked men jumped out the door.  While the demonstrators were afraid it could be federal agents there to kidnap them, but they were surprised to find these men were carrying power tools instead of ground control weapons.

“It was crazy. These dudes just appeared and in 3 minutes, there was a fully erected business right in the middle of 490” one protester reported to The Inner Loop Blog.  Moments later, a Spirit Halloween banner was haphazardly hung from the front of the construction, and the open sign was turned on.

“Well this isn’t what we meant by wanting progress but I guess it’s something,” said one exasperated protester.