Washington DC – Millions of dollars in U.S. military weapons and vehicles were left in Afghanistan when the military pulled out of the country and America wants it back.
“I have decided to send in a force stronger than even SEAL Team Six,” said President Biden in a press conference this morning. “I have partnered with Wegmans Food Markets to send in their asset protection team to retrieve the weapons that got left behind.”
Not much is known yet about the plan to send in this elite security force but some military strategists say “based on how quickly these folks can take care of a shoplifter, we are expecting to have all of our assets back within the month.”
Wegmans could not be reached for a statement but the Innerloop’s Helping Hands insiders have told us the partnership with the US government will mean their Asset Protection team will get military training. “If you thought the AP SUVs in the parking lot were intimidating, wait until they come back with drone piloting experience. We’re predicting security bots hovering in the Pittsford Weggies by this time next year.”
Fairport, NY – It has been almost two months since the State Route 250 lift bridge over the Erie Canal in the Village of Fairport reopened for traffic and residents are changing their tune on the extended construction.
Innerloop insiders from Fairport have told us locals miss having a built-in excuse for being late for work and social obligations. In fact, there are several Fairportians that are hoping the bridge might need repairs sooner than later.
“Before when I walked in late I could just go ‘that damn lift bridge’ and things would be okay,” said Derek Smirkman. “Now I just look like a real douchebag.”
With back to school underway, law enforcement is on high alert watching the bridge for stepdads attempting to damage the bridge in order to get out of their kid’s concerts and sporting events.
Rochester, NY – Incumbent Mayor Lovely Warren has been defeated by city councilman Malik Evans for the right to run as a Democrat in November’s election but there is a new candidate that’s getting a lot of attention.
In a last-ditch effort to swing votes their way, Monroe County Republicans have listed the guns found in Mayor Warren’s home this year as their candidate.
“We’re confident the guns can win this thing,” said Republican spokesperson Ronald Farnell. “Our only worry is that they were illegal and our voters might think that means they’re Mexican.”
Rochester, NY – The InnerLoop Blog has been contacted by multiple piercing studios that they have already seen a huge drop in the amount of men looking to get their nipples pierced following the resignation of Governor Andrew Cuomo.
“We know it’s not the thing that people are worried about the most with the situation in Albany but this is a huge part of our business” said Stacy Reed from body modification business Tender Prix. “This is our busy season here in Rochester.”
According to Reed, this is the time of year where men are most likely to be walking around shirtless in Western NY and also the time they’re more likely to want to “bling out their nips” to give onlookers something else to check out while they’re driving past and thinking “that guy should probably put his shirt back on.”
While it is not confirmed that Cuomo has nipple piercings, it has long been thought that he does. Based on recent events, this most likely means he not only has two nipple piercings but a plethora of piercings that he and his inner circle are hiding from the world. And yes, we assume his inner circle is pierced as well.
Rochester, NY – During their victory lap on social media, local conservatives took a moment to come together and agree to New York’s first female governor an entire day before they start attacking her character online.
Lt. Gov. Kathy Hochul is now in charge after Andrew Cuomo resigned and local republicans have decided to give her an entire 24-hour period before they start lamenting over every policy decision and call her either a communist, Marxist, or connect her to any pedophile/cannibals secret societies.
“It’s going to be one of the hardest things we’ve ever had to do,” said Kent Stollsmith, the moderator of the ‘Rochester Republicans Against Cuomo And Every Democrat That Still Breathes’ Facebook group. “It’s going to be tough but so is casting your ballot for a Republican in New York so we’re used to the pain.”
Rochester, NY – Rochesterians were shocked to see controversial comedian Louis CK announce a show at Kodak Center next month and the surprises don’t stop there.
Andrew Cuomo is expected the resign from his position as New York’s governor and immediately join CK a tour they’re naming “Me Too’d? Me Too!”
If you missed it, Cuomo just had a 165-page report released this week by the New York state attorney general that says he sexually harassed 11 women. A spokesman for the governor says he also has “165-pages of standup material that he’s been sitting on for years.”
We reached out to CK’s team for confirmation and they sent back a Zoom link featuring a man with sparse red pubes masturbating on the other end.
Webster, NY – Superstar Post Malone was just in Webster, NY for his cousin’s wedding and the town is now trying to make sure he never returns.
Word spread that the rapper was in town via Webster Neighborhood pages on Facebook faster than the location of the latest ANTIFA protest. Many were shocked but many more were concerned that Post Malone did not support the local economy.
“We all saw pictures of this face-tattoo having rapper at a wedding but you know what we didn’t see? A picture of him buying loosely packed meat at Hegedorns” says Jacob Ferdermin of Webster.
There is now a petition on the desk of the town supervisor begging to ban Post Malone from ever stepping foot in either the town or village of Webster. It does include a clause however that he can wipe this ban from this record if he agrees to get blackout drunk at The Coach or Burkes and drive around town “like a good Websterian would.”
Canandaigua, NY – In an effort to make the crosswalks safer for pedestrians and increase the amount of speeding tickets they can hand out, the City Of Canandaigua has announced they have once again reduced the speed limit on main street.
“Originally we were going to make it so you would just have to coast off of the thruway and put your car in neutral but this seemed more reasonable,” said city planner Bart Scarn.
The plan now is to have drivers get out of their car and push and whatever speed they are able to achieve through the stop lights is what they will be limited to. The average Canandaiguan should now expect to add three hours to their drive time while commuting.
Rochester, NY – “We don’t just care about our dawgs we care about all dogs” says local gang member T-Bone.
According to Mr. Bone, this was the major reason that all local gangs and Rochester have agreed to sync up their gunshots to the fireworks displays held the 4th of July.
“I’ve got pups at home too and they don’t deserve to be more scared than they have to be,” says another local gang member who told us he wanted to “keep his name a secret” and to “give me your wallet and phone.”
Rochester emergency rooms are preparing for this evening and have divided one team dedicated to gun shot wounds and another for “DUFIs” aka drunk uncle firework injuries.
Rochester, NY – Hometown heroes Joywave have released a new EP but the celebration has been short lived because a staple of their band has announced they are quitting the band.
Inspired by Mumford & Sons banjoist leaving the band to chase his dreams of posting long, boring social media posts about “cancel culture” or something equally as important, Daniel Armbruster’s mustache has decided to leave the band.
The Innerloop Blog has caught up with the mustache, and according the tuft of hair, it has supported the vocalist for many years but can no longer sit idly on his lip while he shares lyrics it disagrees with.
“I have tried many times to get more songs about how men refusing to wear the toothbrush mustache is unfair discrimination but all they want to do is make songs about feelings or some crap.”
The mustache is hoping to form a supergroup with Mumford’s banjoman, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock to finally make “tunes that mean something.”