All posts by Shane Allen

Comedian and Creator of The Inner Loop Blog

Joywave’s Faucets Turn to Blood, Air Ducts Fill With Locusts as Pharaohs’ Curse Continues

Rochester, NY – By now you may have heard the story of Joywave’s drummer Paul Brenner receiving a package containing live scorpions but the Innerloop’s Music Correspondents have been informed the nightmare didn’t stop there.

According to reports, guitarist Joseph Morinelli was surprised this morning to find the water coming through his faucet was not water at all. It was blood.

It also appears lead singer Daniel Armbruster has also had issues at his apartment. RG&E was called to the premises this afternoon in response to a complaint that locusts were filling the building shortly after the heat kicked on.

After speaking to the band’s manager, it appears all of these problems started following Joywave’s trip to play a concert in Egypt. During a visit to a local museum, one of the members bumped into an ancient chest containing the remains of the priest Lufenamun. The canopic jars filled with the high priest’s mummified organs were cracked in the process and an old security guard in the museum could be heard yelling “the curse has been released” as he stormed out the building.

Thinking nothing of it, the band returned to the states and recorded their fourth album ‘Cleanse’ which is set for release on February 11th. The studio engineers say the music came together quickly for them, “almost as if they were possessed.” “We had to edit out a lot of mentions of sand and Nefertiti but it’s one of the best albums I’ve worked on,” said Greg Smorgen who produced the record.

After talking to a local Egyptian History expert, the running theory for all the danger Joywave has faced recently is that they’ve unlocked the five plagues of Sinai Desert on themselves when the mummified remains were disturbed. “They’ve had scorpions, blood, and locusts, so now all that’s left is the lesions on their skin and slumping album sales. That last one is because before becoming a priest, Lufenamun really tried to be a singer but was cast out when the Pharoah’s daughter said he sounded pitchy.”

Local Man Decides Visiting Sick Relative Not Worth Strong Hospital Parking Fees

Rochester, NY – Penfield resident Mary Lou Traggern has been in Strong Memorial Hospital for the last few days while fighting what she calls the “worst garbage plate revenge I’ve ever had.” She has been begging her nurses to reach out to her brother Bob to come visit and bring her some things. She believes her phone is not working because Bob is not answering her texts or calls.

The truth is that Bob hates parking at the hospital. “I just don’t understand why we have to pay for the honor of possibly getting MRSA while visiting a relative.”

When we told Bob there are some free parking options he told us he’s “my sister could be bleeding out and I would still never leave my car parked somewhere in College Town.”

Email Leak Reveals Bills Coach Sean McDermott Even Nicer Guy Than Fans Thought

Orchard Park, NY – Following the ousting of Raider’s coach Jon Gruden, the NFL decided to take a deep dive into the emails of all of their head coaches and what they’re investigation found out about Buffalo Bills coach Sean McDermott is truly shocking.

Emails from a decade ago, when McDermott was the defensive coordinator for the Carolina Panthers, reveal he never missed a player or coaching staff’s birthday, sending them E-Cards, and digital gift card

Further investigation into McDermott’s GPS revealed the coach would stay after games to help the Bank Of America staff clean the stadium and drive home any fans who had too much to drink. His browser history also revealed he’s never Rick Rolled anyone or visited 4chan.

Biden Announces Plan To Send Wegmans Asset Protection To Resecure U.S. Military Arms From Taliban

Washington DC – Millions of dollars in U.S. military weapons and vehicles were left in Afghanistan when the military pulled out of the country and America wants it back.

“I have decided to send in a force stronger than even SEAL Team Six,” said President Biden in a press conference this morning. “I have partnered with Wegmans Food Markets to send in their asset protection team to retrieve the weapons that got left behind.”

Not much is known yet about the plan to send in this elite security force but some military strategists say “based on how quickly these folks can take care of a shoplifter, we are expecting to have all of our assets back within the month.”

Wegmans could not be reached for a statement but the Innerloop’s Helping Hands insiders have told us the partnership with the US government will mean their Asset Protection team will get military training. “If you thought the AP SUVs in the parking lot were intimidating, wait until they come back with drone piloting experience. We’re predicting security bots hovering in the Pittsford Weggies by this time next year.”

Fairport Residents Ask For Bridge Construction To Resume So They Have An Excuse For Being Late Again

Fairport, NY – It has been almost two months since the State Route 250 lift bridge over the Erie Canal in the Village of Fairport reopened for traffic and residents are changing their tune on the extended construction.

Innerloop insiders from Fairport have told us locals miss having a built-in excuse for being late for work and social obligations. In fact, there are several Fairportians that are hoping the bridge might need repairs sooner than later.

“Before when I walked in late I could just go ‘that damn lift bridge’ and things would be okay,” said Derek Smirkman. “Now I just look like a real douchebag.”

With back to school underway, law enforcement is on high alert watching the bridge for stepdads attempting to damage the bridge in order to get out of their kid’s concerts and sporting events.

Guns Found In Lovely Warren’s Home Announced As Republican Mayoral Candidate

Rochester, NY – Incumbent Mayor Lovely Warren has been defeated by city councilman Malik Evans for the right to run as a Democrat in November’s election but there is a new candidate that’s getting a lot of attention.

In a last-ditch effort to swing votes their way, Monroe County Republicans have listed the guns found in Mayor Warren’s home this year as their candidate.

“We’re confident the guns can win this thing,” said Republican spokesperson Ronald Farnell. “Our only worry is that they were illegal and our voters might think that means they’re Mexican.”

Piercing Shops Worry Cuomo’s Resignation Could Mean Record Losses In The Lucrative Male Nipple Ring Market

Rochester, NY – The InnerLoop Blog has been contacted by multiple piercing studios that they have already seen a huge drop in the amount of men looking to get their nipples pierced following the resignation of Governor Andrew Cuomo.

“We know it’s not the thing that people are worried about the most with the situation in Albany but this is a huge part of our business” said Stacy Reed from body modification business Tender Prix. “This is our busy season here in Rochester.”

According to Reed, this is the time of year where men are most likely to be walking around shirtless in Western NY and also the time they’re more likely to want to “bling out their nips” to give onlookers something else to check out while they’re driving past and thinking “that guy should probably put his shirt back on.”

While it is not confirmed that Cuomo has nipple piercings, it has long been thought that he does. Based on recent events, this most likely means he not only has two nipple piercings but a plethora of piercings that he and his inner circle are hiding from the world. And yes, we assume his inner circle is pierced as well.

Western NY Republicans Agree To Give Kathy Hochul 24-Hours Before Hating Her Guts For No Reason

Rochester, NY – During their victory lap on social media, local conservatives took a moment to come together and agree to New York’s first female governor an entire day before they start attacking her character online.

Lt. Gov. Kathy Hochul is now in charge after Andrew Cuomo resigned and local republicans have decided to give her an entire 24-hour period before they start lamenting over every policy decision and call her either a communist, Marxist, or connect her to any pedophile/cannibals secret societies.

“It’s going to be one of the hardest things we’ve ever had to do,” said Kent Stollsmith, the moderator of the ‘Rochester Republicans Against Cuomo And Every Democrat That Still Breathes’ Facebook group. “It’s going to be tough but so is casting your ballot for a Republican in New York so we’re used to the pain.”

Andrew Cuomo Expected To Resign And Open Up For Louis C.K. In Rochester

Rochester, NY – Rochesterians were shocked to see controversial comedian Louis CK announce a show at Kodak Center next month and the surprises don’t stop there.

Andrew Cuomo is expected the resign from his position as New York’s governor and immediately join CK a tour they’re naming “Me Too’d? Me Too!”

If you missed it, Cuomo just had a 165-page report released this week by the New York state attorney general that says he sexually harassed 11 women. A spokesman for the governor says he also has “165-pages of standup material that he’s been sitting on for years.”

We reached out to CK’s team for confirmation and they sent back a Zoom link featuring a man with sparse red pubes masturbating on the other end.

Webster Now Banning Post Malone After The Rapper Visited And Did Not Shop At Hegedorn’s

Webster, NY – Superstar Post Malone was just in Webster, NY for his cousin’s wedding and the town is now trying to make sure he never returns.

Word spread that the rapper was in town via Webster Neighborhood pages on Facebook faster than the location of the latest ANTIFA protest. Many were shocked but many more were concerned that Post Malone did not support the local economy.

“We all saw pictures of this face-tattoo having rapper at a wedding but you know what we didn’t see? A picture of him buying loosely packed meat at Hegedorns” says Jacob Ferdermin of Webster.

There is now a petition on the desk of the town supervisor begging to ban Post Malone from ever stepping foot in either the town or village of Webster. It does include a clause however that he can wipe this ban from this record if he agrees to get blackout drunk at The Coach or Burkes and drive around town “like a good Websterian would.”