Rochester, NY – Following the news that no officers will be charged following an investigation into the death of Daniel Prude, the Rochester Police Department has announced they’ve hired a new member to help them deal with the fallout.
“We’ve noticed a surge in cases of our officers getting slaps on the wrist from the people in charge of our oversight,” says an RPD Spokesperson. “All of that lack of accountability really weighs on these brave men and women so we’ve decided to use some of our budget to bring on an occupational therapist full-time.”
The health care professional’s main task will be making sure the officers’ wrists do not sustain any long-term damage from getting let off by grand jury investigations.
The police spokesperson confirmed this is a very important role stating “wrists are very important to our staff as they’re often what we use to put our body weight into someone’s neck while restraining them.”
Rochester, NY – It was announced this week that amusement parks will be able to open as early as April this summer in New York and Seabreeze is planning to allow 33% capacity to start off with.
“Good,” says little Tommy McCallister. The third grader says he loves the park but he is especially excited to finally get back to licking the handrails in the lines for rides as people behind him look on in horror.
“As far as taste goes, the Jack Rabbit handrails are a delicious vintage of rust but my favorite has to be the bumper cars. They’re located close enough to the fried dough that everything tastes sweet.”
Rochester, NY – It was announced today that Rochester’s oldest movie complex the “Cinema Theater” will be closing indefinitely due to the COVID restrictions. While there is no certainty on what will happen to the business in the future, the Innerloop Blog as gotten word that the owners will be liquidating some of their assets.
Their biggest money maker will reportedly be a government contract they’ve signed in regards to the floor of their theater.
“This cinema has been open since 1914 and it’s seen its fair share of spills,” said Army Contractor Pete Whither. “We’re planning on scrapping up some of that vintage goop and sticky-what-not to use on our supplies.” According to tests, the adhessiveness levels to the floor actually exceed most military grade products.
NASA has also been in contact to buy some of the gum stuck underneath the theater’s seats to use on their rockets.
Rochester, NY – Senior Anus Elasticity Scientist Linus Magnusson has spent the better part of the last decade traveling the globe and paying strangers on Craigslist to let him test their BHS (booty hole strength), and according to his most recent report, Rochesterians have some of the world’s tightest buttholes.
“Due to all of the involuntary clenching these Western New Yorkers do when they run over a pothole with their car, their anus has gained tremendous strength.,” says Dr. Magnusson. “Metaphorically speaking, if the rest of the world is at ‘toy finger trap’ level tightens, Rochester buttholes are at
Rochester, NY – A local Rochester shelter has put out several social media posts looking for a “forever home” for a “senior pet” that has looks a lot like Tom Park from the Fuccillo Dealership ads.
According to their description of the critter he’s house trained and deals well with people yelling at him. However, they do warn that “Huge” is a very triggering word for him and warn he may have an accident if you say it too close to his face.
Rochester, NY – Wegmans has partnered with government officials to offer the COVID-19 vaccine at select locations for those who qualify and they’ve just announced they will also start to roll out their own name brand vaccine soon.
The Innerloop Blog has received an advanced copy of their press release and we’re posting it in its entirety here:
“Much like we’ve cracked Dr. Pepper’s secret recipe to make Dr. W, unlocked the mysteries of LaCroix to release our own line of boujee water, we’ve figured out the Phizer vaccine and soon we’ll be offering Wegmans Organic COVID-19 preventative in the Nature’s Marketplace section of certain stores.”
The expected retail price will be just enough for you to feel okay buying it but regret it as soon as you get home.
Rochester, NY – Tyler Ferguson and his bride-to-be Susan Masters have moved their wedding date three times since COVID hit and now with venues allowed to have half capacity again, things are looking up for their ceremony scheduled this Fall. And Tyler is not happy about it.
Ferguson is one of many local fiancés that were silently hoping that their wedding date would be pushed off long enough their partner would cave and just elope for a fraction of the cost of a big wedding.
“We’ve petitioned Cuomo to ask him to tighten things up again,” says Ferguson. “My old lady doesn’t even know yet but I spent all of our honeymoon money getting five extra streaming services during the lockdown.”
Rochester, NY – With his favorite team the Buffalo Bills knocked out of the playoffs, Alex Manson from Gates has announced to his family, friends, coworkers, and any stranger he runs into that he’s just “really hoping for a good game tonight.”
When we pressed him further on what he considers a “good game” Manson stated that he’s looking for a lot of offense, several cutaway shots of Tom Brady’s wife, and for at least one “Janet Jackson style boob slip.”
Rochester, NY – A local man saw all the news about the GameStop stock surge and wanted to capitalize on it. But because he is not a financial wizard, or “good at reading,” he accidentally put all of his money into local used game store Game Craze.
Ashton Moore reportedly called into the Rochester-based store and asked to buy “$10,000 of publicly traded stocks.” Unfortunately, what the 16-year-old part-time employee heard on the other end of the phone was “$10,000 of PC trade-in Stonx.”
“I thought it was a little crazy that some dude would want so many copies of the game ‘Stonx’ since it was just a really crappy computer game made in the ’80s but he was pretty adamant,” says Johnny Frederickson who was working the phones today. Johnny agreed to the purchase and filled Moore’s order.
Ashton says he plans to try and make some of his money back by starting a Twitch stream as the “only Stonx player in the world.”