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Rochester, NY – “Tired of beating around the bush and pretending like you’re ‘saving for your future’ or ‘putting money away for a vacation?’ Then you need our Zero Middleman option!”
That’s how Paychex press release started promoting its brand new service allowing Rochesterians to have 100% of their income go directly to Wegmans.
“Our studies have shown that people are actually more comfortable having all their money on their shopper’s club card than in a bank,” says Frank Fordicuss who spearheaded the project. “In theory all of these people will be able to just walk into Wegmans, take whatever they want, and leave. They’ll also be able to make their own subs at the sub shop, ” detailed Fordicuss, “which alone is a nice enough perk.”
Rochester, NY – The InnerLoop Blog has been given a statement from Rochester’s Union 2, the organization that represents all testicles in the Monroe County area, and we’re posting it here unedited:
Please pick a temperature. We can’t take it anymore. We’re up, we’re down, we’re inside the body, we’re outside the body, we’re in shorts, we’re in skinny jeans, we’re snug inside a thermal sock. Some consistency would be nice.
Webster, NY – Lon Lemke was really hoping beyond hope that New Yorkers wouldn’t be “cucks” again this year and actually vote Republican for President.
“I really thought that these libtards would notice how great their life has been over the past four years and give this president, the greatest president we’ve ever had, another term,” says Lemke. “But once again, these Dummy-craps showed their true colors!”
Lemke estimates that he has spent close to $3000 on flags, hats, clothes, and other Trump decals to show off how much of a fan he is of the president. But now he’s worried that maybe all the money he spent getting his boat painted with ‘F*** Your Feelings! Four More Years!’ is money that could have been put to better use with his family.
He did note that he does have a daughter that has lost her job because of the ravaged economy and a brother that is currently in the hospital dying from COVID. When we asked him if all that merch money could have help them in their rough times, he stopped, look a bit shocked, but than told us to “go eat Obama’s butt” and showed us a purchase order from a Chinese wholesaler for ‘TRUMP 2024’ flags.
Rochester, NY – Arnaldo Kutch hasn’t skateboarded since his high school days in the ’90s, but upon seeing that the ROC City Skatepark has finally been completed, he got a wave of nostalgia and confidence, and plans to hit ramps this weekend.
We have reached out to Kutch’s doctor Art Ernser who let us know he predicts the Gates man won’t even complete a single ollie before shattering at least five to seven bones in his body.
Dr. Ernser has warned his patient that taking this kind of risk with his body is not something he can afford as a working adult but has already drafted a letter for excused absences from his job because, and these are Dr. Erner’s words, “Arnaldo is a complete dumbass.”
Rochester, NY – Every election year Rochesterians flock to the grave of Susan B Anthony to place their “I Voted” sticker on her headstone as a tribute to all her work fighting for women’s right to vote. It’s a beautiful scene but more importantly, it’s a terrible spot to try to get laid.
According to men’s magazine Guns, Beer, And Boobs Quarterly, Anthony’s gravesite on the day of an election is by far the worst place on the planet to hit on women. Their research shows that you would have better chances of getting someone’s phone number if you approached them at their father’s wake.
The magazine did however clarify that Mount Hope Cemetery where Anthony is laid to rest is a great spot to pick up “spooky gothic chicks” on almost any other day of the year.
Rochester, NY – Mathematicians from the University of Rochester have started a movement to officially retire the number eight as a way to honor local hero Steve Barnes.
“We were absolutely devastated by the news of his passing,” said Professor Roofus McNorman. “It just didn’t feel right typing in number 8 on a calculator, let only a phone. Sometimes I just found myself calling 8 just to feel something again.”
The plan is to simply skip over the number and go straight to nine until Trent Reznor dies tragically.
Rochester, NY – A new study shows that people who walk slowly while shopping at Wegmans are doing more than robbing your sanity, they’re also stealing your time.
Researchers say the average Rochesterian will waste just about half a decade getting stuck behind slow walkers while grabbing groceries. Most of that time will be spent awkwardly trying to decide whether they have enough space to get around them.
The study also found locals are losing at least two years to elderly folks slow-typing their phone number in to get Shopper’s Club deals.
Rochester, NY – Local inventor Roofus Wanger has Rochester’s broiest bros rejoicing after releasing the first-ever snowmobile-jet ski hybrid.
“It’s perfect for ruining other boaters time in the summer, and ruining your neighbors’ yard in the winter,” says Wanger. “But the biggest benefit is you only have one trailer proudly displayed in your driveway!”
The ‘SnowJob’ is being called the best thing to happen to guy’s with small wieners since internet porn.
Skaneateles, NY – “Tonight is my Superbowl,” says Frank Wilson. He’s just one of the many Uncles all over Upstate NY that have been waiting eagerly for tonight’s presidential debate to fill their “libtard” family’s comment sections with Trump support.
“I have a stockpile of memes ready to go,” Wilson told The Inner Loop Blog. “I got some with Trump’s head is on a really strong guy’s body, others where Joe Biden looks sleepy, and some that are just pictures of Obama that say ‘Kenya? How about KenNAH!'”
When we asked if there was anything that could possible sway him to vote for Biden and he said only if he found out:
- Trump lied about Mexico paying for the wall
- Trump proudly bragged about being a sexual predator and has over 20 women accusing him of sexual assault
- Trump separated babies and children from their parents on the border and put them in cages
- Trump used campaign funds illegally to keep a porn star he cheated on his wife with quiet
- Trump lied about the coronavirus impact for months and did something as stupid as encourage people to inject disinfectant
- Trump got literally got impeached
- Trump mocked disabled people and veterans
- Trump cut funds for climate change research and pulled out of the Paris climate agreement
- Trump gassed peaceful protesters for a photoshoot
- Trump spent record-breaking amounts of time on vacation or playing golf while pocketing taxpayer money every time he did
- Trump issued pardons for criminals who worked on his campaign
- Trump called neo-nazis “very fine people”
- Trump imposed a racist travel ban
- Trump paid less income tax than every single person he knows
Only then would he vote for a “corrupt Democrat.”