Rochester, NY – Pro-Palestinian protests have been sweeping colleges nationwide, including a sit-in staged at the University of Rochester. Other local campuses are on high alert, which may have led to confusion today at Monroe Community College.

Sources report that chaos ensued after MCC student Jason Peters, allegedly lacking a basic understanding of how roundabouts function, found himself trapped in a perpetual loop of indecision within the campus roundabout.

Eyewitnesses described the scene as both comical and perplexing as Peters, unaware of how to exit the circular roadway, inadvertently sparked a wave of solidarity from his fellow students. Mistaking his floundering attempts to escape the roundabout as a form of civil disobedience, scores of MCC students rushed to the scene, brandishing signs and cheering him on.

“I just wanted to get to Intro To Spanish,” says Mr. Peters in an Innerloop Blog exclusive interview. “I just didn’t know which way to go and then people started showing up, waving flags, and now I feel like if I make a turn, I will get canceled.”

At press time, local authorities were reportedly considering deploying traffic control measures to alleviate the congestion caused by the burgeoning “protest,” while Peters remained stranded in the center of the roundabout, desperately trying to navigate his way to freedom.

Buffalo, NY – Lindy Ruff may not be from Western NY but his story follows the same arc as so many from the area. Lindy played most of his NHL career for the Buffalo Sabres and got his first Head Coaching job with the team, and just like any artist or athlete from the area, he left the state in search of a better brighter future that never came.

Now Lindy is relocating back to Buffalo and reporters from The Innerloop Blog have found that he is actually moving into someone’s childhood bedroom in Hamburg to get the “authentic Western NY experience.”

Ruff plans to settle back into the rhythms of suburban life and hopes to avoid anyone he used to know while shopping for groceries or getting gas. According to sources close to the coach, “if he has to talk about how much better the weather was in Dallas or how much more he had to pay for things in New Jersey, he’s going to quit the coaching altogether.”

ROCHESTER, NY — A brief moment of terror has come to an end as the sun has reappeared in the sky after total darkness lasting hours without explanation. “It was 3 minutes,” reports Brighton resident and annoyed boyfriend, Michael D. “There was an explanation. I already told you it was the eclipse.” Innerloop Blog’s fact-checking department has deemed this account as unreliable.

In potentially related news, independent research by this author has found that what were originally believed to be 5mg THC strawberry smoothie gummies have now been found to contain 25mg of THC, meaning instead of 10mg, as much as 50mg may have been consumed. The author has been given a water bottle and a weighted blanket.

ROCHESTER, NY — Panic erupts in my Brighton apartment because where did the fucking sun go. It was just there, dude, it’s like 3pm. I swear to God it was there a second ago and now it’s just gone.

“It’s the eclipse,” reports Brighton resident and local boyfriend, Michael D. “There’s a solar eclipse today, they’ve been talking about it for months.” The Innerloop Blog has not been able to fact check his eye-witness account. Readers should note: I’m scared as hell, man.

The Innerloop Blog will keep an eye on this story as it develops.

ROCHESTER, NY — Rochester welcomes an unusual guest as a rare total solar eclipse passes directly above Upstate New York. Although the last time the total solar eclipse graced Rochester was in 1925, this solar phenomenon has wasted no time joining Rochester’s common folk in their daily rituals. After all, where better to get blacked out and make a spectacle of yourself than at Rochester’s own Salinger’s tavern.

Regulars at Salinger’s are no strangers to getting blackout on a Monday, and now they can say that they’re not alone! The sun will be in total eclipse starting around 3:20pm and will be blacked out for around 3 minutes, meaning it will probably be sober enough to drive by, like, 3:45 unless someone wants to call an Uber.

Rochester residents and visitors alike are anxiously awaiting the eclipse next week, and fingers crossed that when the sun blacks out, there will be 100% less projectile vomiting than when I did it in college.

Rochester, NY – One of the biggest complaints Rochesterians have about downtown in the winter is that sidewalks tend to be covered in snow and pedestrians are forced to walk on dangerous roads. A local inventor has introduced a new shovel design hoping to inspire people to stop waiting for the city to fix things and to tackle this issue themself.

“I noticed in the clubs downtown that a lot of people have no issues moving powder around with credit cards,” says inventor Thomas Mullarhan. “So I figured folks might be more motivated to clear off walkways if they have a tool they’re already used to using.”

This shovel was released only last month and already we’ve seen a renaissance in snow removal. “While we haven’t sold a lot of the credit card shovels, the people that are buying them are super motivated to shovel and are wide awake late at night,” says Mr. Mullarhan. “I hear a lot of stories of people leaving for work and finding their driveway clear thanks to their neighbor who they caught on their security camera making perfect lines of powdered snow before clearing them with one big push.”

Rochester, NY – Donuts Delite took the world by storm with their Taylor Swift-themed donut this week and has sold so many that their printer has suffered a spectacular malfunction. What was once a harmonious symphony of sugary goodness dedicated to the pop sensation has now devolved into a nightmare with the machine now spewing out pastries inspired by various famous Taylors.

Swifties expecting to eat the face of their idol have been disappointed that the pastry shop is now overstocked with Taylor Lautner, James Taylor, and Tim The Tool Man Taylor doughnuts.

The shop’s owner has reassured patrons they’re working ‘Round the Clock’ to fix this situation and do not want any customers to have ‘Bad Blood’ with them. Adding that although the printer seems to be ‘Haunted’ by a diverse range of Taylors, they’re determined to bring it back to ‘Style’ with ‘Delicate’ repairs and know ‘All To Well’ the frustration that visitors are feeling. They know the Swift fans have a ‘Love Story’ with the singer and don’t like being told to ‘Shake It Off’ when it comes to their fandom but shouldn’t add a ‘Blank Space’ where Donuts Delight used to be because of this issue.

Rochester, NY – In a shocking display of unwavering dedication, Buffalo Sabres fan, Cindy McKick, has taken her superstitions to a whole new level by refusing to touch a 30oz Stanley Cup she received as a gift from her husband.

Corey McKick thought he scored a hat-trick when he bought the trendy tumbler for his better half.” I had three women threaten my life in Target when I grabbed the last cup on the shelf,” says Mr. McKick. “I put it on the kitchen counter with a bow on it and she hasn’t touched it.”

“I just can’t risk jinxing the Sabres’ chances,” Cindy explained to The Innerloop Blog. “If we’re going to see the team raise the real cup in our lifetime it’s going to take determination and sacrifice on and off the ice.”

Cindy’s superstitions are not limited to this particular cup. She also wears the same underwear when the team is on a winning streak and will not drink water out of any cup resembling the Stanly Cup. “Most of the time I just drink Labatt Blue Light when I am thirsty,” says Cindy. “I get looks at the office but I’ve noticed anytime I can polish off a six-pack before lunch, Jeff Skinner scores a goal that night.”

ROCHESTER, NY—A mysterious illness has swept through Western New York in a baffling turn of events, causing a staggering 99% of the workforce to call in sick on Monday. Medical experts are scratching their heads, trying to identify the source of the sudden outbreak that coincidentally aligns with the rescheduled Buffalo Bills and Pittsburgh Steelers wild-card playoff game.

Doctors are working tirelessly to understand the origins of these mysterious ailments that seem to have emerged seemingly out of thin air. “We’ve never seen anything like this before,” says Dr. Emily Whitecoat, an infectious disease specialist. “This could be worse than COVID based on all the various symptoms we’re hearing from local business owners.”

According to reports, local bosses have been told everything from fever to “combative diarrhea” as reasons their employees are calling out two days in advance.

“I woke up this morning feeling perfectly fine, but as soon as I heard about the game being rescheduled, I felt this overwhelming urge to call in sick,” admits Tom Langden, a lifelong Buffalo resident. “My body knew I needed a day to emotionally prepare for the playoffs.”

As the mysterious illness spreads, epidemiologists are working diligently to understand the strange correlation between football schedule changes and a sudden surge in absenteeism. Until then, Western New York braces for a Monday filled with empty offices and deserted streets.

Luckily downtown Rochester has been desolate for years so it should not impact the local economy too much.