Greece, NY — Arcadia sophomore Chloe Fuller reportedly asked her father, “What a fucking ‘Wease’ was?” While traveling down 390 South over the weekend.  She had witnessed a worn-down bumper sticker on the back of a late 90s Camry featuring the term when she posed the question to her father, Matthew Fuller.

At press time, Matthew claimed that he “almost veered off the road” when he realized his daughter didn’t know who Wease was.  “I mean, she never heard of mother hucker, Booshy, or even the concept of the Vietnam War,” explained Matthew.  “I played 30 seconds of an old Wease clip, and she just kept on saying it sounded like ‘rocks grinding a squirrel to death'”.

According to recent social media posts, Chloe is now claiming that her father won’t stop talking about “Tommy” and “Bubba Dubba Cheeseburgers.”

ROCHESTER, NY — President and CEO of Strong Museum, Steve Dubnik, announced earlier this week that the nasty-ass Power Rangers game from Tiger that you found at Michael Roushie’s sleepover back in 4th grade made it into Strong Museum’s Video Game Hall of Fame. “The people have voted and they wanted to induct a game that was close to their heart and the reason for widespread staph infections in the early 2000s,” explained Dubnik during the induction ceremony.

Video Game Hall of Fame board member Dawn Williams speculated, “there’s a dangerous allure when reaching under your friend’s couch and grabbing a sticky-ass, gross-ass video game that can’t be matched.”  She continued on saying, “there’s a 95% chance it doesn’t even have batteries in it and a 100% chance you’re getting dried piss on your hands but you just want to grab that dirty-ass game.

At press time Steve Dubnik said that they will also be inducting your buddy’s “shitty-ass N64 controller with a rumble pack that he definitely shoved up his ass for pleasure,” in the Hall of Fame this year.

We ended up getting 728 responses for our Worst Of Rochester poll.  That’s too many. That’s more people than have ever voted for Mayor.

Here are the results. We’d love to hear your ideas for categories! If we use them, you’ll get a free pair of tickets to our LIVE SHOW next year.

WORST BATHROOM IN ROCHESTER

1. Lilac Festival Porto-Trailer – 335 Votes (46%)
2. LUX – 144 Votes (19.8%)
3. Mark’s Texas Hots – 106 Votes (14.6%)

WORST GARBAGE PLATE NAME

1. Hummer Plate – Fairport Hots – 206 Votes (28.3%)
2. Sticky Icky Plate – Sticky Lips – 190 Votes (26.1%)
3. Compost Plate – Red Fern – 146 Votes (10.4%)

WORST PARKING IN ROCHESTER

1. East Ave Wegmans – 264 Votes (40.7%)
2. Park Ave – 131Votes (18%)
3. Village of Fairport – 67 Votes (9.2%)

WORST ROAD IN ROCHESTER

1. West Ridge Road- 144 Votes (19.8%)
2. West Henrietta Road – 130 Votes (17.9%)
3. Lake Ave – 123 Votes (16.9%)

WORST ROCHESTER SUBURB

1. Greece – 560 Votes (76.9%)
2. Gates – 34 Votes (4.7%)
3. Pittsford – 76 Votes (2.9%)

WORST THING IN ROCHESTER

1. I.C.E – 296 Votes (40.7%)
2. RG&E – 257 Votes (35.3%)
3. People Blocking Aisles At Wegmans – 76 Votes(10.4%)

WORST VIRAL MOMENT

1. Maga Gorilla In Penfield – 282 Votes (38.7%)
2. Mountain Lion AI Posts – 198 Votes (27.2%)
3. Ridge Donut Staffing Rant – 97 Votes (13.3%)

ROCHESTER, NY  – Brownstein’s Bagel Bakery passed away tragically this week after a devastating fire swept through its Twelve Corners home. Brownstein’s quickly rose to prominence as the reliable morning companion of Brighton residents, known for its chewy everything bagels and cream cheese spreads.

Brownstein’s is survived by dozens of loyal customers who still giggle when they use the word “schmear.” Community members are concerned that the breakfast staple may never return and promise to cut a whole into the middle of every meal they eat until the owners rebuild.

ROCHESTER, NY — Brownstein’s Bagel Bakery passed away tragically this week after a devastating fire consumed its Twelve Corners home. Since the early 1980s, Brownstein’s had been a reliable morning companion for Brighton residents, beloved for its chewy everything bagels and generous cream cheese schmears.

Brownstein’s is survived by generations of loyal customers who still giggle when they say “schmear.” While the future remains uncertain, the community has vowed to cut a hole in the middle of every meal they eat until the bakery is rebuilt.

BRIGHTON, NY — In a shocking escalation of hostilities, Brighton resident Craig Hensley shattered months of delicate suburban peace Saturday afternoon by recklessly firing up his lawnmower and completing the first mow of the season. Witnesses say Hensley, 46, started cutting his front yard near Twelve Corners around 1:14 p.m., sending shockwaves through the otherwise quiet Brighton neighborhood and kicking off a full-scale lawn care arms race.

“We had an understanding,” said neighbor Tim Rourke, seen frantically fueling up his mower in his driveway off Elmwood Avenue. “April was supposed to be a neutral zone. Now it’s every man for himself.” Within minutes, the sound of Hensley’s Toro echoed across the tree-lined streets, triggering a chain reaction. By 2 p.m., what was once a peaceful Saturday had turned into a chaotic battlefield of riding mowers, leaf blowers, and bitter glares over property lines that haven’t been surveyed since 1978.

At press time, several houses near Buckland Park had already planted “Best Lawn” signs in their yards, and reports indicated that the Home Depot on Jefferson Road was experiencing a run on mulch, fertilizer, and passive-aggressive lawn décor. Town officials urged residents to “mow responsibly” and reminded everyone that the true enemy is, and always has been, the dandelions. Experts warn that if tensions continue to escalate, Brighton could see a full-blown patio power-washing offensive by next weekend.

ROCHESTER, NY — In a display of true Western New York resilience, local resident Kyle Denton discovered that the severe sunburn he acquired last week during the region’s brief flirtation with summer was completely alleviated by the frostbite he sustained today.

“Honestly, it’s kind of nice,” said Denton, who had been basking in the 68°F warmth on April 2 like he was auditioning for a Corona commercial. “My shoulders were peeling like a sun-dried tomato, but now they’re just numb. Nature heals.”

Medical professionals expressed a mix of confusion and admiration for Denton’s unique healing process. “It’s rare, but not unheard of in this region,” said Dr. Robert Croft of Rochester General Hospital. “When a person transitions from second-degree burns caused by an April heatwave to frostbite from a sudden snowstorm, the body’s tissues seem to neutralize each other. He’s basically back to neutral.”

ROCHESTER, NY — In a devastating blow to spring optimism, meteorologists confirmed Monday that the unseasonable snowfall blanketing the city is a direct result of you storing your winter clothes “like a cocky little moron.” The shocking revelation came after dozens of residents were spotted wearing shorts, hoodies, and general smugness just days before the snow relapse.

“We warned you this could happen,” said a local weather expert, gesturing toward a Doppler radar pulsing with pure spite. “You packed away your scarves, and now the atmosphere is retaliating.”

The suspect at the center of the meteorological meltdown, a 35-year-old man from Irondequoit, reportedly made the mistake of publicly declaring, “I think we’re done with snow” while vacuum-sealing his Buffalo Bills winter hats on Sunday. “I was just trying to Marie Kondo my closet,” the man said while scraping ice off his windshield with a  Wegmans Gift Card. “This definitely sparks zero joy.”

ROCHESTER, NY — A groundbreaking study released this week has revealed that a staggering 90% of social media activity in Western NY  is driven by AI-generated images of buffalos engaged in battle with various objects, animals, and rival NFL team mascots.

What is driving that number? Uncles. While the study found Western NY residents like and share all forms of content, male residents aged 45-65 were found to have only interacted with digitally created depictions of the bison with huge muscles.

“These men never share photos of themselves, never post anything that they’re doing, do not comment on content their family shares,” says lead researcher Dr. Karen Sullivan. “They only seem to want to engage with vagely erotic fantasy pictures of buffalo.”

“There’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of seeing a buffalo body-slam a cowboy or headbutt a raven,” said local uncle Todd W., who has shared over 300 such images this month alone. “It’s like a release. With the season over, we need to keep the fight alive somehow.”

Rochester, NY – Beloved Rochester Red Wings concessions vendor Conehead has announced that he will continue accepting cash tips despite Innovative Field transitioning to a cashless system this season. To stay on his bosses’ good side and technically comply with the no-handling-cash policy, fans will now need to insert their tips directly into the tip of his iconic phallic head.

“I’m a man of tradition,” Conehead said, adjusting his head to make room for a crisp five-dollar bill. “Besides, nothing beats the feeling of cold, hard cash crumpled inside my head.”

He politely asked fans to avoid making direct eye contact while stuffing money into his head and to ignore the involuntary, passionate screams he might emit during the process.