Rochester, NY – Ralph Gardner from East Rochester loves nothing more than to smoke an entire pack of Marlboro Reds inside a bathroom while his favorite band is playing just around the corner. So you can imagine Mr. Garnder’s surprise when he heard Rochester’s best venue for “ripping darts inside” was losing its entertainment license.
And he’s not the only one. More than 20 of the frailest-looking men in Rochester showed up on the steps of the historic building today to show their support for the concert hall.
“The doctor told me I have two good years and about a half of a really really bad one left,” said Travis Villafane. “I planned to use them seeing every show the Armory put on and making sure anyone that poops at the concert leaves smelling like the f***ed the Joe Camel.”
This is not the only group planning to protest the city’s decision to shut down the Main Street Armory. Tomorrow there will be a candlelight vigil featuring people that love inconvenient parking. This weekend will also feature a press conference from a group called “Humans That Love Hearing Their Favorite Artist In The Worst Acoustics Imaginable.”
Syracuse, NY – Ever since Jim Boeheim retired from being the Syracuse University basketball coach, there has been a gloomy feeling in the city. Partly because residents are worried the team may not experience the glory days the coach brought them ever again, but mostly because they’re worried every time they drive.
“He could be out there just driving around and being retired,” one resident told the Innerloop Blog. “It’s terrifying.”
While many outside of the city may have forgotten Mr. Boeheim’s fatal car accident, Syracuse citizens have not and his retirement has officials worried.
“We thank the coach for his commitment to this city but we also respectfully ask him to move to Arizona or Florida like the rest of the retired white folks from central new york,” said one city official backing a new unnecessary travel ban. “Until we can get him out of town, or to download Uber, this is our best option.”
Greece, NY – “I was born and raised in Greece NY without my consent.”
This is the basis of local man Tony Kester’s lawsuit against his parents and it will be up to a jury to figure out whether this is cause for Lary and Cindy Kester to see jail time or compensate their son for his “low quality of life.”
Tony says his parents “lived in that dump all of their lives, knew it was a dump, and still decided to bring more life into that dump.” According to his lawyer Paul Stallings, this act of procreation in Greece NY should qualify as “premeditated abuse” and his client is “entitled to justice for the damage caused to Mr. Kester.”
While we were unable to reach Tony’s mother or father for a comment we did receive a message from their lawyer who said the lawsuit is “nothing but bullsh**.”
Apparently, Paul Stallings is not even a real lawyer but instead just a guy that sells Tony weed. The “lawsuit” was written on the back of a JC Penny ad and Tony thought was enough to “take this sh** to people’s court.”
Ironically, Mr. Kester’s lack of understanding of how the law, or anything, works would be a great piece of evidence to prove being raised in Greece ruined his life before it even started.
Rochester, NY – We’re now in year two of Mayor Malik Evans term in Rochester and a new survey attempted to find out how residents were feeling about the local politician.
Turns out, they’re very indifferent.
“He’s not good, but he’s not bad either,” said one respondent. “He’s like Pontillo’s pizza. It’s not like he’s getting anyone excited but he’s also not going to ruin things.”
An overwhelming amount of Rochesterians had some advice for the mayor if he wants to score some cool points in time for the next election. It would require him to follow in the footsteps of his predecessor and have drugs or guns hidden in his home.
You may remember that former Mayor Lovely Warren’s home was raided and was found to contain cocaine, guns, and more than $100,000. She denied any knowledge of the illegal things going on in her primary residence and her estranged husband eventually went to jail for involvement in a drug ring.
But that doesn’t change the fact that it was kind of cool for a moment in time to have a “Scarface mayor.” At least that’s what one survey respondent wrote.
When asked what drugs they would be okay with an active Mayor having in their home, 99% of Rochesterians said they’d vote for Malik’s election campaign if they found out he had a “dope ass hydroponic chronic growing set up.”
To put these numbers in perspective the survey also found that only 2% of Rochester said they would vote for him if the police found a “stash of essential oils.”
Rochester, NY – The Rochester Music Hall of Fame just announced their newest inductees and it includes some of the most recognizable sounds in Western NY.
Boomers and Millenials that visited Seabreeze when their knees still worked will be happy to find the mixed tape played in the Gyrosphere will finally be getting the credit it deserves. The original ‘Fire on High’ cassette tape and “Twilight Zone” CD-R will be placed in the museum in a very special room that will mimic the experience from the amusement park ride.
“We’re going to be blasting those songs at a level that can only be describe as ‘ear-bleeding loud’ and there will be volunteers there to spit on you like the teenage passengers riding the Gyrosphere used to,” said a ROC Music HOF organizer.
The credit card reader at Wegmans is also getting enshrined for it’s well-known whimsical chime that lets shoppers know ‘we got your money again you idiot.’
Dansville, NY – After 41 years of delighting the skies of Western NY, the Dansville Balloon Festival is no more. There is no hot air balloon celebration on the calendar for 2023 but that is not the biggest news surrounding the event.
It may just be a bunch of hot air but a report leaked to The Innerloop Blog claims the Chinese Communist Party has been a silent partner in the festival for decades. We think it’s a pile of balloon-ey and we haven’t been blown away by any evidence to prove the claim.
“I don’t remember any spy technology,” says longtime festival-goer Denise Washenburg. “But I also don’t remember there not being spy technology either.”
The Dansville area was disappointed to hear the balloon festival would not be taking flight this year and some residents would be happy to see it return regardless of who the major sponsor happened to be.
“Seeing them balloons is literally the only thing we have going on in Dansville and if China wants to spy on us in exchange for this festival, I say go for it,” said one Dansvillian. “What are they going to do with a bunch of pictures of people smoking weed in Stony Brook State Park anyways?”
Hollywood, CA – According to Innerloop sources in Los Angeles an adaptation of Eminem’s “8 Mile” is in the works at one of the big streaming services… but with a twist. They’re updating the story and taking it from the mean streets of Detroit to the clean streets of the Rochester suburbs.
“5 Mile” is said to star Webster’s own Chris Perfetti as an upcoming SoundCloud rapper raised right on the border of Webster and Penfield on Five Mile Line Road. Going by the rap name “G Retriever” the main character struggles with living between two different worlds.
“He’s got a MAGA-loving Dad from Webster and he’s got a Target shopping addict mother from Penfield,” said writer Collin Stiles. “He has to balance school with his Twitch streaming life while figuring out how to keep the peace between his friends that shop at the Penfield Road Wegmans and others that shop at the Holt Road Wegmans.”
We have reached out to Eminem for a comment but have not received word from his people. We have however received many messages from the actor who played Cheddar Bob in the 2002 film asking if we could spot him $20.
Rochester, NY – Western NY is still dealing with the trauma of the Buffalo Bills loss against the Cincinnati Bengals, and some #BillsMafia members are taking it harder than others.
Since the beginning of the season, Ralph Wendle from Rochester has spoken about the Bills as if he were a part of them. He could be heard in his office saying “we’re going to win it all this year” or “we crushed them on Sunday.” But since the Bills got knocked out of the playoffs he has made a choice to change his football pronouns to “they.” As in, “they f***ing suck again” or “I can’t believe they s*** the bed like that” and “they cost me a f***-ton of money.”
We spoke to a local mental health expert who recommended we stop making all this dumb content for The Innerloop Blog but also told us that Mr. Wendle’s story isn’t uncommon.
“It’s called bipolar fandom dysphoria. When the team is doing well, they feel like they’re a part of it and actually contributing to the losses even though all they’re doing is drinking heavily on a Sunday afternoon. But when the team is struggling, they disassociate from the team and refer to them in the third-person point of view. In some extreme cases, they may even feel like they identify as a fan of another team.”
Rochester, NY – “We’ve offered gift cards before but nothing has worked like this,” said Officer Darrell Peterson.
In an effort to keep guns off the streets of Rochester the city has offered chances for people to turn in weapons, no questions asked, in exchange for money. These Gun Buyback events have been sparsely attended in the past but that all changed today after they switched from offering cash to handing out produce. More specifically one egg per gun.
“It was insane that they thought $50 was enough for me to turn in my guns,” said one anonymous man we spoke to carrying a dozen eggs outside the event. “Now that they’ve got something that’s good, I’ll be back!”
The Rochester Police Department estimates that 95% of the weapons turned in came from drug dealers who are transitioning into chicken farmers.
“We’re going from slinging rocks to selling yolks,” said one former gang member. “Drug money is good but that egg money is like generational wealth.”