Orchard Park, NY – Along with the stipulation that all fans in attendance next season, the Buffalo Bills have announced a new task force that will be conducting spontaneous COVID-19 tests of all the folding tables in the tailgating section.
This is in response to a recent study that found 99% of the surfaces that Bills Mafia heaves their bodies through are actually imported from China.
“Listen, we know it’s not good to point any fingers with who started this whole thing but just out an abundance of caution, we’re going to be swabbing them for fan safety,” said an anonymous Health Official.
The Table Safety Force will be out for every home game conducting swab tests to make sure each table is completely coronavirus free before any grown man use them to break their own collarbone.
Fairport, NY – The lift bridge in Fairport bridge had been expected to reopen in November of 2020 but as you’ve probably read on your mom’s friends’ Facebook posts, that sucker is still closed to this day for construction.
Since this is a lift bridge we do need to clarify that when we say “closed” we mean “closed to car traffic.” Not “closed so that car traffic can cross over it.” It can all get confusing so to put it terms the average Rochesterian can understand, “sh**s f***ed.”
After months of no news, The Innerloop Blog has just received word from the head muckety mucks in Fairport. Turns out after all of this time receiving angry mail from residents they’ve finally caved and come up with a plan to get them across the Erie Canal in a timely fashion.
“We’re going to place some really big trampolines on each side. It’s the best solution we could come up with that was both Green and helped with our town’s fitness initiatives,” said one reprehensive.
They expect the idea won’t be a hit until the first really hot day of the summer and the Ice Cream Factory has a short line on the other side of the canal.
Rochester, NY – The Asset Protection team at a local Wegmans was left confused after a man barehanded a pile of groceries out of the store today.
“We really couldn’t tell if he was robbing us or if we’ve gone full ALDI with people bear-hugging their crap to their car,” said Security Member Seth Greendorg.
The Innerloop Blog managed to track down the man and ask him what his deal was and he said he had once again forgot to bring in his reusable bags which he says have made it “1000-times easier to shoplift with.”
Rochester, NY – New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo is currently under investigation for harassment allegations by several women. While it appears as though he will be staying put for a while, and that an impeachment hearing could drag on for months, NY legislators have taken some steps to give the women in question some justice.
It was just announced that ‘harassed by Cuomo’ has been added to the list of comorbidities that qualify folks for the current phase of the vaccine. And to give you an the of just how many women are accusing the Governor of misconduct, following the guideline change, there has been a giant boom in female appointments statewide.
“I don’t know if he had a really bad night at SUNY Old Westbury during a speech or something but appointments instantly filled up there,” said one health official.
Cuomo has denied any wrongdoing but is reportedly amazed by how many women are consenting to get injected.
Rochester, NY – With the St. Patrick’s Day parade cancelled for the second year in a row, Rochester man Derek Morgen has decided to try and recapture some of the glory at home.
After trying to figure out what really makes the parade so special, Morgen decided it really comes down to one thing. “Getting hammered drunk while the sun is out and there are children nearby.”
For some reason, Rochester’s St. Patty’s parade has always been an odd mix of drunk 20-somethings that started drinking at 9am and families of young kids who have been sitting out in the cold since 7am trying to get a good spot to watch the mediocre floats.
“I chugged a bunch of Guinness while my neighbors kids were out playing catch,” said Morgen. “It felt just like I was back on Main Street again!”
Rochester, NY – After being overtaken with jealousy with Chicago’s tradition of dying their river green for St. Patrick’s Day, Rochesterians have taken celebrations into their own hands.
For today only, the folks living near the river will just be littering green products into the Rochester waterway. To clarify, this doesn’t mean “green” in the sense that their good for the environment. We’re seeing products with green packaging floating in the river like Sour Cream and Onion bags, Mountain Dew cans, and Applejacks boxes.
The Innerloop Blog reached out to city officials to ask why we do not dye our river green and we were told that scientists have ruled that dye is “far too healthy for the local fish to process through their gills.” Apparently after years of swimming in pollution the local aquatic life needs to have water that’s at least 99% pee and trash.
Fun fact: “99% pee and trash” is also a recent review of the Innerloop Podcast. Check it out at www.Patreon.com/innerloop
Rochester, NY – Frank McCunghis has had an “F*** Cuomo” yard sign and bumper sticker since Governor Andres Cuomo was first elected but now he’s swapped out the sign for a “Believe Women” sign.
The Innerloop Blog reached out to the Webster man to see if the switch was simply a way to reframe his hatred of Cuomo to appeal to his liberal neighbors and McCunghis told us:
“Am I worried about him grabbing my guns more than my privates? Hell yes! But I don’t let my “Hillary Sucks, Monica Swallows” shirt fool you. I support my female friends! I might be a douchebag but I ain’t that kind of douchebag, you dig?”
Rochester, NY – Conservative radio host Bob Lonsberry is so fed up with cancel culture that he’s releasing a new line of children’s toys to try and stop another generation of sliding further to the left.
Following Hasbro’s announcement that they were “cancelling” Mr Potato Head’s prefix, Lonberry quickly found a local partner to make a new line of hyper-binary toys built to show kids that there are only two choices. “Either your vegetables have a pee-pee or they have a bergihna. That’s just basic agriculture,” said Lonsberry in a statement.
The toys will be available for only a short time at Kimberly and Beck’s new business venture, the White Nationalist Museum Of Play.
Rochester, NY – Following the news that no officers will be charged following an investigation into the death of Daniel Prude, the Rochester Police Department has announced they’ve hired a new member to help them deal with the fallout.
“We’ve noticed a surge in cases of our officers getting slaps on the wrist from the people in charge of our oversight,” says an RPD Spokesperson. “All of that lack of accountability really weighs on these brave men and women so we’ve decided to use some of our budget to bring on an occupational therapist full-time.”
The health care professional’s main task will be making sure the officers’ wrists do not sustain any long-term damage from getting let off by grand jury investigations.
The police spokesperson confirmed this is a very important role stating “wrists are very important to our staff as they’re often what we use to put our body weight into someone’s neck while restraining them.”
Rochester, NY – It was announced this week that amusement parks will be able to open as early as April this summer in New York and Seabreeze is planning to allow 33% capacity to start off with.
“Good,” says little Tommy McCallister. The third grader says he loves the park but he is especially excited to finally get back to licking the handrails in the lines for rides as people behind him look on in horror.
“As far as taste goes, the Jack Rabbit handrails are a delicious vintage of rust but my favorite has to be the bumper cars. They’re located close enough to the fried dough that everything tastes sweet.”