All posts by Shane Allen

Comedian and Creator of The Inner Loop Blog

“Elbow Donations” Overtakes Viagra as Most Discussed Topic Between Doctors And Western NY Men

Rochester, NY – “Boner pills” has been dethroned in Western NY. According to a recent Innerloop Blog poll of primary care physicians more men are now asking if it’s possible to donate their elbow.

“Every appointment and email I’ve had this week from patients has been to see if they are an elbow match with Josh Allen,” says Dr. Roberto Garcia. “It’s a nice change of pace from having to explain the side effects of Viagra.”

Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen injured his elbow during their loss to the NY Jets and is currently listed as “Day-To-Day.” It appears fans have no hope in the teams backup QB because Bills Mafia have been more than happy to live the rest of their life with one arm if it meant “QB1 can keep chucking darts to Diggsy.”

Our Bills insider confirms the team is not looking for fans to donate bones or ligaments just yet.

“If anything we would have to go to the zoo and harvest something from a wolf strictly based off how much dog Josh has inside him” said an unnamed source who reiterated that he has no medical background.

The Innerloop Blog’s Roast Battle

The Innerloop Blog’s Roast Battle

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2022

DOORS: 7PM   |   COVER: $10

Spicy material and spicier sauce! 16 comics will battle it out in a bracket-style tournament with a twist… At the begining of each round they’ll have to eat some of the hottest sauces that Rochester has to offer courtesy of Flower City Flavor Company, Pepper Nutz, and RJ’s Gourmet Sauces.

Come out for a fun night of verbal violence and great beer at Three Heads Brewing. No presale tickets so get there early to get a spot because this show will SELL OUT quick!

Buffalo Bills Release Renderings Of Future Men’s Bathrooms Featuring Tiered Troughs

Orchard Park, NY – This week the Buffalo Bills released a few renderings of their new stadium but The Innerloop Blog was given the first look at one of the most critical areas to fans. The men’s restroom.

According to some of the insiders working on the project, the urinals have been built with “nostalgia” in mind.

They will feature two trough urinals stacked on top of each other. “One for kids and short fellas, another for tall guys and dudes that have drank enough that their stream can reach the extended height.”

When asked about upgrades to the restrooms the builders told us that they made sure to spend “the least amount of time conceptualizing the bathroom” but did factor in that men will “undoubtedly be peeing into the sink no matter what we do.”

To combat the smell and germs of that inevitability they plan to install a  Wegmans Produce Style Spraying System that will go off every fifteen minutes to wash away “old piss and make way for new piss.”

The plans interestingly also do not include soap dispensers as years of bathroom use at the old stadium proved no one is actually washing their hands, making soap an easy budget cut.

Local Man Haggling At The Rochester Public Market Manages To Save 35¢

Rochester, NY – Local man Dennis Decampo has been going to the Rochester public market every Saturday morning for the past 10 years and loves the fantastic produce, but above all else, Dennis loves to haggle.

“I dare you to try and tell the cashier at Wegmans you aren’t paying full price for bananas,” Decampo told the blog.

At his most recent public market run, Dennis managed to have his “best haggling day ever.”

He was able to talk his favorite tomato guy into shaving a nickel off of his price, he saved a dime on some bruised plums with another vendor, and after complaining about how phallic a bushel of carrots looked, the person working the table took 20¢ off their price so Decampo would stop making a scene.

“Listen I know 35¢ doesn’t seem like a lot to some people but it adds up,” says Decampo. “Sure, I have annoyed enough people working at the public market that I have been banned from several of the tables but that’s the cost of saving!”

Brighton Woman Misquotes Commercial Jingle, Gets Disowned By Family

Brighton, NY – Brianna Redd (25), a lifelong Rochestarian, left friends and family in stunned silence at a party Friday evening when she loudly said “Oh, you were hurt in a car!? You should call William Mattar at 888-8888!”

Not catching her mortifying faux pas, Redd looked around in confusion at the stunned faces as realization slowly crept its way in, “Oh no,” she whispered, “what have I done?” Greg, Redd’s boyfriend of five years, said as he pulled away from her, “If you’re hurt in a car, you call William Mattar at 444-4444. How could you not know that?” An embarrassed Redd tried to explain she just misspoke but her mother cut in saying, “I thought I had the TV raise you better than that!” before crying into her husband’s chest.

Redd was notified this morning that her family is currently taking steps to disown her and that they’re not worried about the motion passing through courts since “Brianna clearly doesn’t know the number to dial for a good lawyer.”

At press time, Redd was seen sitting in front of a television memorizing and writing down all local jingles so she wouldn’t have to go through such a humiliating experience ever again.

Irondequoit Oktoberfest Cancellation Gives Polka Band Chance to Learn Third Song

Irondequoit, NY – The Irondequoit Oktoberfest was canceled in 2020 due to the pandemic and has not made its return to Camp Eastman since.

According to an Innerloop survey, the top three things that Irondequoitians miss the most about the giant tent party are:

(3) Strudel
(2) The smells of the nearby wastewater treatment facility
(1) The sweaty polka band that knows two songs

We reached out to the Oktoberfest bands to see what they’ve been up to in the now two-year hiatus and they shared some very exciting news with us.

First, their cardiologists are quite pleased with what the break from schnitzel and dark beer has done for their heart health. Second, they’ve been using this time off to practice their craft and are nearly done learning a third song.

“We just want fans to know we’re still going to play the ziggy zoggy oi oi oi song 50 times in one night if Oktoberfest ever comes back,” said the band’s tuba player.

Rochester Man Rage Tweets About Gas Prices Inside Car He Remote Started

Rochester, NY – Rochester man Garett Spagonian is fed up with the price of gasoline in this area. So much so that he’s committed to driving to every gas station in town with stickers of President Joe Biden that say “I Did That” so that everyone knows who is really to blame for this crisis.

And with temperatures being as low as they are, he’s made sure to run his car in the driveway for at least ten minutes before he takes his vandalism tour on the road.

Garett is among the many local idiots that have zero comprehension of how gas prices work. Despite being one Google search away from knowing that a sitting President can not control the short-term price of oil, he would prefer to blame the “demo-crooks” and “libtards” for ruining his bank account.

“I was so mad yesterday that I couldn’t even go inside after work,” said Spagonian. “I sat in my car and shot out at least 20 videos yelling ‘Let’s Go Branden’ to all my social feeds. I got a lot of good feedback but there were a lot of people complaining that they couldn’t hear my rants over the sound of my car heat on full blast.”

Defeated Man Pulls Winter Clothes Out Of Storage For The Fifth Time This Month

Rochester, NY – Local man Joshua Benson has checked himself into a psychiatric ward due to the rapid shifts in weather here in Rochester.

Mental health experts say Benson suffers from “climate dementia” where they assume because the sun is out one day that the Western New York winter is done. Eventually the shifting back-and-forth between summer and winter clothes becomes too confusing for their brain to process.

“I swear it was only a few days ago that I was concerned about getting a sunburn,” says Benson, “but today it I got frostbite?”

Dr Susan Danvonovich says the best thing for Rochesterians to prevent climate dementia is to keep their winter clothes out until July.

“To be safe I would also travel with a winter jacket and snow pens in your car at all times,” days Dr. Danvonovich. “You don’t want to be in a situation where you tell another person ‘I thought it was going to be a warm day and I forgot my jacket.’ That’s a one-way ticket to the nut House.”

RPD Checkpoint at the End of St Patrick’s Parade Leads to 57 DWI Arrests

Rochester, NY – The saint Patrick’s Day parade made it’s return to downtown this weekend and it ended up seeing records.

Not in attendance or participation but for DWI tickets.

The holidays usually mean a step up in law enforcement in regards to people driving intoxicated but for the first time in parade history, the last stop for all floats was a sobriety check by RPD officers.

In total offices hit 57 drivers in the parade with tickets for driving drunk and according to one policeman, it could have been more.

“The only reason we stopped was because our breathalyzer exploded,” says Deputy Nick Telling.

Study: Daylight Savings and Parade Day to Blame for Six Hours Rochesterians “Do Not Remember”

Rochester, NY – This past weekend marked the return of the St Patrick’s Day parade downtown and also marked the time of the year we “spring forward” our clocks. Local sleep experts call this the “perfect storm” of throwing off our equilibrium.

“People we’re getting black out drunk and passing out for hours on parade day,” said Dr. Thornsborg of the Rochester Sleep Center. “Then their friends were carrying them to bed where they lost an hour of sleep to daylight savings.”

This phenomena is known as “alcoholic time traveling” and it is said to result in a 85% drop in work attendance the week that these two events combine.