All posts by Shane Allen

Comedian and Creator of The Inner Loop Blog

The Roast Of Rochester

The Roast of Rochester

Location: Comedy At The Carlson, 50 Carlson Road, Rochester, NY
Date: Friday, June 3rd from 7:30pm to 10:00pm

Description: The Gentlemen’s Club featuring Mark Maira and Shane Allen of The Innerloop Blog presents The Roast of Rochester. Garbage plates, the Fast Ferry, and the weather will all be on the menu as local celebrities and comedians take on The Flower City.

GET TICKETS TODAY!

Rochester Man Rage Tweets About Gas Prices Inside Car He Remote Started

Rochester, NY – Rochester man Garett Spagonian is fed up with the price of gasoline in this area. So much so that he’s committed to driving to every gas station in town with stickers of President Joe Biden that say “I Did That” so that everyone knows who is really to blame for this crisis.

And with temperatures being as low as they are, he’s made sure to run his car in the driveway for at least ten minutes before he takes his vandalism tour on the road.

Garett is among the many local idiots that have zero comprehension of how gas prices work. Despite being one Google search away from knowing that a sitting President can not control the short-term price of oil, he would prefer to blame the “demo-crooks” and “libtards” for ruining his bank account.

“I was so mad yesterday that I couldn’t even go inside after work,” said Spagonian. “I sat in my car and shot out at least 20 videos yelling ‘Let’s Go Branden’ to all my social feeds. I got a lot of good feedback but there were a lot of people complaining that they couldn’t hear my rants over the sound of my car heat on full blast.”

Defeated Man Pulls Winter Clothes Out Of Storage For The Fifth Time This Month

Rochester, NY – Local man Joshua Benson has checked himself into a psychiatric ward due to the rapid shifts in weather here in Rochester.

Mental health experts say Benson suffers from “climate dementia” where they assume because the sun is out one day that the Western New York winter is done. Eventually the shifting back-and-forth between summer and winter clothes becomes too confusing for their brain to process.

“I swear it was only a few days ago that I was concerned about getting a sunburn,” says Benson, “but today it I got frostbite?”

Dr Susan Danvonovich says the best thing for Rochesterians to prevent climate dementia is to keep their winter clothes out until July.

“To be safe I would also travel with a winter jacket and snow pens in your car at all times,” days Dr. Danvonovich. “You don’t want to be in a situation where you tell another person ‘I thought it was going to be a warm day and I forgot my jacket.’ That’s a one-way ticket to the nut House.”

RPD Checkpoint at the End of St Patrick’s Parade Leads to 57 DWI Arrests

Rochester, NY – The saint Patrick’s Day parade made it’s return to downtown this weekend and it ended up seeing records.

Not in attendance or participation but for DWI tickets.

The holidays usually mean a step up in law enforcement in regards to people driving intoxicated but for the first time in parade history, the last stop for all floats was a sobriety check by RPD officers.

In total offices hit 57 drivers in the parade with tickets for driving drunk and according to one policeman, it could have been more.

“The only reason we stopped was because our breathalyzer exploded,” says Deputy Nick Telling.

Study: Daylight Savings and Parade Day to Blame for Six Hours Rochesterians “Do Not Remember”

Rochester, NY – This past weekend marked the return of the St Patrick’s Day parade downtown and also marked the time of the year we “spring forward” our clocks. Local sleep experts call this the “perfect storm” of throwing off our equilibrium.

“People we’re getting black out drunk and passing out for hours on parade day,” said Dr. Thornsborg of the Rochester Sleep Center. “Then their friends were carrying them to bed where they lost an hour of sleep to daylight savings.”

This phenomena is known as “alcoholic time traveling” and it is said to result in a 85% drop in work attendance the week that these two events combine.

Local Man Excited to See What New Litter the Wind Storm Will Bring to His Yard

Rochester, NY – It was only yesterday that local man Stew Longman just got done cleaning his yard of littered face masks and reusable Wegmans bags. Today he’s been waiting to see what new treasures the wind in Rochester will bring him.

“I am really hoping my neighbor recycle bin blows over here because I could use another one,” Stew told the blog. “Also, I would love some condom wrappers to make their way into the yard so that people in this neighborhood think ‘I still got it’ you know.”

For the record, when Stew said “I still got it” he did make pelvic thrusts at our writer. It was clear that he indeed did not still have it.

Merriam-Webster Announces Name Change in an Effort to Distance Themselves From Webster NY

Springfield, MA – After nearly 200 years in the dictionary industry, Merriam-Webster has decided to change the name of their world-famous reference books.

In a statement released today, the company announced that they will now be known only as “Merriam’s Wordy McWord Book” following an online contest to choose a new name. They say that it’s a result of decades of complaints from people thinking they are named after the town of Webster.

“People who spend any amount of time in that town immediately write us saying they’ll never buy another one of our books and we can’t handle that loss of revenue anymore. Our headquarters are in Massachusetts but no matter how many times we tell people that, they do not listen, and instead complain about how bleakly caucasian this Western NY town is.”

The book was named after one of its founders Noah Webster but even the Webster estate is fine with the name change. “We changed our last name to Brighton years ago to avoid the same issues.”

“Beyond Dellarious: Immersive Experience” Art Exhibit Closes After Multiple Copyright Infringement Lawsuits

Rochester, NY – The “Beyond Van Gogh” exhibit is so popular in Rochester that other venues and artists are trying their hands at creating an immersive. But so far things aren’t looking good for one of the city’s most recognizable artists.

You may not know who Dellarious is but you’ve most definitely seen his art which is all over the city. His work featuring cultural icons and positive messages can be seen on walls and electric boxes in Rochester and you can buy his prints at places like the public market or even Wegmans.

Up until this point, there were no issues with his use of photographs like the multi-colored Rochester Police Department arrest photo of David Bowie. But that all changed when the “Beyond Dellarious: Immersive Experience” opened up.

After only being open for one hour, the venue was slapped with a multi-million dollar lawsuit for copyright infringement by the photographers who originally took the photos that Dellarious edits for his work.

A lawyer representing the photographers sent a statement to the Innerloop Blog claiming their clients were “fine when their work was being used to sell smaller prints but seeing their work blown up to the size of an entire room really pissed them off.”

One of the photographers commented on the Dellarious exhibit on Twitter saying “I took a picture of Taye Diggs and made $50 from it. This guy slaps four different filters on it, projects it into a living room, and is rolling in dough. Now I know how all these NFT idiots feel!”

Local Man Opens Windows To Let Fresh Air In And Four Months Of Accumulated Winter Farts Out

Rochester, NY – Like many Rochesterians, Albert Manigen wanted to take advantage of the warmer weather and get some fresh air into his home. Mr. Manigen opened up his doors and windows but couldn’t help but notice his next-door neighbors screaming “oh my god, what the hell is that!”
As we get closer to Spring, this is a phenomenon that our area will be experiencing more and more. Homes that have been closed up tight to keep their warm air in over the winter have also been accumulating an even more potent type of hot air. That which comes from an anus.
Scientists call it the “Western NY Cropdusting” effect and while farts are indeed hilarious, this is no laughing matter. This release of built-up farts into the atmosphere is said to do as much harm to the ozone layer as the methane emissions from almost all of the cattle farms on earth.
“Everyone wants to blame cow farts from global warming but the real ‘inconvenient truth’ is it’s actually the humans eating garbage plates and drinking Genny Cream Ale that is tooting away the ozone layer,” says climate scientist Glen Greeneth.

Skycoasters Threaten To Remove Music From Spotify, Say They Don’t Know How Their Nephew Got It On There

Rochester, NY – The Skycoasters may be joining the music industry’s push against Spotify and it has nothing to do with Joe Rogan.

A spokesperson for the Rochester-based band has told The Innerloop Blog that they’ve been on the phone with Spotify’s customer service trying to get their music off the platform for some time because they never consented to have it on there in the first place.

“One of the band member’s nephews put some MP3s on their thinking he could make a bunch of money for his crypto portfolio.”

According to fans, they’ve never searched Skycoasters on Spotify anyways so seeing them leave the platform won’t be much of a loss. “Us Coastheads say there’s only one way to listen to their music… Three Blue Lights deep at some summer festival while the sun is still out and your kids are passed out due to a kettle corn overload.”