ROCHESTER, NY — The long-troubled spirits of the Terrence Building issued a rare collective statement this week, thanking Governor Kathy Hochul for finally confronting what they called “the most ignored housing crisis in America,” following news that $20 million in state funds will be used to demolish the vacant psychiatric tower in hopes of building 400–500 affordable housing units.

“For decades we’ve been stuck in a 16-story limbo with peeling paint, busted elevators, and absolutely no tenants who are actually worth scaring,” said one resident apparition with no face. “We didn’t spend our afterlives learning dramatic corridor-walking techniques just to scare a couple of YouTubers named Jake screaming into a GoPro for ad revenue.”

Several ghouls said the demolition plan finally offers hope for “mixed-use haunting opportunities,” including the long-awaited return of families, children, and at least one nervous grandparent who notices things moving slightly in the hallway but refuses to say anything about it for three months. Others noted that while they will miss the building’s “industrial decay aesthetic,” they are excited for “better acoustics for soft footsteps and unexplained laughter at 3 a.m.”

ROCHESTER, NY — Local man Eric Nolan announced this morning on Facebook that he is officially “done with the Buffalo Sabres,” shocking his 17 followers who are all fully aware he started watching hockey approximately one month ago. Sources close to the newly devastated fan say Nolan became emotionally invested when the playoffs started and quickly made supporting the team his entire personality after multiple strangers said “Go Sabres” to him at Wegmans.

“This franchise doesn’t care about winning,” Nolan told The Innerloop Blog during an exclusive interview. He later referred to a fourth-line winger whose name he could not remember as “soft” before adding, “It’s the same thing every year with this team,” despite having no idea what happened during any of those years.

“A month ago, he thought the blue lines were part of the logo,” said one coworker. “Now he’s ripping down photos he made on the company printer and talking about rebuilding culture like he’s been emotionally trapped in Buffalo sports hell since birth.” At press time, Nolan was reportedly expected to fully recover emotionally and forget hockey exists when the Buffalo Bills training camp starts.

ROCHESTER, NY — A wax hand made at the Lilac Festival has led to arrests in multiple cold cases after investigators discovered the suspect enthusiastically preserved their own fingerprints in bright wax sometime around 2011. Authorities say the breakthrough came after a detective recognized the hand while attending a graduation party in Gates. The handmade souvenir has reportedly matched evidence connected to multiple unsolved murders throughout Monroe County.

The discovery also revealed that the Rochester Police Department has quietly maintained a massive fingerprint database compiled entirely from wax hands made at the Lilac Festival. According to sources close to The Innerloop Blog, the department began archiving the molds years ago after realizing thousands of Rochester residents were voluntarily paying $15 to create highly detailed forensic evidence of their own hands.

Officials described the system as “basically AncestryDNA for people who smell like kettle corn and weed.” Detectives say the database has already helped solve assaults, burglaries, and several Wegmans asset protection investigations.

ROCHESTER, NY — President and CEO of Strong Museum, Steve Dubnik, announced earlier this week that the nasty-ass Power Rangers game from Tiger that you found at Michael Roushie’s sleepover back in 4th grade made it into Strong Museum’s Video Game Hall of Fame. “The people have voted and they wanted to induct a game that was close to their heart and the reason for widespread staph infections in the early 2000s,” explained Dubnik during the induction ceremony.

Video Game Hall of Fame board member Dawn Williams speculated, “there’s a dangerous allure when reaching under your friend’s couch and grabbing a sticky-ass, gross-ass video game that can’t be matched.”  She continued on saying, “there’s a 95% chance it doesn’t even have batteries in it and a 100% chance you’re getting dried piss on your hands but you just want to grab that dirty-ass game.

At press time Steve Dubnik said that they will also be inducting your buddy’s “shitty-ass N64 controller with a rumble pack that he definitely shoved up his ass for pleasure,” in the Hall of Fame this year.

We ended up getting 728 responses for our Worst Of Rochester poll.  That’s too many. That’s more people than have ever voted for Mayor.

Here are the results. We’d love to hear your ideas for categories! If we use them, you’ll get a free pair of tickets to our LIVE SHOW next year.

WORST BATHROOM IN ROCHESTER

1. Lilac Festival Porto-Trailer – 335 Votes (46%)
2. LUX – 144 Votes (19.8%)
3. Mark’s Texas Hots – 106 Votes (14.6%)

WORST GARBAGE PLATE NAME

1. Hummer Plate – Fairport Hots – 206 Votes (28.3%)
2. Sticky Icky Plate – Sticky Lips – 190 Votes (26.1%)
3. Compost Plate – Red Fern – 146 Votes (10.4%)

WORST PARKING IN ROCHESTER

1. East Ave Wegmans – 264 Votes (40.7%)
2. Park Ave – 131Votes (18%)
3. Village of Fairport – 67 Votes (9.2%)

WORST ROAD IN ROCHESTER

1. West Ridge Road- 144 Votes (19.8%)
2. West Henrietta Road – 130 Votes (17.9%)
3. Lake Ave – 123 Votes (16.9%)

WORST ROCHESTER SUBURB

1. Greece – 560 Votes (76.9%)
2. Gates – 34 Votes (4.7%)
3. Pittsford – 76 Votes (2.9%)

WORST THING IN ROCHESTER

1. I.C.E – 296 Votes (40.7%)
2. RG&E – 257 Votes (35.3%)
3. People Blocking Aisles At Wegmans – 76 Votes(10.4%)

WORST VIRAL MOMENT

1. Maga Gorilla In Penfield – 282 Votes (38.7%)
2. Mountain Lion AI Posts – 198 Votes (27.2%)
3. Ridge Donut Staffing Rant – 97 Votes (13.3%)

ROCHESTER, NY  – Brownstein’s Bagel Bakery passed away tragically this week after a devastating fire swept through its Twelve Corners home. Brownstein’s quickly rose to prominence as the reliable morning companion of Brighton residents, known for its chewy everything bagels and cream cheese spreads.

Brownstein’s is survived by dozens of loyal customers who still giggle when they use the word “schmear.” Community members are concerned that the breakfast staple may never return and promise to cut a whole into the middle of every meal they eat until the owners rebuild.

ROCHESTER, NY — Brownstein’s Bagel Bakery passed away tragically this week after a devastating fire consumed its Twelve Corners home. Since the early 1980s, Brownstein’s had been a reliable morning companion for Brighton residents, beloved for its chewy everything bagels and generous cream cheese schmears.

Brownstein’s is survived by generations of loyal customers who still giggle when they say “schmear.” While the future remains uncertain, the community has vowed to cut a hole in the middle of every meal they eat until the bakery is rebuilt.

BRIGHTON, NY — In a shocking escalation of hostilities, Brighton resident Craig Hensley shattered months of delicate suburban peace Saturday afternoon by recklessly firing up his lawnmower and completing the first mow of the season. Witnesses say Hensley, 46, started cutting his front yard near Twelve Corners around 1:14 p.m., sending shockwaves through the otherwise quiet Brighton neighborhood and kicking off a full-scale lawn care arms race.

“We had an understanding,” said neighbor Tim Rourke, seen frantically fueling up his mower in his driveway off Elmwood Avenue. “April was supposed to be a neutral zone. Now it’s every man for himself.” Within minutes, the sound of Hensley’s Toro echoed across the tree-lined streets, triggering a chain reaction. By 2 p.m., what was once a peaceful Saturday had turned into a chaotic battlefield of riding mowers, leaf blowers, and bitter glares over property lines that haven’t been surveyed since 1978.

At press time, several houses near Buckland Park had already planted “Best Lawn” signs in their yards, and reports indicated that the Home Depot on Jefferson Road was experiencing a run on mulch, fertilizer, and passive-aggressive lawn décor. Town officials urged residents to “mow responsibly” and reminded everyone that the true enemy is, and always has been, the dandelions. Experts warn that if tensions continue to escalate, Brighton could see a full-blown patio power-washing offensive by next weekend.

ROCHESTER, NY — In a display of true Western New York resilience, local resident Kyle Denton discovered that the severe sunburn he acquired last week during the region’s brief flirtation with summer was completely alleviated by the frostbite he sustained today.

“Honestly, it’s kind of nice,” said Denton, who had been basking in the 68°F warmth on April 2 like he was auditioning for a Corona commercial. “My shoulders were peeling like a sun-dried tomato, but now they’re just numb. Nature heals.”

Medical professionals expressed a mix of confusion and admiration for Denton’s unique healing process. “It’s rare, but not unheard of in this region,” said Dr. Robert Croft of Rochester General Hospital. “When a person transitions from second-degree burns caused by an April heatwave to frostbite from a sudden snowstorm, the body’s tissues seem to neutralize each other. He’s basically back to neutral.”

ROCHESTER, NY — In a devastating blow to spring optimism, meteorologists confirmed Monday that the unseasonable snowfall blanketing the city is a direct result of you storing your winter clothes “like a cocky little moron.” The shocking revelation came after dozens of residents were spotted wearing shorts, hoodies, and general smugness just days before the snow relapse.

“We warned you this could happen,” said a local weather expert, gesturing toward a Doppler radar pulsing with pure spite. “You packed away your scarves, and now the atmosphere is retaliating.”

The suspect at the center of the meteorological meltdown, a 35-year-old man from Irondequoit, reportedly made the mistake of publicly declaring, “I think we’re done with snow” while vacuum-sealing his Buffalo Bills winter hats on Sunday. “I was just trying to Marie Kondo my closet,” the man said while scraping ice off his windshield with a  Wegmans Gift Card. “This definitely sparks zero joy.”