Penfield, NY – There’s a new restaurant in town and it’s all the east side is talking about. The Bar-Bill Tavern, a staple of Buffalo, just opened up a new location on Empire Boulevard in Penfield and if you want to know how good their food is, all you need to do is ask any of your friends that have been to a Bills game in the past few years.

Most of the Rochesterians that are overly excited about the new Bar-Bill share the same story. They either ate the wings while pregaming at a Buffalo Bills game or got them on the way home from the game. Either way, their BAC while eating said food averaged about .2 or above.

“I don’t remember much about the night I was there but I do remember those wings slap,” says the guy you hang out with that you didn’t invite to your wedding.

Greece, NY – The teddy bear that stole our hearts this week is now breaking them after it was discovered the stuffed animal has gone criminal.

You may have seen the photos of the teddy bear a local woman found abandoned on 104 in Greece and her campaign online to find its rightful owner. What you haven’t seen yet is the shocking update that after no one came forward, the abandoned teddy decided to take to the streets and turn to a life of crime to get by.

“It’s like the Rochester version of Corduroy,” said an RPD officer, “but instead of a lost button, this bear is on the hunt for his next big score.”

The once-huggable creature you saw online has now become a cunning bandit, honing its skills under the cloak of darkness. It used to be a source of comfort, but now its presence strikes fear into all children that cross its path.

According to arrest records sent to The Innerloop Blog by an anonymous source, the bear was caught last night joining in the trend of stealing Kias. Thanks to bail reform and a sympathetic judge who still sleeps with their childhood stuffed animal, the teddy is back out on the streets.

Rochester, NY – A shocking new study has found that if it weren’t for the hallowed tradition of the 7th inning stretch during Rochester Red Wings games, a majority of local citizens would never bother stretching at all. In fact, if the city’s minor-league baseball team did not exist, almost 95% of all Rochesterians would go from the last gym class of their senior year to the grave without stretching.

The study, aptly titled “Stretching: The Elusive Art of Movement in Rochester,” meticulously examined the stretching habits of the local population. Researchers were astounded to find local residents were only stretching out while “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” was playing in the background.

Dr. Al Fleximus, the lead researcher on the study, expressed his astonishment, saying, “We expected some degree of stretching apathy, but we never anticipated such a dramatic dependency on the 7th inning.”

The researchers were even more astounded to find zero people have participated in Wegmans micro stretch breaks in the past decade.

Rochester, NY – Plans for a casino to be built in downtown Rochester were revealed last week and while politicians are calling it a bad idea, many local experts are saying it could have some incredible ripple effects in our area. More specifically in helping with the local housing market.

Browsing for a home in Rochester right now is like trying to use a dating app in your 30s. The good-looking ones will be off the market in 6 days or less and the ones in your budget are extremely damaged and in need of full rehab. Experts say the casino downtown could be the only way to actually fix the homebuying nightmare in Rochester.

“It’s simple economics really,” says the first guy we found wearing a tie at RIT. “There’s a record low supply for homes in Monroe County, and the demand is high. If people start losing their homes, or are unable to pay their mortgage, because of the bets they’re placing downtown, we’re going to have more homes available.”

When we asked what these poor souls losing their homes are going to do for a place to live, the so-called expert told us they “have to go to class” and road off on a longboard.

Rochester, NY – The arrival of wildfire smoke from Canada caused an interesting sunrise this morning and a warning about air quality but there’s another side effect that’s sparking the local economy. The thick haze of smoke has ignited a burning desire for the gooey, chocolatey treat, known as a S’more.

Rochesterians who haven’t sat around a campfire since last fall have been triggered like The Winter Soldier by the smell of burning wood and have flocked to grocery stores to buy up marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate bars. Wegmans is saying they haven’t seen a boom in sales like this since the great toilet paper crisis of 2020 when Western NY’s biggest concern about a global pandemic was keeping their butthole clean.

People from all walks of life are gathering around local firepits and the public grills in Monroe County Parks to toast marshmallows to their liking. There were also rumors of a large bonfire out downtown but that turned out to just be a rental property that was on fire for the third time this week.

Teddy Penderson from Park Ave is seizing on the trend and has launched a special gourmet marshmallow with a local twist. Somehow he’s figured out a way to stuff them with meat hot sauce and make the white outsides taste like macaroni salad. Mr. Penderson told The Innerloop Blog that he credits the invention to “another kind of Canadian fire” and showed us a giant bag of weed he bought from a guy in Toronto.

Fairport, NY -The annual Fairport Canal Days festival ended in tragedy this weekend as one patron is now being forced out of her home due to the popular local celebration.

“Every other booth was selling a cool looking, non-functional, decorative cutting board,” says Sally Flondon, “and I just couldn’t resist supporting these artists.”

Ms. Flondon told us she spent all of her savings on these cutting boards on Saturday and ended up opening a line of credit with one of the banks that had a booth set up at Canal Days on Sunday so she could go through the festival again to buy wooden signs.

“Can you honestly tell me you can walk past a piece of wood that has ‘It’s Wine O’Clock Somewhere’ carved into it and not buy it?” says Flondon.

Sally says she was already behind on mortgage payments because she also bought a “stupid amount of expensive pottery over at the Lilac this year.” She plans to raise enough money to buy a pop-up tent and sell all of these items at the Corn Hill Arts Festival next month.

Rochester, NY – Do you remember eating something sweet and salty at the Lilac Festival this year? What was it? Can’t remember? Are you freaking out?

Much like many Rochesterians you most likely remember standing in a long line and feeling like you got ripped off but you can not remember exactly what you ate. You also won’t have a craving for it again until lilacs are in bloom again.

That is because there is a strong magic force working against you. There is a tasty treat called “Kettle Corn” that is made at the Lilac Festival by a group of plain-clothed wizards and witches. The popcorn coven has learned that they can make enough money working one week a year at the local festival but the most important piece of their business plan is making sure Rochesterians do not buy this readily available product at any other point of the year.

To make sure demand stays low until the festival the Kettlers Of Satan cast a spell upon all of Rochester to make them forget the sweet, buttery corn exists. They mix lilac petals with half popped kernels and the blood of a virgin and dump the mixture into the Genesee River. There is a chant that they would not disclose but according to our field reporter it sounded a lot like the Buffalo Bills touchdown song replacing the word ‘Bills’ and ‘Shout’ with ‘Kettle Corn’ and ‘shit tons of cash.’

“We serve food out of a giant caldron so we’re a little disappointed no one caught on that we were magic folk before now,” said Master Ketteler Odarin the Potent.

Rochester, NY – In a shocking move the AHL has removed the Rochester Americans from the Calder Cup Playoffs after a new study revealed only 42% of their roster was born in the United States.

“Most of them are actually Canadian and there’s a lot of Swedes as well,” said the AHL Commissioner Bennett Mercer. “Their whole season is a fraud.”

The Americans just won their first game in the North Division Finals against the Toronto Marlies but it’s looking as though their opponent will coast into the next round if the league’s decision to eject the Rochester team from the playoffs stands.

“We’re fighting the decision,” said an Amerks representative. “Are many of our players from different countries? Yes. Do we force them to take citizenship tests to wear the Americans crest? No. Would it make more sense if we had a team name that was an inanimate object instead of a Nationality? 100%.”