Rochester, NY – During their victory lap on social media, local conservatives took a moment to come together and agree to New York’s first female governor an entire day before they start attacking her character online.
Lt. Gov. Kathy Hochul is now in charge after Andrew Cuomo resigned and local republicans have decided to give her an entire 24-hour period before they start lamenting over every policy decision and call her either a communist, Marxist, or connect her to any pedophile/cannibals secret societies.
“It’s going to be one of the hardest things we’ve ever had to do,” said Kent Stollsmith, the moderator of the ‘Rochester Republicans Against Cuomo And Every Democrat That Still Breathes’ Facebook group. “It’s going to be tough but so is casting your ballot for a Republican in New York so we’re used to the pain.”
Rochester, NY – Rochesterians were shocked to see controversial comedian Louis CK announce a show at Kodak Center next month and the surprises don’t stop there.
Andrew Cuomo is expected the resign from his position as New York’s governor and immediately join CK a tour they’re naming “Me Too’d? Me Too!”
If you missed it, Cuomo just had a 165-page report released this week by the New York state attorney general that says he sexually harassed 11 women. A spokesman for the governor says he also has “165-pages of standup material that he’s been sitting on for years.”
We reached out to CK’s team for confirmation and they sent back a Zoom link featuring a man with sparse red pubes masturbating on the other end.
Webster, NY – Superstar Post Malone was just in Webster, NY for his cousin’s wedding and the town is now trying to make sure he never returns.
Word spread that the rapper was in town via Webster Neighborhood pages on Facebook faster than the location of the latest ANTIFA protest. Many were shocked but many more were concerned that Post Malone did not support the local economy.
“We all saw pictures of this face-tattoo having rapper at a wedding but you know what we didn’t see? A picture of him buying loosely packed meat at Hegedorns” says Jacob Ferdermin of Webster.
There is now a petition on the desk of the town supervisor begging to ban Post Malone from ever stepping foot in either the town or village of Webster. It does include a clause however that he can wipe this ban from this record if he agrees to get blackout drunk at The Coach or Burkes and drive around town “like a good Websterian would.”
Canandaigua, NY – In an effort to make the crosswalks safer for pedestrians and increase the amount of speeding tickets they can hand out, the City Of Canandaigua has announced they have once again reduced the speed limit on main street.
“Originally we were going to make it so you would just have to coast off of the thruway and put your car in neutral but this seemed more reasonable,” said city planner Bart Scarn.
The plan now is to have drivers get out of their car and push and whatever speed they are able to achieve through the stop lights is what they will be limited to. The average Canandaiguan should now expect to add three hours to their drive time while commuting.
Rochester, NY – “We don’t just care about our dawgs we care about all dogs” says local gang member T-Bone.
According to Mr. Bone, this was the major reason that all local gangs and Rochester have agreed to sync up their gunshots to the fireworks displays held the 4th of July.
“I’ve got pups at home too and they don’t deserve to be more scared than they have to be,” says another local gang member who told us he wanted to “keep his name a secret” and to “give me your wallet and phone.”
Rochester emergency rooms are preparing for this evening and have divided one team dedicated to gun shot wounds and another for “DUFIs” aka drunk uncle firework injuries.
Rochester, NY – Hometown heroes Joywave have released a new EP but the celebration has been short lived because a staple of their band has announced they are quitting the band.
Inspired by Mumford & Sons banjoist leaving the band to chase his dreams of posting long, boring social media posts about “cancel culture” or something equally as important, Daniel Armbruster’s mustache has decided to leave the band.
The Innerloop Blog has caught up with the mustache, and according the tuft of hair, it has supported the vocalist for many years but can no longer sit idly on his lip while he shares lyrics it disagrees with.
“I have tried many times to get more songs about how men refusing to wear the toothbrush mustache is unfair discrimination but all they want to do is make songs about feelings or some crap.”
The mustache is hoping to form a supergroup with Mumford’s banjoman, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock to finally make “tunes that mean something.”
Rochester, NY – Today is primary day in Rochester and as per Rochester tradition, citizens took to the polls to cast their ballots completely uninformed of who they were voting for.
“Other areas may elect their representatives based on facts or their positions on issues but Monroe County takes more of a spiritual approach,” says U of R political science major Martin Van Bluerger. “This is a ‘feel it out’ type of town.”
In fact, research shows that if a Rochesterian knows your name, it’s most likely a bad thing. Citizens of Monroe County only seem to be able to name their county legislators and elected judges after they have been caught committing some sort of crime. But it often takes about three to ten offenses for voters to feel motivated enough to get rid of them.
Rochester, NY – It’s with a huuuugely heavy heart that we share the news that former Rochester auto dealership owner Billy Fuccillo has died in his Florida home at 64 years old.
While funeral proceedings are currently unknown, The Innerloop Blog has been told by sources that his hearse will be a gorgeous, pre-owned 2016 Hyndau Elantra that only “had one previous owner who did not smoke.”
Experts are also predicting an huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge funeral procession filled with his past customers and employees.
Greece, NY – According to construction plans sent to The Innerloop Blog, Greece is planning on expanding West Ridge Road until it has 37 lanes total. The idea is to fix traffic issues but the experts say the move won’t even make a dent.
City Planning expert Titus Ahvinew predicts that even with the expansion that residents will still be getting cut off just as much “if not more.”
Mr. Ahvinew says “You can change the roads but you can’t change people from Greece.”
Greece, NY – Thomas Gordon was handed a mask while walking into a liquor store last March and he’s been using it daily ever since. But today he has officially retired the disposable piece of PPE that has gotten him through the pandemic.
“I just refused to believe that this thing was sticking around so I never wanted to waste my money on one of those fancy cloth masks everyone else is wearing.”
New York state has officially made it so vaccinated people do not have to wear masks anymore and Gordon is one of many Rochesterians giving up the face covering for good.
Is Gordon vaccinated? He refused to say. So it’s a safe bet that he is not.