All posts by Shane Allen

Comedian and Creator of The Inner Loop Blog

Evidence Suggests Milk and Bread Makers Control Lake Effect Snow

Rochester, NY – A shocking new leak claims the same people that put bread on our table, and milk in our cereal, are the ones behind the biggest winter storms in Western NY history.

A whistleblower sent The Innerloop Blog hidden camera footage of the leaders of the Lactose and Gluten industries appearing to perform a ritual of some sort. While the location was not disclosed to us, the footage appears to be near the shore of Lake Ontario.

According to our on-staff ritual expert, the blizzard conjuring involves a satanic-like summoning circle and the sacrificing of a snowman.

“From the chanting, it seems like the bread and milk executives are praying to the Penobscot tribal god Pamola,” explained our expert. “How they discovered such a powerful chant, we might never know, but shortly after covering the snowman in cow blood and dipping a loaf of bread into the remains, the entire screen goes white.”

The time stamp on the film lines up with the last blizzard we had in the Rochester area and also with the last time that Wegmans sold out of milk and bread.

Following Bills Loss, the City of Buffalo Moves to Ban All Coins

Buffalo, NY – “We lost because of a damn coin flip.”

Does this phrase sound familiar? That’s probably because it is what Buffalo Bills fans have been wrestling with ever since the overtime playoff loss to the Kansas City Cheifs.

This is also the first line for the new “NFL Is Rigged Amendment Of 2022” that is currently being pushed through the local government in Buffalo, NY.

“Our hope is to prevent any future coin flip-related losses by outright banning all coinage city-wide,” said lawmaker Rob Johnson who also would like us to note that he’s not THAT Rob Johnson. “The ban will mean only paper currency can be used by residents and this also means NFL referees will not be able to use them to decide the future of a franchise.”

The bill will allow Buffalo citizens to turn in their coins at a centralized location where they will receive their value in cash. “All coins will be melted down and crafted into a statue of Josh Allen which will be displayed outside the stadium.”

Tweets About Sweet Potatoes Confirmed As Closest Bills Fans Have Ever Been To Eating Vegetables

Buffalo, NY – This week the rivalry between the Bills and Chiefs fans hit a new level after a story of a secret sweet potato went viral.

Garrett Lee, a Buffalo Stan, revealed the team was undefeated in games he snuck an orange spud into the game and it launched a thousand tweets begging fans heading to Arrowhead to try to get as many of the root vegetable into the stadium as possible.

“I was very excited to see my patients posting about veggies,” said Dr. Minkowitz who practices medicine in Erie County. “For the most part, people in Buffalo only eat vegetables when they’re given out along side deep fried wings. But even then they must be dunked tip to tip in blue cheese or they’re deemed garbage.”

Dr. Minkowitz is just one of the many Buffalo area physicians who had they’re hopes dashed that their clients had finally turned a new leaf with their diets. I’m fact, an InnerLoop poll of medical professionals this week confirmed the conversation about sweet potatoes by Bills fans is the closest they’re patients have ever been to a balanced diet.

“Hopefully this whole thing will inspire folks to try and eat a sweet potato ever once in awhile,” said Dr. Minkowitz. “The only thing I know for sure is they won’t be dunking it into ranch dressing.”

Local Man Finishes Snow Blowing Driveway Just In Time To Be Six Hours Late For Work

Rochester, NY – Fred Saragossa decided to pull his snowblower out for its first run of the season today, but that choice ultimately lead to him being fired.

Before even opening his garage door, Fred spent a solid hour locating all of his good snow attire, including his lucky Bills scarf, and the insulated underwear that makes his junk “feel like they’re on vacation in Cancun.”

Now it was time to hit start on the snowblower but it wasn’t starting. After an oil change, adding gas, changing a spark plug, lubricating the chain, cleaning out the intake, and putting air in the tires, Fred figured out the issue was he forgot to plug it in.

Finally, Fred was ready to take care of the snow but after having to clean up the end of his driveway four times due to the plows “shoving 12 feet of bullshit into my life,” he ended up getting done clearing a path for his car at noon.

Unfortunately, his shift started at 6:00 AM. He received a message that he was fired as soon as he connected his phone to his car’s Bluetooth.

New Law Requires Every Garbage Plate Sold Before Noon To Include Therapy Referral

Rochester, NY – After a groundbreaking new study found that 100% of people consuming Garbage Plates before noon are among the most depressed in the nation, a new bill has been passed requiring all restaurants serving up a plate to provide mental health support.

Currently, a referral to a licensed mental health professional is required to be either printed directly on the go-to container or to be readily available by whatever sad cashier is working the lunch shift.

Soon the law will require all restaurants selling plates to have a therapist stationed at the counter and riding along with any delivery driver to perform a mental hygiene check on any Rochesterian willing to consume 4000+ calories during regular business hours.

Patrons who are visibly drunk, stoned, or hungover will be able to avoid the mental health requirements of the transaction.

Bills Mask Unretired After Brief Stay With Batteries and Well-Aged Soy Sauce Packets

Rochester, NY – New York Gov. Kathy Hochul has put a statewide mandate on masks starting today and many Rochesterians have spent most of their day trying to locate their face coverings.

“I didn’t think I would have to put this thing on again,” said Frank Averman of Greece. “I even sent a SnapChat to my friends of me farting on it with the caption ‘good riddance.'”

“I don’t get why I have to wear it if I am vaccinated,” said Jill Stenner of Webster. “I literally got my eighth dose today. They say you’re just supposed to get three on TV but I don’t trust the lamestream media. I have three of both Pfizer and Moderna with a Johnson and Johnson splashed in for funsies,” continued Stenner before collapsing in front of us shortly after.

The mandate will be in effect until at least Jan. 15 but experts predict things to get “pretty loosey-goosey with enforcing it” after a week.

Joywave’s Faucets Turn to Blood, Air Ducts Fill With Locusts as Pharaohs’ Curse Continues

Rochester, NY – By now you may have heard the story of Joywave’s drummer Paul Brenner receiving a package containing live scorpions but the Innerloop’s Music Correspondents have been informed the nightmare didn’t stop there.

According to reports, guitarist Joseph Morinelli was surprised this morning to find the water coming through his faucet was not water at all. It was blood.

It also appears lead singer Daniel Armbruster has also had issues at his apartment. RG&E was called to the premises this afternoon in response to a complaint that locusts were filling the building shortly after the heat kicked on.

After speaking to the band’s manager, it appears all of these problems started following Joywave’s trip to play a concert in Egypt. During a visit to a local museum, one of the members bumped into an ancient chest containing the remains of the priest Lufenamun. The canopic jars filled with the high priest’s mummified organs were cracked in the process and an old security guard in the museum could be heard yelling “the curse has been released” as he stormed out the building.

Thinking nothing of it, the band returned to the states and recorded their fourth album ‘Cleanse’ which is set for release on February 11th. The studio engineers say the music came together quickly for them, “almost as if they were possessed.” “We had to edit out a lot of mentions of sand and Nefertiti but it’s one of the best albums I’ve worked on,” said Greg Smorgen who produced the record.

After talking to a local Egyptian History expert, the running theory for all the danger Joywave has faced recently is that they’ve unlocked the five plagues of Sinai Desert on themselves when the mummified remains were disturbed. “They’ve had scorpions, blood, and locusts, so now all that’s left is the lesions on their skin and slumping album sales. That last one is because before becoming a priest, Lufenamun really tried to be a singer but was cast out when the Pharoah’s daughter said he sounded pitchy.”

Local Man Decides Visiting Sick Relative Not Worth Strong Hospital Parking Fees

Rochester, NY – Penfield resident Mary Lou Traggern has been in Strong Memorial Hospital for the last few days while fighting what she calls the “worst garbage plate revenge I’ve ever had.” She has been begging her nurses to reach out to her brother Bob to come visit and bring her some things. She believes her phone is not working because Bob is not answering her texts or calls.

The truth is that Bob hates parking at the hospital. “I just don’t understand why we have to pay for the honor of possibly getting MRSA while visiting a relative.”

When we told Bob there are some free parking options he told us he’s “my sister could be bleeding out and I would still never leave my car parked somewhere in College Town.”

Email Leak Reveals Bills Coach Sean McDermott Even Nicer Guy Than Fans Thought

Orchard Park, NY – Following the ousting of Raider’s coach Jon Gruden, the NFL decided to take a deep dive into the emails of all of their head coaches and what they’re investigation found out about Buffalo Bills coach Sean McDermott is truly shocking.

Emails from a decade ago, when McDermott was the defensive coordinator for the Carolina Panthers, reveal he never missed a player or coaching staff’s birthday, sending them E-Cards, and digital gift card

Further investigation into McDermott’s GPS revealed the coach would stay after games to help the Bank Of America staff clean the stadium and drive home any fans who had too much to drink. His browser history also revealed he’s never Rick Rolled anyone or visited 4chan.

Biden Announces Plan To Send Wegmans Asset Protection To Resecure U.S. Military Arms From Taliban

Washington DC – Millions of dollars in U.S. military weapons and vehicles were left in Afghanistan when the military pulled out of the country and America wants it back.

“I have decided to send in a force stronger than even SEAL Team Six,” said President Biden in a press conference this morning. “I have partnered with Wegmans Food Markets to send in their asset protection team to retrieve the weapons that got left behind.”

Not much is known yet about the plan to send in this elite security force but some military strategists say “based on how quickly these folks can take care of a shoplifter, we are expecting to have all of our assets back within the month.”

Wegmans could not be reached for a statement but the Innerloop’s Helping Hands insiders have told us the partnership with the US government will mean their Asset Protection team will get military training. “If you thought the AP SUVs in the parking lot were intimidating, wait until they come back with drone piloting experience. We’re predicting security bots hovering in the Pittsford Weggies by this time next year.”