Rochester, NY – Today is primary day in Rochester and as per Rochester tradition, citizens took to the polls to cast their ballots completely uninformed of who they were voting for.
“Other areas may elect their representatives based on facts or their positions on issues but Monroe County takes more of a spiritual approach,” says U of R political science major Martin Van Bluerger. “This is a ‘feel it out’ type of town.”
In fact, research shows that if a Rochesterian knows your name, it’s most likely a bad thing. Citizens of Monroe County only seem to be able to name their county legislators and elected judges after they have been caught committing some sort of crime. But it often takes about three to ten offenses for voters to feel motivated enough to get rid of them.
Rochester, NY – It’s with a huuuugely heavy heart that we share the news that former Rochester auto dealership owner Billy Fuccillo has died in his Florida home at 64 years old.
While funeral proceedings are currently unknown, The Innerloop Blog has been told by sources that his hearse will be a gorgeous, pre-owned 2016 Hyndau Elantra that only “had one previous owner who did not smoke.”
Experts are also predicting an huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge funeral procession filled with his past customers and employees.
Greece, NY – According to construction plans sent to The Innerloop Blog, Greece is planning on expanding West Ridge Road until it has 37 lanes total. The idea is to fix traffic issues but the experts say the move won’t even make a dent.
City Planning expert Titus Ahvinew predicts that even with the expansion that residents will still be getting cut off just as much “if not more.”
Mr. Ahvinew says “You can change the roads but you can’t change people from Greece.”
Greece, NY – Thomas Gordon was handed a mask while walking into a liquor store last March and he’s been using it daily ever since. But today he has officially retired the disposable piece of PPE that has gotten him through the pandemic.
“I just refused to believe that this thing was sticking around so I never wanted to waste my money on one of those fancy cloth masks everyone else is wearing.”
New York state has officially made it so vaccinated people do not have to wear masks anymore and Gordon is one of many Rochesterians giving up the face covering for good.
Is Gordon vaccinated? He refused to say. So it’s a safe bet that he is not.
Rochester, NY – Duran Eastman Beach is planning to re-open on Saturday June 19th but it’s already showing signs of life.
Rochesterians taking romantic strolls along the beach have reported stepping on “extra squishy” sand and researchers have found what they’re digging their toes into is actually lightly buried used diapers.
For some reason it has been a tradition for some families to leave their garbage behind after enjoying the beach. Experts say they’re either the most forgetful people in the world or “complete assholes.” Either way, much like the Canadian Geese, it appears these ‘assholes’ have returned to the waters of Lake Ontario and they’re leaving literal shit everywhere.
Rochester, NY – Local botanists are sending out a plea for people to support the plant life on Park Ave and to please make time to come downtown to “urinate or vomit into a bush.”
The plant researchers are worried that the flowers, shrubs, trees, and other greenery has gotten used to feeding off of human fluids after years of Park Ave Festival parties. Now they’re showing signs of withdrawal.
“We’ve found several plants growing in the direction of a nearby gutter like they were reaching out for some nastiness,” said Dr. Nate Grassman. “We’re petitioning the city to bus in drunken college students from East/Alexander to give them some nourishment.”
Rochester, NY – It has been nearly a week since lawmakers in New York voted to repeal Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s mandate that people must order food with alcohol purchases and local bars are still scrambling to figure out what the hell they’re going to do with all their leftover snacks.
“I bought $30K of chips to sell to these alcoholics,” said one local bar owner. “Who buys chips at a bar if they’re not forced to?”
It’s because of this frustration that local business owners like this hero are erecting a giant plastic container downtown. Every bar with be dumping their entire stock of “Cuomo Chips” or “Cuomo Snacks” into the structure to create the world’s largest snack mix.
“Every Rochester resident will be allowed to drive-by and fill up their truck with snacks,” said one bar owner that wanted to remain anonymous. “Better get it before the seagulls figure out how to open the lid.”
Rochester, NY – It was Freddy McCallahan’s fifth birthday yesterday but he ended up celebrating it with just his mother because his father Teddy was busy “prepping for the draft.”
Teddy is not an NFL scout and is in no way affiliated with the Buffalo Bills, but he dedicates hours of his life studying up on college football prospects mostly so he can dominate the comment sections of Bills Mafia Facebook Group he’s a part of.
Unfortunately for his son, his birthday this year fell on “draft eve” which is the day that Teddy gets his “war room” ready. This means prepping his basement to the optimal temperature, making sure his snacks are ready, and finding the exact spot in his couch that will perfectly swaddle his whole ass for the entirety of the draft weekend. While figuring this all out he missed his son’s entire birthday.
Rochester, NY – In honor of 4/20, local smoke shops have decided to come clean about their smoking devices. After years of telling customers that they were from tobacco use only, they’ve put out a press release admitting they were lying.
“If you used our 5-foot bongs to smoke tobacco you should seek medical attention immediately. That’s just straight-up unhealthy,” says the joint statement that was ironically written on rolling papers.
This is news to Clark Simpson from Hilton who has been obeying the signage in the display case and has only been using his device to inhale copious amounts of tobacco. “I was wondering why my friends all stopped talking to me after I passed it to them at parties.”
Orchard Park, NY – Along with the stipulation that all fans in attendance next season, the Buffalo Bills have announced a new task force that will be conducting spontaneous COVID-19 tests of all the folding tables in the tailgating section.
This is in response to a recent study that found 99% of the surfaces that Bills Mafia heaves their bodies through are actually imported from China.
“Listen, we know it’s not good to point any fingers with who started this whole thing but just out an abundance of caution, we’re going to be swabbing them for fan safety,” said an anonymous Health Official.
The Table Safety Force will be out for every home game conducting swab tests to make sure each table is completely coronavirus free before any grown man use them to break their own collarbone.