ROCHESTER, NY—A mysterious illness has swept through Western New York in a baffling turn of events, causing a staggering 99% of the workforce to call in sick on Monday. Medical experts are scratching their heads, trying to identify the source of the sudden outbreak that coincidentally aligns with the rescheduled Buffalo Bills and Pittsburgh Steelers wild-card playoff game.

Doctors are working tirelessly to understand the origins of these mysterious ailments that seem to have emerged seemingly out of thin air. “We’ve never seen anything like this before,” says Dr. Emily Whitecoat, an infectious disease specialist. “This could be worse than COVID based on all the various symptoms we’re hearing from local business owners.”

According to reports, local bosses have been told everything from fever to “combative diarrhea” as reasons their employees are calling out two days in advance.

“I woke up this morning feeling perfectly fine, but as soon as I heard about the game being rescheduled, I felt this overwhelming urge to call in sick,” admits Tom Langden, a lifelong Buffalo resident. “My body knew I needed a day to emotionally prepare for the playoffs.”

As the mysterious illness spreads, epidemiologists are working diligently to understand the strange correlation between football schedule changes and a sudden surge in absenteeism. Until then, Western New York braces for a Monday filled with empty offices and deserted streets.

Luckily downtown Rochester has been desolate for years so it should not impact the local economy too much.