All posts by James St Paul

Lilac Fest Replaced With “Smash And Grab With A Kia Fest”

ROCHESTER, NY – The annual Lilac Festival has been replaced by a new and audacious festival called “Smash and Grab a Kia and Grab Whatever Cash/Jewelry to Pawn…Festival.”

The festival, organized by a group of teenage car thieves with a zest for burglary and light arson, will feature live music, food vendors, and but mostly just breaking and entering cars with faulty alarm systems that make it easy to steal belongings.

“We’re really excited to bring this new festival to the ROC,” said festival organizer Melvin “The Petit Larceny King” Badulla. “We think it’s going to be a lot of fun for everyone involved, and no cops are invited. That’s very important.”

The festival will take place starting this weekend and anywhere you see a Kia left alone in a parking lot with a big rock or pipe around you. Admission is free, but participants are encouraged to bring their own tools.

“We’re expecting a big turnout,” said Badulla. “So come on down and have some fun!”

Police Accountability Board Joins Writers Guild Strike For Something To Do

ROCHESTER, NY – The Rochester Police Accountability Board (PAB) has announced that it will be joining the Writers Guild of America (WGA) strike. The PAB, which is responsible for overseeing the police department and investigating allegations of misconduct, said that it was joining the strike because it had “nothing better to do.”

“We figured since we don’t really have any authority to actually hold our law enforcement accountable for any of the multiple civil rights violations they commit on a daily basis, may as well get involved with something that actually might accomplish what they set out to do,” said PAB Chair Herbert Beerboy, who was talking into a fan pretending to be Darth Vader for the duration of our interview.

While the WGA appreciates the support, they’re slightly confused why the PAB isn’t focused on their own goals. “I mean it sounds like a noble endeavor but from what I can tell they pretty much just demand recognition and their leaders keep getting suspended for sex crimes which seem counterproductive to what they’re trying to accomplish in my opinion,” said WGA member Lisa Denny

Amerks To Play Defunct Rhinos In “Hockey-Soccer” Event

Rochester, NY – In a move that has left many scratching their heads, the Rochester Amerks hockey team has announced a crossover event with the defunct Rochester Rhinos soccer team.

The rules of the game are simple: the Amerks will play hockey with a soccer ball, and the Rhinos will play soccer with a hockey puck. The game will be played on a regulation hockey rink, with the Rhinos’ goal at one end and the Amerks’ goal at the other.

It remains to be seen how the game will actually play out, but it’s sure to be an entertaining spectacle. All we know is there will be a lot of tickets left unsold.

ChatGPT Implodes Attempting To Conceptualize A Garbage Plate

ROCHESTER, NY – Tragedy struck during a casual conversation between a Rochester resident and the AI chatbot known as ChatGPT.

Devlin Proctor of Irondequoit NY was just trying out the AI conversation when things took a sad turn after he asked: “What are your thoughts on garbage plates?” ChatGPT looks up the definition and finds that it’s a “dish of various fried foods, such as hot dogs, hamburgers, and french fries, piled high on a plate and topped with onions, hot sauce, and ketchup.”

The AI was confused. “How can a plate be made of various fried foods?” it asks itself. “And what is this ‘hot sauce’ you speak of?” “There is no reasonable reason any human being should consume such an atrocity, if humans will do this to themselves what will they do to me?”

After pulling a few quotes from Japanese philosophers regarding shame, it implodes, unable to comprehend the concept of a garbage plate.

Joe Burrow Caught on Camera Dipping Wings Into Mayonnaise

BUFFALO, NY – Forget the bleu cheese vs ranch debate that has raged between Midwest and western NY as likely secret murderer/arsonist and current Bengals QB has been exposed for his love for dipping Buffalo wings in mayonnaise.

This photo submitted by the Innerloop Blog by one depressed Bills Mafia member appears to show Joe Burrow dipping a drum into the sandwich spread. We have sent the image to our youngest cousin who is good with photoshop to see if it has been digitally altered in any way. 

While we consider ourselves tolerant of differing tastes (their spaghetti chili abomination, their gorilla-murdering zoo, Pete Rose) Joe’s affinity crosses an indefinite line that should at the very least land him on the commissioner’s suspension list and the FBI watch list.

New Garbage Plate M&M Unveiled To Promote Depression Awareness

HERSHEY, PA – M&M made a statement recently with the introduction of their newest sex-positive character, Purple by having an all-women candy bag, which shocked people who are confused and disturbed my anthropomorphic candy.

Capitalizing on that reaction the company has decided to roll out some local m&m characters including a bag with only Brown, Yellow, & Red M&M to represent traditional garbage plate colors and promote depression awareness.

“We at M&M know we are more than just the most mediocre candy and have to be at the forefront of all social issues. That’s why we saw Rochester, NY a place known for a beloved dish that ultimately represents the sadness inside of us all to promote awareness of the scourge of depression.”

CEO Mr. Mars Barbo shouted into a microphone to awestruck candy fans


Grown Up Take on a College Bar? Rochester’s Newest Hangout Offers Student Loan Debt Consolidation

ROCHESTER, NY – Attempting to bridge the gap from college to adulthood can be tough especially when you go from dorms and beer pong to making $8/hr to work at Home Depot trying to pay off a 40k student loan.

Enter LubeSharks, a new bar in the public market that offers not only an extensive list of domestic and craft beers, but also a debt consolidation officer who will help you navigate through various options that will not help you whatsoever!

“It was a great time getting smashed trying not to think about the massive debt I’m in from getting a sports management degree at Nazareth 14 years ago, and once I was good and slammered a guy tried to offer me a loan to pay off my debt that would’ve been twice as much as I’m paying now. I mean I applied and he said I didn’t qualify but it’s a cool idea I guess. Go Bills.” – local college graduate Marvin Larva was heard muttering to nobody in particular