HERSHEY, PA – M&M made a statement recently with the introduction of their newest sex-positive character, Purple by having an all-women candy bag, which shocked people who are confused and disturbed my anthropomorphic candy.

Capitalizing on that reaction the company has decided to roll out some local m&m characters including a bag with only Brown, Yellow, & Red M&M to represent traditional garbage plate colors and promote depression awareness.

“We at M&M know we are more than just the most mediocre candy and have to be at the forefront of all social issues. That’s why we saw Rochester, NY a place known for a beloved dish that ultimately represents the sadness inside of us all to promote awareness of the scourge of depression.”

CEO Mr. Mars Barbo shouted into a microphone to awestruck candy fans

ROCHESTER, NY – Attempting to bridge the gap from college to adulthood can be tough especially when you go from dorms and beer pong to making $8/hr to work at Home Depot trying to pay off a 40k student loan.

Enter LubeSharks, a new bar in the public market that offers not only an extensive list of domestic and craft beers, but also a debt consolidation officer who will help you navigate through various options that will not help you whatsoever!

“It was a great time getting smashed trying not to think about the massive debt I’m in from getting a sports management degree at Nazareth 14 years ago, and once I was good and slammered a guy tried to offer me a loan to pay off my debt that would’ve been twice as much as I’m paying now. I mean I applied and he said I didn’t qualify but it’s a cool idea I guess. Go Bills.” – local college graduate Marvin Larva was heard muttering to nobody in particular