BUFFALO, NY – Forget the bleu cheese vs ranch debate that has raged between Midwest and western NY as likely secret murderer/arsonist and current Bengals QB has been exposed for his love for dipping Buffalo wings in mayonnaise.
This photo submitted by the Innerloop Blog by one depressed Bills Mafia member appears to show Joe Burrow dipping a drum into the sandwich spread. We have sent the image to our youngest cousin who is good with photoshop to see if it has been digitally altered in any way.
While we consider ourselves tolerant of differing tastes (their spaghetti chili abomination, their gorilla-murdering zoo, Pete Rose) Joe’s affinity crosses an indefinite line that should at the very least land him on the commissioner’s suspension list and the FBI watch list.
Rochester, NY – The mayor’s latest effort to revitalize Rochester took place at one of the city’s hidden venues, Lux Lounge.
“We want to ensure that even the most basic dejected hipsters have an opportunity to begin a long and fulfilling career in Rochester.” The mayor told reporters.
Instead of resumes, applicants were asked to bring their art portfolios and a body map of their piercing locations.
“We expect all applicants to have their septum pierced,” one recruiter told the Blog, “but nipple piercings are in high demand as well.”
Rochester, NY – “We’ve offered gift cards before but nothing has worked like this,” said Officer Darrell Peterson.
In an effort to keep guns off the streets of Rochester the city has offered chances for people to turn in weapons, no questions asked, in exchange for money. These Gun Buyback events have been sparsely attended in the past but that all changed today after they switched from offering cash to handing out produce. More specifically one egg per gun.
“It was insane that they thought $50 was enough for me to turn in my guns,” said one anonymous man we spoke to carrying a dozen eggs outside the event. “Now that they’ve got something that’s good, I’ll be back!”
The Rochester Police Department estimates that 95% of the weapons turned in came from drug dealers who are transitioning into chicken farmers.
“We’re going from slinging rocks to selling yolks,” said one former gang member. “Drug money is good but that egg money is like generational wealth.”
HERSHEY, PA – M&M made a statement recently with the introduction of their newest sex-positive character, Purple by having an all-women candy bag, which shocked people who are confused and disturbed my anthropomorphic candy.
Capitalizing on that reaction the company has decided to roll out some local m&m characters including a bag with only Brown, Yellow, & Red M&M to represent traditional garbage plate colors and promote depression awareness.
“We at M&M know we are more than just the most mediocre candy and have to be at the forefront of all social issues. That’s why we saw Rochester, NY a place known for a beloved dish that ultimately represents the sadness inside of us all to promote awareness of the scourge of depression.”
CEO Mr. Mars Barbo shouted into a microphone to awestruck candy fans
ROCHESTER, NY – Attempting to bridge the gap from college to adulthood can be tough especially when you go from dorms and beer pong to making $8/hr to work at Home Depot trying to pay off a 40k student loan.
Enter LubeSharks, a new bar in the public market that offers not only an extensive list of domestic and craft beers, but also a debt consolidation officer who will help you navigate through various options that will not help you whatsoever!
“It was a great time getting smashed trying not to think about the massive debt I’m in from getting a sports management degree at Nazareth 14 years ago, and once I was good and slammered a guy tried to offer me a loan to pay off my debt that would’ve been twice as much as I’m paying now. I mean I applied and he said I didn’t qualify but it’s a cool idea I guess. Go Bills.” – local college graduate Marvin Larva was heard muttering to nobody in particular
Pittsford, NY – A local woman just found out she is pregnant but can already tell her fetus is hitting key milestones of a highly intelligent baby.
“This fetus has no knowledge of the outside world and was just conceived, but I just know it is more gifted than other fetuses.” The woman told a confused-looking barista at Starbucks.
“Can you believe it is already saying mama and dada?” as she pointed to her belly, “this fetus is just so smart for its age!”
The woman told a random person standing in line that the fetus is really good at problem-solving especially after she eats a massive burrito from Chipotle.
“Mam, this is a Starbucks,” the barista told her.
Orchard Park, NY – Today the Buffalo Bills and New England Patriots face off at Highmark Stadium for what is set to be an emotional matchup considering this is the first game the team has played since safety Damar Hamlin suffered from cardiac arrest.
Football fans attending the game are wondering how differently the team plays after such a traumatic event, what the stadium has in store for a tribute to Hamlin, and most importantly, will the Billdo tradition continue.
It has become commonplace to see at least one dildo thrown onto the field during a home game versus the Patriots and one fan is making sure that it continues.
“We need the Billdo more than ever,” says Dale Firven of Buffalo, NY. “Things are going to feel very heavy for good reason but between the tears, we need cheers, and that’s where this veiny bastard comes in.”
Firven said he will be making sure his timing is right but fully expects to “hit the center of the endzone” after the first Bills score.
Rochester, NY – Wegmans has introduced a new self-checkout system to make robbing you blindly as seamless as possible.
“We want to make shopping as easy as possible for our customers,” a Wegman’s representative told the Blog, “and we know waiting in line to spend your entire life savings is time-consuming.”
Wegmans shoppers were thrilled to learn they could waste all of their money at once.
“Finally, I can blow my whole paycheck on my Organic Kombucha Spirit Crystal Turmeric CBD and half a toothpick without waiting for an old lady to count her change.” One shopper told the Blog.
New York, NY – A leaked document sent to the Innerloop Blog may shed some light on what the National Football League plans to do at future Buffalo Bills games played in the snow.
During the game between Miami and Buffalo fans showered the field with snowballs. At one point the game was paused to address the situation and the threat of penalizing the home team with a 15-yard penalty was announced. The main concern was for NFL players’ safety as there were ice balls hitting the Dolphins players on the sideline and in the endzone.
After being surprised that calmly asking a giant crowd known for throwing dildos to stop did not work, the leaders of the NFL decided they needed to do something more to ensure this will not be an issue at future games.
“Let’s be honest, it’s pretty damn impressive that these fans who have been drinking all day have the accuracy to hit a player from that distance,” said one NFL executive that wanted to remain anonymous. “While we can’t encourage that type of behavior, we can’t let that kind of talent go to waste.”
It is for these reasons that the NFL is now considering a forced tryout for any Bills Mafia member who hits a player on the field with a snowball. “The Jets haven’t had anyone that could hit their wide receivers with a ball for years so they’re welcoming the chance to get someone, even if it’s a Bills fan.”
If the threat of having to move to New Jersey and support the NJ Jets is not enough, the leaked document also states the possibility of putting a dome on the new Bills stadium that the fans will be forced to pay for via an added ticket charge. “Obviously we wouldn’t make the owners pay for it. That would be absurd!”
Rochester, NY – After a series of scandals rocked Rochester’s newly established Police Accountability Board (PAB), the Mayor decided something had to be done.
“I’m here today to announce the creation of an accountability board to police Rochester’s Police Accountability Board.” The mayor said at an impromptu press conference. “Never could I have imagined that giving a group of random people, power to act independently, without proper oversight, would lead to such corruption and scandal.”
The actions come after an investigation into the PAB found that tax payer money was being spent on lavish Zoom meetings and GrubHug deliveries.
“This is only the beginning of a broader initiative to create accountability boards for every facet of our inefficient and corrupt government structure.” The mayor said, “Soon, accountability boards for accountability boards will be established to hold accountability boards accountable for their inability to hold anyone accountable…” the Mayor rambled on repeating “accountability” over and over again until he was eventually dragged off stage.