Rochester, NY – After a string of recent drug-related hospitalizations, Rochester Police have released a statement addressing the public’s concerns.

“After testing numerous collected samples, we feel we can decisively say that there are currently drugs tainted with Panera’s new Charged Lemonade caffeinated beverages on the streets of Rochester,” says police spokeswoman Brenda Haus.

“I didn’t think it was such a big deal,” says James Brewer, a victim of tainted cocaine. “I was just a normal guy enjoying my weekly bump. But as soon as I took it, I knew something was wrong.”

Reports claim Brewer suspected something was amiss when instead of snorting his cocaine off his house key like usual, he found himself slurping it out of a 30oz Panera Charged Lemonade Cup. “It could happen to anyone. Especially if they’re a part of Panera’s Unlimited Sip Club, available in-store or through the mobile app for only $11.99 a month or $119.99 annually.”

The Innerloop Blog would like to clarify that Brewer may have been paid to make this statement.

“Stay safe out there,” says Haus. “Stick to safer substances such as marijuana and cold brew or sugar-free Red Bull and Adderall.” When asked about the safety of Monster Energy Drinks, she clarified “The original recipe should be fine. Personally, I wouldn’t trust the Java Monster. Not because it’s likely to be tainted, but because who wants to drink coffee-flavored Monster? Just get a coffee.”