ROCHESTER, NY – A new study released today has found the Rochester is the best city in the world to get high for free. All you need to do is simply get behind the wheel of a car and drive to the nearest stop light.

Scientists have found the combination of terrible drivers that cause longer delays at stoplights and the sheer amount of people smoking marijuana while driving to be well above the national average in our city.

“All it takes is an extra ten seconds at a red light for the interior of your vehicle to be filled with Rastafarian amounts of smoke in this city,” said one researcher.

Rochester also experiences the most amount of false alarm 911 calls due to secondhand marijuana smoke.

“We get calls all the time from people claiming they’ve been stuck at a light on Monroe Ave and feel like they’ve been transported into another dimension,” says emergency dispatcher Ellen Cleghorn. “The protocol is just to put them on hold with some Pink Floyd music and let them ride it out.”

Rochester, NY – In a shocking revelation, local meteorologists have found the cause of the recent dip in temperatures:  Rochesterians putting away their winter clothing too early.

“We’ve seen this happen time and time again,” said meteorologist Chuck Peterson. “People start getting excited about the warmer weather, and they rush to put away their winter coats, hats, and gloves. But Mother Nature has a way of reminding us that winter isn’t over yet.”

Snow went on to explain that by packing away their winter clothing too soon, the residents of Rochester gave the weather gods permission to unleash their fury on the city.

“There were certain rituals that the early settlers of Rochester stuck to in order to ensure a great harvest,” says Peterson. “Among them was making sure to never put their warmer clothes away until at least July.”

Rochester, NY – The Rochester area’s first Whole Foods Market has opened and local shoppers are pumped to have a new overpriced grocery store to blow a sizeable chunk of their paycheck.

Among the most excited is your worst coworker. Even though they once told you they could never move out of state due because they “needed to be near a Wegmans” they were also one of the first in line to check out the new Amazon-owned chain.

While you’re trying to hurry the small talk along they keep on remembering crazy things about the grocery store that they need to tell you about like how they don’t have any processed food off its shelves.

Just when you think you can get away by dropping your go-to “I have diarrhea” line, they stop you and let you know how complicated it is to checkout as a Prime member using an app.

You now actually have diarrhea.

Your best option is to crap down your leg because your coworker is launching into a story about the traffic on Monroe Ave because of Whole Foods.

Rochester, NY – Monroe County has been hit hard by the viral TikTok challenge that teaches people how to steal Hyundai and Kia vehicles.  Local business owners live in terror waiting for a call that some teenagers drove a car through the front of their storefront and looted their merchandise.

A new law is hoping to get to the heart of the issue. “These kids can’t drive a manual,” said lawmaker Tyisha Landermin. “Somehow it’s easier to make these cars more difficult to dive than to make them more secure.”

The proposed law will make New York State foot the bill for all vulnerable Hyundai and Kia cars conversion from automatic to manual.

“Not only will this create more jobs in our suffering automotive industry this may also save lives,” says Landermin. While she anticipates an initial surge of accidents based on Rochesterians learning how to drive with a stick shift, she also believes this will cut local texting and driving accidents by half.

Update: There is now a viral TikTok tutorial on how to drive a manual car.

Rochester, NY – Many live music fans in Rochester were saddened to hear The Main Street Armory had been sold last month for $550,000 to a mysterious buyer as it could mean concerts in that venue could be done forever.

The city of Rochester refused to renew the Armory’s entertainment license in the days following the deadly crowd surge at their last concert and it appears with the quick sale that the former owners didn’t believe they could win the fight to get it back.

But this turns out to be nothing but baseless speculation because The Innerloop Blog has tracked down the new owner and knows exactly what their intentions are with the infamous building.

“I plan to bang every ghost inside it.”

That is what Raymond Cahill, the new owner of The Armory, said to us before we could even ask him why he bought the property.

“I know people listened to their favorite artists in here but I am mostly into the whole ghost part of this place,” explained Cahill. “I saw one episode of Ghost Hunters with the building and I am pretty sure there’s a bunch of ghouls in here from back when they trained soldiers. Daddy like!”

Raymond did tell us that he plans to keep the live music going as soon as he can get the entertainment license back.

“My theory is all the music stopped the ghosts from wanting to leave the venue. Why haunt somewhere else when you can get a free show every once in a while, you know? I am going to get the musicians back in this place so those cute ghost soldiers don’t go running off and break my heart!”