ROCHESTER, NY – While many Rochesterians are elated to see a new brew released by everyone’s favorite local piss river-based brewery, some old school Genesee drinkers are frustrated by the uniquely pleasant flavor of the new dry-hopped version of the classic Cream Ale.
“I don’t know why they would ever tinker with the perfectly good chilled bath water mixed with battery acid flavor of the original. Much like living in Rochester, it’s not meant to be enjoyed.” Said construction worker and crane enthusiast Samly Cuomo Rivers of Hilton
“Don’t get me wrong this beer tastes good, it goes down easy, and probably won’t give me gas that smells like a pile of burning diapers. But it will never measure up to the original because it will cost twice as much and I’m trying to get loaded and fall asleep in a lilac bush.”
Rochester, NY – Word has come down that Kodak’s $765 million government loan to produce key pharmaceutical supplies has been put on hold. After days of confusing reports on allegations of impropriety by company officials and stocks going up and down, the company has come forward to make one thing clear. “Your Dad is not getting his job back.”
The company reports they’ve received an influx of middle-aged to elderly adult Rochester men calling in saying “you told me that if something opened up, you’d give me a call” but according to a new press release they want to make it known that “all local Dad’s will not get hired.”
According to insider sources, The InnerLoop Blog can report that any new jobs that will come from the grant will be given to local mom’s in an effort to make sure Kodak can give equal opportunity to all genders when they eventually lay off this new round of staff in one to two years tops.
Webster, NY – Toby Lockhart is a 2020 graduate of St. John Fisher College, where he majored in Media Management. He would like to wait until the pandemic is a bit more under control before he begins applying for jobs in his field. His father Dave, however, has different plans.
“Paychex is hiring. I’ve been telling Toby to fill out an application since June, but he still hasn’t,” Dave told an Inner Loop reporter. “I keep telling him that employers don’t like to see gaps in your employment history, but he doesn’t seem to care. He just keeps playing Sonic or whatever on PlayStation.”
“Why would I work at Paychex?” Toby asked an Inner Loop reporter, rhetorically. “I didn’t even study that stuff. Why even go to college if you’re just going to do something that has nothing to do with your major?”
“He needs to get out there, show up at the office, and tell the manager he would love to work at Paychex,” said Dave. “That’s how you land a job. Even if it’s just an entry-level position that pays minimum wage, he can always work his way up the ladder.”
Rochester, NY – Late last week, Rochester City Council passed legislation that will turn a part of Monroe Avenue into one giant crosswalk.
“We decided that it is time this city fully embraces human beings walking directly into oncoming traffic without a second thought.” One council member told the Blog.
The portion of Monroe Ave between 490 and Howell Street will now be designated as one giant crosswalk
Advocates of the bill celebrated its passing by covering their eyes and running back and forth across the street in front of City Hall.
“This is a huge victory for jaywalkers everywhere,” an activist told the Blog. “It is our right as American citizens to drunkenly stumble across Monroe Ave without looking both ways.”
Rochester,NY- Cuomo has officially declared that schools can re-open this coming fall. That being said, daddy Cuomo always has some trick up his sleeve. He just announced that if schools are to re-open, they need to be serving alcohol with their school lunches are they need to remain closed. These are his official words on this statement.
” Here in New York we are remaining vigilant with the threat of Covid-19. That’s why I believe the safety of our children comes first and foremost. That’s why each child should have a nice cold IPA with every school lunch. This will keep their belly’s full and their bodies nice and buzzed so they dont have to think about the horrific danger they might be putting people in by contracting Covid in those tight and narrow hallways. God bless NY and chicken wings are not real food.”
Irondequoit, NY – Every summer, Irondequoit Bay is packed with intoxicated boaters. For most, it’s understood that if you go boating on the bay, you do it drunk. That wasn’t the case for Sam Finch this past Saturday, however.
“I saw this boat pass us, obeying all the boating regulations. It looked suspicious, so we pulled up next to it,” said Monroe County Deputy, Tim Haskins. “I looked into the driver’s eyes, and they were clear – not glassy at all. I asked, “Have you had anything to drink?” To which the driver replied, “I’ve had like three or four beers.” I didn’t believe him, though, so I gave him a breathalyzer, and as I suspected, it turned out he had not had anything to drink.”
“I don’t know what got into me,” Finch told an Inner Loop reporter. “I should have chugged some of that Tequila my friend offered.”
“I was going to arrest him, but then he shotgunned a Genny right in front of me, so I let him off with a ticket,” said Haskins. “But next time I’m taking him downtown.”
Rochester, NY – A new study from RIT has confirmed that 100% of Rochesterians couldn’t find a single “F” to give that a 2020 grad lives in their neighborhood.
“Oh cool… Some dude named Chad couldn’t play his last year of lacrosse with ‘the boys?’ Who cares! I can’t feed my kids Chad. You don’t see me putting up a yard sign for that.”
We have reached out to Chad for a response but he is dodging us since he’s busy not wearing a mask and hanging out with his friends in Wegman’s parking lots.
Rochester, NY – There has been a great deal of news coverage lately devoted to police in unmarked vehicles arresting peaceful protesters in Portland, Oregon. Now, it appears this phenomenon has made its way to Portland Avenue. Except it is not protesters who are being detained: it’s pastries.
According to several witnesses, on Wednesday, July 22nd, two unmarked vans pulled up to Ridge Donut Cafe. Eight men exited the vans in full riot gear, entered the restaurant, and put what according to the owner was a thousand dollars worth of donuts, cookies, and brownies into pillow cases, then sped off without saying a word.
“It’s not fair, man. These donuts have rights,” witness Chris Richardson told an Inner Loop reporter. “America is descending into Fascism right before our eyes. Free the donuts!”
Another witness, Ben Phillips, feels quite differently. “These pastries are no good. I mean, they’re delicious, but they give people this sugar rush that makes them go crazy. I say arrest them all. Trump 2020!”
The Inner Loop tried to interview an FBI agent outside of their Rochester office, but he refused to comment. We did ask him about the white powder below his nose, to which he claimed, “That’s not sugar, don’t be ridiculous. That’s just cocaine, you silly goose.”
Hilton, NY – Residents of Hilton are up in (track mark covered) arms today as Governor Cuomo has announced that there will be a new law that forces residents to purchase food along with their black tar heroin.
The move comes in an attempt to limit unnecessary gatherings during the pandemic as studies show the number 2 most enjoyed activity in Hilton was “buying heroin” right behind bowling at Pleasure Lanes while high on meth.
Many have complained that this new law infringes on their god-given rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of narcotics.
Rochester, NY – It was announced recently that Kodak would be receiving a $765 million government loan to help produce generic drugs. Some experts estimated that this would help create over 300 jobs in the Rochester area.
Things took a bleak turn today, however, when Pfizer declared that it had invented digital drugs. Kodak’s stock plummeted as the announcement was made. The news hit Wayne County resident Travis Walters particularly hard.
“It sucks, man. I thought this could be my big break, but now it seems to be dead on arrival,” Walters told an Inner Loop reporter. “Looks like I’ll just have to keep cooking meth, and make the move to digital soon.”