Local Man Excited to Completely Ruin His Life at ROC City Skatepark

Rochester, NY – Arnaldo Kutch hasn’t skateboarded since his high school days in the ’90s, but upon seeing that the ROC City Skatepark has finally been completed, he got a wave of nostalgia and confidence, and plans to hit ramps this weekend.

We have reached out to Kutch’s doctor Art Ernser who let us know he predicts the Gates man won’t even complete a single ollie before shattering at least five to seven bones in his body.

Dr. Ernser has warned his patient that taking this kind of risk with his body is not something he can afford as a working adult but has already drafted a letter for excused absences from his job because, and these are Dr. Erner’s words, “Arnaldo is a complete dumbass.”

Susan B Anthony’s Gravesite on Election Day Named “Worst Place to Pick up Chicks”

Rochester, NY – Every election year Rochesterians flock to the grave of Susan B Anthony to place their “I Voted” sticker on her headstone as a tribute to all her work fighting for women’s right to vote. It’s a beautiful scene but more importantly, it’s a terrible spot to try to get laid.

According to men’s magazine Guns, Beer, And Boobs Quarterly, Anthony’s gravesite on the day of an election is by far the worst place on the planet to hit on women. Their research shows that you would have better chances of getting someone’s phone number if you approached them at their father’s wake.

The magazine did however clarify that Mount Hope Cemetery where Anthony is laid to rest is a great spot to pick up “spooky gothic chicks” on almost any other day of the year.

Chili Resident Can’t Wait to Tell You How Long They Waited in Line to Vote

Chili, NY – Monroe county has seen early voters out in droves, some encountering long lines and waits. The Inner Loop Blog was on the scene at the Chili Senior Center this past weekend where many were casting their early votes.

Inner Loop Blog: So how…

Early Voter: 2 and half hours.. in the rain, no less! I was here right when they opened and the line wrapped around the building. I didn’t have no umbrella neither! I just stood here in the rain, wet, soaked through my clothes. I’m half way to hypothermia and I can’t stop shaking. And my knee hurts. I think I might die!

Inner Loop Blog: …are you?

Ghost of Susan B. Anthony Arrested for Not Floating Six Feet Away in Voting Line

Rochester, NY – Chaos erupted outside of an early voting site yesterday morning, after the ghost of Susan B. Anthony showed up to cast her ballot. 

Witnesses say that the 114 year old apparition just appeared out of thin air and began loudly declaring her right to vote. Many bystanders were startled and some were a little upset.

“She just floated right through me while I was standing in line and she wasn’t even wearing a mask!” one disgusted voter said.

Efforts to encourage the ghost of Anthony to abide by social distancing guidelines failed and soon after the police were called.

“This is a clear case of voter intimidation,” an official from the Board of Elections told the Blog, “a polling site is no place for an unwelcomed haunting.”

Thousands Gather to See Water Stain Shaped Like Billy Fuccillo

A local Rochester resident is claiming that they have witnessed a miracle as a water stain has appeared on his home that he says resembles the image of Billy Fuccillo.

“It is truly a blessing. It is a huge, huuuugggee blessing” said the man.

Thousands have traveled to see the image for themselves and some even claimed that they could also see a smaller stain that resembled Caroline.

One man even said that the stain tried to lock him in for a 30 thousand dollar loan for a Hyundai Sonata at 16% interest .

Genesee Brew House Unveils New Taste and Smell Free COVID Ale

Rochester, NY- Everyone is trying to capitalize on the Coronavirus outbreak now. Between ZOOM meetings, pandemic based ads, businesses left and right are trying to make the best of a dark situation. The news of a Covid outbreak at the Genesse brewhouse has had many folks concerned, but the brewhouse has come up with a rather creative solution. They have just announced a brand new “Covid Ale”, they promise the ale offers no real taste and no smell, creating a real authentic Covid experience. We spoke with the owner of the brewhouse to get his opinion on this matter.

” We are doing the very best to make light of a bad situation, that’s why we have decided to create a brand new ale with a healthy amount of actual coronavirus in it. We figured we’re going to lean into the herd immunity thinking and what a better way to spread it than to feed peoples growing alcoholism!”

Fortune Teller at Spirit Room Somehow Didn’t See This Coming

“”Boy I really dropped the ball, huh” said Krystal Night the third generation warlock who served as Spirit Rooms official fortune teller.

Last week social media was a buzz with calls to cancel the quirky bar due to its mistreatment of employees, which seemed in stark contrast from the “nothing bad will happen in October” Tarot Card that the fortune teller had pulled while giving the owners a reading.

We were told that as retribution for the incorrect reading, the Tarot reader was body checked into the walk in freezer before being hexed with an unpaid suspension spell.

Gates Bus Driver Accused of Driving Sober

Gates, NY – The Gates-Chili school district announced Monday that they were investigating reports of a bus driver driving completely sober.

“It is truly shocking that someone would dare  get behind the wheel of a school bus without a drop of alcohol in their system.” One school official said.

Witnesses say that the bus driver was seen obeying all traffic laws and driving exactly the speed limit while children were on board.

“What kind of sick person would use their turn signal in this day and age?” A parent told the Blog, “I don’t pay high taxes so my children can get to school safely!”

Fortunately, no students were injured and many were too high to remember their harrowing experience on the bus.

Mathematicians Retire the Number ‘8’ in Honor of Steve Barnes

Rochester, NY – Mathematicians from the University of Rochester have started a movement to officially retire the number eight as a way to honor local hero Steve Barnes.

“We were absolutely devastated by the news of his passing,” said Professor Roofus McNorman. “It just didn’t feel right typing in number 8 on a calculator, let only a phone. Sometimes I just found myself calling 8 just to feel something again.”

The plan is to simply skip over the number and go straight to nine until Trent Reznor dies tragically.

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