Local Wives Refuse to Resume Sex Until Phase 4 of Reopening

Rochester, NY – As the region begins its re-opening, an emergency meeting of the Rochester Women’s Coalition convened to discuss whether or not to extend their ‘Pause Vagina’ plan.

‘I think we should just stay closed forever’ Tammy Markels of Victor told The Inner Loop blog as she left the meeting. ‘My husband has been doing fine without it, taking up hobbies, working in the yard…I did wake up to the bed shaking violently the other night but it stopped after a minute or two and I think he was just having a nightmare.

‘We’ve come to an agreement and have decided that phase 4 is most appropriate to re-introduce sex, coalition president Tracey Wilhams told The Inner Loop. This is the phase that includes arts, entertainment, recreation, and education and I think we can all agree that the vagina offers all of those things.’

‘We are willing to pull back our offer if the correct measures are not met, trust me we do not need your gross post quarantine bodies on top of us. If I’m being truly honest what we need is a vaccine for men. Me and my rabbit are doing just fine without Steve over there.

RCSD Teachers Still Considered Unessential

Rochester, NY – As Rochester prepares to enter phase one of New York State’s coronavirus recovery plan, many have raised questions about what businesses and workers should be considered essential. 

The Rochester City School District wasted no time letting the public know their answer.

“We would like to reiterate that all teachers should be considered unessential.” An official for the district said during an impromptu press conference on Zoom.

“We believe that the only way to balance the budget and keep your children safe, is to make sure no teachers step foot into our schools for the foreseeable future.”

The district was already facing a massive budget deficit prior to the start of the coronavirus pandemic.

 

ELAB Employee Who Sold You $250 Bong Deemed Essential

ROCHESTER, NY – In a not widely publicized move, smoke shops have been deemed essential businesses by the state of New York. That means the 3 foot masterpiece of glasswork you purchased with your stimulus check is actually essential to living through these uncertain times.

“Listen if we don’t let people get their vape juice, their grape swisher sweets, and their grinders during these very uncertain and unstable times, how can we expect them to stay sane and not just start purging? It’s a safety measure meant to prevent anarchy, and to promote calm during these UNCERTAIN TIMES!” Shouted Governor Andrew Cuomo, fresh off a mega hit of that loud he got from his cousin Rivers

During these um, uncertain times, us writers really rely on the use of uncertain substances to maintain our uncertain sanity. The times, they’re just so uncertain that finishing this paragraph? Well that’s going to take an essential trip to the smoke shop to find a nice piece that doesn’t burn the beasters I just got so fast.

“Stay safe and smoke loud” Snoop ‘Uncertain Times’ Dogg”

City Honors Bravery of Essential Workers by Flying Seagulls Over Monroe Ave

Rochester NY – Inspired by the Blue Angels flight across America, the city decided Wednesday that they too would honor the bravery of the region’s essential workers with a flight of their own.

‘Truly breathtaking’ one local called the seagulls’ flight from the McDonald’s to the 7-11 and back to the McDonald’s because someone had dropped their fries in the parking lot.

‘It’s just not something you see every day’ another city resident standing outside the laundromat told the Inner Loop Blog.

‘Yes it is stupid’ another resident yelled. We asked if they might expand on that. ‘like I said, we see that dumb shit every day. Damn seagulls, where the sea? huh? These seagulls just eat Cheetos and drink Mountain Dew Code Red, they crazy.

‘Not at all’ was the response we received when we asked an essential worker if they were inspired by the city’s efforts. ‘Halfway through the flight one of the birds shit on the guy driving a convertible. Now that was funny, inspiring no, hilarious yes.

Large Crate of Nacho Cheese Doritos Delivered to City Hall After THC Testing for City Employees Canceled

Rochester, NY – This week the city approved legislation removing THC as a chemical tested for pre-employment screenings. Not an hour after the approval, a large crate with the Doritos logo was delivered to City Hall. The Inner Loop blog was on the scene to investigate.

‘Uh uh we gotta get that shit inside. Momma knows she got the munchies’ one city employee who preferred to remain unnamed near the scene declared as we approached.

The Inner Loop was able to catch up with a perspective employee who was there that day for an interview. ‘What job am I here for today? Hmm. What job am I here…what job… ya know what is a job even man? It’s just a word, three letters… Umm. Mayor, I think.

The city will continue to test potential employees for other drugs such as heroin, cocaine, and methamphetamines. ‘Shiiiit, crack too? Well good thing I already work for the city” another person who requested to be anonymous told the Inner Loop. ‘Now. You got any napkins for my orange fingers?’ 

 

 

Kettle Corn Booth Unaware of Cancellation Sets up in Open Field

Rochester NY – What was supposed to be the opening weekend of the Lilac Festival come and gone, not everyone was alerted of this year’s cancellation. Charlie Hansen, 56 of Albion who runs a kettle corn stand traveling all over New York state set up in the park despite no one else being there. The Inner Loop Blog caught up with Charlie.

Yeah, I know it’s canceled. But let me tell you this: about a week ago, as I’m getting into bed, next to my lovely wife Sharon Hansen of 26 years, I hear this voice whisper ‘If you pop it, they will come.’ I shot up in bed and was like what the hey, you hear that Sharon and she was like hear what? I told you you should go see that doctor. Anyways, I heard it a few more times and here I am.

During the interview a crowd of people emerged from out of no where and approached the booth, lining up. ‘Hey I gotta get to poppin’!’ Charlie quickly ended the interview and started stirring around the kernels with that big oar, the smell was infectious and I got into line myself.

Local Birthday Parade Turns Out To Be The Puerto Rican Festival In Disguise

Rochester, NY – With stay at home orders still in effect, Rochester festivals are having to get creative if they want to continue in 2020.

If you look carefully at the next Happy Birthday parade beeping down your street you might notice something extra special about it. It could just be the Puerto Rican Festival in hidden in plain sight.

If you see any tiny little Puerto Rican flags, hear Daddy Yankee music, or smell Mofongo, you’re probably looking at the 2020 version of one of Rochester’s biggest cultural celebrations.

Organizers say moving the festival around like this may actually be an improvement.  According to one of the festival’s leaders,”it helps to keep it from getting broken up by the police and also the Puerto Rican festival was never in just one spot ever. It was in all of our hearts.”

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