Study: Daylight Savings and Parade Day to Blame for Six Hours Rochesterians “Do Not Remember”

Rochester, NY – This past weekend marked the return of the St Patrick’s Day parade downtown and also marked the time of the year we “spring forward” our clocks. Local sleep experts call this the “perfect storm” of throwing off our equilibrium.

“People we’re getting black out drunk and passing out for hours on parade day,” said Dr. Thornsborg of the Rochester Sleep Center. “Then their friends were carrying them to bed where they lost an hour of sleep to daylight savings.”

This phenomena is known as “alcoholic time traveling” and it is said to result in a 85% drop in work attendance the week that these two events combine.

Local Man Excited to See What New Litter the Wind Storm Will Bring to His Yard

Rochester, NY – It was only yesterday that local man Stew Longman just got done cleaning his yard of littered face masks and reusable Wegmans bags. Today he’s been waiting to see what new treasures the wind in Rochester will bring him.

“I am really hoping my neighbor recycle bin blows over here because I could use another one,” Stew told the blog. “Also, I would love some condom wrappers to make their way into the yard so that people in this neighborhood think ‘I still got it’ you know.”

For the record, when Stew said “I still got it” he did make pelvic thrusts at our writer. It was clear that he indeed did not still have it.

Merriam-Webster Announces Name Change in an Effort to Distance Themselves From Webster NY

Springfield, MA – After nearly 200 years in the dictionary industry, Merriam-Webster has decided to change the name of their world-famous reference books.

In a statement released today, the company announced that they will now be known only as “Merriam’s Wordy McWord Book” following an online contest to choose a new name. They say that it’s a result of decades of complaints from people thinking they are named after the town of Webster.

“People who spend any amount of time in that town immediately write us saying they’ll never buy another one of our books and we can’t handle that loss of revenue anymore. Our headquarters are in Massachusetts but no matter how many times we tell people that, they do not listen, and instead complain about how bleakly caucasian this Western NY town is.”

The book was named after one of its founders Noah Webster but even the Webster estate is fine with the name change. “We changed our last name to Brighton years ago to avoid the same issues.”

“Beyond Dellarious: Immersive Experience” Art Exhibit Closes After Multiple Copyright Infringement Lawsuits

Rochester, NY – The “Beyond Van Gogh” exhibit is so popular in Rochester that other venues and artists are trying their hands at creating an immersive. But so far things aren’t looking good for one of the city’s most recognizable artists.

You may not know who Dellarious is but you’ve most definitely seen his art which is all over the city. His work featuring cultural icons and positive messages can be seen on walls and electric boxes in Rochester and you can buy his prints at places like the public market or even Wegmans.

Up until this point, there were no issues with his use of photographs like the multi-colored Rochester Police Department arrest photo of David Bowie. But that all changed when the “Beyond Dellarious: Immersive Experience” opened up.

After only being open for one hour, the venue was slapped with a multi-million dollar lawsuit for copyright infringement by the photographers who originally took the photos that Dellarious edits for his work.

A lawyer representing the photographers sent a statement to the Innerloop Blog claiming their clients were “fine when their work was being used to sell smaller prints but seeing their work blown up to the size of an entire room really pissed them off.”

One of the photographers commented on the Dellarious exhibit on Twitter saying “I took a picture of Taye Diggs and made $50 from it. This guy slaps four different filters on it, projects it into a living room, and is rolling in dough. Now I know how all these NFT idiots feel!”

Monroe County Suggests Laying Foundation of Home Fries in Basement to Soak up Imminent Flooding

ROCHESTER, NY – As Rochesterians prepare for the warm weather of spring to melt away the piles of snow littering the city Monroe County officials are suggesting that citizens take precautionary measures to combat the flooding that will ensue by suggesting that all residents lay a thick layer of potato home fries along the base of their basements to help soak up the excess water that might build up.

“As most Rochester residents know, nothing soaks up unwanted liquid like a heaping serving of home fries.”

Officials have warned against some residents who are insistent on filling their basements with half home fries and half-baked beans.

“Beans? That’s just ludicrous. I mean a nice serving of mac salad? Sure. A drizzling of ketchup and chopped onions for good measure? Of course, it can’t hurt, but we draw the line at beans and we will not be taking any more questions on the matter.”

said Mayor Evans, who we are told is looking into whether or not he can use the powers of his office to institute a state of emergency against baked bean supporters to make it legal for RPD to imprison them on sight.

Local Man Opens Windows To Let Fresh Air In And Four Months Of Accumulated Winter Farts Out

Rochester, NY – Like many Rochesterians, Albert Manigen wanted to take advantage of the warmer weather and get some fresh air into his home. Mr. Manigen opened up his doors and windows but couldn’t help but notice his next-door neighbors screaming “oh my god, what the hell is that!”
As we get closer to Spring, this is a phenomenon that our area will be experiencing more and more. Homes that have been closed up tight to keep their warm air in over the winter have also been accumulating an even more potent type of hot air. That which comes from an anus.
Scientists call it the “Western NY Cropdusting” effect and while farts are indeed hilarious, this is no laughing matter. This release of built-up farts into the atmosphere is said to do as much harm to the ozone layer as the methane emissions from almost all of the cattle farms on earth.
“Everyone wants to blame cow farts from global warming but the real ‘inconvenient truth’ is it’s actually the humans eating garbage plates and drinking Genny Cream Ale that is tooting away the ozone layer,” says climate scientist Glen Greeneth.

Bob Lonsberry Planning New Show “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell HR!”

Local conservative talk radio host Bob Lonsberry is currently preparing to host a new panel-format comedy radio show called “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell HR!”, sources inside WHAM confirmed this week.

While Lonsberry’s show will draw its basic quiz format from its sister show, “Wait Wait… Don’t Tell Me!” on WBEZ, leaked internal documents reveal that WWDTHR will feature its own unique segments, such as “Gaslight the Listener” and “Lightning Fill-in-the-Divorce-Paperwork”.

Panelists will reportedly be eliminated from each game by being officially terminated by WHAM for the extensive use of sexist, racist, and/or homophobic sentiments necessary to answer the show’s questions correctly. In an effort to preserve the show’s cast, WHAM has confirmed that all terminated WWDTHR panelists will be re-hired prior to each week’s episode, conditional on the completion of mandatory weekly sensitivity training, or at least a solid attempt at its completion, like opening the webpage at some point.

At press time, sources inside WHAM also confirmed that Bob Lonsberry would be the first to be eliminated from the show’s debut episode for making an untoward pun using special guest Paula Poundstone’s last name.

Skycoasters Threaten To Remove Music From Spotify, Say They Don’t Know How Their Nephew Got It On There

Rochester, NY – The Skycoasters may be joining the music industry’s push against Spotify and it has nothing to do with Joe Rogan.

A spokesperson for the Rochester-based band has told The Innerloop Blog that they’ve been on the phone with Spotify’s customer service trying to get their music off the platform for some time because they never consented to have it on there in the first place.

“One of the band member’s nephews put some MP3s on their thinking he could make a bunch of money for his crypto portfolio.”

According to fans, they’ve never searched Skycoasters on Spotify anyways so seeing them leave the platform won’t be much of a loss. “Us Coastheads say there’s only one way to listen to their music… Three Blue Lights deep at some summer festival while the sun is still out and your kids are passed out due to a kettle corn overload.”

Evidence Suggests Milk and Bread Makers Control Lake Effect Snow

Rochester, NY – A shocking new leak claims the same people that put bread on our table, and milk in our cereal, are the ones behind the biggest winter storms in Western NY history.

A whistleblower sent The Innerloop Blog hidden camera footage of the leaders of the Lactose and Gluten industries appearing to perform a ritual of some sort. While the location was not disclosed to us, the footage appears to be near the shore of Lake Ontario.

According to our on-staff ritual expert, the blizzard conjuring involves a satanic-like summoning circle and the sacrificing of a snowman.

“From the chanting, it seems like the bread and milk executives are praying to the Penobscot tribal god Pamola,” explained our expert. “How they discovered such a powerful chant, we might never know, but shortly after covering the snowman in cow blood and dipping a loaf of bread into the remains, the entire screen goes white.”

The time stamp on the film lines up with the last blizzard we had in the Rochester area and also with the last time that Wegmans sold out of milk and bread.

Following Bills Loss, the City of Buffalo Moves to Ban All Coins

Buffalo, NY – “We lost because of a damn coin flip.”

Does this phrase sound familiar? That’s probably because it is what Buffalo Bills fans have been wrestling with ever since the overtime playoff loss to the Kansas City Cheifs.

This is also the first line for the new “NFL Is Rigged Amendment Of 2022” that is currently being pushed through the local government in Buffalo, NY.

“Our hope is to prevent any future coin flip-related losses by outright banning all coinage city-wide,” said lawmaker Rob Johnson who also would like us to note that he’s not THAT Rob Johnson. “The ban will mean only paper currency can be used by residents and this also means NFL referees will not be able to use them to decide the future of a franchise.”

The bill will allow Buffalo citizens to turn in their coins at a centralized location where they will receive their value in cash. “All coins will be melted down and crafted into a statue of Josh Allen which will be displayed outside the stadium.”

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