Rochester, NY – Tyler Ferguson and his bride-to-be Susan Masters have moved their wedding date three times since COVID hit and now with venues allowed to have half capacity again, things are looking up for their ceremony scheduled this Fall. And Tyler is not happy about it.
Ferguson is one of many local fiancés that were silently hoping that their wedding date would be pushed off long enough their partner would cave and just elope for a fraction of the cost of a big wedding.
“We’ve petitioned Cuomo to ask him to tighten things up again,” says Ferguson. “My old lady doesn’t even know yet but I spent all of our honeymoon money getting five extra streaming services during the lockdown.”
Rochester, NY – With his favorite team the Buffalo Bills knocked out of the playoffs, Alex Manson from Gates has announced to his family, friends, coworkers, and any stranger he runs into that he’s just “really hoping for a good game tonight.”
When we pressed him further on what he considers a “good game” Manson stated that he’s looking for a lot of offense, several cutaway shots of Tom Brady’s wife, and for at least one “Janet Jackson style boob slip.”
Rochester, NY – It was announced Wednesday that the Rochester Knighthawks’ season has been canceled. This was a huge disappointment for local alcoholics who attend the games, but actually a welcomed surprise for the players.
“What a relief. I was worried RG&E was going to shut off my electric again, but now it looks like I’ll be able to make some real money,” Knighthawks captain Spencer Carmichael told an Inner Loop reporter. “I mean, the K-Hawks salary pays for gas to and from Blue Cross Arena, but I heard as an Uber driver you can make 200, even 250 dollars a week.”
Rochester, NY – With nearly 10 inches of snow on the ground and near white out conditions, Rochester man, John Doe, decided to go for an early morning run.
“What a beautiful morning. “local exercise fanatic, John Doe, said as he squeezed into his pitch black spandex leggings at 5am.
Countless car accidents and widespread power outages were reported across the area but that didn’t deter John.
“I’m not going to let a little snow get in the way of my cardio,” he thought to himself as a passing car lost traction and careened off the road beside him.
“Running on a road built for fast moving vehicles is way better than the sidewalk built for pedestrians!”
Rochester, NY – During a Monday morning press conference, Rochester’s Police Chief announced that all patrol vehicles will be outfitted with toddler car seats.
“These car seats are state of the art child detainment devices,” the police chief told reporters. “They will ensure our brave officers are safe from a small child throwing a tantrum.”
The military grade seats are equipped with steel restraints, light up handcuffs and a cute anti-bite muzzle. They are the first step in implementing the RPD’s new “Stop and Spank” policy.
“Our community has been under assault by crying toddlers for far too long,” the Chief said, “in order to make our city safe, we need to work together to ensure that excessive force is used to discipline all children.”
Rochester, NY – A local man saw all the news about the GameStop stock surge and wanted to capitalize on it. But because he is not a financial wizard, or “good at reading,” he accidentally put all of his money into local used game store Game Craze.
Ashton Moore reportedly called into the Rochester-based store and asked to buy “$10,000 of publicly traded stocks.” Unfortunately, what the 16-year-old part-time employee heard on the other end of the phone was “$10,000 of PC trade-in Stonx.”
“I thought it was a little crazy that some dude would want so many copies of the game ‘Stonx’ since it was just a really crappy computer game made in the ’80s but he was pretty adamant,” says Johnny Frederickson who was working the phones today. Johnny agreed to the purchase and filled Moore’s order.
Ashton says he plans to try and make some of his money back by starting a Twitch stream as the “only Stonx player in the world.”
Rochester,NY- The Buffalo Bills came so far to only be stopped short of their glory. With all of WNY in mourning at the moment, we have just learned that the city of Rochester has called for volunteer cleaners to help clean up the city streets filled with all the Buffalo Bills fans who we’re clearly on the bandwagon as they started to ascend to greatness.
Buffalo, NY – For the past two weeks football fans have finally been able to go see their favorite team play live at Bills Stadium. The success of the required pre-game testing for attendance has some local scientists pondering if this could mean something even bigger than Buffalo fans will actually be extra careful with socially distancing if they have a $100+ Bills ticket on the line.
“We started to think, what do all these Bills fans have in common, and what might effect COVID-19,” says Local Virus Researcher Abdul Johnson. “So we squirted some Frank’s Red Hot into a vial of spit contaminated with COVID, and also poured some Blue Cheese into a petri dish with coronavirus.”
According to Johnson, the results need a lot more testing but it is possible the moldy blue cheese might scare off the virus. “We’ve found COVID-19 could be more attracted to ranch dressing once again proving this virus was created by the devil himself.”
Canandaigua, NY – Bristol Mountain Ski Patrol had a busy day today after a man fell from the Comet Express lift into a tree. Luckily the man fell into a tree where skiers and snowboarders like to throw bras and he was saved from any major injuries thanks to his arms and legs getting tangled in a few double-D braziers.
“According to local lore, the bra tree tradition started in the ’60s as a way dudes showed off their sexual conquest from the night before,” says Bristol Mountain Hot Cocoa Artist Steve Bertorous. “Actually, it was panties back then but they attracted too many wild animals so the lodge asked people to switch to bras.”
Rochester, NY – Wade Harden has been in and out of bands in Rochester ever since high school but since that doesn’t pay the bills he works during the day at a local retirement home. Because of his work with the elderly Harden was actually amongst the lucky few to get the COVID vaccine here in Monroe County. And according to his friends, he won’t shut up about it.
“He keeps on texting us about an ‘amazing gig’ he just played in the Dome Arena,” says Sarah Hannigan. “I don’t know if it’s a side effect of the injection but he really seems to think he performed inside the venue like he is Machine Gun Kelly or something.”
The InnerLoop Blog has received several screenshots from Mr. Harden’s colleagues claiming he’s “finally played on a real stage.” He’s also sent out pictures of the bandage area on his arm claiming he “needed a medic” after a fan grabbed him.