Breaking News: Bob Lonsberry Says Tops Is the Same as Wegmans

Rochester,NY- Bob Lonsberry has caused a shit storm of controversy, by comparing the “N” word to the word “Boomer”. The backlash has been brutal and swift. We have just received word that Bob Lonsberry has spoken again and is saying another controversial statement, he has said that ” Tops is the same as Wegmans”. The internet has not responded kindly to this as well. We spoke with some Rochesterians about how they felt about this and here’s what they had to say.

“Umm, is this something he actually said?”

“ This seems to be diverting attention from his racist behavior”

“ That’s a fucking spot on comment bruh”

Ja Rule Announced as Park Ave Fest’s New Producer

Rochester, NY – Park Ave Fest recently revealed that they were in desperate need of a new sponsor in order to run the next festival. Without wasting any time, Festival connoisseur and friend of Jennifer Lopez, Ja Rule stepped up to the plate and offered to produce the festival.

Mr. Rule gave The Inner Loop an exclusive inside scoop on how he plans to run this year’s Festival.

“First order of business is a location. Park ave is cool, but I found a great deal on a completely uninhabitable island in the middle of the ocean, which I feel is the perfect location for the new “Pyrk Ayve Luxury Festival”

The island has it all, says Ja. No water or food, a baseline level of radiation that’s only JUST above what is harmful to human beings. The island is also overrun by a pack of exactly 36 capuchin monkeys, who have achieved mild sentience due to the radiation and are extremely violent towards any human being between the ages of 18/25 who are wearing wrist bands.

The festival will offer things that have never before been available to Rochestarians, such as a $700 half-eaten bologna sandwich for lunch, and a limited amount of “Presidential Suite Mud Huts” that come complete with a door, and mud.

All attendees also get to compete for the right to be the guy who has to give someone a blowjob for a 30 pack of Poland Springs Water.

Halfway through the press conference, the festival was canceled, no refunds were offered, and Ja Rule was summarily whisked away by a helicopter being operated by the previously mentioned monkeys, who it seems are under the eternal control of Ja himself.

Frank Gore to Wear His Original Football Pads for Today’s Buffalo Bills Game

Orchard Park, NY – Buffalo Bills Running Back Frank Gore announced he will be wearing his throwback gear for today’s game against the Washington Redskins.

The NFL said “this is a really bad idea” since when Frank Gore started, the game of Football was still in its infancy.

The InnerLoop Blog asked the Bills equipment manager what kind of protection this offers the veteran RB and they told us “he’ll have a leather helmet that offers no protection, and a jockstrap made out of goat leather. That’s it.”

Neighbor’s New Garbage Can Looks Exactly like Another Neighbor’s Old One That Blew Away in Windstorm

Rochester NY – Western NY has been dealing with high winds this week and it seems as though some people are taking advantage of the situation.

Harold Greensburg is accusing Danielle Grumsfort of stealing his garbage can that blew away from his house yesterday. “I have to give it to her for being completely shameless. I mean we’re next-door neighbors, how did she think I wouldn’t notice?” says Greensburg.

“I didn’t steal anything. God sent me this can. Clearly, Harold was mistreating it and the Lord sent it to me to fill with my delicious garbage” says Grumsfort.

In a related note, Buffalo NY has asked Rochester NY to come pick up all the recycling bins that blew into their town like “a fucking murderous tumble-weed with flower logos on them.”

 

I.T. Tech Suggests Turning Greece, NY Off and On again

Greece, NY – Citing a number of growing concerns such as “being the worst” and “more potholes than the actual road” a local I.T. technician suggested if we could potentially solve the problems plaguing Greece, NY by simply turning the town off and on again.

“Sometimes when problems like these arise, the simplest solution is just a hard reset, let the system start over fresh” Said Hinkle Doonsbury, The City’s head of I.T.

“Once a number of problems start to arise such as “everyone you went to high school with do coke and heroin now” and “they keep trying to open restaurants across Latta and Long Pond that close after 2 months”

The best option is simply to reset the town entirely and turn it back on and hope that it is no longer a straight-up worthless stretch of suburban houses and strip malls no one cares about.

Warm 101.3 Employees to Mainline Christmas Music Straight-Up Butt Beginning November

ROCHESTER, NY – Area radio executives announced today that November 3rd will be the day that Warm 101.3 employees will be pumping Christmas spirit directly into their anus.

“We’ve been bringing the joy of the holiday season to Rochester listeners for over three decades now,” wrote Marketing Director Allison Weir in a recent Facebook post. “This year to take it to the next level we are mandating that our employees take as much Bing Crosby music as possible directly to the anus, the holiday hit will be quicker and longer lasting”.

“I’m not really sure I like what they’re doing,” explained longtime Warm 101.3 listener Ruth Denger.  “It’s not even Thanksgiving yet and we’re already expecting people to want accept holiday music into their rectum? I’m already sick of it to be honest!”

As of press time yesterday Warm 101.3 competitor Mix 100.5 announced that they plan on taking Christmas music “as hard as possible, into every orifice, for as long as it takes, and give full consent to be treated like the pigs we are,” beginning November 2nd:.

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