Rochester, NY – Just a week after “The Fourth Man” announced that they would now like to be referred to as “The Fourth Woman”, Radio 95.1 afternoon personalities Kimberly and Beck have officially disowned their listeners.
“We are a family-friendly show,” explained Barry Beck. He continued saying, “ We don’t want to alienate our listeners by referring to our listeners in politically correct, snowflake terms that our listeners now want to be referred to as, it just doesn’t make sense.”
Rochester, NY – Worried that he wouldn’t have enough bags to make it through the rest of his lifetime, a local man told his cashier “don’t stop bagging these groceries until you’ve cleaned out your little bag rack.”
Wegmans is getting a head start on the NY State Plastic Bag Ban and it has hoarders freaking out.
The InnerLoop Blog office has been stacking up bags for the last few months to get ready for the bag-pocalypse. If you need any, we’re we’re charging $50 per bag. Call us.
ROCHESTER, NY – In a brazen attempt to reach the millennial and zennial and whatever the kids 17-21 call themselves these days, the CEO of Vector is trying to appease the younger workforce who desperately want to die by stabbing them with the company’s famous Cutco knives.
“We have a generation that just tweets that they want to die all day because the worlds gone insane and climate change will destroy us all. So I’m out here just committing assault with an extremely deadly weapon to get them to understand that death isn’t that great but these knives are truly the best in the industry” said CEO Barrister Chairester, who was absolutely drenched in blood while he stabbed me repeatedly with the sharpest knife I’ve ever felt.
Rochester, NY- The plastic ban is coming and Wegmans is the first to enforce it. Many are praising the grocery store chain for taking a stance in helping the environment and turning us towards a more “green” way of living.
That being said, others are saying that the consequences of this are already being seen. Multiple reports are informing us that the rise of dog shit on Rochesterians lawns is almost up a 1000% due to the lack of leftover Wegmans plastic bags.
We spoke with a local Rochesterian about what he’s currently experiencing.
” You know when I first heard of the plastic ban, I was pretty excited. I’ve always considered myself a “environmentally-conscious” person, so I completely support it. That being said, I have stepped in about five to eight different piles of dog shit this week alone. Sometimes on my front lawn and other times on the sidewalk! I think if we don’t take action now and figure out a way to pick up dog shit, the streets of Rochester will be overflowing with dog shit and chaos.”
Pittsford, NY – Whiteout conditions on I-490 east caused Pittsford native, Karen Fisher, to get off at the wrong exit on her way home.
Not exactly sure where she was, Karen reluctantly continued driving and hoped that a familiar landmark would catch her eye. Then without warning, the hulking shell of a dilapidated Wegmans came into view.
“Oh my God, what is this place?” She thought to herself as she quickly locked the doors of her brand new BMW X5.
Filled with terror, Karen frantically whipped her SUV around and sped back towards the highway. As she neared the onramp, she took one last look in her rearview mirror and spotted a sign that said, “Welcome to East Rochester.” Karen promised never to return.
Rochester, NY – Shocking news out of Rochester, NY as sources close to the Elizabeth Warren campaign have claimed that Danny Wegman told Warren in a private conversation in 2018 that women could never be a butter mascot at a grocery store.
Elizabeth Warren has been outspoken about her desire to one day inspire young girls everywhere by finally becoming the first Butter Woman, ousting the tyrannous Butter Boy who has been embroiled in a number of scandals since he was named as Wegmans official mascot for the concept of butter.
“Why not? Can I not shoot for the stars? Can I not yearn for greater things? Can I not hope to one day be portrayed as a genital-less sentient hunk of butter?” Warren said, in response to a unrelated question about Iran at the CNN Democratic Debates.
Irondequoit, NY – An Irondequoit man filed a lawsuit against Lake Ontario for intentionally ignoring the boundaries of his lake-shore property.
“I never thought that owning a home directly next to a massive body of volatile liquid would cause me so many problems,” Williams told reporters.
According to the lawsuit, Lake Ontario intentionally raised its water level and made unwanted advances onto Mr. William’s property without asking his permission. The suit also alleges that Mr. Williams tried to talk with the lake on numerous occasions, but all efforts failed.
“I have owned this house for half of my life,” Williams told reporters, “I am not going to let some lake that has been here for thousands of years get the best of me!” Lake Ontario did not immediately respond to requests for comment