Trump 2020 Sign Elected to Penfield Town Board

Penfield, NY –  In a special election, a political sign for Donald Trump’s re-election campaign has been elected to the Penfield Town Board. The Trump 2020 sign (R) is considered a rising political star in Penfield.

“This is a tremendous victory for him,” the sign’s Campaign Manager, Karen White, said on Wednesday. “He perfectly represents the people of Penfield and what they stand for.” White stated that a run for Governor in 2022 is certainly in the cards for the sign. “Think about it. There is no way he can sexually harass anybody, so that’s already one advantage he has over Governor Cuomo.”

The sign’s opponent, a coffee mug that read “The Notorious RBG,” was unavailable for comment.

Perinton Landfill To Be Moved to Greece in Effort To Increase Property Value

Greece, NY – This past week, a new agreement has been reached for Perinton’s ‘High Acres Landfill’ with a move to Greece in the works. ‘We just think it’s a great move for both parties,’ a Monroe County official told the Inner Loop Blog.

The blog caught up with local realtor, Nick Francesca to hear his thoughts on how it will affect the Greece housing market.

‘It’s an exciting time to be a realtor. The landfill coming to the west-side is going to do wonders for the neighborhoods whose value has been plummeting. People are always saying I have trash neighbors, now you actually have neighbors that are trash. Listen, the smell alone that the landfill will bring in will be an improvement. My phone has not stopped ringing since this move was announced!’

City Officials Look To Rejuvenate Downtown With Big Lawn

Rochester, NY – The prized downtown lot, Parcel 5 will become a temporary outdoor entertainment space city officials announced this past week. Parcel 5 is the latest in the long list of projects aimed at bringing people downtown. The Inner Loop Blog caught up with Rick Perkins of Penfield to hear his thoughts on the project.

‘There are few things I love more in this world than a lawn, I’ll tell you what. The bigger, the better. All that green open space, sprawling blades of glorious majesty…I’m sorry, I got a little caught up in the moment. All I want to know is, can I mow it?

‘Yes you can,’ one top city official responded when hearing of the resident’s inquiry. ‘Sundays will be bring your own mower day: rider, push, gas, electric we’ll take all comers. Just bring it out and you too can get a chance at trimming this gigantic lawn. We really think this is going to draw in suburban dads, a demographic we’ve been trying to reach for years.’

10 Reasons to Go Back to Wegmans for a Third Time Today

One does not simply go to Wegmans once a day. Here are 10 reasons why you should go back a third time.

  1. You just spent over $100 on groceries but you forgot to grab something for dinner.
  2. You need a 12 pack of Ruby Red Kolsch to help you forget your obsession with Wegmans.
  3. You love waiting in line behind an old person who pays in coins.
  4. You enjoy risking your life in the Wegmans parking lot.
  5. You like getting exercise running through the store while your arms are full of groceries.
  6. You enjoy forgetting your reusable bag in the car.
  7. You live for the thrill of almost running into people with a shopping cart.
  8. You want to see if they finally made slices of your favorite pizza.
  9. You like to zig zag through aisles to avoid people you recognize.
  10. You are a masochist who gets off on going to Wegmans.

Study: Charlotte Beach Still Super Gross

Rochester, NY – Every year around this time, the University of Rochester conducts a study on whether or not Charlotte Beach is still gross. The Inner Loop Blog caught up with the head of the research program, Phil Wright to hear more about what they found.

‘Yep. I’d love to be more technical about all this but I’ll put it in layman’s terms: it’s yucky. It’s a whole lotta ick. Trust me, you don’t want to go in there unless you want to come out all bleh. I’m not sure why we do this study every year but uh..yeah does that answer your question?

Microbrewery in Bloomfield to Open a Smaller Microbrewery Inside

Bloomfield, NY – The microbrewery The Country Sip in Bloomfield has announced plans for the opening of a new brewery. While community members expected this to mean a second location was to open, The Country Sip specified that they meant a new microbrewery would be opened in the same building. The new bar, The Little Sipper, is to have its grand opening in July.

“While we have had continued success in the area,” the Owner of The Country Sip, Waylon Milton said, “we realized that we had different, more specific brews that you just don’t see in your average, locally-owned, non-corporate breweries.”

To differentiate itself from the competition, The Little Sipper is to serve “the best of both worlds,” by blending microbrews with classic beer. A sneak preview of the menu on the company’s website boasts drinks such as the “Blackberry Miller Lite IPA,” “Rolling Rock Sour Apple,” and the “Bud Lite Lime Limeade.”

Buffalo Bills Now Require Tables To Be Properly Sanitized Before Fans Go Through Them

Orchard Park, NY – Along with the stipulation that all fans in attendance next season, the Buffalo Bills have announced a new task force that will be conducting spontaneous COVID-19 tests of all the folding tables in the tailgating section.

This is in response to a recent study that found 99% of the surfaces that Bills Mafia heaves their bodies through are actually imported from China.

“Listen, we know it’s not good to point any fingers with who started this whole thing but just out an abundance of caution, we’re going to be swabbing them for fan safety,” said an anonymous Health Official.

The Table Safety Force will be out for every home game conducting swab tests to make sure each table is completely coronavirus free before any grown man use them to break their own collarbone.

Your Lame Acquaintance From High School Announces Podcast Reviewing Garbage Plates

Webster, NY- Jonathan Greer, who you’re pretty sure you went to high school with, has announced his new podcast, Plates4Dayz. The podcast will feature Greer reviewing Garbage plates from local restaurants as well as getting black out drunk every episode. Contrary to Greer’s belief, no one asked for this. Literally, not a single soul.

When asked why, Greer responded “I just think it’s what we need right now. Plus, my mom said she was going to kick me out of the house if I didn’t find something to do with my life other than getting stoned and going to Radio Social”.

‘Some Big Trampolines and a Running Start.’ Fairport Releases New Plan for Lift Bridge Closure

Fairport, NY – The lift bridge in Fairport bridge had been expected to reopen in November of 2020 but as you’ve probably read on your mom’s friends’ Facebook posts, that sucker is still closed to this day for construction.

Since this is a lift bridge we do need to clarify that when we say “closed” we mean “closed to car traffic.” Not “closed so that car traffic can cross over it.” It can all get confusing so to put it terms the average Rochesterian can understand, “sh**s f***ed.”

After months of no news, The Innerloop Blog has just received word from the head muckety mucks in Fairport. Turns out after all of this time receiving angry mail from residents they’ve finally caved and come up with a plan to get them across the Erie Canal in a timely fashion.

“We’re going to place some really big trampolines on each side. It’s the best solution we could come up with that was both Green and helped with our town’s fitness initiatives,” said one reprehensive.

They expect the idea won’t be a hit until the first really hot day of the summer and the Ice Cream Factory has a short line on the other side of the canal.

Rochester Americans Request No Sabres be Sent Down to Them This Season

Rochester, NY – Due to the circumstances of the 2020-2021 NHL season, the Rochester Americans have requested that the Buffalo Sabres not send any players down to the AHL ranks this season.

“We are trying to convince them that it is due to safety concerns regarding Covid-19,” an unnamed Team Executive told The Inner Loop Blog. “But let’s be real here, we just want to distance ourselves from what they’ve been doing over there. Especially after that 18 game losing streak.”

The Sabres currently have 9 wins this season, where the Americans have 8. This is in spite of the fact that the AHL season started almost an entire month after the NHL season.

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