Local Man Uses Balsam Express Bagel Staff to Part Genesee River

Rochester, NY – If you have ever been to Balsam Bagels you know they have a magical staff with the power to get you to the front of the line to get your bagels to-go.

Rochester lore says the Bagel Staffs were forged when an angry Brighton witch named Karen complained to management for so long that her hatred manifested itself into five magical gluten enabling canes.

One local man wanted to test the magical strength of the Balsam Staffs by taking one to the mighty Genesee River. After sneaking it out to his car during a busy breakfast rush, Todd Solomon went to the bottom of the Genessee Falls, planted the staff into the ground, and cast the magical spell “Bagalium Creamachessus!”

The Genny parted, and at the end of the path, there was a pile of carb-loaded treats, lactose filled spreads, and several vegan options were “alright.”

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Following Bridge Closure, Fairport Man Seeks New Place To Jump

Fairport, NY – Following reports that the Fairport bridge will be closed for over a year due to maintenance concerns, a local dentist and disappointment to his family Martin Stuart expressed frustrations over finding a new place to end his miserable, lackluster life.

“What am I supposed to do?” asks Martin, doing nothing at all to convince anyone to talk him out of it. “Where am I supposed to jump now? How far am I supposed to go? Have you ever seen the price of gas lately?”

Per sources who wouldn’t call themselves close to Martin, but insisted that they knew him “as well as anybody would be willing to,” the Fairport resident has been lofting the idea of suicide “for months now.”

“I wish he would just do it already,” says Dan Stuart, Martin’s son. “Just once, I would like to see this supposed ‘role model’ actually follow through with something. What lesson am I supposed to learn when he allows one bridge closure to stop him?”

Of course, it wouldn’t be appropriate to only present a point of view that encourages a man to take his own life. So, in the interest of journalistic integrity, The Inner Loop called a locally-based suicide prevention hotline to gain a different perspective. Unfortunately, the hotline was all too familiar with the situation.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong; he’s a huge source of revenue for us,” says Sandra Walker, president of the organization behind the hotline. “But, if we’re being honest, his incessant calling is a bit of a bummer. I’m not the only one in the organization who feels this way about Martin, but I am the only one who divorced him over it.”

It’s a sad day when even those who are rooting for you are rooting for you to just give up already.

Update: We attempted to reach out to Martin following the comments from his son and ex-wife, but he has reportedly dumped all old lines of communication and “found Christ,” prompting even us at The Inner Loop to wish him a not-so-fond farewell

 

School Bus Driver Suing Local Parents After Going Untagged in 150 Back to School Instagram Pictures

Rochester, NY – After a full day of being in the background of children’s “back-to-school” photo ops, one Bus Driver is firing back at local parents.

“If you’re gonna hold us up to take a picture, you could at least tag me in the picture, I am in the background and I am looking damn good,” said Tasha Greenspell.

Tasha is suing for the close the extra half-hour she had to be on the road this morning holding up the traffic of everyone behind her bus.

“I’ve got enemies in these neighborhoods because you parents had to take photos,” said Tasha. “These people were already late to work and now because you had to get your 3-like ugly ass kid on Instagram they’re even later!”

 

10,000 Arrests in One Day at Finger Lakes DWI Checkpoints

Finger Lakes, NY – The Finger Lake’s region is one of the best parts of New York. Beautiful scenery, clean water, and some of the best wine in the world. But after many years of a lax approach to supervising the roads near the wine trails, police are starting to crack down on drunk driving in the area.

“We just never thought about it I guess,” said Officer Leroy Grapesmithy. “We just figured everyone was drinking responsibly. All the commercials tell you too.”

As it turns out, no one actually drinks responsibly in wine country. The DWI Checkpoint set up near the popular Hazlitt winery averaged about 10 arrests an hour. Even after people drove past it on the way in, they would get blackout on Red Cat, and drive back into it.

Bartender Tired of Disposing of the Bodies of Tourists He Catches Eating at ‘Locals Only’

Rochester, NY –  The staff at the popular eatery Locals Only are thinking about staging a walk-out after management forced them to take their “For Locals, By Locals” too seriously.

“It seems like once a week now we get some tourists coming in to try out the local cuisine and after we double-check their license we have to murder them for not being a local” said bartender Tommy Foolsbar. “Nobody like’s doing it but it has to be done.”

Due to a weird New York law, since the restaurant states that they openly discriminate against non-Rochesterians via their signage, they’re allowed to take the life of anyone that doesn’t reside inside of Monroe County.

“Our hands are tied,” said Officer Gladerbock. “All we can do is open the start a Visitors Only to make things even.”

Hurricane Dorian Will Not Affect Rochester; Locals Buy Several Loaves of Bread Just to Be Safe

Rochester, NY – Other than effecting flights from the airport Hurricane Dorian is not expected to make an impact on Rochester. Even though residents know this and trust the National Weather Service they have still cleared out the shelves at Wegmans of bread, milk, and beer.

“I know the storm isn’t going to be hitting us hard but hey you never know” says Greg Rondon who we stopped on the way into a grocery store. “By the time it makes it do us it could be a category 5 snow strorm!”

Even though we told Greg that is not a thing, he still proceeded to go into Wegmans and buy all of the Hot Dog buns and condoms they had left.

13WHAM News Team Down to Don Alhart and Mop Wearing Glasses

Rochester, NY – After the announcements that Norma Holland and Jennifer Johnson would be leaving, 13WHAM ABC has struggled to keep anyone on it’s News Team.

First, it was those two newswomen, then it was the interns, then the cameramen, and now the Channel 13 studio is down to just Don Alhart and an upside-down mop they cut to when it’s time for weather or sports.

Sinclair Broadcasting would be upset but according to recent surveys, ratings are through the roof. The mop is a hit.

“Viewers keep on messaging us asking who the new exotic women is with Don” said producer Josh Tonzil. “The mop is now Rochester’s most trusted source for the weather next to everyone’s phones.”

Rochester NY's #1 Fake News Source

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