Party In The Park Suing Bands On The Bricks For Alliteration Imitation

ROCHESTER, NY – With a goal to resolve their frustration via litigation, Party In The Park creators are charging Bands On The Bricks administrators with alliteration imitation for using wordplay in a criminal way.

While the sound of each event has a similar cadence, there may be some difficulty in finding them guilty. While Bands On The Bricks clearly stole some ideas, it’s not like they lost that plane in Malaysia.

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Rochester Prepares Itself for the Great Cereal Bar War of 2019

Rochester, NY – Morgan’s Cereal Bar is set to open in September at 320 East Ave, a shot across the bow of Pop Roc, Rochester’s original cereal bar located at 337 East Ave. And like that the die in the Great Cereal Bar War was cast, something Rochesterians will surely be telling their grandchildren and folk songs will be written about.

‘This is almost like opening a bar where you destroy stuff across the street from a bar where you chuck axes but way worse, ya know.” Steve McAdams of Fairport told the Interloop Blog.

Pop Roc, who celebrated its One Year Anniversary back in April not only offers various cereal creation options but also caffeine concoctions, comics, and memorabilia. Morgan’s cereal bar will not only offer cold cereal but also hot cereal. No doubt the cereal bar war will rage on for years leaving hundreds dead and the city in rubble. But there’s no sense in crying over spilled milk.

711 Truthers? 104 East Ramp Closure Outed as Way to Sell More Slurpees at 590/Empire Blvd Exit

Rochester, NY – We have received documents from inside sources saying that the 104 East ramp connecting to 590 that has been closed for “repairs” was actually closed for nefarious purposes.

According to our sources, the ramp was actually closed to funnel Irondequoitians to the 590/Empire Boulevard exit in an effort to sell more Slurpees.

711 hopes the road closure and the inclusion of the frozen beverage in the new season of Stranger Things will be enough to raise stock prices through the roof.

We can not tell you who are sources are or if they are just our Uncle who happened to be stuck in traffic this morning with a brain freeze from a Slurpee.

Local Genius Gets Free Slice of Capicola at Wegmans Deli by Pretending He Wants to “Try It”

Rochester, NY – A local man is being heralded as a genius after he received one free slice of capicola at the Wegmans Deli by pretending he just “wanted to try it”

“Those idiots didn’t even know what hit them,” said the man, who asked not to be named as he didn’t want the fame to get to his head, and feared being hounded by paparazzi.

“I have had capicola a number of times, I am well aware of what it tastes like, yet I pretended that I did not, in order to receive one small slice of capicola for free. I bet no one has ever thought to do that before. I see myself as a revolutionary of sorts.”

So what’s next? The man said he is currently coordinating a plan to go to various Wegmans and collect enough free slices to make himself a full sandwich.

“It might take a few months of planning to get it right, if I mess up even once, the jig is up. If I die trying, please do not make me a martyr, I’m not doing this for the fame and fortune, I’m doing it for a free sandwich, with no less than 3 types of meat.”

HBO’s Chernobyl Producers Announce “More Horrifying Documentary” of the Hotel Cadillac Renovations

Rochester, NY – “The things we’ve seen here are terrifying,” said one former Chernobyl Producer about their new project titled “Hotel Cadillac.” The new series will follow the teams working on the $16M renovation of the Rochester landmark.

HBO hopes to capitalize on the popularity of environmental disasters with Rochester’s biggest health hazard.

“Do you remember the naked miners from Chernobyl that had to dig that tunnel? Get ready to see some naked contractors that have to work that way because of their clothing sticks to the carpet as they’re trying to rip it up” said director N. Might Malasean.

In an effort to avoid any spoilers we will not go into the sneak preview of the show they let us watch but we will say there is a scene where they have to call in a priest to perform an exorcism on the old linens in the building, and after watching that, we know demons exist, and they all still reside in the Hotel Cadillac.

Downtown Rochester Restaurant You Never Knew Existed Closed Because of Your Ignorance

ROCHESTER, NY – Yet another new restaurant has failed less than a year after opening and guess what; it’s your fault for not knowing it existed in the first place.

Cafè Luna Bella Whatever has closed its doors just months after opening to little to no reception from you or your friends because you failed to read a Yelp review because you were too busy going to Good Luck because everyone talks about it, you lazy son of a bitch.

In a few months, another place that replaced this place you’ve never been to will close too and you’ll have no clue until the D&C runs another business closings article because you are a close-minded, Applebee’s 2 for 20 loving suburban twat.

Sincerely,

The elite yelper that enjoys $14 happy hour craft cocktails alone

Rochester NY's #1 Fake News Source

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