PITTSFORD, NY — Declaring they were “deeply moved” by the bold crust and rustic seasoning of a recent purchase from the Pittsford Wegmans bakery, a local family announced Friday they would be summering in the famed Garlic Tuscan region of Italy. The Marlingtons, a prominent family known for founding an artisanal dog yoga studio in the Pittsford Plaza, claim the $6 loaf opened their eyes to a simpler, more carb-forward way of life.

“We bit into that bread and immediately knew we needed to reconnect with our roots,” said family matriarch Leighton Marlington. “Our souls were stirred. The bread spoke to us, and what it said was, ‘Leave behind your Range Rover and find yourself among the garlic-scented winds.’” The family is reportedly planning a six-week spiritual retreat in what they believe to be a remote hillside village just outside Florence.

The Innerloop Blog spoke to their travel agent who has told us that they were unable to locate “Garlic Tuscan” on any map but did find an Airbnb that looked similar to the bread’s label and are just planning to ship a few loaves of the bread to the host to make it seem legit.

They also used ChatGPT to make a pamphlet called “Basic Italian for Bread-Triggered Travelers” to help the children with “language immersion practice.”