Rochester, NY – Growing fear over the spread of coronavirus has caused panicked shoppers to begin stockpiling toilet paper. The surge in demand has led to widespread shortages across the area and forced Wegmans to begin selling reusable toilet paper.
“Our reusable toilet paper is ethically sourced and made from only the highest quality canvas material,” a Wegmans spokesperson told the blog. “The fabrics high thread count minimizes chafing and maximizes cleanup efficiency.”
Environmentalists have applauded Wegmans for their commitment to recycling and sustainability.
“Each roll contains 80% post-consumer recycled fecal matter, all of which is generated by customers returning their reusable toilet paper to the store.” The Wegmans spokesperson said.
Wegmans hopes that their reusable toilet paper will catch on with shoppers so that they can eliminate single use toilet paper entirely.
“The company is aware that not all customers will find the transition to reusable toilet paper easy,” the spokesperson said, “so we will provide Helping Hands services to any shopper who needs help wiping in store or at home.”
Wuhan, China – Chinese citizens are being asked to cancel any and all flights to the greater Rochester area, as fears continue to grow that the diseases contained within Irondequoit, NY are spreading at a deadly rate.
Officials worry that the residents, who as of right now are only at risk for coronavirus, may expose themselves to the much greater threat that is the disease of Irondequoit.
Often referred to as Gennyvirus and “Titus Fever” the disease leads to multiple symptoms such as, drinking at the same bar every Saturday until you die, supporting sports teams that will never, ever win a championship, and never moving out of your home town.
Hilton, NY – Decades of discrimination against black trucks in the United States finally forced Hilton resident, Kyle Smith, to take action.
“It is time I take a stand for the rights of black truck drivers everywhere.” Kyle told the Blog, “I hope every person I cut-off on the highway will see this bumper sticker and think about all the prejudice black truck drivers endure.”
The black trucks matter movement took off after footage from a police bodycam caught an officer lawfully ticketing the driver of a black truck for driving forty miles over the speed limit.
It’s outrageous,” Kyle said, “Next thing you know, the cops will be pulling us over for not using our turn signals!”
Kyle plans to tailgate as many people as possible on 590 and 490 in a show of solidarity with his black truck brothers.
Rochester, NY – Research conducted by a reputable business journal found that Rochester ranks as the best city to score a fat bag of your favorite illegal substance in the United States.
Rank was determined by a series of tests based on information from each city’s drug marketplace. Rochester scored highest in drug diversity, dealer response time and customer satisfaction.
“I can’t imagine a better city to get high in,” one local drug user told the Blog, “I can always find the best drugs even though I can’t find my pants.”
However, not everyone was happy with the business journal’s findings.
“I think we still have a lot of work to do before we can call Rochester the best,” a city official said in response to the report, “I bought a zip last weekend and it was definitely cut with something. It barely got me high at all!”
Rochester’s local drug dealer union is happy to be ranked the best in the country and hope to maintain that title for years to come.
Brockport, NY – Five SUNY and CUNY students currently living in countries affected by the outbreak of COVID-19 are being recalled. The students upon their return could be housed in a number of quarantine locations including a dormitory at SUNY Brockport. The Inner Loop Blog was on the scene to ask students what they thought about this possibility.
- ‘Yo but for real though I’m mad concerned’ Tyler Jacobs a third-year sophomore at Brockport reported. ‘It’s like I am going to have to wear a rubber now? Scary stuff, it just don’t feel the same. Yeah they call me the clapper because of how I be spreading my chlamydia son! Clap on, Clap off, da clapper holla at cha boy!’
The Inner Loop Blog was able to speak with a parent who voiced her concern over the possible quarantine location. ‘Yes my daughter Katie is on campus and is extremely vigilant about cleanliness and staying healthy. She is my baby and I would just die if anything would happen to her. Oh yes, I don’t see how that relevant but yes she’s dating Tyler Jacobs. Such a nice boy, a bit zealous and I just wish he’d stop itching himself in public. Unsanitary!
We will continue to follow the story to see what is decided.
Rochester, NY – Ever since the Coronavirus touched down in the United States, Rochesterians have been convinced that there is an even deadlier ailment around the corner: The Gennyvirus.
“I’m assuming it’s kind of like the Genny Screamers on steroids,” said local hypochondriac Chad Cheddington. “Like brutal diarrhea, the sweats, awful drunk texts to your ex… The whole thing.”
Local health offices are so fed up with answering questions about a potential Gennyvirus that they’ve put out mass emails to all their patients to confirm that it does not exist and to please stop calling. They also stated for the record that switching to Genny Light will not help you avoid any future ailments.
Rochester, NY – Local scientists and physicians are currently working hard to prove Boss Sauce is the cure for Coronavirus as it may be the only hope the city has to fight the deadly virus.
“What we’ve noticed is not everyone loves to get vaccine shots, but they do love boss sauce,” says Dr. Rafeal Sidiq. “The hope is that someone the combination of vinegar and sugar can kill the virus.”
Current tests are injecting rats with COVID-19 and feeding them tiny chicken tendies dunked in the sauce. So far the rats have all died, faster, but they have looked happy while doing it.