Iron Smoke Hand Sanitizer Voted Rochester’s Best Tasting Alcohol

Rochester, NY – Iron Smoke’s new hand sanitizer has quickly become a favorite amongst germaphobes and liquor connoisseurs alike.

“This hand sanitizer is the best tasting thing to come out of this city.” An expert told the Blog. “It keeps you clean leaves you not being able to taste or smell a damn thing.”

The hand sanitizer recently won first place in a competition against rival drinkable cleaners, including bleach, hand soap and dish detergent.

 

Kimberly & Beck Now Offering “Curbside Racial Slurs”

Rochester, NY- Racial tensions are at an all-time high in the country. Local radio hosts Kimberly & Beck have just been fired for making some unsavory racial comments on the radio. This is not the first time these “shock jocks” have been in hot water due to their comments. We have just found out that in the wake of their being fired, they have now announced they will be offering “Curbside Racial Slurs” for anyone who would like to stop by. This is their official statement on their new service.

“ We know that many Rochester listeners look forward to our daily banter on how people of color should act and why we as a white man and woman should always listen too. So we have decided to now offer curbside racial slurs. What does that entail you ask? Well, I’m happy to tell you. First, just make sure to call us when you arrive outside, please be wearing your mask (safety first!). Then when we approach your car. You just tell us what ethnic group you’re having a problem with and we will go on about a 5-10 minute rant of why they suck! This is a free service and we’re more than happy to do it. We just need an outlet to vomit our progressive white opinions.

Study: 95% of Rochester’s Stimulus Money Has Gone to One Pennsylvania Fireworks Salesmen

Rochester, NY – The InnerLoop Blog has received several complaints from local dogs and veterans about the unsanctioned fireworks displays going on downtown on a nearly nightly basis.

After some digging, we were able to track down the man responsible for supply the amateur pyrotechnics, and the story goes deeper than we could have ever imagined.

Phil Testeen is a Pennslyvania native who just so happens to have the roadside fireworks stand closest to the New York State Border. “I’m not going to lie to you fellas, I’ve had to shoot a lot of roman candles up competitors poo’ holes to maintain this spot,” said a very candid Testeen.  “Sometimes I will catch someone trying to sneak into my territory so I will wait until they’re sleeping and I will sneak into their house and light off a sparkler in their poo’ hole,” said Testeen confirming that he indeed has committed many firework-related butt crimes.

While his firework stand is rundown and tattered, do not be fooled. According to our sources, Testeen is actually one of the richest men on the planet. “I pay of those Forbes people to keep me off their list, I want my privacy to do my poo’ hole related business in peace.”

Recent estimates show that he’s seen a huge boost to his business thanks to the COVID-19 stimulus checks and he told us “whenever you see a firework above Rochester NY, there’s a 99% chance it came from my stand, and a 100% chance it’s been up my poo’ hole!”

Local Fire Department Warns Residents Against Using Water in Case of Greece Fire

Greece, NY – Over the last couple of weeks a string of fires have occurred in the ‘well-respected’ westside town. Greece fire captain, Anthony Gubliota spoke at a recent town meeting and The Inner Loop blog was there to hear what he had to say.

‘Listen everybody, I know if you’ve got a fire everyone right away wants to get water but not here, not in Greece. OK. You following me? Here, if there’s a fire, you just let it burn. Let it burn until there’s just a pile of ashes and then we’ll come with a big broom to sweep em’ up. Then the family that lived there can move to a different, better town say like I don’t know Penfield or something…probably can’t afford Pittsford or Brighton. But anyways, repeat after me everyone Stop, Drop and leave Greece as fast as you can.”

 

RPD Plans To Recruit Charlotte Beach Brawlers To Help Quell Future Protests

Rochester, NY- The RPD is searching for new ways to ward off future protests and in leaked plans uncovered by The InnerLoop Blog, it appears they’re trying to hire the local brawlers at Charlotte beach. Here’s an unreleased statement from the leaked documents:

” You know, we have all sorts of anti-protest measures. Tear gas, pepper spray, rubber bullets. All of those are effective, but we believe here at the RPD that we need something that the people can understand. So we’ve decided to hire some local brawlers from the charlotte beach area to go toe to toe with these protestors down the road.”

‘Gary-the-Happy-Pirate’ Speaks Out Against Former Bandmate ‘Steve-The-Abusive-Cop’

Rochester, NY – Following the murder of George Floyd and the subsequent protests, many have been speaking out about the injustices that they have experienced at the hands of the police. This past week Gary Smith more commonly known as Gary the Happy Pirate, the recently retired beloved children’s performer contacted the Inner Loop Blog to speak about his tumultuous past with his former bandmate, Steve the Abusive Cop.

‘Yeah we all thought it was an odd choice of name, you know especially since we were performing for children. The kids didn’t like him too much and to be honest he didn’t help himself.  The first show he pulled a gun on a little girl because he said he said she wasn’t having enough fun. The dude would just fly off the handle, for barely any reason, pretty sure he was taking steroids and cocaine because once I walked in on him taking steroids and cocaine. I’m not sure what happened to Steve but I sure hope he got the help he needed. Also, he didn’t even really play an instrument, he would just blow a whistle every once in a while and glared at everyone. What. A. Psycho.’

‘Don’t They Have Jobs?’ Pittsford Mom Who Has Never Worked A Day In Her Life Types Below Article

Pittsford, NY – Upon seeing images of the protests in Downtown Rochester over the last couple of weeks, Nancy Stevens of Pittsford left her comment and added ‘I mean seriously,’ closing her laptop in a huff. The Inner Loop blog caught up with Nancy and asked her if she would like to expand on her comment.

Inner Loop: So Nancy, we looked into it and turns out that many, if not all of the people at the protest downtown do currently or lost their jobs due to closings caused by the pandemic. Also, some of them took time off from their work to dedicate themselves to a cause that is meaningful. While you’re free to comment below any post, it shows your ignorance to what is truly going on and contributes absolutely nothing to society.

Nancy: Did you have a question?

Inner Loop: No.

Man Who Never Went To Fuego Will Continue To Not Go

Rochester, NY – Fuego Coffee Roasters recently announced that they will no longer be offering free coffee to members of the Rochester Police Department, and instead will be extending the offer to Rochester City School District teachers. The shift in policy did not sit well with some, including Penfield resident, Tom Haskins.

“Who do they think they are?” Haskins asked an Inner Loop reporter. “The RPD keeps Rochester streets clean and safe. They’re the reason that crime is so rare in the city. Teachers suck. How many people has the RCSD arrested? None. That’s how many. I will no longer be frequenting Fuego.”

When asked if he’s ever been to Fuego, Haskins replied “No, but there’s a first time for everything. If they continued to accommodate our boys in blue, I would have totally gone, like tomorrow. Not anymore, though.”

At press time, Haskins is drinking a steamy cup of Starbucks coffee. According to Haskins, “It tastes like toilet water, but at least they lick boots… I mean, respect the police, like me.”

Man Holding Fish In Facebook Photo Does Not Like Lovely Warren

Farmington, NY – Lovely Warren announced Thursday that she will be seeking re-election in the 2021 Rochester mayoral race. Her decision has been met with mixed feelings from people around the area, but none angrier than Greg Davidson.

Davidson, a 61-year-old Farmington resident, and apparent fishing enthusiast, has been vocal on Facebook about his disdain for Mayor Warren. “She’s destroying the city,” said Davidson, who is holding a 95 pound king salmon in his default picture. “She’s terrible. She’s a disgrace to the office.” 

Without offering any critique on Warren’s policies, Davidson went on a tirade, riddled with misinformation and grammatical errors, in the comments section of a Democrat and Chronicle article. When asked why he cares so much about the mayor of Rochester, seeing as he lives 20 miles away from the city, Davidson replied “I have a second cousin who lives in Irondequoit, and that’s a lot closer.”

At press time, Davidson has taken a break from online activism to harass Leticia Astacio with a troll account.

Arrested Wayne County Sex Worker Avoids Charges By Being A Goat

Williamson, NY – The Wayne County Sheriff’s Office arrested an alleged prostitute over the weekend during a sting operation. Molly Jennings, of East Williamson, was taken into custody at approximately 11 PM on Saturday, but released shortly after, on account of her being a goat.

“It’s terrible. We have these farm animals roaming all over the county, seducing men with their eyes, offering sex in exchange for grains,” said Sheriff Barry Virts. “It has to stop. We need to start charging these animals just like we do humans.”

However, many in the area feel that prostitution should be legalized, since it is a victimless crime. We asked Ms. Jennings for her thoughts, to which she replied “bahhhhh.”

“How do you expect a man to not be turned on by a naked goat walking around, genitals on display for the world to see?” asked Virts. “I mean, I’m more of a sheep guy myself, but you best believe I’m also attracted to goats.”

At press time, Sheriff Virts has drafted legislation requiring all farm animals to wear pants in public.

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