ROCHESTER, NY — Local music fan Tyler McGowan has been commenting “Come to Rochester” under his favorite bands’ posts for as long as he can remember. While fully aware that, at best, Rochester attracts artists on weekday tour stops between bigger cities, McGowan continues to plead for international acts to visit.

“My hope is they see the five to eight likes I get on my comment and think about it,” McGowan told The Innerloop Blog. “Not like seriously, obviously. I know they’d never actually come, and honestly, I’d probably respect them less if they did.”

Friends say they’ve seen McGowan leave heartfelt pleas on posts from Beyoncé, Radiohead, and even Daft Punk, who haven’t toured in over a decade. “He’s mentioned Lilac Festival to artists that have headlined Coachella,” said one friend. “You have to admire his dedication and his complete, beautiful naivety.”

ROCHESTER, NY — A groundbreaking new study from the University of Rochester’s Department of What the Fuck Is Going On has confirmed what millions of Americans have suspected for years: there is absolutely no goddamn reason chicken wings should cost this much. Researchers say their findings were consistent across all test environments, including bars, takeout menus, and Wegmans — which continues to sell a prepared food item labeled as “wings” despite mounting evidence to the contrary.

The report noted that wing prices have somehow remained sky-high even after supply chain issues eased, suggesting a “deeply unholy alliance” between bar owners, poultry suppliers, and whatever demonic force runs DoorDash. The study also found that other cuts of chicken have not seen anywhere near the same price inflation, leading scientists to conclude that “somebody’s fucking lying.”

Economists predict prices will not drop until Americans are required to take Ozempic through RFK’s new “No Fatties” initiative which will be rolled out following the government shutdown.

ROCHESTER, NY — As the World Series gets underway, local man and Toronto Blue Jays infielder Ernie Clement has reportedly reminded Rochester residents that baseball is, in fact, still being played professionally. The revelation stunned many locals, who had assumed the sport had quietly ended sometime around the fall of 2016.

Clement’s appearance on the national stage briefly reignited civic pride, though most Rochesterians admitted they were unsure what exactly he does on the field. “I think he’s like Josh Allen but he gets to throw at people who are standing still?” said one fan, scrolling past the news while checking the Bills injury report. “Good for him though. It’s nice to see a local kid make it, even if it’s in a sport people only watch by accident.”

While baseball’s popularity remains in question, city officials say they’re proud of Clement’s success and have already scheduled a ceremony to honor him at that place where Bruce The Bat Dog works.

BUFFALO, NY —Following yet another gut-wrenching Bills loss, one local fan reportedly began watching full Sabres games “just to feel something worse.” Witnesses say the man, still wearing his Bills hoodie and emotional bruises, told friends he wanted to “put things in perspective” by watching a team that’s been rebuilding longer than most of its players have been alive.

Within minutes of tuning in, the plan worked perfectly. “Watching the Sabres fail to score goals was oddly soothing,” the fan said. “Sure, the Bills can’t move the ball, but at least Josh does something cool once in a while.” He described the experience as “like putting on emo music and just giving in to the sadness completely.” The sight of empty seats and half-hearted power plays reminded him that “things could always be sadder.”

The man says it’s working so well that he plans to purchase a Sabres season ticket package, as long as he can overlook the fact that both franchises are owned by the same person, and how that’s definitely not a concern at all.

SPENCERPORT NY – In an effort to save a dog trapped in a well at the corner of Union and Ogden Center road the Spencerport Fire Department has spent hours contemplating just how much dynamite is needed in this situation. “It’s not something we take lightly and definitely not something we want to muck up”, said Fire Chief Jake Bromage. “You don’t get a poor innocent dog unstuck from a well by just blasting it out… you need to use the exact precise amount of dynamite in this situation”.

The Spencerport Fire Department has recently been under scrutiny after using a high powered firehose to get a cat out of a tree earlier this week leaving many neighbors concerned. Spencerport native Kelly O’Connel voiced her concern explaining, “if they don’t understand how to properly get a cat out of a tree using a firehose how do I trust that they’re going to use the right amount of dynamite to properly launch a dog safely out of a well?”

At press time the fire department was unable to talk more about the situation because they were trying to stop a runaway train by dropping a big anvil on it.

ROCHESTER, NY — In a strongly worded press release issued Monday, Wegmans reminded customers that its subs are not available “Danny’s Way.” The supermarket chain clarified that while shoppers are free to customize toppings, employees will not honor requests to have sandwiches cut with a credit card, served on a mirror, or wrapped into several smaller plastic baggies.

Company officials say confusion began when a customer ordered a sub “Danny’s Way” instead of a “Danny’s Favorite.” Matters escalated when the same customer asked staff to “chop it up real fine and fast” and paid with hundred-dollar bills rolled into a straw shape.

Wegmans confirmed they remain committed to innovation in the sub department, but emphasized that “Danny’s Way” will never appear on the menu boards. In the meantime, store managers ask customers to stop hanging out near the deli counter at midnight, asking if there’s a “back room special.”

ROCHESTER, NY  – Brownstein’s Bagel Bakery passed away tragically this week after a devastating fire swept through its Twelve Corners home. Brownstein’s quickly rose to prominence as the reliable morning companion of Brighton residents, known for its chewy everything bagels and cream cheese spreads.

Brownstein’s is survived by dozens of loyal customers who still giggle when they use the word “schmear.” Community members are concerned that the breakfast staple may never return and promise to cut a whole into the middle of every meal they eat until the owners rebuild.

ROCHESTER, NY — Brownstein’s Bagel Bakery passed away tragically this week after a devastating fire consumed its Twelve Corners home. Since the early 1980s, Brownstein’s had been a reliable morning companion for Brighton residents, beloved for its chewy everything bagels and generous cream cheese schmears.

Brownstein’s is survived by generations of loyal customers who still giggle when they say “schmear.” While the future remains uncertain, the community has vowed to cut a hole in the middle of every meal they eat until the bakery is rebuilt.

ROCHESTER, NY — Offices across Western New York buzzed Monday after the Buffalo Bills erased a 15-point fourth-quarter deficit to shock the Baltimore Ravens. Many fans left early, prompting quarterback Josh Allen to sigh to reporters, “That’s OK. We’ll be fine. But have some faith next time.”

Enter Ted Golonzo of Webster, who spent the entire workday bragging about going to the game and insisting that he’s no “soft fan” who “left early like a coward.” Colleagues, however, report that during the comeback, Golonzo was suspiciously active in the group chat “almost like they were comfortably in the passenger seat of their DD’s car, listening to the game on the radio.”

Adding to the doubt: the supposed diehard hasn’t yawned or touched a coffee all day, prompting office sources to wonder if anyone who actually stayed for the full game would have made it to work. Let alone survived the celebratory hangover without spending time in the unisex bathroom.

ROCHESTER, NY — Local favorite Zweigle’s shocked consumers this week with the release of their most aggressive hot dog innovation yet: a limited-edition Independence Day casing designed to completely explode upon contact with a grill. According to company officials, the new design offers “maximum pop” and is aimed at thrill-seeking grillmasters and emotionally repressed uncles desperate to “feel something, anything.”

“Consumers have always loved the satisfying snap of a Zweigle’s hot dog,” said a company spokesperson. “So we thought, what if instead of a pop, it was a deafening boom that sent meat fragments across three picnic tables? Early feedback suggests people love the surprise and the singeing.” The casing, developed in partnership with Phantom Fireworks and several unpaid RIT interns, is made from a proprietary blend of pork collagen and highly unstable charcoal powder.

While some customers have reported grill damage, minor hearing loss, and unshakable flashbacks, Zweigle’s insists the product is safe “as long as you keep the lid closed and have had a few cold ones to keep you loose.” Plans are already underway for a bratwurst that doubles as a roadside flare.