Conservatives Say “Plastic Bag Ban” Will Not Stop Criminals From Getting Their Hands on Them

New York is set to ban plastic bags in March of this year, with Wegmans jumping on early and banning plastic bags by the end of January. The announcement has local conservatives up in arms.

“The founding fathers are rolling in their graves!” Said conservative leader John Smith, referring to John and Walter Wegman, founders of Wegmans grocery store.

Local liberal groups are firing back, claiming that there is blood on the conservatives hands, referring of course to the turtles that occasionally get caught in some of the plastic bags and have a hard time getting out, which actually is pretty cute the longer you think about it.

“Who is this going to stop? Do you think the criminals coming in over the border are going to care about some BAN? They are going to get their hands on them one way or another.” John Smith said, referring to the influx of criminals spilling over the border of Hilton and Greece.

He wants the rest of Rochester to know that when the ban falls apart, not to come to him for help.

“Just wait, when the shit hits the fan, the only thing that will stop a bad guy with a plastic bag is a good guy with a plastic bag. While all you little snowflakes are empty handed, I’ll be the one laughing, carrying roughly 5-7 delicately organized items with me, eggs on the bottom bread on top.”

Jim Gaffigan Asks Rochester Which Toilet He Should Unload His Garbage Plate Into

NEW YORK CITY, NY – A visibly distraught Jim Gaffigan asked Rochester what bathroom he should use on a Facebook live video after eating a Nick Tahou’s Garbage plate over the weekend. “I just really need to know where I can unload this hell and I need to know fast,” said the comedian as he struggled to dab sweat off his forehead in the 3-minute long video. Gaffigan performed at The Blue Cross Arena on Saturday, the same day he posted a live video of himself eating a Garbage Plate.

Doctor Kelly of Greece Ridge General Medicine explained, “the pressure he is feeling in his gastrointestinal system is common with such fatty foods.” She continues saying, “the pain can seem unbearable and he’s going to want to find a good load-bearing toilet to release the pressure.”

Reports indicate that Gaffigan had posted a 30-second long video of him on the ground in the fetal position weeping to himself, “I didn’t make it, I never had a chance.” The video is no longer posted on Facebook as of this time.

Complete Dumbass Blessed With the Ability to Fly Still in Rochester for Some Reason

Rochester, NY – “There is no reason I should be hearing chirping in the middle of winter,” one local man wrote to The InnerLoop Blog’s complaint line. It’s the 5,000th letter we’ve received criticizing about all the birds who decide to stick it out here in Rochester year-round.

Yes, even though they were given the ability to fly and can build a new home wherever they want with any permits, several birds decide to stay in Monroe County even through the Winter.

“It’s crazy. Why would they stay here? They don’t have a crappy family holding them down like most of us” said one local dad in front of his whole family. “At least the bugs have the decency to all die during the winter. They’ve got it right!”

 

Kodak Announces New Business Strategy to Fall Back Into Bankruptcy

Rochester, NY- Last Tuesday, Kodak executives rang in the new year by hosting a press conference to announce their new business strategy that will allow the company to fall back into bankruptcy. 

“Kodak has come a long way since first filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in 2012,” a spokesperson for the company said, “we believe that it is time for us to do it again.”

In it’s heyday, the Kodak brand was globally recognized and the company spent years dominating the photographic film business. Then the company decided it would be best to just f*** it all up.

“We know this will come as a surprise to many,” the spokesperson said, “but we feel that bankruptcy gives us the best opportunity to move forward and lay off as many employees as possible.”

Details of the plan are said to promote the complacency of Kodak’s executives while reinforcing their ignorance and failure to adapt in the face of technological change.

“Kodak?” local resident, Peter Smith, said when asked about the company’s new strategy, “I do not even know what that is.”

Former Judge Astacio Partners With Finger Lakes Vineyard on New “Prison Wine” Blend

Finger Lakes, NY – Former judge Leticia Astacio isn’t letting being sentenced back to jail for violating probation stop her from living her best life.

A new winery in the Finger Lakes has announced a partnership with the disgraced City Court judge for a brand new line of “Prison Wine.”

“While wine is usually fermented in barrels, we’re using some techniques Leticia picked up in jail to make this new batch of wines,” says head winemaker Darby Peirce. “The grapes are crushed by hand and left in a toilet with some sugar and yeast until it’s ready for drinking.” The yeast, in this case, is a piece of stale white bread that can be found in any prison commissary.

Unfortunately, we have not been able to try the wine so we can not give you a full review but we can offer its description according to the label:

“Astacio is a semi-sweet red table wine that opens with a sweet sangria-style taste and finishes with a toilet tang. It pairs perfectly with sloppy joes, sad eggs, and mystery meat. You’ll be trading cigarettes for a glass of this bad boy in no time!”

Two Friends Just “Catching Up” In Middle of Wegmans Aisle Cause Deadly Shopping Cart Pileup

Penfield, NY – A massive chain-reaction pileup on aisle 5A in Wegmans late Friday afternoon left dozens injured and at least two dead, authorities said.

Over 26 shopping carts crashed after long-time friends, Ashley Smith and Dave Miller, just happened to run into each other while running errands.

“It was just so unexpected,” Ashley told reporters, “I haven’t seen Dave since our yoga class at the Y last night and I just had to know how his kids were doing.”

Jacob Thomas, 32, was picking up a bag of potato chips on his way to the checkouts when he suddenly heard enthusiastic squeals coming from two women at the end of the aisle. Thomas told reporters that by the time he looked up to see them excitedly embracing each other, it was too late.

“I heard one of them asking about their kid’s hockey tournament in Webster next weekend,” he said, “that is when I saw the first cart collide into boxes of microwave popcorn.”

As more shoppers entered the aisle, Thomas said that some people tried to politely get their attention, but they were too busy discussing the details of Ashley’s upcoming family vacation to their timeshare in North Carolina’s Outer Banks.

The ensuing chaos caused more and more shopping carts to crash, pinning many under vast quantities of produce and canned goods.

“I thought I may have heard screams of anguish,” Ashley said, “but I just assumed it was coming from the Wkids babysitting area.”

Fortunately, Ashley and Dave were able to fully catch up as paramedics tended to the victims.

“I have never seen so much carnage in all my years,” one paramedic recalled, “it was difficult to separate the injured from the large Family Packs of ground beef.”

This comes just days after 3 shoppers were critically injured after being run over by an elderly woman gunning it out of frozen foods on her motor scooter. 

Car Thief Thanks Locals for Starting Cars and Leaving Them Unattended: “Nice to Steal a Warm Car”

Rochester, NY – It’s no secret that Rochesterians love a nice warm car in the morning. And while some of the well-to-do here in Monroe County may have automatic start systems in their car, several people are still warming up their vehicles the old fashioned way by turning the key and leaving their unlocked vehicles alone.

It’s for this reason that the Rochester Thieves Guild (RTG) has issued a new press release thanking locals. “There’s a common misconception that we hate stealing cars in the winter because it’s cold. On the contrary, we love it. All you dumb dumbs leave your cars unlocked, running, and warm” said the RTG’s Chairman.

“At least when you take candy from a baby, the baby puts up a little bit of a fight. You people are just giving cars away. It’s amazing!”

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