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Politician’s Decision To Solve Problem Met With Criticism For Not Solving All Other Problems

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Chuck Schumer, long time Senator of New York state known mostly for his copy and paste speeches at college graduation ceremonies, decided to go after the online ticket scalping industry and protect ticket buyers from cyber hackers, which has drawn the ire of locals who demand he focus on bigger issues like every other issue facing the state of New York.

“Of all the problems facing this country, and I mean every single one from the national debt, treatment of our veterans, jobs going overseas, and my wife leaving me, and this guy chooses to focus on something that doesn’t affect me personally? Thanks for nothing Senator Narcissist!” said Mark Bardino, a local who also enjoys getting mad at television shows he doesn’t have to watch in his free time.

“When hopeful concertgoers went online the day tickets were made available, they were told they needed a little more than a hungry heart to get tickets,” Schumer said Monday as he continued to ignore the growing poverty level in this country as well as not even once mentioning the attacks in Brussels and how he would stop ISIS.

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Fairport Musician Tries Marijuana Again After 30 years, ‘Totally Gets’ Sons Obsession with Jack Antinoff

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It was a regular day for Jack Denning, father and former lead singer in Rochester 80s punk band ‘The CaddiDaddis.’ He was tuning up is signature 1985 Fender Telecaster when he found a joint in his the case and decided to break his near 31 year T-break.

After much consideration, Jack tried to connect with his son by playing his favorite Bleachers album, ‘Strange Desire’.

“I just didn’t understand why people cared about all of his bands” Jack said referring to Antinoffs prominent musical pedigree. “They’re catchy and all, but that autotune stuff and over producing was a real draw back for me.”

Eleven minutes into Jacks ‘Bleachers and chill’ sesh,

‘I Wanna Get Better’ comes on the vinyl machine; and something magical happens.

“I had never thought to listen to them high before,” he said. “After the song ended I looked at my song in tears and said ‘You know what Travis,I totally get it now. I WANT to get better’.”

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Man Can’t Decide If He Should Have a Fifth Genny or Start A Bar Fight

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ROCHESTER, NY – Jared Pelkey sits at the bar of the Scotch House Pub and thoughtfully sips the remainder of his fourth Genesee beer. Jared has found himself here before, at this seemingly impossible decision. Two paths lie before him. On the one hand, Jared could order another Genny, his fifth, and continue to nurse his buzz. On the other, he could go start a fight with that guy that bumped into him by the jukebox earlier in the night.

We talked to Jared to see how he was handling the decision.

“It’s tough, ya know? Cuz like, this Genny’s about kicked and I sure do want another one, but that guy over by the jukebox was a total a-hole to me earlier,” Jared grits his teeth as he looks over at the man by the jukebox, a muscular man, large in stature. Even with Jared sitting, it is apparent his would-by foe is has quite an advantage of size. Also notable are they five or six men talking with him also notably larger than Jared. Jared does not seemed phased by the circumstances. “The bartender’s a buddy of mine, and I know he will have my back,” he says. The bartender, a man shorter and less muscular than even Jared hears this and shakes his head

“It’s a matter of principle, ya know? You don’t just bump into a guy like that and not say sorry. It is disrespectful on an unforgivable level,” Jared tips his Genny can fully vertical, taking in the last drops of the watery beer. Jared knows this is the moment of truth. It is now or never.

The man at the jukebox is now walking over to the bar. He comes to a stop, leaning on the counter directly next to Jared. Jared looks down at his empty can and up at the very tall, very physically capable target of his anger. He balls his fists and pushes his bar stool back, standing.

“Hey Paul, can I get another one when you get a second, “ Jared yells to the bartender before sitting back down.

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7 Reasons You’re Voting For Trump

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So you’re voting for Syracuse Orange mascot doppelganger Donald Trump, good for you! I personally disagree with your very bad decision but let’s talk about why you came to this incredibly awful conclusion.

  1. You have never taken responsibility for anything you’ve done wrong in your entire life! – What could you, protagonist of the universe, have possibly done to cause yourself any problems? Clearly you ended up in multiple failed marriages because food stamp recipients are using their funds on lobster and crack cocaine.
  2. Your dominant personality trait is being a racist – Whether it be comparing the president to a primate or using the term “towelhead” on a regular basis, you’re always prepared to make a group of people uncomfortable with your strong disdain for anyone who does not share your skin color. Friends know you as “that racist piece of shit who isn’t my friend.”
  3. You own a small dog – Trump has small hands, his fans love small dogs. Small dogs are often angry for no reason and their high pitched barking is similar to the noises heard at Trump rallies.
  4. You’re doing it as a joke – Ah it’s you, mister irony! Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we elected the guy capable of turning our country into a third world hell hole? Oh my god what funny satire! Voting for a hateful bigot with no plan and a boner for building walls is Louis CK levels of comedic gold there buddy!
  5. Someone offered you sex in exchange for a Trump vote – Listen I get it, you were horny and Tinder hasn’t been working out for you. You got weak. You called 1-800-F***-4-TRUMP. It’s up to you to make better decisions in 2020, if there is a 2020 after Donald triggers a nuclear apocalypse by calling Putin’s wife a fugly skank.
  6. You’ve been transferred here from an alternate reality where Donald Trump is a well spoken philanthropist whose fundraisers have raised millions to find cures for all major diseases – It must be very confusing to see the man you so revered being such an asshole. How can the guy who saved 1000 abused animals from being euthanized be such a monster? I don’t know, I would invest more time in finding a way back with Doc Brown.
  7. You’re Donald Trump – Why are you running? Ha ha okay you win we’re a bunch of dumbasses and we let the joke go too far. Please stop, we’re scared and we just want to be let out of the haunted house that is this election season. Please. Leave America alon
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Brockport student enjoys fruitful semester of date rape

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“I knew I’d be be getting with tons of chicks in college, but I didn’t know it would be this good!”Said Brad Brunswick, smiling from ear to ear as he sat at his desk organizing all of his Rohypnol into a neat pile.  “Atleast 3 of them were semi conscious.”

Brad has become a legend amongst his fraternity brothers at Phi Kappa Phi Phi Phi Kappa and a terrible memory that will never fade for over 30 female students, a new record for the fraternity.

“I swear that dude forcefully drags home a different girl every night, I’m so jealous!” Said one of his “brothers” who refused to be named for legal reason

Brunswick offered some advice for any college student out there who hasn’t had as much success as him.

“All it takes, is a good attitude, a little bit of charm, and a sociopathic disregard for the effect your actions have on others.”

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Rochester Locals Recovering from S.A.D. See Sun and Panic

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It’s true, the cold cold embrace of our yearly lake effect winter is drawing to it’s seasonal end, and with it many look forward to the end of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), which can cause severe depression in many.

However, the grey malaise that generally, generously, and genuinely blankets the Rochester sky was an other worldly blue today, with a terrible bright circle at it’s zenith. Many locals were awe struck by this tiny ball that made everything colorful but also hurt to look at, with many experts pointing to it and screaming the “F***” word as they ran through the streets.

“It’s not a single shade of murky grey today!” one man yelled at a dog, scratching furiously at his own eyes until they fell from their sockets, “GOD IS DEAD AND THE SKY HAS OPENED”

Meteorologists have stated that this terrible light ball that frowns at our decadence and makes the world more colorful is just a “Sun” and that the warm feeling that you get when its awful bright touches you is “Sunlight”. Since this proclamation was decreed, the mayor ordered every meteorologist rounded up and put into the Manhattan Square Park Pyre as a sacrifice to this new and awful god that has deemed us sinful.

With any luck, the grey, murky, swamp sky that we all know and love will return to us, so as to rid our airspace of this moving circle of light and anger.

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5 Spots To Take Your Tinder Date To Avoid Your Previous Tinder Dates

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So you’ve matched with someone you kinda sorta find mildly attractive in a weird way on Tinder, awesome!

But wait…where do you go? You’ve already been to every bar on Park Ave, Monroe Ave, and even that one time you thought Murphy’s Law might be okay (it wasn’t). So where do you take this woman you will surely never see again except on another date at one of those bars? The answer is the following 5 places, where you’ll never have to worry about running into a previous date:

  1. Wintonaire – Okay so this place is pretty divey, but it’s on the outskirts of the city and there’s barely anyone there ever because it’s terrible and the parking sucks. It’s pretty much an awful bar with no redeeming qualities but the same could be said about you mister serial dater, so just accept your fate and take your hopeless dates to somewhere that really reflects the true sadness that is meeting people online.

  2. Wintonaire (again) – Wait What? Wintonaire again? Yes. Just take the next date to Wintonaire too. Who gives a shit? It’s not going to go well, you’re still thinking about  why your ex left (it was probably the self hatred) and you don’t even know this chick’s name.

  3. Wintonaire – Listen man, this is your 3rd date in 3 days. This chick openly told you her family denies the holocaust. You don’t have to even try to get her to come back to your place. But you wanna get drunk and the drinks aren’t expensive here. Also you’re not even going to try to sleep with her because you just wanna go home and get high. Why’d you do this?

  4. Wintonaire – F*** it. 4 dates in 4 days. You have checked out completely. There’s no reason to even date anymore. Pretty sure this one is actually a drag queen. The Wintonaire bartenders now know you as “that guy who keeps coming in with different sadder women.” You go home after and don’t even have the energy to masturbate.

  5. Wintonaire – Tell your friends goodbye. Tell them you started online dating as a joke and somewhere along the line you became the punchline and now you’re on your 5th date in 5 days and you can’t even remember what liking someone feels like. You just want to feel anything. You just told this woman how exciting it would have been to die in 9/11. Order the pizza logs, eat them in front of your date while openly crying. Ask for a second date at the Wintonaire.

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5 Exciting Signs That We Are Getting a Blockbuster On Monroe Ave

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Rochester, NY- Well boys and girls, there is some news and it is good! All signs are pointing to the fact that on Monroe Ave. we may be getting a Blockbuster Video Store! The franchise may have seen some rough days since Netflix and Hulu took over the online streaming market, but here’s 5 signs that we’re definitely getting the one stop shop for all video rentals!

  1. There is a building with “Blockbuster” on it: Listen, it may sound obvious, but step #1 to opening a Blockbuster Video is to get a building and name it Blockbuster Video. With it’s amazing selection of movies old and new, it’s not hard to see that the new location will service anyone who still has a VHS or DVD player.
  2. The Amount of Stabbings in the Area have Plateaued: You can’t stab who you can’t find, amirite? Due to the massive surge in excitement of this new Blockbuster Video, everyone is most likely digging their old VHS decks and spending time sitting their kids down and hitting them for abandoning DVD’s, then going around Monroe Ave. stabbing each other.
  3. I think there aren’t any crack heads in that building any more?: It may just be because the building appears to look like it was on fire since 2002, and the Blockbuster Video letters are greasily and permanently scarred into the side of the building, but the inside looks pretty clean!
  4. My ex-girlfriend banned me from her Netflix account she let me use when we were together: Listen, the road of romance is a guess-and-check kind of journey, and it doesn’t always work out; like when that scum bitch Melissa dumped me for being too “emotionally negligent” and “refusing to take my anti-psychotics”. Anyway, the massive selection of Blockbuster Video will keep me warm and cozy while that awful scum hole of a woman re-thinks the mistake she made with her new boyfriend, Brian.
  5. The Monroe Ave. Location makes so much sense!: When planning out your locations, it really helps to be at one of the biggest intersecting streets in the Rochester area! That and it’s only a few blocks away from the apartment that Melissa and I shared before she betrayed me and decided that our love wasn’t “mutually felt” and that I was “neglecting to care for her emotionally and expecting her to support me both emotionally and financially”. Such a central location means that you can make multiple stops during a day long shopping run, like going to the Blockbuster so that you can walk by your ex-and-should-be-current-girlfriends house and not seem suspicious.

Listen, we all have our Demons, but I’m sure that this new Blockbuster will really improve the hustle and bustle in the Monroe Ave. area! VHS is making a comeback, and I will use this comeback to prove to that slippery bitch Melissa that I am not a “Man-Child” who “clings to the past”, but a strong-strong man who can definitely and without question  please her both emotionally and sexually.

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Local man awarded key to the city for suggesting garbage plates after night of binge drinking

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Rochester Mayor Lovely Warren presented Kevin Hannon with the key to the city for what is being called an act of heroism during a ceremony at 1 p.m. on Friday.

“That man saved my life.” said 22 year old Chad Dartmouth as he chain smoked cigarettes outside of his subsidized apartment building. “I don’t know if I would be here if not for what he did for me that night.”

Witnesses say that on March 14th, after what was touted as “the best night ever, I love you guys you are my best friends man, I love you.” by Hannons best friend Chris Snyder, Hannon suggested that the group visit Nick Tahous for garbage plates, to sober up so that they could drive home.

“I’m good to drive man, I just need to get some food in me, ya know.” said Hannon, in what Warren on Friday referred to as “a sign of what the residence of this City can do when faced with adversity.”

“It’s a huge honor, I’m glad to finally be recognized for what I truly am; a hero.” said Hannon, still hungover from the post-ceremony festivities.

No word yet on whether or not President Obama will fly in to Rochester to meet with Hannon.

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Upper Middle Class Pittsford Teen Begins Rap Career

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Joseph Redell, 16, has decided to become Pittsford’s newest rap sensation, sources say.

Stating his major inspiration was his “rough and tough” upbringing on the “mean streets” of Nature View, Pittsford, Redell, who now goes by his rap moniker “Lil’ EZ Ca$h”, has reportedly started to get heavily into Rap and Hip Hop music, so much so that he is himself to be come a rapper.

“It’s just like, a real n***a thing, you know?” the painfully caucasian EZ Ca$h stated.

To fund his debut album, EZ’s father, Randal Redell, has given him $6000 and purchased weeks worth of studio time for his “gangsta” son.

“I am a vassal to his whim,” Says Randal, “The boy controls my thoughts and my actions. He is my master, and I his tool. Whatever the boy desires I am to bend earth and shatter sky to please him”

When asked about him being a white, upper middle class, suburban, and only having listened to Limp Bizkit, Redell screamed “F**k Haters!” and made his father buy him a gold chain to “Rep his gang” with.

For his next career move EZ is thinking of buying a “hot glock” and “Maybe some Wu Tang CD’s, Ive heard those playa’s is ill”