In a tweet released early Wednesday morning Donald Trump has declared himself the first ever People Magazines Sexiest Time Magazines Person of the Year.
Controversy has surrounded the statement with many claiming that that doesn’t f***ing exist. Donald Trump was quoted saying “It’s real, look it up.”
Google results show no evidence of this award, although “news” outlet Brietbart published an article claiming that the deep state and the liberal-bias of “reality” and “facts” are behind the cover up to slander President Trump and discredit his perfectly legitimate achievement.
“The President is very, very sexy, I assure you. Tremendously sexy, the best sexy, truly phenomenal. ” said a source from the White House who chose to remain anonymous.
“I give up” said Rochester Man Hyun-Joo Suk. “To say the weather this month has been bi-polar would be an insult to actual bi-polar people who are more predictable.”
Mr. Suk is amongst the many Rochesterians baffled by the recent ups-and-downs of weather. “I gave up trying to dress according to the forecast since everything changes in an instant. Instead I am just dressing for all occasions at once.”
Suk’s February Rochester Wardrobe consists of a winter coat and hat that he says helps to keep his top bits warm when Mother Nature decides to randomly send 7 inches of snow down seconds after everyone was enjoying the 60° day. “The speedo is just in case I get invited to a pool party or we get a flood out of nowhere” said Suk.
STORY UPDATE: The Inner Loop has reached out to Mother Nature about her drastic environmental shifts and received this message:
I know that A Day Without a Woman is not until March 8th but I wanted to give you all a
taste of what Weather Without This Woman would be like. You enjoying it? I didn’t think
- Really? The “Grab Her By The Pussy” Guy? That’s who you want in charge? Cool. Well hope you don’t mind Tsunami Blizzards or f***ing Sharknados. Mother Nature. OUT!
Rochester, NY- Tensions are high as our new president Donald Trump, within his very first week, has incited more chaos than when the Phantom Menace was released and we all started to slowly realize it was actually a really bad movie. This is no movie, this is real life and every day it seems as if Donald Trump aims to keep upping the shock factor. Just two days ago he signed an executive order to ban people from seven majority Muslim countries from entering our own. While Donald Trump may think he has “logical” reasons for this ban, we here at the Inner Loop believe that there are much more significant things he could have banned instead of Muslims.
- My Ex-Wife-I mean seriously, this one is a no brainer. She’s a horrible human being who destroyed my heart and took my dog with her as well. If anyone deserves to be banned into the outer circles of hell, it is this woman. Also, side-note, she could have totally been a terrorist. I’m not trying to be judgmental, but she was a big fan of Indian food, suspicious? You betcha.
- Toaster Strudel- What the f*** is this thing? It’s not a pop tart, which has clearly cornered the market on chemically induced breakfast foods. Plus you have to drizzle your own f***ing frosting on it? Nonsense, this thing is setting our country to terror code red in my opinion.
- Nicolas Cage– Nicolas Cage at one point was considered an A list actor. Not anymore, so why do I have scroll through my Netflix browser and see his horribly depressing straight to DVD movies? Super un-American and it just kind of kills my vibe. We can remember Nicolas Cage during the days of “Face-off” and yes even “National Treasure”, his time has passed and we need to let him die.
- Commercials on Hulu- This is an atrocity to the American Spirit, you’re telling me that I have to pay $9.99 a month for this shit and I still get commercials?! Then I have to pay an extra five bucks a month for a commercial free Hulu? Terrorism at its finest, people. Open your eyes.
- Himself- Yup, Donald Trump should ban himself for being the most ignorant, hate mongering, pathetic loser this country has ever voted into office. He represents everything wrong with the government and humanity itself. I hope this guy has a Willy Wonka elevator in his office and just gets in one day and ejects himself into the f***ing sun.
“The Inner Loop is a non-biased association”
Rochester, NY- A surprising turn of events has now seen Donald Trump’s political machine having to slow its tour because of a scheduling conflict.
The Rochester Tech Park was already booked for the national meeting of the NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association), a group that advocates for pedophiles and child molesters.
Talks were heated Saturday when Trump’s campaign argued that their needs were greater, and that the campaign had had the reservation for nearly a week. The boy touchers merely grunted at this and started staring at nearby children.
After a busy Saturday of discussion over who would eventually use the Tech Park, they came to an agreement that both could use it at the same time.
Katrina Pierson, Trump’s campaign spokesperson, publicly announced that “Trump supporters and registered child molesters have much in common, and will be able to share the space with relative ease, since there was already so much cross-pollination between groups.”
Donald Trump refused to comment because he was too busy eating farts.
Both rallies are happening today at the Rochester Tech Park and will be followed by a private Q&A press conference for Trump with local news teams, and the NAMBLA “Boy Wranglin'” event, in which NAMBLA members invite their fellow Trump supporters to help them round up all of the little boys in the area.