Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”
The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.
“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.
Rochester,NY- Brendan Stanz just graduated from MCC and is looking forward to using his liberal arts degree for everything its worth. He sat down at his local coffee-house and wrote out his five-year plan, he’s been waiting for this day his entire life. We were able to get an exclusive interview with Brendan, this is what he had to say about his life.
” I can’t believe I made it this far, I’m so excited. I’ll be the hundredth person or so in family to acquire a liberal arts degree, it’s nice to keep mediocrity running in the family. I figured for the first three years after college, I can get a job at a local Starbucks, spend most of my nights getting high and having emotionless sex with some of my co-workers. From that point on I’ll dive into a deep depression realizing I have no drive and my education was a waste. Then I figure around the fourth of fifth year, my dad will keep sending my job links to paychex, I’ll cave in eventually and stop smoking pot, get a steady 9- 5 while slowly watching my dreams fade away! Super excited!”
Rochester,NY- It was just a normal Thursday afternoon for Sandra Butterscotch when she stumbled upon the experience of a lifetime. “It was amazing, I almost can’t describe it. I just locked eyes with myself and snapped the shot. I couldn’t believe how perfect the lighting and the angle was. I just wanted to share it with the world.” She recalled telling us the tale. “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal until I started getting more likes on the post than I had friends. It was like whoa, something big is happening here.”
Sandra has since moved to the mountains of Eastern Asia to teach her ways. This is where we met with her to discuss the events. “It was right around ten million likes that I realized, that we are all connected and that the self is just an illusion. There is so much more to consciousness than just what our six senses allow us to perceive in this one physical reality.” She goes on. “But I’d say the number one key to ALL of this, is probably the Valencia filter type.
Rochester,NY- Devin Baxter knew he always wanted to be a cop. He remembers playing cops and robbers with his friends during sleepovers and just thinking to himself, how great it’s going to be when one day he finally gets to chase down the bad guys. Fast forward to twenty years later and Devin is finally living his dream. Yet, his new assignment has been one of his toughest jobs in recent years. He’s been assigned to the east ave Wegmans parking lot for the past six months. We spoke with Devin to see how this job has affected his mental health and his life.
” I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit in my line of work, but I really don’t think anything would’ve prepared me for this job. I’ve seen people run over old women, parking spaces covered with cans of Wegmans tomato sauce. Racial slurs being tossed back and forth by drivers. You want to see humanity at its worst, come down to east ave wegmans parking lot. These people dont care about anything except a dinner served with fresh avocados. I tell my kids every night to avoid this place, you have to keep your children safe at the end of the day.”
1. Huge voter turnouts for the 89th district’s new comptroller. People from all over the community came out in droves yesterday to participate in democracy. It was a beautiful sight, almost as beautiful as the play I put on that none of my friends came to see. I’m not mad and if anything it’s their loss. But nevertheless it was a wonderful day for the 89th district and I for one hope there is many more.
2. There were Oil spills from many pipelines last week, leaving many Americans concerned. Hmmm that’s interesting because I was concerned when it was 5 minutes to show time and the theatre space I’d rented was almost empty! Where are all my friends who said they’d be here? I asked myself. But was found to be let down once again, just like how America was let down by these spills.
3. Protest turned violent. The university of Berkeley, which is a hotspot for political unrest, Erupted in a violent clash between ideologies last week. Kind of like how my ideology of what makes a friend a friend clashed with the cold horror of nobody showing up to support my play last night. And it’s like, just tell me you’re not gonna go if you’re not gonna go. Like don’t lie to my face about it.
4. No! You know what I’m sick of being passive about this. You are all giant pieces of human trash! I’ve been talking about this play for weeks and have been writing it for YEARS! That’s it I’m doing it for real this time, I’m going to kill myself. I’m not bluffing this time. I might have been bluffing the other 16 times but no, I’ve had enough. And it’s all your fault! All of you!! I will be mentioning each one of you by name in my suicide note so the whole world knows what you did! I hope it haunts you forever and prevents you from sleeping at night you pieces of sub human garbage!!!!
5. The lilac festival is wrapping up and these local puppers couldn’t be happier 
Rochester,NY- Brian Little could not wait for Cinco De Mayo, his bros and him have a reservation at Selenas and can’t wait to sink their face into some tequila shots and sexually harass every girl within a twenty-mile radius. Yet, Brian also realizes that this is a very important day to the hispanic culture and doesn’t want to offend anyone, so Brian is making it a priority to wish a “Happy Cinco De Mayo” to any vaguely brown person who walks by him. We spoke with Brian to see how his act of kindness is going.
” You know, I just really want to give back to the Mexicans, Puerto ricans or whatever they are today, I know they fought hard in the civil war and really deserve this day in their honor. Also, they brought tequila into this country and nothing has gotten me laid more than tequila. I don’t really know how I can ever give back to these great people and their amazing island that they live on. Honestly, I know 9-11 was bad, but we really need to stop being so harsh towards these guys. They’re not all terrorist yah know? Happy Columbus day everyone!”
At this point Brian began to scream sexual innuendo to a girl across the bar and vomited all over himself.
Rochester N.Y. – The people of Rochester have lived in the shadow of a vicious hell beast for too long. For years, the tyranny of Time Warner Cable has imprisoned us and a dark cloud of fear and hate has covered the city. But no longer will we live in terror, for it is a new day. Spectrum Cable President and CEO, Tom Rutledge, has vanquished the Time Warner Cable Demon.
Armed with only his mighty sword Dáinsleif, the lost sword of King Högni, and his own strength and determination, Rutledge stormed the castle walls to the lair of the beast. Determined to cast Time Warner Cable back to the bowels of hell from whence it came, Rutledge the Mighty fought tooth and nail to bring peace to Upstate New York. The battle raged on, some say for days, others for weeks. In the chaos of the fight, Rutledge raised his mighty sword high above his head; a bolt of lightning struck the blade. In one fell swoop, Rutledge thrust his sword through the heart of the beast. Its villainous core erupted with black smoke and the Time Warner Cable Demon wailed in agony as its ashen blood poured from its unhealable wound.
“Back, back to hell you go, I command it!” bellowed Tom, “you’ll do know more evil here, set your customers free from the curse of your unfair rates and insane contract stipulations!!!” And with speed of Spectrum’s lightning quick internet, Rutledge swung his sword one last time, lopping the head of the beast completely off of his body. It was done, the fiery clouds cleared, beams of sunshine broke through. The murky, grim waters of the Genesee ran crystal clear once again and at last, Time Warner Cable had fallen. Our hero, Tom Rutledge, President and CEO of Spectrum Cable, hobbled his way to the town square to meet the people waiting for him and in triumph, raised the head of the demon high in the air and yelled, “IT’S A NEW DAY!”
As we all know, Rochester is an awesome little city with an ever-growing list of new and exciting things to do, see, eat, hear, and experience! But if you’ve lived here for a long time, you may be getting tired of doing the same old same old; going to the same bars, museums, and venues over and over again. That’s why we at The Inner Loop have compiled a list of 7 thrilling new activities to keep you entertained this summer in The Flower City! So hold onto your long boards, jorts, and ironic tattoos and get ready for the best summer of your lives!
If there is anything you’ve learned about the bustling metropolis of Rochester, it’s that there is no shortage of restaurants serving brunch on the weekends. But if you’ve been in town a while, you’ve likely been to all of the good ones more times than you can count. And we know places like James Brown’s will be amazing no matter what, but why not spice it up by getting really f***ing high in the parking lot before you head in! It won’t make the food any better or worse, but it will make your 10 hour wait for a table that much more tolerable!
The Little Theater is a staple in Rochester entertainment, showing indie and foreign films in a cozy community theater full of local art and music. What better way to pay tribute to this iconic spot than to hit Paul’s bong and try to follow the plot of an Oscar-nominated French film! If we’re being honest, you probably wouldn’t have understood the movie anyway. The fact that you’re coughing, saying “what?”, and repeatedly asking if the movie is in French won’t be too wildly different from your sober experiences there, anyway.
We know, this one is a cliché! People have been smoking blunts and going to the planetarium since Laser Floyd in the 80s. But you just can’t beat this timeless stoner activity! Head to the planetarium, light up a fat blunt, enjoy learning about the stars, and subsequently freak out about how big space is. I mean, there’s gotta be aliens out there, right? What if they were high now, too? And talking about us????? Omg this is too much. I think I need to leave.
If the past few summers have been any indication, we can expect the upcoming months to bring in some blistering heat waves. Corbett’s Glen is a crowd-favorite spot to beat the heat! Follow the twists and turns of the stream and you’re likely to find a nice, secluded spot to sit in the water and smoke a bowl in nature, the way God intended! It is this author’s opinion that the water feels much better when you’re a bowl and a half deep.
A word of caution: this activity is not for the faint of heart. Doing dabs and being in a cemetery can be frightening on their own, but combined these activities become downright terrifying. This outing will prove to be a nonstop thrill ride that begins with you wondering if this is a good idea, and ends with you vomiting near Susan B. Anthony’s final resting place. But the fun doesn’t have to stop there! Why not head over to see Frederick Douglass’s grave and question your own reality! The possibilities are endless!
*Notice we said to eat an edible for this activity. Since there will likely be children at The Strong Museum, it is very important that you do not smell like weed.*
This activity is perfect for those of us that long to let their inner child run free. So buckle up, partner! You’re about to get uncomfortably high and cry about how beautify the butterflies are, and oh my god! One just landed on your arm! It’s okay to cry, friend. We’ve all been there.
7. Go to Wegmans.
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First couples were banging out of boredom when the Wind Storm last week knocked out their power and WiFi. Now Rochester couples will be totally boning for warmth during Winter Storm Stella and Rochester General Hospital is getting ready to deal with the upcoming blizzard mistakes.
“December is going to be a crazy month for us” says Chief Labor & Delivery Nurse Sandra Barthmal. “We are going to need a lot of staff to help out with the influx of babies made from all the ‘Netlfix-and-trying-to-stay-keep-from-chilling’ going on during this storm.”
One of the recent hires Tom Ranstock told The Inner Loop: “I have no formal health service experience but I was a lifeguard when I was 16. Plus, I have been studying that giraffe at that one zoo that is ready to poop out the baby giraffe on Facebook Live so I think I am good to go.”
“So yeah Tom isn’t the cream of the crop or anything but we need bodies, to help us pull bodies, out of other bodies” says Nurse Barthmal. “We are installing five-tier bunk beds in our nursery and are installing hamster like feed-tubes because there is no way we are going to be able to hand feed these demons.”
“I give up” said Rochester Man Hyun-Joo Suk. “To say the weather this month has been bi-polar would be an insult to actual bi-polar people who are more predictable.”
Mr. Suk is amongst the many Rochesterians baffled by the recent ups-and-downs of weather. “I gave up trying to dress according to the forecast since everything changes in an instant. Instead I am just dressing for all occasions at once.”
Suk’s February Rochester Wardrobe consists of a winter coat and hat that he says helps to keep his top bits warm when Mother Nature decides to randomly send 7 inches of snow down seconds after everyone was enjoying the 60° day. “The speedo is just in case I get invited to a pool party or we get a flood out of nowhere” said Suk.
STORY UPDATE: The Inner Loop has reached out to Mother Nature about her drastic environmental shifts and received this message:
I know that A Day Without a Woman is not until March 8th but I wanted to give you all a
taste of what Weather Without This Woman would be like. You enjoying it? I didn’t think
