Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”
The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.
“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.
As we all know, Rochester is an awesome little city with an ever-growing list of new and exciting things to do, see, eat, hear, and experience! But if you’ve lived here for a long time, you may be getting tired of doing the same old same old; going to the same bars, museums, and venues over and over again. That’s why we at The Inner Loop have compiled a list of 7 thrilling new activities to keep you entertained this summer in The Flower City! So hold onto your long boards, jorts, and ironic tattoos and get ready for the best summer of your lives!
If there is anything you’ve learned about the bustling metropolis of Rochester, it’s that there is no shortage of restaurants serving brunch on the weekends. But if you’ve been in town a while, you’ve likely been to all of the good ones more times than you can count. And we know places like James Brown’s will be amazing no matter what, but why not spice it up by getting really f***ing high in the parking lot before you head in! It won’t make the food any better or worse, but it will make your 10 hour wait for a table that much more tolerable!
The Little Theater is a staple in Rochester entertainment, showing indie and foreign films in a cozy community theater full of local art and music. What better way to pay tribute to this iconic spot than to hit Paul’s bong and try to follow the plot of an Oscar-nominated French film! If we’re being honest, you probably wouldn’t have understood the movie anyway. The fact that you’re coughing, saying “what?”, and repeatedly asking if the movie is in French won’t be too wildly different from your sober experiences there, anyway.
We know, this one is a cliché! People have been smoking blunts and going to the planetarium since Laser Floyd in the 80s. But you just can’t beat this timeless stoner activity! Head to the planetarium, light up a fat blunt, enjoy learning about the stars, and subsequently freak out about how big space is. I mean, there’s gotta be aliens out there, right? What if they were high now, too? And talking about us????? Omg this is too much. I think I need to leave.
If the past few summers have been any indication, we can expect the upcoming months to bring in some blistering heat waves. Corbett’s Glen is a crowd-favorite spot to beat the heat! Follow the twists and turns of the stream and you’re likely to find a nice, secluded spot to sit in the water and smoke a bowl in nature, the way God intended! It is this author’s opinion that the water feels much better when you’re a bowl and a half deep.
A word of caution: this activity is not for the faint of heart. Doing dabs and being in a cemetery can be frightening on their own, but combined these activities become downright terrifying. This outing will prove to be a nonstop thrill ride that begins with you wondering if this is a good idea, and ends with you vomiting near Susan B. Anthony’s final resting place. But the fun doesn’t have to stop there! Why not head over to see Frederick Douglass’s grave and question your own reality! The possibilities are endless!
*Notice we said to eat an edible for this activity. Since there will likely be children at The Strong Museum, it is very important that you do not smell like weed.*
This activity is perfect for those of us that long to let their inner child run free. So buckle up, partner! You’re about to get uncomfortably high and cry about how beautify the butterflies are, and oh my god! One just landed on your arm! It’s okay to cry, friend. We’ve all been there.
7. Go to Wegmans.
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First couples were banging out of boredom when the Wind Storm last week knocked out their power and WiFi. Now Rochester couples will be totally boning for warmth during Winter Storm Stella and Rochester General Hospital is getting ready to deal with the upcoming blizzard mistakes.
“December is going to be a crazy month for us” says Chief Labor & Delivery Nurse Sandra Barthmal. “We are going to need a lot of staff to help out with the influx of babies made from all the ‘Netlfix-and-trying-to-stay-keep-from-chilling’ going on during this storm.”
One of the recent hires Tom Ranstock told The Inner Loop: “I have no formal health service experience but I was a lifeguard when I was 16. Plus, I have been studying that giraffe at that one zoo that is ready to poop out the baby giraffe on Facebook Live so I think I am good to go.”
“So yeah Tom isn’t the cream of the crop or anything but we need bodies, to help us pull bodies, out of other bodies” says Nurse Barthmal. “We are installing five-tier bunk beds in our nursery and are installing hamster like feed-tubes because there is no way we are going to be able to hand feed these demons.”
“I give up” said Rochester Man Hyun-Joo Suk. “To say the weather this month has been bi-polar would be an insult to actual bi-polar people who are more predictable.”
Mr. Suk is amongst the many Rochesterians baffled by the recent ups-and-downs of weather. “I gave up trying to dress according to the forecast since everything changes in an instant. Instead I am just dressing for all occasions at once.”
Suk’s February Rochester Wardrobe consists of a winter coat and hat that he says helps to keep his top bits warm when Mother Nature decides to randomly send 7 inches of snow down seconds after everyone was enjoying the 60° day. “The speedo is just in case I get invited to a pool party or we get a flood out of nowhere” said Suk.
STORY UPDATE: The Inner Loop has reached out to Mother Nature about her drastic environmental shifts and received this message:
I know that A Day Without a Woman is not until March 8th but I wanted to give you all a
taste of what Weather Without This Woman would be like. You enjoying it? I didn’t think
