Tag Archives: funny

“These liberals are snowflakes!” Says man terrified of cashier with vaguely muslim sounding name.

Rochester, NY- “Back in my day, we weren’t afraid of nothin’. Kids these days are just little precious snowflakes.” Said John Henson, as his beef jerky stick trembled in his hand as he waited in line to approach the cashier who looked “like some kinda Pakistani”

“These libtards will never make it in the real world, they need to suck it up and just deal with it.” The words stuttered out of his mouth, sweat beginning to slowly trickle down his cheek. He was next in line.

As the cashier finished with the customer and it was John’s turn in line, he dropped his Teriyaki Jerky and quickly exited the store.

“I’ll…I’ll just go pick some up at the Tops down the street, I like the overall lay out of that store better anyway, a good use of space, very safe.”

5 Residents Dead After Mistaking Food Truck Rodeo For Actual Rodeo

Rochester, NY-  Tragedy struck Wednesday as a group of residents mistook the Food Truck Rodeo for an actual rodeo.  Five have died, and dozens more were injured when several patrons began climbing the food trucks, attempting to lasso other visitors, and waving 10 gallon hats around.  Some residents even acted as rodeo clowns.  Luckily, those individuals were immediately struck and killed by the runaway trucks.

Aside from the clowns (who will not be named so as to spare their families from further embarrassment), two local artists were among the casualties:  Wren Staar and Felix Rolins.  The leader of their art collective, Onyx, was present at the scene and assured The Inner Loop that the two’s passing was incredibly peaceful.  “It just seemed so natural, you know?  So serene.”  recalled Onyx.  ”  I wish I could have been a part of it, actually.  Could you imagine going out like that?  It was seriously one of the best performance art pieces I’ve ever seen!”

A candle lit vigil will be held on Saturday in remembrance of all who were lost.  The Food Truck Rodeo will return to The Public Market as soon as all the blood has been entirely removed from the wheel wells of the vehicles.

With summer in full swing, man looks forward to having seagull s*** on his car every day

Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”

The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.

“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.

Suspicions confirmed: Commuter learns traffic has been “fricken kidding” him all along.

Rochester,NY- After years of suspicion, Rochester native Hugo Johnson finally learned that the traffic on 490 east had truly being f***ing kidding him this whole time.

“I felt vindicated, to be quite honest.” Said Johnson as he weaved in and out of lanes in a fruitless attempt to move his car slightly closer to exit 19 in gridlocked traffic.

“I remember when I was a kid and I first took the highway, the traffic was awful and all I could think was….you’ve gotta be f***ing kidding me?”

“To know that I was right all along almost makes it worth it.”

We had planned to interview Mr.Johnson longer but in the midst of our interview he exited his vehicle and started a physical altercation with a car behind him who had honked when he dangerously cut them off going 73 mph.

7 Summer Activities for Rochester Natives

As we all know, Rochester is an awesome little city with an ever-growing list of new and exciting things to do, see, eat, hear, and experience!  But if you’ve lived here for a long time, you may be getting tired of doing the same old same old; going to the same bars, museums, and venues over and over again.  That’s why we at The Inner Loop have compiled a list of 7 thrilling new activities to keep you entertained this summer in The Flower City!  So hold onto your long boards, jorts, and ironic tattoos and get ready for the best summer of your lives!

1.  Smoke a joint before you go out to brunch!

If there is anything you’ve learned about the bustling metropolis of Rochester, it’s that there is no shortage of restaurants serving brunch on the weekends.  But if you’ve been in town a while, you’ve likely been to all of the good ones more times than you can count.  And we know places like James Brown’s will be amazing no matter what, but why not spice it up by getting really f***ing high in the parking lot before you head in!  It won’t make the food any better or worse, but it will make your 10 hour wait for a table that much more tolerable!

2.  Hit your friend Paul’s bong and go see a movie at The Little Theater!

The Little Theater is a staple in Rochester entertainment, showing indie and foreign films in a cozy community theater full of local art and music.  What better way to pay tribute to this iconic spot than to hit Paul’s bong and try to follow the plot of an Oscar-nominated French film!  If we’re being honest, you probably wouldn’t have understood the movie anyway.  The fact that you’re coughing, saying “what?”, and repeatedly asking if the movie is in French won’t be too wildly different from your sober experiences there, anyway.

3.  Roll a blunt and see a show at the planetarium!

We know, this one is a cliché!  People have been smoking blunts and going to the planetarium since Laser Floyd in the 80s.  But you just can’t beat this timeless stoner activity!  Head to the planetarium, light up a fat blunt, enjoy learning about the stars, and subsequently freak out about how big space is.  I mean, there’s gotta be aliens out there, right?  What if they were high now, too?  And talking about us?????  Omg this is too much.  I think I need to leave.

4.  Bring your bowl with you for a hike in Corbett’s Glen!

If the past few summers have been any indication, we can expect the upcoming months to bring in some blistering heat waves.  Corbett’s Glen is a crowd-favorite spot to beat the heat!  Follow the twists and turns of the stream and you’re likely to find a nice, secluded spot to sit in the water and smoke a bowl in nature, the way God intended!  It is this author’s opinion that the water feels much better when you’re a bowl and a half deep.

5.  Do a dab and check out Mt. Hope Cemetery!

A word of caution: this activity is not for the faint of heart.  Doing dabs and being in a cemetery can be frightening on their own, but combined these activities become downright terrifying.  This outing will prove to be a nonstop thrill ride that begins with you wondering if this is a good idea, and ends with you vomiting near Susan B. Anthony’s final resting place.  But the fun doesn’t have to stop there!  Why not head over to see Frederick Douglass’s grave and question your own reality!  The possibilities are endless!

6.  Eat a pot brownie and go to The Strong Museum of Play!

*Notice we said to eat an edible for this activity.  Since there will likely be children at The Strong Museum, it is very important that you do not smell like weed.*

This activity is perfect for those of us that long to let their inner child run free.  So buckle up, partner!  You’re about to get uncomfortably high and cry about how beautify the butterflies are, and oh my god!  One just landed on your arm!  It’s okay to cry, friend.  We’ve all been there.

7.  Go to Wegmans.

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RGH Maternity Ward Hiring Basically Anyone Prepping For Baby Boom 9 Months From Now

 

First couples were banging out of boredom when the Wind Storm last week knocked out their power and WiFi. Now Rochester couples will be totally boning for warmth during Winter Storm Stella and Rochester General Hospital is getting ready to deal with the upcoming blizzard mistakes.

 

“December is going to be a crazy month for us” says Chief Labor & Delivery Nurse Sandra Barthmal. “We are going to need a lot of staff to help out with the influx of babies made from all the ‘Netlfix-and-trying-to-stay-keep-from-chilling’ going on during this storm.”

 

One of the recent hires Tom Ranstock told The Inner Loop: “I have no formal health service experience but I was a lifeguard when I was 16. Plus, I have been studying that giraffe at that one zoo that is ready to poop out the baby giraffe on Facebook Live so I think I am good to go.”

 

“So yeah Tom isn’t the cream of the crop or anything but we need bodies, to help us pull bodies, out of other bodies” says Nurse Barthmal. “We are installing five-tier bunk beds in our nursery and are installing hamster like feed-tubes because there is no way we are going to be able to hand feed these demons.”

Rochester Continues Tradition of Buying-Out Super Parishable Food Before Storm

“As soon as I heard there was a Winter Storm Warning I ran to Wegmans to stock up on food for the storm” says Jesse Miles of Webster. “Luckily, I have my emergency grocery list that has been passed down from generation to generation.”

 

His list includes all of the things Rochesterians buy-out first during storm warnings: Milk, Bread, and anything else that has a week long shelf like.

 

When asked why he thinks 585ers buy things that expire quickly Mr. Miles responded “we arn’t doomsday-preppers, and honestly, i’m a realist. If a true apocalyptic type storm hits, that bread is outliving my fatass.”

 

The Inner Loop reached out to the Dairy Lobby for their comments on recent conspiracy theories that say “the reason everyone buys milk before a storm is because of Big Milk in Washington!” In response, the Dairy Lobby sent The Inner Loop a bucket of 1% milk with a note saying “dig any deeper and we’ll milk your whole family.”

Rochester Votes Dan Edwards as City’s Official Step Dad

Rochester, NY-The Mayor has announced today that the city of Rochester has finally made the decision on who would be the city’s first stepdad. At first, many of the cities various used car dealers stood out among the crowd. But only one won the hearts and minds of their step-child city.

Rochester, meet your new step-dad: Dan Edwards

Dan Edwards of the Vision Automotive group was selected out of thousands of individuals for his passions, his determination, and the fact that we could totally see him giving us the finger guns after plowing our mom.

Other strong contenders were Dick Ide of the Dick Ide Honda group, who told the judges about his motorcycle and how he was in a gang “back in the old days”, and Billy Fuccillo, of Fuccillo Automotive Group, who gave the judges some of his vintage skin mags and took them to an R-rated movie.

But it was Dan Edwards who really wowed the crowds. After he showed off his vintage Les Paul guitar, he shredded out to REO Speedwagon’s “Can’t Fight this Feeling” even though the amp wasn’t working. Then let the judges have some of his beer,

“Don’t worry,” He said, guitar still just barely plugged into the amp, “I won’t tell your mom.”

Dan Edwards is now an immortal symbol of hitting on your step son’s prom date, teaching us how to “really lay the love on a woman”, and selling used cars. His Bon Jovi good looks and use of the word “Bangin'” when referring to your mom is exactly what Rochester needed in it’s official step-dad.

Thank you, Dan Edwards, for proudly serving your city.