Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”
The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.
“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.
As we all know, Rochester is an awesome little city with an ever-growing list of new and exciting things to do, see, eat, hear, and experience! But if you’ve lived here for a long time, you may be getting tired of doing the same old same old; going to the same bars, museums, and venues over and over again. That’s why we at The Inner Loop have compiled a list of 7 thrilling new activities to keep you entertained this summer in The Flower City! So hold onto your long boards, jorts, and ironic tattoos and get ready for the best summer of your lives!
If there is anything you’ve learned about the bustling metropolis of Rochester, it’s that there is no shortage of restaurants serving brunch on the weekends. But if you’ve been in town a while, you’ve likely been to all of the good ones more times than you can count. And we know places like James Brown’s will be amazing no matter what, but why not spice it up by getting really f***ing high in the parking lot before you head in! It won’t make the food any better or worse, but it will make your 10 hour wait for a table that much more tolerable!
The Little Theater is a staple in Rochester entertainment, showing indie and foreign films in a cozy community theater full of local art and music. What better way to pay tribute to this iconic spot than to hit Paul’s bong and try to follow the plot of an Oscar-nominated French film! If we’re being honest, you probably wouldn’t have understood the movie anyway. The fact that you’re coughing, saying “what?”, and repeatedly asking if the movie is in French won’t be too wildly different from your sober experiences there, anyway.
We know, this one is a cliché! People have been smoking blunts and going to the planetarium since Laser Floyd in the 80s. But you just can’t beat this timeless stoner activity! Head to the planetarium, light up a fat blunt, enjoy learning about the stars, and subsequently freak out about how big space is. I mean, there’s gotta be aliens out there, right? What if they were high now, too? And talking about us????? Omg this is too much. I think I need to leave.
If the past few summers have been any indication, we can expect the upcoming months to bring in some blistering heat waves. Corbett’s Glen is a crowd-favorite spot to beat the heat! Follow the twists and turns of the stream and you’re likely to find a nice, secluded spot to sit in the water and smoke a bowl in nature, the way God intended! It is this author’s opinion that the water feels much better when you’re a bowl and a half deep.
A word of caution: this activity is not for the faint of heart. Doing dabs and being in a cemetery can be frightening on their own, but combined these activities become downright terrifying. This outing will prove to be a nonstop thrill ride that begins with you wondering if this is a good idea, and ends with you vomiting near Susan B. Anthony’s final resting place. But the fun doesn’t have to stop there! Why not head over to see Frederick Douglass’s grave and question your own reality! The possibilities are endless!
*Notice we said to eat an edible for this activity. Since there will likely be children at The Strong Museum, it is very important that you do not smell like weed.*
This activity is perfect for those of us that long to let their inner child run free. So buckle up, partner! You’re about to get uncomfortably high and cry about how beautify the butterflies are, and oh my god! One just landed on your arm! It’s okay to cry, friend. We’ve all been there.
7. Go to Wegmans.
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WILLIAMSON, NY – A favorite of the Williamson Haunted Hayride, the Leatherface Chainsaw Guy, quit this week stating “I want to leave this world a better place for future little leatherfaces.”
Leatherface (aka Scary Chainsaw Man) just cannot live with the guilt anymore knowing that as he pretends to cut teenagers into pieces, he is really cutting a gapping wide oozing wound into Mother Nature.
“Dick Chaney (nickname for his chainsaw) is a powerful tool and can’t continue to ignore that it’s unregulated two-stroke engine isn’t doing damage to our planet” says Leatherface (aka “That Guy With The Chainsaw”).
“I have spoken with COCKU (Chainsaw Operating Crazy Killer Union) about making solar-powered electric chainsaw’s the standard in our business but my pleas have fallen on deaf, leather-covered, and often rotten ears.”
The hayride will continue through October but could face a boycott from the Green Party leaning zombies claiming that their make-up includes toxins as well as palm oil which encourages the deforestation of South America and extinction of the Orangutans. Said one zombie “BRAINS!!!!!! Let’s start using them to come up with healthy alternatives for the future of our planet!”
Los Angeles – Well, It’s certainly been a jaw dropping decade of highlighted cinema innovation. Everything from the Fantastic 4 reboot to the Jungle Book and Ghostbusters reboots have captured audiences the same way the original movies did and with only half the effort. Hollywood never ceases to amaze audiences when it comes to taking 30 year old ideas and adding egregious and grandiose amounts CGI and calling them artistic re-imaginings.
We spoke with Paramount Pictures Executive Hunter Fredsberry as he described the creative process that artists have been using to make the perfect 2010s reboot of something that should’ve just been left alone.
“Beneath every great artist’s desk or sitting on their favorite chair is a small hole where ideas come from. Some of the holes are grand and shallow, others are narrow, yet deep. Often when we are rebooting something that should’ve just been left alone, we come across ideas from the hole that make everyone in the office say ‘But, what if we did this’. So naturally, every artist likes to refer to these magical idea holes as our butt holes.”
Fredsberry went on to describe just how monumental his butt hole has been lately in the film industry.
“Such amazing ideas have come out of my butt hole these last few years, and I have to share them with the world. Even if they’re for movies that we don’t have the rights to! When I heard about Jon Favreau’s Jungle Book, my butt hole was puckering out ideas left and right! You know that scene where Baloo and Bagheera fight off like 300 monkeys? Yeah. That came straight from my butt hole.”
Mr. Fredsberry then went on to describe the new ideas that have been recently coming out of his butt hole. He calls them ‘original ideas’.
“To be honest, I wasn’t sure if my butt hole was broken or not. I even had some of the other executives come over and look at my butt hole to see if anything was wrong. These new ideas that came out of my butt hole were things that no one had ever pulled from their butt hole before! Things like, talking dogs, but also with hats! Or having a movie with more practical affects than CGI! My butt hole even gave me the idea to make a funny Tyler Perry movie instead of another culturally blind shock comedy! Everyone in the office was blown away!”
With production already underway and Hunter Fredsberry’s butt hole raw from innovation, it looks like 2017 is going to be another exciting year of cinema magic. Stay on the look out for the Fall 2017 release of Tyler Perry’s : Medeas Big Butt Hole.
