Tag Archives: Sad

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“These liberals are snowflakes!” Says man terrified of cashier with vaguely muslim sounding name.

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Rochester, NY- “Back in my day, we weren’t afraid of nothin’. Kids these days are just little precious snowflakes.” Said John Henson, as his beef jerky stick trembled in his hand as he waited in line to approach the cashier who looked “like some kinda Pakistani”

“These libtards will never make it in the real world, they need to suck it up and just deal with it.” The words stuttered out of his mouth, sweat beginning to slowly trickle down his cheek. He was next in line.

As the cashier finished with the customer and it was John’s turn in line, he dropped his Teriyaki Jerky and quickly exited the store.

“I’ll…I’ll just go pick some up at the Tops down the street, I like the overall lay out of that store better anyway, a good use of space, very safe.”

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5 Residents Dead After Mistaking Food Truck Rodeo For Actual Rodeo

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Rochester, NY-  Tragedy struck Wednesday as a group of residents mistook the Food Truck Rodeo for an actual rodeo.  Five have died, and dozens more were injured when several patrons began climbing the food trucks, attempting to lasso other visitors, and waving 10 gallon hats around.  Some residents even acted as rodeo clowns.  Luckily, those individuals were immediately struck and killed by the runaway trucks.

Aside from the clowns (who will not be named so as to spare their families from further embarrassment), two local artists were among the casualties:  Wren Staar and Felix Rolins.  The leader of their art collective, Onyx, was present at the scene and assured The Inner Loop that the two’s passing was incredibly peaceful.  “It just seemed so natural, you know?  So serene.”  recalled Onyx.  ”  I wish I could have been a part of it, actually.  Could you imagine going out like that?  It was seriously one of the best performance art pieces I’ve ever seen!”

A candle lit vigil will be held on Saturday in remembrance of all who were lost.  The Food Truck Rodeo will return to The Public Market as soon as all the blood has been entirely removed from the wheel wells of the vehicles.

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With summer in full swing, man looks forward to having seagull s*** on his car every day

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Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”

The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.

“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.

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RIT Trying To Collect $100,000 In Student Loans From Bear Trapped In Tree

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Rochester,NY- “Black Bears are known to be the friendliest of all bears but apparently they’re the also the biggest dead beats of the Ursidae family” says RIT’s Senior Student Services Counselor Dim Kavis.

In June of 2016, a young black bear climbed up a tree on the Rochester Institute of Technology campus, was shot with a sedative, successfully taken down, and released away from harm.

But after the bear was released, Dim Kavis noticed that an undergrad student named “Grizz Lee Bare” also mysteriously disappeared the same day.

“After tracking down some surveillance cam footage, I was able to determine that the Black Bear had actually been attending classes under this assumed identity.”

“It was clearly a bear but no one on campus wanted to call him out since they did not want to offend him just in case he actually turned out to be a slightly-hairier Armenian guy” says Mrs. Kavis.

The bear might have flown under the radar by living in one of the larger trees on the RIT campus that the school graciously provides to Foreign Students at rate of only $39,506 per year to rent.

Unfortunately, after a night of hard drinking, the bear made the classic undergrad mistake of passing out in the wrong dorm tree.

RIT is now trying to track down the bear to pay for it’s tuition, room and board, as well as a penalty for not getting a parking pass since the tree the bear was found in was located in the F Lot.

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Suspicions confirmed: Commuter learns traffic has been “fricken kidding” him all along.

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Rochester,NY- After years of suspicion, Rochester native Hugo Johnson finally learned that the traffic on 490 east had truly being f***ing kidding him this whole time.

“I felt vindicated, to be quite honest.” Said Johnson as he weaved in and out of lanes in a fruitless attempt to move his car slightly closer to exit 19 in gridlocked traffic.

“I remember when I was a kid and I first took the highway, the traffic was awful and all I could think was….you’ve gotta be f***ing kidding me?”

“To know that I was right all along almost makes it worth it.”

We had planned to interview Mr.Johnson longer but in the midst of our interview he exited his vehicle and started a physical altercation with a car behind him who had honked when he dangerously cut them off going 73 mph.

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Guy Wearing “Make America Great Again” Sombrero Feels Like An Outsider At Party

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Rochester,NY- Cinco De Mayo is a time where people come together and steal from another culture they could really care less about. Yet, tonight David Shultz doesn’t feel apart of anything, he was invited to a “Cinco De Mayo” party and was looking forward to the games, the tequila and most off all, the connection with other people. Yet as soon he walked in, he just felt a coldness from all of the other guest. People scoffed things like “Nice Hat Hitler” or “Who let the racist in”.  David didn’t feel welcome, as if he himself had become some sort of immigrant. We spoke with David to see how he’s handling it.

” You know, I just came here to spend some time with my friends and really just try to let my inner mexican out, enjoy some tequila, eat some tacos, you know, like mexicans! Yet, I’m standing in the corner, being shunned by everyone like I’m some sort of disease carrying mexi…oh wait..oh crap. Okay, now I think I understand why people aren’t talking to me”

David left the party and started to petition for a wall to be built around that party and any other place that made him feel weird and have to question his personal values.

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7 Summer Activities for Rochester Natives

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As we all know, Rochester is an awesome little city with an ever-growing list of new and exciting things to do, see, eat, hear, and experience!  But if you’ve lived here for a long time, you may be getting tired of doing the same old same old; going to the same bars, museums, and venues over and over again.  That’s why we at The Inner Loop have compiled a list of 7 thrilling new activities to keep you entertained this summer in The Flower City!  So hold onto your long boards, jorts, and ironic tattoos and get ready for the best summer of your lives!

1.  Smoke a joint before you go out to brunch!

If there is anything you’ve learned about the bustling metropolis of Rochester, it’s that there is no shortage of restaurants serving brunch on the weekends.  But if you’ve been in town a while, you’ve likely been to all of the good ones more times than you can count.  And we know places like James Brown’s will be amazing no matter what, but why not spice it up by getting really f***ing high in the parking lot before you head in!  It won’t make the food any better or worse, but it will make your 10 hour wait for a table that much more tolerable!

2.  Hit your friend Paul’s bong and go see a movie at The Little Theater!

The Little Theater is a staple in Rochester entertainment, showing indie and foreign films in a cozy community theater full of local art and music.  What better way to pay tribute to this iconic spot than to hit Paul’s bong and try to follow the plot of an Oscar-nominated French film!  If we’re being honest, you probably wouldn’t have understood the movie anyway.  The fact that you’re coughing, saying “what?”, and repeatedly asking if the movie is in French won’t be too wildly different from your sober experiences there, anyway.

3.  Roll a blunt and see a show at the planetarium!

We know, this one is a cliché!  People have been smoking blunts and going to the planetarium since Laser Floyd in the 80s.  But you just can’t beat this timeless stoner activity!  Head to the planetarium, light up a fat blunt, enjoy learning about the stars, and subsequently freak out about how big space is.  I mean, there’s gotta be aliens out there, right?  What if they were high now, too?  And talking about us?????  Omg this is too much.  I think I need to leave.

4.  Bring your bowl with you for a hike in Corbett’s Glen!

If the past few summers have been any indication, we can expect the upcoming months to bring in some blistering heat waves.  Corbett’s Glen is a crowd-favorite spot to beat the heat!  Follow the twists and turns of the stream and you’re likely to find a nice, secluded spot to sit in the water and smoke a bowl in nature, the way God intended!  It is this author’s opinion that the water feels much better when you’re a bowl and a half deep.

5.  Do a dab and check out Mt. Hope Cemetery!

A word of caution: this activity is not for the faint of heart.  Doing dabs and being in a cemetery can be frightening on their own, but combined these activities become downright terrifying.  This outing will prove to be a nonstop thrill ride that begins with you wondering if this is a good idea, and ends with you vomiting near Susan B. Anthony’s final resting place.  But the fun doesn’t have to stop there!  Why not head over to see Frederick Douglass’s grave and question your own reality!  The possibilities are endless!

6.  Eat a pot brownie and go to The Strong Museum of Play!

*Notice we said to eat an edible for this activity.  Since there will likely be children at The Strong Museum, it is very important that you do not smell like weed.*

This activity is perfect for those of us that long to let their inner child run free.  So buckle up, partner!  You’re about to get uncomfortably high and cry about how beautify the butterflies are, and oh my god!  One just landed on your arm!  It’s okay to cry, friend.  We’ve all been there.

7.  Go to Wegmans.

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South Wedge Easter Egg Hunt Took A Terrible Turn When All The Eggs Hatched In Unison.

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Rochester,NY- “We wanted our kids to have fun for Easter but also use this as a teaching moment about animal cruelty and the disgusting practice of factory farming” said Dawson Kreek father of Egg Hunters Bracken, Auden, and Fenton. “But then the eggs starting hatching and we, pardon the pun, all have egg on our face. Our children think we’re monsters.”

 

It wasn’t too soon after the official egg hunt whistle blew that all of the slightly hidden easter eggs started hatching. Soon the streets of the South Wedge were filled with new-born chicks. But since the eggs had been half boiled and dyed per the Easter tradition, the majority of chicks were born heavily deformed and dyed bright colors.

 

The South Wedge Family Counseling Service has made themselves available for any child suffering from PTCD (post traumatic chick dysmorphia).

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Child Finds Dirty Needle during Charlotte Beach Easter Egg Hunt

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Rochester, NY- Panic struck a family friendly event today.  At the annual Charlotte Beach Easter Egg Hunt, a child found an apparently used hypodermic needle in the sand. A story that normally would shock most has had a bit of a strange reaction from the public.  Mayor of Charlotte Beach (as decided by his dominate number of check-ins on Foursquare), Scott Herman, commented on the story, saying “that’s not even close to the worse thing we have found.”

In years past the Easter Egg Hunt has been a family friendly event but each year it is ruined by the discovery of some sort of contraband. “Nothing was worse than the 2008 hunt,” said Foursquare Mayor Herman. “That was the year we found all that evidence from the Alphabet Killings.” Some of the other things included in their findings over the years include; a disposable Kodak camera with tasteful nudes of former Mayor Bob Duffy on it, a human hand holding a knife and two people having sex dressed as Red Wing’s mascots Spikes and Mittsy.

The police are still trying to figure out whether or not the child who found the needle didn’t plant it there himself. Law enforcement officials say, “Kids of all ages are getting into smack now a days, that kid could have just gotten all juiced up and stashed it to hide the evidence.

Mayor Herman tells us that he hopes the findings don’t deter people from participating for years to come.  “That is the fun of an Easter Egg Hunt. You never know what you’re going to find!” says Herman.  “It’s like searching for a piece of history!”