Tag Archives: Sad

Breaking News! Judge Astocia Actually Hiding Inside Of Genesee Brewery Tanks All Along!

Rochester,NY-  The city of Rochester was thrown for a loop when it was just announced that Judge Astocia  has fled from Rochester to live in Thailand for the next three months. The Inner loop is glad to be the first to report that Judge Astocia is actually still in the city of Rochester! She has been hiding right under our nose this entire time! It was in fact a body double that we saw in those pictures in Thailand! The Inner Loop was able to gain an exclusive interview with Judge Astocia inside of her “Safe place” as she referred to it! This is what she had to say.

” I just couldn’t handle the pressure anymore, the double life. Living by day as a Judge, condemning people based on their actions and then being a reckless alcoholic by Day/evening/night. I knew that this lie was going on too long. So I finally decided to live where I’m most wanted. Inside an arid, dark tank filled with beer that is only above average. This is my new home and I hope the people of Rochester can forgive me for my crimes against them. I will still be collecting my full salary while inside of this tank, just so everyone knows I’m safe. I have just the grub-hub app downloaded on my phone and that should pretty much be all I need for the rest of my life.”

Incredible! Woman Captures Perfect Selfie And Obtains Nirvana!

Rochester,NY- It was just a normal Thursday afternoon for Sandra Butterscotch when she stumbled upon the experience of a lifetime. “It was amazing, I almost can’t describe it. I just locked eyes with myself and snapped the shot. I couldn’t believe how perfect the lighting and the angle was. I just wanted to share it with the world.” She recalled telling us the tale. “I didn’t think it was that big of a deal until I started getting more likes on the post than I had friends. It was like whoa, something big is happening here.”

Sandra has since moved to the mountains of Eastern Asia to teach her ways. This is where we met with her to discuss the events. “It was right around ten million likes that I realized, that we are all connected and that the self is just an illusion. There is so much more to consciousness than just what our six senses allow us to perceive in this one physical reality.” She goes on. “But I’d say the number one key to ALL of this, is probably the Valencia filter type.

Rochester’s Revolving Restaurant To Be Replaced With A Fidget Spinner

Rochester,NY-After laying dormant and vacant for close to 27 years, First Federal Plaza’s rooftop revolving restaurant will be upgraded to a super trendy Fidget Spinner.

“The Changing Scene” restaurant opened in 1977, closed in 1988, was converted to office space, but it’s now vacant. While it was the perfect headquarters for Rochester’s Justice League (consisting of Walter The Accordion Guy, Gary The Happy Pirate, and The ConeHead Beer Vendor Guy) they were later evicted because “fighting crime don’t pay shit.”

The fidget spinner, which is in no way a passing trend, and for sure going to be a big thing forever, will be a great addition to the Rochester Skyline because “it has health benefits for all the ADHD and other dumb-dumbs” say city-planner Scott Adam. “We are going to spin that sucker during the work day to keep downtown workers occupied and productive.”

The project is set to kick off as soon as the Filling-The-Inner-Loop-With-The-Bones-Of-The -Homeless project is done. So like Spring of 2034?

 

 

Traffic Cop In Wegmans Parking Lot Has Seen Humanity At It’s Worst

Rochester,NY- Devin Baxter knew he always wanted to be a cop. He remembers playing cops and robbers with his friends during sleepovers and just thinking to himself, how great it’s going to be when one day he finally gets to chase down the bad guys. Fast forward to twenty years later and Devin is finally living his dream. Yet, his new assignment has been one of his toughest jobs in recent years. He’s been assigned to the east ave Wegmans parking lot for the past six months. We spoke with Devin to see how this job has affected his mental health and his life.

” I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit in my line of work, but I really don’t think anything would’ve prepared me for this job. I’ve seen people run over old women, parking spaces covered with cans of Wegmans tomato sauce. Racial slurs being tossed back and forth by drivers. You want to see humanity at its worst, come down to east ave wegmans parking lot. These people dont care about anything except a dinner served with fresh avocados. I tell my kids every night to avoid this place, you have to keep your children safe at the end of the day.”

Here’s the five news stories you missed while the media obsessed over Comey getting fired.

1. Huge voter turnouts for the 89th district’s new comptroller. People from all over the community came out in droves yesterday to participate in democracy. It was a beautiful sight, almost as beautiful as the play I put on that none of my friends came to see. I’m not mad and if anything it’s their loss. But nevertheless it was a wonderful day for the 89th district and I for one hope there is many more.

2. There were Oil spills from many pipelines last week, leaving many Americans concerned. Hmmm that’s interesting because I was concerned when it was 5 minutes to show time and the theatre space I’d rented was almost empty! Where are all my friends who said they’d be here? I asked myself. But was found to be let down once again, just like how America was let down by these spills.

3. Protest turned violent. The university of Berkeley, which is a hotspot for political unrest, Erupted in a violent clash between ideologies last week. Kind of like how my ideology of what makes a friend a friend clashed with the cold horror of nobody showing up to support my play last night. And it’s like, just tell me you’re not gonna go if you’re not gonna go. Like don’t lie to my face about it.

4. No! You know what I’m sick of being passive about this. You are all giant pieces of human trash! I’ve been talking about this play for weeks and have been writing it for YEARS! That’s it I’m doing it for real this time, I’m going to kill myself. I’m not bluffing this time. I might have been bluffing the other 16 times but no, I’ve had enough. And it’s all your fault! All of you!! I will be mentioning each one of you by name in my suicide note so the whole world knows what you did! I hope it haunts you forever and prevents you from sleeping at night you pieces of sub human garbage!!!!

5. The lilac festival is wrapping up and these local puppers couldn’t be happier 🙂

Guy Wearing “Make America Great Again” Sombrero Feels Like An Outsider At Party

Rochester,NY- Cinco De Mayo is a time where people come together and steal from another culture they could really care less about. Yet, tonight David Shultz doesn’t feel apart of anything, he was invited to a “Cinco De Mayo” party and was looking forward to the games, the tequila and most off all, the connection with other people. Yet as soon he walked in, he just felt a coldness from all of the other guest. People scoffed things like “Nice Hat Hitler” or “Who let the racist in”.  David didn’t feel welcome, as if he himself had become some sort of immigrant. We spoke with David to see how he’s handling it.

” You know, I just came here to spend some time with my friends and really just try to let my inner mexican out, enjoy some tequila, eat some tacos, you know, like mexicans! Yet, I’m standing in the corner, being shunned by everyone like I’m some sort of disease carrying mexi…oh wait..oh crap. Okay, now I think I understand why people aren’t talking to me”

David left the party and started to petition for a wall to be built around that party and any other place that made him feel weird and have to question his personal values.

White Guy Saying “Happy Cinco De Mayo” To Vaguely Colored People Feels Good About Himself

Rochester,NY-  Brian Little could not wait for Cinco De Mayo,  his bros and him have a reservation at Selenas and can’t wait to sink their face into some tequila shots and sexually harass every girl within a twenty-mile radius. Yet, Brian also realizes that this is a very important day to the hispanic culture and doesn’t want to offend anyone, so Brian is making it a priority to wish a “Happy Cinco De Mayo” to any vaguely brown person who walks by him. We spoke with Brian to see how his act of kindness is going.

” You know, I just really want to give back to the Mexicans, Puerto ricans or whatever they are today, I know they fought hard in the civil war and really deserve this day in their honor. Also, they brought tequila into this country and nothing has gotten me laid more than tequila. I don’t really know how I can ever give back to these great people and their amazing island that they live on. Honestly, I know 9-11 was bad, but we really need to stop being so harsh towards these guys. They’re not all terrorist yah know? Happy Columbus day everyone!”

At this point Brian began to scream sexual innuendo to a girl across the bar and vomited all over himself.

 

Happy Cinco De Mayo Everyone.

   -The Inner Loop Staff

SPECTRUM CEO VANQUISHES TIME WARNER CABLE DEMON!

Rochester N.Y. – The people of Rochester have lived in the shadow of a vicious hell beast for too long.  For years, the tyranny of Time Warner Cable has imprisoned us and a dark cloud of fear and hate has covered the city.  But no longer will we live in terror, for it is a new day. Spectrum Cable President and CEO, Tom Rutledge, has vanquished the Time Warner Cable Demon.

Armed with only his mighty sword Dáinsleif, the lost sword of King Högni, and his own strength and determination, Rutledge stormed the castle walls to the lair of the beast.  Determined to cast Time Warner Cable back to the bowels of hell from whence it came, Rutledge the Mighty fought tooth and nail to bring peace to Upstate New York.  The battle raged on, some say for days, others for weeks. In the chaos of the fight, Rutledge raised his mighty sword high above his head; a bolt of lightning struck the blade.  In one fell swoop, Rutledge thrust his sword through the heart of the beast. Its villainous core erupted with black smoke and the Time Warner Cable Demon wailed in agony as its ashen blood poured from its unhealable wound.

“Back, back to hell you go, I command it!” bellowed Tom, “you’ll do know more evil here, set your customers free from the curse of your unfair rates and insane contract stipulations!!!” And with speed of Spectrum’s lightning quick internet, Rutledge swung his sword one last time, lopping the head of the beast completely off of his body. It was done, the fiery clouds cleared, beams of sunshine broke through.  The murky, grim waters of the Genesee ran crystal clear once again and at last, Time Warner Cable had fallen. Our hero, Tom Rutledge, President and CEO of Spectrum Cable, hobbled his way to the town square to meet the people waiting for him and in triumph, raised the head of the demon high in the air and yelled, “IT’S A NEW DAY!”

Irondequoit Preparing For Tornado For Years By Always Looking Like Trash

Rochester,NY-  News has just spread that a potential tornado could be headed into the Rochester area. Many are seeking shelter, going to Wegmans to prepare for the inevitable power outage. Many towns are taking action, closing off the streets, making sure that they can minimize damage. Yet one town has already been taking action, Irondequoit has known for years of the tornado about to touchdown and has made sure that their town has always looked like a tornado hit it. We spoke with the town supervisor to see how it feels to be ahead of the game.

” You know, Irondequoit usually doesn’t do many things right, but I really think we’ve nailed it. Finally after so many years of people doubting our intentions and thinking we were crazy and a tornado was never coming, we know now that our intentions were pure and the non-believers will now bow down to us in awe of our amazing ability to predict the future! Also, we can’t really afford any sort of clean up crew, so that also helps with this situation.”

Guy Holding Dead Deer In Tinder Profile Doesn’t Understand Why He Cant Find A Date

Rochester,NY- David Steinfield has been on Tinder for the past six months with only an occasional like here and there, he’s frustrated, alone and doesnt understand whats going wrong. Seen in his profile picture David is holding a recently deceased buck that he himself killed. He felt that holding this dead animal covered in blood would be the perfect trick for nabbing some successful dates with some of the girls located on the R.I.T Campus. We spoke with David to see how he is dealing with this frustration.

” You know, I’ve heard Tinder was a great hook up app and I just thought to myself that there were so many bitches to be slayed and I knew just how to get them. Nothing gets girls more interested in yah than holding some freshly innocent deceased animal that you just slayed for no other reason than posting a picture about it on your Facebook page”

David has informed us at this current time he has no tinder dates lined up and he is hoping is foray into craigslist personals will bring him more luck.