Rochester,NY- A shocking new study is taking the nation by storm, scientist have now discovered that fried dough is definitely the number one reason you’re a fat single piece of shit. It has taken the number one spot away from being ” You have a horrible personality”. We we’re able to speak Tricia Berman, one of the scientist who helped discover this major breakthrough. This what she had to say.
” After years of researching and failed studies after failed studies, It was so nice to finally uncover the truth to this mystery for so long, so many people out there are fat single pieces of shit, but no one knew exactly why! Sure we had our theories, there was the mountain dew theory, the tiny penis syndrome theory. Yet nothing was quite as clear as eating excessive amounts of fried dough definitely being the reason most americans are fat single pieces of shit. I can finally rest easy at night knowing that americans have finally learned the truth about their terrible fate.”
Tricia spoke with us and let us know her team is working hard on their next study of “Are people who argue about politics actually making any difference?”
Significant portions of the town of Greece were hit hard by Great Wind Storm of 2017 leaving people without power and heat, roads blocked by trees and power lines, and forcing a State of Emergency.
Several people took to social media to offer their homes as safe-havens to family and friends that were living in harsh conditions. Johnny Freedbley was one of those people posting on his facebook page: “If you need a place to stay come on over to my house. I have heat, WiFi, food, and plenty of blankets!”
“Well I was just trying to be nice” Mr. Freedbley told The Inner Loop. “Honestly I was hoping a hot chick would take me up on this but instead it was just Todd.”
The Todd he is talking about is his High School acquaintance Todd Gerkin. “We never really hung out in high school, or college, or any time really, but my power went out and I needed a place to hang. I saw his message on Facebook and I was like sick, this dude has a decent spread, let me get in there.”
Todd has made himself at home according to Johnny. “He doesn’t have a job, he just is in my house all day now. He has ate most of my food, he drank all my beer the first night he crashed. I don’t know what to do!”
The Inner Loop did some investigating on the RG&E website after learning Todd’s address. There is no record of him losing power.
ROCHESTER, NY– Hand-in-hand with the great tradition of voting this country has been the great tradition of Local News stations finding and reporting on the longest lines to vote. “Because, you know, news and shit” says local news producer Jen Johnson.
Rochester polling station prepared as best they could for the record numbers of registered voters and first-time voters casting their ballots in this election, and it turns out, they did a pretty great job!
“We looked all over the place and couldn’t find a single file line anywhere in Rochester. We started to get worried that we might actually have to cover something newsworthy. But it was right when we lost hope that we drove past Highland Park” said Johnson.
Unfortunately for the News Team, it turns out this line in Highland Park was not for the polling station nearby but still a residual line of people waiting for their kettle corn from the Lilac Festival.
“Please kill me. I have been waiting here since May 21st. I am so hungry. Why does it take so long to stir popcorn in liquid diabetes?” said Tom Bosstone, 24, who looked particularly gnarly.
When asked who he was voting for, Tom simply said “Please just kill me. For the love of God. Also, probably Trump.”