LAS VEGAS – A pack of lone wolves that has been terrorizing the United States since 1982 wreaked havoc on a sleepy Nevada city, forcing an innocent white man to shoot one of his many automatic rifles into a crowd of people enjoying a quiet Sunday brunch with music from local bands. Hundreds were injured, and 59 people perished thanks to this pack of lone wolves. They then forced the man to turn the gun on himself and fled the scene before authorities could apprehend them and stop their murderous, decades long rampage.

The REAL victim, Stephen Paddock, was enjoying a quiet night with 23 of his favorite firearms in his 32nd floor room in the Mandalay Bay bed & breakfast. Police hypothesize that the lone wolves broke into his room door using a swiped key card, loaded his weapons, and positioned Paddock to murder 59 people and injure 527 others. The chaos that entailed has since been gripping the nation, causing them to ponder the reason these lone wolves keep doing this, and why they target such innocent white men. Not counting domestic violence, Lone Wolves have forced 134 people to shoot into public crowds since 1966. Most of these shooters are male and white. Lone Wolves have forced white men to kill 949 people.

Lone Wolves target very specific people. After the men are apprehended or killed, you realize how innocent they are. Most of them are quiet and keep to themselves. They were single loners, came from good homes, had very adorable elementary school and high school pictures, and they often loved their families. Often they are fragile of ego, but they are fine as long as someone strokes their ego incessantly. Sometimes there was a period of time that they may or may not have had a personality disorder or a mental illness, but for the most part they were socially stable angels and pillars of their communities. It may be just coincidence that they own an attic full of nazi paraphernalia or a bootleg copy of The Anarchist Cookbook or a pile of pornographic magazines with the eyes of the models cut out? The Lone Wolves often target these poor men, but they are nice guys, as the family assure everyone. Sometimes the men themselves assure you that they are nice guys in a long written or video manifesto.

No one knows why Lone Wolves do this to such quiet white men, but some believe it is because of their concern for mental health or Chicago or “black on black” crime things that are “too soon”, as these are the subjects most often brought up when they force these innocent white men to kill others and sometimes themselves. No matter what, though, they definitely do NOT want to bring attention to gun regulation in the country.

Authorities continue to search for the pack of lone wolves. If you have any information, just go into hiding, as authorities will not pay attention to them until they’ve made another innocent white man kill people.