Rochester,NY- “Ah you smell that? Summers in the air!”
The smell Hank was talking of was crusted seagull shit, which he desperately tried to scrape off of his windshield after what appeared to be a Syrian drone strike like assault of white feces covered his 4 door sedan.
“Gotta love it!” he exclaimed gleefully as he got into his car and turned on his windshield wipers, which just spread the shit all over his windshield, achieving nothing.
Rochester,NY- Devin Baxter knew he always wanted to be a cop. He remembers playing cops and robbers with his friends during sleepovers and just thinking to himself, how great it’s going to be when one day he finally gets to chase down the bad guys. Fast forward to twenty years later and Devin is finally living his dream. Yet, his new assignment has been one of his toughest jobs in recent years. He’s been assigned to the east ave Wegmans parking lot for the past six months. We spoke with Devin to see how this job has affected his mental health and his life.
” I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit in my line of work, but I really don’t think anything would’ve prepared me for this job. I’ve seen people run over old women, parking spaces covered with cans of Wegmans tomato sauce. Racial slurs being tossed back and forth by drivers. You want to see humanity at its worst, come down to east ave wegmans parking lot. These people dont care about anything except a dinner served with fresh avocados. I tell my kids every night to avoid this place, you have to keep your children safe at the end of the day.”
1. Huge voter turnouts for the 89th district’s new comptroller. People from all over the community came out in droves yesterday to participate in democracy. It was a beautiful sight, almost as beautiful as the play I put on that none of my friends came to see. I’m not mad and if anything it’s their loss. But nevertheless it was a wonderful day for the 89th district and I for one hope there is many more.
2. There were Oil spills from many pipelines last week, leaving many Americans concerned. Hmmm that’s interesting because I was concerned when it was 5 minutes to show time and the theatre space I’d rented was almost empty! Where are all my friends who said they’d be here? I asked myself. But was found to be let down once again, just like how America was let down by these spills.
3. Protest turned violent. The university of Berkeley, which is a hotspot for political unrest, Erupted in a violent clash between ideologies last week. Kind of like how my ideology of what makes a friend a friend clashed with the cold horror of nobody showing up to support my play last night. And it’s like, just tell me you’re not gonna go if you’re not gonna go. Like don’t lie to my face about it.
4. No! You know what I’m sick of being passive about this. You are all giant pieces of human trash! I’ve been talking about this play for weeks and have been writing it for YEARS! That’s it I’m doing it for real this time, I’m going to kill myself. I’m not bluffing this time. I might have been bluffing the other 16 times but no, I’ve had enough. And it’s all your fault! All of you!! I will be mentioning each one of you by name in my suicide note so the whole world knows what you did! I hope it haunts you forever and prevents you from sleeping at night you pieces of sub human garbage!!!!
5. The lilac festival is wrapping up and these local puppers couldn’t be happier 
Rochester,NY- Brian Little could not wait for Cinco De Mayo, his bros and him have a reservation at Selenas and can’t wait to sink their face into some tequila shots and sexually harass every girl within a twenty-mile radius. Yet, Brian also realizes that this is a very important day to the hispanic culture and doesn’t want to offend anyone, so Brian is making it a priority to wish a “Happy Cinco De Mayo” to any vaguely brown person who walks by him. We spoke with Brian to see how his act of kindness is going.
” You know, I just really want to give back to the Mexicans, Puerto ricans or whatever they are today, I know they fought hard in the civil war and really deserve this day in their honor. Also, they brought tequila into this country and nothing has gotten me laid more than tequila. I don’t really know how I can ever give back to these great people and their amazing island that they live on. Honestly, I know 9-11 was bad, but we really need to stop being so harsh towards these guys. They’re not all terrorist yah know? Happy Columbus day everyone!”
At this point Brian began to scream sexual innuendo to a girl across the bar and vomited all over himself.
As we all know, Rochester is an awesome little city with an ever-growing list of new and exciting things to do, see, eat, hear, and experience! But if you’ve lived here for a long time, you may be getting tired of doing the same old same old; going to the same bars, museums, and venues over and over again. That’s why we at The Inner Loop have compiled a list of 7 thrilling new activities to keep you entertained this summer in The Flower City! So hold onto your long boards, jorts, and ironic tattoos and get ready for the best summer of your lives!
If there is anything you’ve learned about the bustling metropolis of Rochester, it’s that there is no shortage of restaurants serving brunch on the weekends. But if you’ve been in town a while, you’ve likely been to all of the good ones more times than you can count. And we know places like James Brown’s will be amazing no matter what, but why not spice it up by getting really f***ing high in the parking lot before you head in! It won’t make the food any better or worse, but it will make your 10 hour wait for a table that much more tolerable!
The Little Theater is a staple in Rochester entertainment, showing indie and foreign films in a cozy community theater full of local art and music. What better way to pay tribute to this iconic spot than to hit Paul’s bong and try to follow the plot of an Oscar-nominated French film! If we’re being honest, you probably wouldn’t have understood the movie anyway. The fact that you’re coughing, saying “what?”, and repeatedly asking if the movie is in French won’t be too wildly different from your sober experiences there, anyway.
We know, this one is a cliché! People have been smoking blunts and going to the planetarium since Laser Floyd in the 80s. But you just can’t beat this timeless stoner activity! Head to the planetarium, light up a fat blunt, enjoy learning about the stars, and subsequently freak out about how big space is. I mean, there’s gotta be aliens out there, right? What if they were high now, too? And talking about us????? Omg this is too much. I think I need to leave.
If the past few summers have been any indication, we can expect the upcoming months to bring in some blistering heat waves. Corbett’s Glen is a crowd-favorite spot to beat the heat! Follow the twists and turns of the stream and you’re likely to find a nice, secluded spot to sit in the water and smoke a bowl in nature, the way God intended! It is this author’s opinion that the water feels much better when you’re a bowl and a half deep.
A word of caution: this activity is not for the faint of heart. Doing dabs and being in a cemetery can be frightening on their own, but combined these activities become downright terrifying. This outing will prove to be a nonstop thrill ride that begins with you wondering if this is a good idea, and ends with you vomiting near Susan B. Anthony’s final resting place. But the fun doesn’t have to stop there! Why not head over to see Frederick Douglass’s grave and question your own reality! The possibilities are endless!
*Notice we said to eat an edible for this activity. Since there will likely be children at The Strong Museum, it is very important that you do not smell like weed.*
This activity is perfect for those of us that long to let their inner child run free. So buckle up, partner! You’re about to get uncomfortably high and cry about how beautify the butterflies are, and oh my god! One just landed on your arm! It’s okay to cry, friend. We’ve all been there.
7. Go to Wegmans.
??????????
ROCHESTER, NY– Voting booth attendance ground to a halt this morning as a shocking discovery shook the conservative right. It has been revealed today that presidential candidate Donald Trump has in fact, this entire time, been a Jeff Dunham ventriloquist dummy.
News affiliates first became skeptical of Trump’s legitimacy as a human being after several in person meeting and press conferences as Trump acted like a poor caricature of an 80’s “business” man, spouted racist nonsense at an unprecedented level, and his mouth didn’t always line up with what he was saying.
It wasn’t until this morning when an exhausted Jeff Dunham collapsed from behind the GOP frontrunner, wheezing and begging for medical assistance. After recuperating, Dunham admitted that he thought this character was “just a funny joke” among his other cast of characters: A racist depiction of a muslim, a racist Mexican hot pepper, a racist depiction of a black pimp, an old man who is just racist, a mentally handicapped adult, and a monkey.
Jeff Dunham, who is “famous” for doing “comedy” had reportedly been working on the character since the early seventies, when first developing his routine. “I just kept thinking” Dunham says, “wouldn’t it be great if I made a great big wood man! and he has money! and hates everything about brown people! and-and he likes boobs! and butts-GIRL butts! oh wow, I gotta get back out there!”
Dunham refused to provide further comment, saying that he was “Hot on the campaign trail!” running from the hospital with a briefcase full of “comedic” ventriloquist dummies.
Conservative voters have yet to stop voting for trump, even after hearing the news that a “comedian” had a hand up his ass for the entire election.
Rochester,NY- Johnathan Pascoe has had a very long day, he wanted to just come home, relax, maybe catch up on his favorite Netflix show and kick his feet up. Yet, something seems to be bothering him, he doesn’t know what he’s going to passively aggressively mutter under his breath tonight, there are so many choices sometimes, it seems as if a clear decision can’t be made. We spoke with Johnathan to see how he is handling this crisis.
“I’ve dealt with some difficult choices in my life, but for some reason this seems to be really getting under my skin. I mean my choices are unlimited, I could probably call my wife a “bitch” when she walks away from me, or I could say something from across the room to my daughter like “ungrateful brat”. I mean the choices are just so vast. Last week I my wife caught me saying “must be nice”. I really need to perfect the art of being a sneaky asshole in my own home. Progress, not perfection, am I right?”
Rochester,NY- As Halloween grows closer, here at the Inner Loop we have been bringing you a day by day countdown of the scariest places in Rochester to go that are completely free! Today coming on our list at #108 is Wegmans frozen food aisle! It gets a 9/10 on the spooky ghost meter! Wegmans as we all know is a giant in the food market industry, but little did you know how scary the frozen food aisle can be!
As you walk down the aisle of a Wegmans frozen food section, beware! You will see families staring upon the dozens of choices of processed meat and cheese products! Do not get to close to them, as these families are infected with what we call “Broken Family syndrome”. These families know nothing of real love or even worse! Real food! They scramble around their house mindlessly staring into their cellphones and ignoring the flesh and blood of those around them! They fill their soulless body with the food made from plastic and melted down Lego bricks! This kind of food is the only sustenance that they can live on!
If you can make it past them you will find another challenge lying ahead of you. The toothless sugar sucking twenty somethings! They only come out after ten o’clock, for their “sugar” fix! They will paw their disgusting hands against the glass looking for the perfect Ben & Jerry’s combination of flavors and disgusting artificial flavors that will sooth their cravings! These creatures are well skilled in the art of “suppressing” their feelings in order to carry on their daily activities.
These are just some of the ghoulish nightmares you will face on your walk down the Wegmans frozen food aisle! Try to survive if you dare! Be warned, not many make it down this section without inevitable facing their doom, or buying a digiorno pizza.
Penfield, NY – “It was just a normal day for all of us,” Remarked Donna Schwibber. Donna was one of MiddValle High’s most promising students. She only smoked pot on Thursdays and Fridays. While serving as Valedictorian with a 3.2 average, she also advocates an extra hour bikini time on her dad’s boat, and raising the minimum allowances to $50 per 1000 Instagram likes.
“I was Messenger chatting with my Social Media Manager and he was saying that if my followers don’t get me trending by next Wednesday, then Jenna Marbles was more likely to present for ‘The Social Media King’ category on the Teen Choice Awards. So I was like ‘Why is God doing this to me.” She went on to describe the tragic horror that would follow. “Johnny just turned 18. And his mom and dad started fighting again while we were taking set photos with his dad’s DSLR next to their family pool.” That was just the beginning, according to Schwibber – Or Donna Sparklez as she’s known on Twitter and Instagram.
After being publicly accused of sleeping with another assistant at his financing firm, Johnny’s father decided to let his mother ‘Take all of my shit so I can just leave.’ He stepped off of the estate and drove his Porsche 9-11 to their cabin in Crystal Beach. Meanwhile, Johnny’s mother grabbed another bottle White Zinfandel, and told her son and his friends to ‘. . . get in the car because Johnny needs to learn to drive and we’re going to my moms house.’
“I didn’t really know what to do, so I packed up my lighting gear and put it in Johnny’s minivan and asked him to drop me off at my house,” said Tyler Rayban, lighting director that Donna Schwibbers manager highered for her photo shoots. “But then Johnny’s mom threw my cases out of the trunk and put her suitcase in. She said no one was stopping and we’re all going on meet the reaper. So I got in the backseat, popped a couple xannies, and started live tweeting like it was the apocalypse.”
As it turned out, all of the children and Johnny’s mother had accidentally ingested a homogeneous mixture of water and acid. The trip occurred the moment they pulled into Johnny’s grandmothers parking garage and left the minivan running. All information, interviews, and quotes have been taken from set footage, snapchats, and tweets recovered after the deceased were found.
Rochester, NY – Love it or hate it, a casino is coming to Rochester. The casino has caused quite the divide among many Rochesterians, but there is a major issue that has been plaguing the officials of Rochester for some time. Any corrupt politician knows that a casino must be built on an Indian burial ground for it to truly grasp the heart of the city and curse anyone who enters it. We spoke with mayor Lovely Warren to get her take on this situation.
” I know the people of Rochester are scared of things they don’t understand. They should put their fears to rest. Here at city hall, all the officials of Rochester are very familiar with evil spirits and building things on top of cursed ground. I mean Collegetown was built right on top of the poor community and look how things are going there!”
While many people are opposed to the idea of the casino, they’re are many others who actually think that the casino could be the best thing to ever happen to Rochester. We spoke with local psychic Angela (last name unknown) to see what her thoughts are.
” I think the casino will bode well for the city of Rochester, but at a very high price! It will probably cost them millions of dollars for the construction and that’s not including labor cost or what if bad weather hits, they have to think about this stuff before they begin such a huge task.”
We asked her what she thought about possibly building it on top of an Indian burial ground.
” Just build it anywhere, I mean our whole country was built on Indian ground by slaves and people don’t ever talk about that or care. The only reason people care about Indian burial grounds is because they made a movie about a white girl who got abducted through a tv set by a ghost. F***ing ridiculous.”
*Editors Note*
For people who are sensitive, please replace the word Indian with Native American and the word f*** with hugs and kisses for all genders.”
