Rochester, NY- The Superbowl is a time for many things. A gathering of friends and foes alike, joining together to see which team is truly superior. For some, the super bowl isn’t about football at all. It’s about the hilarious commercials or just that they get to spend some quality time with the people they cherish in their life. Yet, for some, the super bowl isn’t about either of those things. The super bowl is about food and one particular kind of food at that. Chicken wing dip.
This year at the O’Reilly residence, two men have brought their best buffalo chicken wing dip. Only one can be crowned the true winner of the night.While some folk would just have a friendly vote among the crowd to see who is the true winner of this event, David O’reilly and Conner O’reilly have decided to take it outside in the front lawn and have a bare knuckle fist fight to settle the score. We spoke with David to see how is preparing for the showdown.
“You know, I knew this year would be a tough one, last year I added some garlic into my dip which I knew would add a little flavor that most people were not aware of, so it was nice little zinger. Connor on the other hand can go f*** himself, if thinks he can’t just keep sending my girlfriend private messages over twitter and I wouldn’t notice, he’s got another thing coming, I cant wait to beat his ass outside later. I also recommend a high quality brand of tortilla chips for this dip, it tends to be on the thicker side and you need a nice size chip to get through it without it breaking. Seriously f*** Conner.”
We spoke to Conner to get his point of view on this fight to the death over chicken wing dip.
“Dude, I already told David that wasnt me who messaged his girl, he really need to get the f*** over it, like I already have a girl and absolutely no interest in his ugly ass girl, for real. As far as my dip goes, I’ve really taken sometime this year and I baked the chicken for three hours to give a nice juicy and tender test, you really want the chicken to just pull apart from the cheese in a graceful manner, I like to add some basil, which I know traditionally doesn’t make sense for this recipe, but I have found it just adds such a nice kick to the old school recipe. David can go f*** himself and I cant wait to meet him out front and bash his head with his three-year olds tricycle in the front lawn.”
Rochester,NY- We’re all gearing up for the superbowl. The most “American” day of the year. Beer, football and chicken wing dip. Your buddy Shane is hosting a party and you can’t wait. Yet, we all know what’s going to happen. It happens every year. F***ing Derek has some sort of f***ing meltdown right at half-time. It doesn’t even matter if his team is winning or not. He will find a way to ruin this party. We were able to speak with Derek to see exactly how he’s going to cause a scene at this years superbowl party. Here’s what he had to say!
” I think this year to really get the ball rolling, I’ll throw a couple of passive aggressive comments throughout the game, then to kind of hype things up, I’ll pretend I’m getting into some sort texting fight my ex-girlfriend. That always makes for a good time. Then when that sweet halftime comes around the corner, I’ll jack it up to ninety miles per hour and start screaming at the television. I’ll act like I’m going to call the other team a bunch of “N-words”, but I won’t. People get real tense about that kind of behavior. I have to say this is something I look forward to every year. It’s an honor.
No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to figure out how my doctor has gotten so many pictures of me crying for this “Rorschach Test” he keeps giving me. Every time i’ve tried to complain he keeps telling me I should be “committed” but I feel like I’ve been pretty committed to getting to the bottom of this mystery so I don’t really know what he’s talking about. The guys got hundreds of these pictures, he’s even got pictures of my Uncle Jerry who used to wrestle with me all time (naked wrestling too, just like the romans!)
If anyone has any information about this please reach out to me, I was gonna drop it, but he’s started showing me pictures of me having sex with my mom and that crosses the line!
ROCHESTER NY – The #MeToo movement has brought sweeping changes and firings in the entertainment industry. However, the music industry has been relatively untouched by the movement. This makes Jack White fan Thomas Clarkson of Greece NY very nervous.
“I am very supportive of the #MeToo movement and I hope all these sex monsters rot in hell,” says Mr. Clarkson.
“But… listen… all I am saying is…. you know… I had Louis C.K. tickets. I don’t want to get screwed over again” Clarkson continued.
Back in 2015, Jack White announced an indefinite hiatus from performing live. Which is why the news that he would be putting out a new album and hitting the road again in 2018 blew his fans away.
But what was even more surprising was that White would be making a stop at the Dome Arena in Henrietta in June.
“I am not implying Jack White has done anything wrong, by any means he seems like a really good guy” Clarkson stammered. “I mean, wasn’t he banging his sister or something in the White Stripes?”
This long standing rumor is of course false. Meg White, the drummer of the now defunct band was not his sister. She was his wife and Jack took his wife’s surname.
It was not until later in his career that Jack White was in a band where he was sleeping with his siblings. That band was The Raconteurs who notably would all make-out on stage with one another after playing ‘Steady, As She Goes.’
Rochester, NY – Well, it’s finally time. George Eastman himself announced in a press conference today that his company Kodak will begin a blockchain development team for KodakCoin. After the announcement, Kodak stock saw an impressive leap in market value. Prompting several Rochester locals to say words that haven’t been uttered in nearly a century. “Kodak doubled it’s value in one day”.
George Eastman left all of his board members in complete shock in the announcement. Not only were they looking at the completely dilapidated, fleshy corpse of George Eastman, that was selectively reanimated for the direct purpose of making the announcement. But the board members were also handed several notebooks titling buzzwords that would ignite the overwhelming rebranding of the company.
First, to gain notoriety and spread the influence of Rochester Pride, Kodak and Eastman will be teaming up with the Genesee Brew House to mint physical representations of the cryptocurrency. Even though minting physical coins completely disregards the purpose of an online blockchain, that still won’t stop the half reanimated corpse, half baboon hearted Eastman from dipping Genesee caps into printer toner to christen the software based currency notes.
There were so many questions that attendees had for Eastman. “How are you here?” For example and “My God, what monster has the devil summoned in front of me?”. Eastman quickly scuffled over these inquiries saying that his company had developed reanimation during their studies of the ‘Lazuras Effect’ in the early ninties. Rather than develop the concept for commercial use, however, Eastman noted that he does not believe the technology will catch on. “About as useful as digital cameras, or mobile phones” said the body.
Instead, Eastman noted the next big ventures for Kodak after they’ve perfected the analog cryptocurrency market. Starting with a straight to DVD Netflix special and a fidget spinner made of a pencil and cement.
The North Pole- BREAKING NEWS. Olivia the reindeer has just stepped forward accusing Santa of sexual harassment allegations. Olivia has some shocking allegations, she is accusing santa of making some very shocking statements, such as “I would love to have steering the back of my sleigh”, needless to say the community is disgusted and shocked. We reached out to Santas worker elves for a comment, only one came forward, we have agreed to keep his anonymity so he can remain safe. This is what he has to say.
” Yeah, everyone has always known about it. You hear the whispers throughout the workshop. Santa has “Favorites”, rudolph doesn’t guide that sleigh because of his nose. I mean for f*** sakes, we’ve had fog lights for over thirty years, you think some freaks bright nose is going to make the difference in traveling at night? People will believe whatever they want to believe. I mean here is this eighty something year old man running a sweatshop of children “lookalikes”, climbing into people’s homes during the night and dropping off gifts for children? Get the f*** out. Also dont even get me started the entire “Naughty or Nice” list.”
UPDATE: It seems the scandal has become bigger, news from the north pole is Frosty the snowman is under investigation for asking children to move his carrot nose to his nether regions.
The holidays are here and that means it’s time for things like caroling, cookie decorating, giving and getting gifts and of course family. Both with that in mind, every year while out and about during the holidays, hundreds of thousands of grandmas are run over by Reindeer. Something about the scent of gingerbread and egg nog drives the reindeer insane and stirs them into a grandma attacking frenzy. So for the safety of your grandmas, here is a list of five helpful holiday tips for keeping your grandma from getting run over by a reindeer.
1.) Help them Cross the Street: I know it’s cliché but now more than ever is the time to bring out your inner Eagle (or Eaglette) Scout and help guide these golden girls from one corner to the next. It never hurts to have an extra set of eyes when a ravenous reindeer comes charging out of nowhere.
2.) Use a Child Leash: It may seem unconventional but when it comes to saving the life of your beloved grandma, desperate measures must be taken. Most grandmas tend to wander and that’s nothing a little tug on the leash can’t fix. You may be thinking that the old child leash you used to use for your kid won’t fit your grandma but in almost every case, grandmas tend to shrink back to their original sizes in their old age and it should fit perfectly.
3.) Get Her a Life Alert: This tip might not help save your grandma from a vicious, holiday season fueled reindeer attack, but it may save her life. We’ve all seen the commercials. The phrase “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” can’t be said without thinking of the trusted emergency alert system. Soon you’ll hear grandmas all over shouting “I’ve been brutally gored by a reindeer and my spleen is ruptured!”
4.) Tell Her a You Saw a Middle Eastern Family in the Neighborhood: Let’s face it; grandmas these days grew up in a different time where ignorance was bliss. Many of them have a lingering distaste for anyone appearing to be different from them without any sort of reasonable explanation. Keep your grandma safe with this little white lie about seeing a Middle Eastern Family (or any minority for that matter) in the area and your grandma will be too busy peeking out her blinds with her binoculars to go outside and get mowed down by a reindeer.
5.) Put Her in a Home: This final tip for the holidays is a sure fire way to keep grandma safe and sound for however many years to come she has left (hopefully not too many, these places are expensive!). Park your grandma in a home with all the other grandmas and she’ll be protected by the watchful eye of an underqualified assisted living center employee. She can watch Golden Girls reruns, send you a check for $5 every year on your birthday and tell you the story of how she once met The Rat Pack again when you visit her twice a year.
Rochester, NY- It’s another day in lovely Rochester, you’re planning on just taking a quick drive down to park avenue for a drink, when it happens. You see it up ahead, you can’t avoid it, no side streets to go down, no alternate routes, no escape. That f***ing pedal pub tour bus is up ahead blocking traffic. The pedal pub tour has been a staple in the Rochester community, bringing groups of drunk people from bar to bar on something out of a twisted willy wonka movie. If you’re ever unsure if the pedal pub tour is up ahead , here are five solid signs, you’re stuck behind that pedal pub tour thing again
- The Smell Of Bud Light Is In The Air– You can hear the cars up ahead beeping, you can see little remnants of flashing lights and a bright lights, but then it hits you, that distinct smell of bud light, the smell of kids who never left their hometown, the smell of people who paid over three hundred dollars to ride a bike. That’s the smell of the pedal pub tour.
- The Guy With The Rochester Plates Hat Almost Fell Off- You can see everyone having fun, drinking, laughing, singing, yet every tour has that one asshole who wears his “Rochester Plates” hat because he hasn’t discovered anything outside of Rochester and thinks it’s good to have hometown pride, meanwhile he’s on the verge of falling off the back of the bike.
- That Drunk Bitch Tiffany Is stumbling Out Of Half-pint- This is Tiffany’s third pedal pub tour in one year, yeah sure, one was for work, the other was a bachlorette party, but this time she chose to do it on her own. Is it to get over Derrick? Who knows, all we know is this is the thousandth time she’s stumbled out half-pint screaming about getting some dick on tinder. Get it together Tiffany.
- Trails Of Vomit And Half Eaten Garbage Plates Are In The Street- That squishing sound underneath your tire? No, it’s not another squirrel. It’s a f***ing half eaten garbage plate from dogtown, some genius always thinks they can eat and bike and drink, yet again, these people are on the equivalent of an adult themed Chuck E Cheese ride.
- You’re writing down the number on the back of the bike- No, not to report it. You have a birthday coming up and quite honestly…it looks kind of fun. F*** your life.
Buffalo, NY – The Buffalo Bills came away with an exciting 13-7 win on Sunday over the Indianapolis Colts. The Bills toughed out some of the harshest weather the NFL has seen all year during the game, in which almost 18 inches of snow falling on New Era Field throughout the contest.
Despite the weather, thousands of Western New Yorkers showed their pride and turned out for the blustery ball game to cheer on their beloved Buffalo Bills. Although temperatures reached below freezing during the game, the thick layers provided by warm pierogis, copious amounts of alcohol and 90’s Bill’s Starter Jackets seemed to be enough to keep the fans going. Until the end of the game, after the field had cleared and the stadium’s facility management crew took to the stands to clean up. The crew was shocked to find hundreds of frozen corpses of Buffalo’s diehard fan base.
“We were kind of surprised when we got working on snow removal to find people still at the game,” said one crew member. “After we shouted in their faces a bit and poked a couple with our shovels, it was pretty clear that these fans were dead.”
With only one home game left in the season and a chance at the playoffs looking bleak, the Bill’s front office has been faced with an issue of selling tickets and packing the stands. After news of the bodies being found in the stands came out, team owners Terry and Kim Pegula couldn’t have been more ecstatic and have decided to leave the human popsicles in their final resting places for one more game.
“It’s what they would have wanted,” said Kim Pegula, “besides, these people are dead. So f*** it, who cares?” Now faced with the final home game of the season next week Terry Pegula says “now is not the time to pass on good business opportunities.”
“We’ve already got a quarter of the stands filled for a game I couldn’t even pay people to go to. We’ll just bill the families of the frozen deceased for the tickets later.”
The Bill’s front office is happy to have such a dedicated fan base. With the support of the blue collar, and now blue faced, fans from the Rustbelt mean everything. A source close to the front office was available for comment saying, “We can only hope that one day the fans that froze to death on December 10th 2017 can be thawed out and reanimated so they can one day cheer on the Buffalo Bills again. Maybe we’ll even have had a playoff birth for them to wake up to.”
In a tweet released early Wednesday morning Donald Trump has declared himself the first ever People Magazines Sexiest Time Magazines Person of the Year.
Controversy has surrounded the statement with many claiming that that doesn’t f***ing exist. Donald Trump was quoted saying “It’s real, look it up.”
Google results show no evidence of this award, although “news” outlet Brietbart published an article claiming that the deep state and the liberal-bias of “reality” and “facts” are behind the cover up to slander President Trump and discredit his perfectly legitimate achievement.
“The President is very, very sexy, I assure you. Tremendously sexy, the best sexy, truly phenomenal. ” said a source from the White House who chose to remain anonymous.