ROCHESTER NY – The #MeToo movement has brought sweeping changes and firings in the entertainment industry. However, the music industry has been relatively untouched by the movement. This makes Jack White fan Thomas Clarkson of Greece NY very nervous.

“I am very supportive of the #MeToo movement and I hope all these sex monsters rot in hell,” says Mr. Clarkson.

“But… listen… all I am saying is…. you know… I had Louis C.K. tickets. I don’t want to get screwed over again” Clarkson continued.

Back in 2015, Jack White announced an indefinite hiatus from performing live. Which is why the news that he would be putting out a new album and hitting the road again in 2018 blew his fans away.

But what was even more surprising was that White would be making a stop at the Dome Arena in Henrietta in June.

“I am not implying Jack White has done anything wrong, by any means he seems like a really good guy” Clarkson stammered. “I mean, wasn’t he banging his sister or something in the White Stripes?”

This long standing rumor is of course false. Meg White, the drummer of the now defunct band was not his sister. She was his wife and Jack took his wife’s surname.

It was not until later in his career that Jack White was in a band where he was sleeping with his siblings. That band was The Raconteurs who notably would all make-out on stage with one another after playing ‘Steady, As She Goes.’

Rochester, NY – Well, it’s finally time. George Eastman himself announced in a press conference today that his company Kodak will begin a blockchain development team for KodakCoin. After the announcement, Kodak stock saw an impressive leap in market value. Prompting several Rochester locals to say words that haven’t been uttered in nearly a century. “Kodak doubled it’s value in one day”.

George Eastman left all of his board members in complete shock in the announcement. Not only were they looking at the completely dilapidated, fleshy corpse of George Eastman, that was selectively reanimated for the direct purpose of making the announcement. But the board members were also handed several notebooks titling buzzwords that would ignite the overwhelming rebranding of the company.

First, to gain notoriety and spread the influence of Rochester Pride, Kodak and Eastman will be teaming up with the Genesee Brew House to mint physical representations of the cryptocurrency. Even though minting physical coins completely disregards the purpose of an online blockchain, that still won’t stop the half reanimated corpse, half baboon hearted Eastman from dipping Genesee caps into printer toner to christen the software based currency notes.

There were so many questions that attendees had for Eastman. “How are you here?” For example and “My God, what monster has the devil summoned in front of me?”. Eastman quickly scuffled over these inquiries saying that his company had developed reanimation during their studies of the ‘Lazuras Effect’ in the early ninties. Rather than develop the concept for commercial use, however, Eastman noted that he does not believe the technology will catch on. “About as useful as digital cameras, or mobile phones” said the body.

Instead, Eastman noted the next big ventures for Kodak after they’ve perfected the analog cryptocurrency market. Starting with a straight to DVD Netflix special and a fidget spinner made of a pencil and cement.

The holidays are here and that means it’s time for things like caroling, cookie decorating, giving and getting gifts and of course family. Both with that in mind, every year while out and about during the holidays, hundreds of thousands of grandmas are run over by Reindeer.  Something about the scent of gingerbread and egg nog drives the reindeer insane and stirs them into a grandma attacking frenzy.  So for the safety of your grandmas, here is a list of five helpful holiday tips for keeping your grandma from getting run over by a reindeer.

1.) Help them Cross the Street: I know it’s cliché but now more than ever is the time to bring out your inner Eagle (or Eaglette) Scout and help guide these golden girls from one corner to the next.  It never hurts to have an extra set of eyes when a ravenous reindeer comes charging out of nowhere.

2.) Use a Child Leash: It may seem unconventional but when it comes to saving the life of your beloved grandma, desperate measures must be taken.  Most grandmas tend to wander and that’s nothing a little tug on the leash can’t fix.  You may be thinking that the old child leash you used to use for your kid won’t fit your grandma but in almost every case, grandmas tend to shrink back to their original sizes in their old age and it should fit perfectly.

3.) Get Her a Life Alert: This tip might not help save your grandma from a vicious, holiday season fueled reindeer attack, but it may save her life.  We’ve all seen the commercials. The phrase “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” can’t be said without thinking of the trusted emergency alert system.  Soon you’ll hear grandmas all over shouting “I’ve been brutally gored by a reindeer and my spleen is ruptured!”

4.) Tell Her a You Saw a Middle Eastern Family in the Neighborhood: Let’s face it; grandmas these days grew up in a different time where ignorance was bliss. Many of them have a lingering distaste for anyone appearing to be different from them without any sort of reasonable explanation. Keep your grandma safe with this little white lie about seeing a Middle Eastern Family (or any minority for that matter) in the area and your grandma will be too busy peeking out her blinds with her binoculars to go outside and get mowed down by a reindeer.

5.) Put Her in a Home: This final tip for the holidays is a sure fire way to keep grandma safe and sound for however many years to come she has left (hopefully not too many, these places are expensive!). Park your grandma in a home with all the other grandmas and she’ll be protected by the watchful eye of an underqualified assisted living center employee. She can watch Golden Girls reruns, send you a check for $5 every year on your birthday and tell you the story of how she once met The Rat Pack again when you visit her twice a year.