Tag Archives: theonion

Man dressed as Dracula greatly overestimated positive response he thought he’d receive at Vertex Goth Club

“I thought these people were into vampires? Why all the dirty looks?” cried Scott Morris, 36 of Pittsford, NY. As he waved his cape around rapidly, defeatedly muttering “bleh, bleh!” to himself in an attempt to impress other patrons at the goth nightclub Vertex.

Many of the club goers scoffed and shot judging glares while Scott persisted, as he made several failed attempts to incorporate his cape into what some could describe as “dancing”

“I really thought this would be a hit, I spent $75 on this costume, and the shop said no returns, so I feel like the only thing I can do is just keep coming here, do he think they just don’t get it? Like maybe they don’t realize I’m a Dracula?” said Morris, confoundedly thinking being “a Dracula” was a thing.

Time will tell whether or not the local man’s attempt to become a new member of the scene at Vertex will be successful or not, although the last interaction he had during the night does seem to give us an indication.

“I vant to drink your bud! haha, hi I’m Scott.” he said, to a women at the bar drinking a Budweiser.

He was promptly removed from the bar as literally everyone hoisted him up over their heads and carried him to his vehicle.

Hotel Cadillac Shuts Down Leaving Thousands of Bed Bugs Homeless

The homelessness problem in Rochester has been a long standing issue for the city, an issue that has been made far worse by the announcement that Hotel Cadillac will be shutting down, leaving an estimated 12,000 bed bugs homeless.

The Hotel Cadillac and its harem of beloved bed bugs have been a Rochester staple for years, but as they say, all good, really itchy things must come to an end eventually.

“I have many fond memories of the Hotel Cadillac, and the subsequent infestation of bed bugs that would plague me for months after staying there. It’s sad to see it go.” Said a man who referred to himself only as “Heroin Bob” and offered our reporters a “tug off behind the dumpster for 6 bucks”

(A review of said tug off will be featured in next months “Travel Tips: Where to Find the Best and Worst Dumpster Tug Jobs in Rochester)

Citizens are calling for politicians to do something about this issue.

The head of the Association of Activists for the Homeless and also Bed Bugs for Some Reason (AAHBBSR) had this to say

“We can’t just leave them on the street to die, after all they’ve done for the city? Who amongst us can say that we have not been touched by these beloved creatures? I know I personally had one burrow into my anus, which was an unpleasant yet welcome surprise.”

No word yet on where the bed bugs may be relocated. Many have suggested either funneling them into the 490 hotel or just putting them in Steve’s House.

“Because fuck Steve.”

Where did they get all these pictures of me crying for this Rorschach Test?

No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to figure out how my doctor has gotten so many pictures of me crying for this “Rorschach Test” he keeps giving me. Every time i’ve tried to complain he keeps telling me I should be “committed” but I feel like I’ve been pretty committed to getting to the bottom of this mystery so I don’t really know what he’s talking about. The guys got hundreds of these pictures, he’s even got pictures of my Uncle Jerry who used to wrestle with me all time (naked wrestling too, just like the romans!)

If anyone has any information about this please reach out to me, I was gonna drop it, but he’s started showing me pictures of me having sex with my mom and that crosses the line!

Donald Trump declares himself People Magazines Sexiest Time Magazines Person of the Year

In a tweet released early Wednesday morning Donald Trump has declared himself the first ever People Magazines Sexiest Time Magazines Person of the Year.

Controversy has surrounded the statement with many claiming that that doesn’t fucking exist. Donald Trump was quoted saying “It’s real, look it up.”

Google results show no evidence of this award, although “news” outlet Brietbart published an article claiming that the deep state and the liberal-bias of “reality” and “facts” are behind the cover up to slander President Trump and discredit his perfectly legitimate achievement.

“The President is very, very sexy, I assure you. Tremendously sexy, the best sexy, truly phenomenal. ” said a source from the White House who chose to remain anonymous.

“Sexual assault awareness awareness month” launched for men upset that they are now becoming aware of sexual assault

With news coming out every day outing various male celebrities who are being exposed for sexual assault, a new campaign has been released to help shine a light on the true victims, men who are bummed out to discover celebrities they like have committed sexual assault.

 

Using the hashtag #NotHim men have come out in droves to spread awareness of the negative effect awareness of sexual assault has caused them.

Twitter user @NotAllMenImANiceGuyISwear63 this Saturday tweeted

“Damn, I really liked the show Louie. Please respect me and my families privacy during this tough time as we deal with this news. #NotHim”

“Where is our ribbon?” Said Ken Kennson, of Pittsford.

“We’re planning a march next month, I think a lot of people have swept this issue under the rug, it’s kind of been an open secret for years now, people don’t understand just how effected we are by hearing about sexual assault on the internet.”

Ken is one of the leaders of the “Guilty until proven innocent” activist group.

“I don’t know, how can we trust all 47 corroborating statements from various women? I think we need to wait until we have all the facts here before we rush to judgment on these claims that have been made for decades.”

 

Americans wait patiently in anticipation of stories of people going blind from the eclipse

Rochester,NY-People around the country are excited to experience a rare opportunity to read headlines about people going blind from looking at the solar eclipse.

“Usually when someone goes blind, it’s for a really boring reason! I told my kids to really soak it in and remember where they were when they first heard news of someone going blind from looking at the eclipse, they won’t get a chance to see it again for decades!”

Said Tammy Johnson, mother of four, as she put on the paper glasses that protect you from going blind that you can literally get for free at the library.

It goes without saying that we are all looking forward to this incredible chance to witness human stupidity in all its glory.