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Webster Man Uses Voice Software in GPS-Enabled Truck to Tweet His Worries About Vaccine Microchips

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Webster, NY – Dave Carter has had a rough week. He had to remove all his MAGA and “F*** Your Feelings” yard signs after Joe Biden was confirmed as President-elect and now he’s dealing with anxiety after receiving an email warning him that Bill Gates has inserted microchips into the new COVID-19 vaccine.

“It’s from a source I trust completely. It’s a guy I met on 4chan that also correctly predicted that Joe Biden would buy voting ballots from Al Qaeda and dump them into the elections in exchange for supplying his son with a copious amount of designer drugs,” says Carter.

Afraid that all his “cuck libtard” family members will make the mistake of getting the vaccine, Carter issued a tweet through the voice recognition software in his new Ford F250, which he’s given full access to his phone’s files and contacts, to let everyone know that Pfizer is up to no good.

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Penfield Resident Recalls the Trauma of Seeing Panhandler on First Visit to the City

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Rochester, NY – On an unsuspecting Thursday evening, Mark Smith, life-long Penfield resident made his first trip to the city and was willing to sit down with the Inner Loop Blog to recall the horror.

“My wife Margaret and I had just picked up take-out dinner from the Revelry when we stopped at a red light. It was yellow and I slowed down, I obey the rules of the road but now in hindsight I wish I hadn’t. As we’re sitting at the light a..a..I don’t know, a person approached our car with their hand out. I said ‘Margaret, don’t move a muscle. They’re like T-rex’s, if you don’t move they can’t see you’ He tapped on my window and said something about a container of food sitting on top of my car, that he wasn’t asking for money just didn’t want my meal to get ruined, ya know what I’m not sure what he said. I just know that when that light turned green I hit the gas. Sure, our meal was ruined but I had to get out of there! Not sure I’ll be returning to the city any time soon.

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Man dressed as Dracula greatly overestimated positive response he thought he’d receive at Vertex Goth Club

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“I thought these people were into vampires? Why all the dirty looks?” cried Scott Morris, 36 of Pittsford, NY. As he waved his cape around rapidly, defeatedly muttering “bleh, bleh!” to himself in an attempt to impress other patrons at the goth nightclub Vertex.

Many of the club goers scoffed and shot judging glares while Scott persisted, as he made several failed attempts to incorporate his cape into what some could describe as “dancing”

“I really thought this would be a hit, I spent $75 on this costume, and the shop said no returns, so I feel like the only thing I can do is just keep coming here, do he think they just don’t get it? Like maybe they don’t realize I’m a Dracula?” said Morris, confoundedly thinking being “a Dracula” was a thing.

Time will tell whether or not the local man’s attempt to become a new member of the scene at Vertex will be successful or not, although the last interaction he had during the night does seem to give us an indication.

“I vant to drink your bud! haha, hi I’m Scott.” he said, to a women at the bar drinking a Budweiser.

He was promptly removed from the bar as literally everyone hoisted him up over their heads and carried him to his vehicle.

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Bruises & PTSD at Wholesale Prices: Chaos at Sam’s Club Going-Out-Business Sale

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ROCHESTER, NY – When Sam’s Club abruptly closed 63 stores nationwide and announced sweeping layoffs, many customers were angered. However, many more customers knew this would be an opportunity to let their cheap flag fly because the pending going out of business sale would be “Dope.”

Locally, the Sam’s Club stores in Greece and Henrietta will be shut down permanently, and Rochester’s chintziest members are lining up in droves to pick at the carcass of the Wholesale supplier before it’s official mercy killing on January 26.

During peak shopping times, it’s estimated that the line to get into Rochester’s Hottest New Club will cost you 90 minutes of your life to get

“I had to fight a few elderly women, but I was able to walk away with a months worth of toilet paper for only $28” says Cindy Borglish who was loading 10 bulk packages of TP into her Ford Fiesta.

We crunched the numbers, with 36 rolls coming to a package, that means Ms. Borglish is basically telling us she uses 360 rolls of toilet paper a month? Is she running a commune or is she taking the world’s worst dumps? We will write a follow-up soon because clearly, this is the bigger story.

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SPECTRUM CEO VANQUISHES TIME WARNER CABLE DEMON!

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Rochester N.Y. – The people of Rochester have lived in the shadow of a vicious hell beast for too long.  For years, the tyranny of Time Warner Cable has imprisoned us and a dark cloud of fear and hate has covered the city.  But no longer will we live in terror, for it is a new day. Spectrum Cable President and CEO, Tom Rutledge, has vanquished the Time Warner Cable Demon.

Armed with only his mighty sword Dáinsleif, the lost sword of King Högni, and his own strength and determination, Rutledge stormed the castle walls to the lair of the beast.  Determined to cast Time Warner Cable back to the bowels of hell from whence it came, Rutledge the Mighty fought tooth and nail to bring peace to Upstate New York.  The battle raged on, some say for days, others for weeks. In the chaos of the fight, Rutledge raised his mighty sword high above his head; a bolt of lightning struck the blade.  In one fell swoop, Rutledge thrust his sword through the heart of the beast. Its villainous core erupted with black smoke and the Time Warner Cable Demon wailed in agony as its ashen blood poured from its unhealable wound.

“Back, back to hell you go, I command it!” bellowed Tom, “you’ll do know more evil here, set your customers free from the curse of your unfair rates and insane contract stipulations!!!” And with speed of Spectrum’s lightning quick internet, Rutledge swung his sword one last time, lopping the head of the beast completely off of his body. It was done, the fiery clouds cleared, beams of sunshine broke through.  The murky, grim waters of the Genesee ran crystal clear once again and at last, Time Warner Cable had fallen. Our hero, Tom Rutledge, President and CEO of Spectrum Cable, hobbled his way to the town square to meet the people waiting for him and in triumph, raised the head of the demon high in the air and yelled, “IT’S A NEW DAY!”

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Irondequoit Preparing For Tornado For Years By Always Looking Like Trash

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Rochester,NY-  News has just spread that a potential tornado could be headed into the Rochester area. Many are seeking shelter, going to Wegmans to prepare for the inevitable power outage. Many towns are taking action, closing off the streets, making sure that they can minimize damage. Yet one town has already been taking action, Irondequoit has known for years of the tornado about to touchdown and has made sure that their town has always looked like a tornado hit it. We spoke with the town supervisor to see how it feels to be ahead of the game.

” You know, Irondequoit usually doesn’t do many things right, but I really think we’ve nailed it. Finally after so many years of people doubting our intentions and thinking we were crazy and a tornado was never coming, we know now that our intentions were pure and the non-believers will now bow down to us in awe of our amazing ability to predict the future! Also, we can’t really afford any sort of clean up crew, so that also helps with this situation.”

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Rochester Airport Employees To Start Sucker Punching Passengers At Will

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Rochester,NY- Due to the now nationally known incident at United Airlines, Rochester Airport has now decided to jump on the bandwagon and has given their employees full permission to sucker punch any person on an airplane for no reason whatsoever. This decision was made to really let people know that the Rochester airport is not just some “safe place” where nothing really happens and just kind of lame. This is a new campaign to show the Rochester airport can be dangerous and news worthy! We spoke with Adrian Schultz a flight attendant for the Rochester airport for over twenty years to see how she’s taking the news.

” When it was first announced, I was skeptical, but now I feel so empowered! The other day this older man was just asking me if we had sparkling water and I hit him so hard in the mouth he swallowed his dentures! Who knew punching complete strangers could be so freeing! I love sneaking up on people who are trying to nap and punching them right in their naive little ears. I heard we get a nice little bonus if it’s a person of color! I love working here!”

Rochester airport has declined to respond if they are offering a christmas bonus for yelling the most racial slurs while passengers are boarding their flight.

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5 Signs You’re listening To 98.9 The Buzz Morning Show

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Rochester,NY- It’s the crack of dawn, you’re getting into your morning routine. You grab some breakfast,  you wait in the Dunkin donuts drive thru. It’s a good morning, yet something happens. You turn on your radio just hoping to maybe dial in to a throwback 80’s tune or maybe some of that new age rock stuff your kids tell you about. You hear voices, you start to cringe, your hands start to shake. What am I listening to and will it ever stop? Chances are you’re listening to the Buzz Morning Show. Just to be sure you’re not going crazy, here at the Inner Loop, we have crafted a list of five signs you are listening to the Buzz Morning show so you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into.

 

1) Your Ears Start To Bleed- As you’re listening to Chris Konya try to describe what he ate this past weekend, you can’t help but notice the slow drips of blood streaming out of your ears, you feel trapped. You dont want to listen, but yet you can’t dare change the station.

2) Scott Spezzano Mentions He’s Old Every Twenty Minutes- If Scott’s not promoting some event where you pet puppies or shave your head, he is definitely going to be talking about how old he’s getting, or his kids, or how he’s getting old and old. Why are we still listening?

3) Chris Konya Will Talk About “This Is Us”- Usually about five minutes into the program Chris will start asking you if you cried at the last episode of This Is Us, which you have no idea what the f*** that show is and why you should care?

4) Chris Konya Will Start Taking Calls To Talk About “This is Us”- Did we mention Chris loves “This Is Us”. Now he’ll start taking callers opinions about the episode the night before or how “relatable” the show is. Yet again, we know this is supposed to be a local radio show, but it seems Chris Konya has a massive erection for “This Is Us”.

5) Chris Konya Still Won’t Shut The F*** Up About “This Is Us”- I know, I know. When will they start playing mediocre music and just shut up about this show already. At this point we recommend you just let go of your steering wheel and let the lord above take you off the road as you listen to Chris Konya breakdown each episode of “This Is Us’ in painstaking detail that makes you wonder if God does exist and when will he strike down the Buzz Morning Show.

 

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Rochester To Return To Normal State Of Chaos, Instead Of Windy State Of Chaos

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Rochester, NY- A storm like no other came through Rochester last week. Trees crashed on top of cars, power lines were going down left and right. Chaos ran the streets of Rochester. The 81 miles per hour wind came in and nearly decimated our beautiful city. Luckily, this has passed. As it stands now most of Rochester has power and everything has now returned to its normal state of chaos. We spoke with a local resident to see how he’s handling the nice return to Rochester’s perpetual normal state of chaos.

” I’m so grateful for those winds to finally have calmed down, I’ll tell yah it was getting pretty scary. Now I can walk down the streets without the fear of a tree falling on me and just get back to avoiding eye contact with the uncomfortable amount of homeless people on the streets. I saw an entire roof get blown off during the storm, scary stuff. It’s nice to just go back to being racially profiled on a regular Rochester afternoon.”