Webster, NY – Dave Carter has had a rough week. He had to remove all his MAGA and “F*** Your Feelings” yard signs after Joe Biden was confirmed as President-elect and now he’s dealing with anxiety after receiving an email warning him that Bill Gates has inserted microchips into the new COVID-19 vaccine.
“It’s from a source I trust completely. It’s a guy I met on 4chan that also correctly predicted that Joe Biden would buy voting ballots from Al Qaeda and dump them into the elections in exchange for supplying his son with a copious amount of designer drugs,” says Carter.
Afraid that all his “cuck libtard” family members will make the mistake of getting the vaccine, Carter issued a tweet through the voice recognition software in his new Ford F250, which he’s given full access to his phone’s files and contacts, to let everyone know that Pfizer is up to no good.
ROCHESTER NY – You might want to get your spot in line for the first Public Market Food Truck Rodeo today!
Tide announced that they will be rolling out the world’s first Tide Pod Food Truck right here in Rochester, NY.
Inspired by the Viral Tide Pod Challenge where millennials go on Youboob, Myface, or Whatevertheshit, to share a video of themselves eating the mysteriously delicious looking laundry packs, the company has decided to “lean in.”
“At first we told them not to eat them. We even got Rob Gronkowski to tell them to stop. But it only made them eat more. So we just said screw it, if they’re going to put them in their mouth, we might as well capitalize” said Johnathon Proctor.
When we asked the Proctor and Gamble subsidiary if the Pods (Known on the street as Tropical Raviolis) they will serve out of the food truck will be safe, they shrugged and told us “does it even matter.”
ROCHESTER, NY – KodakCoin, Kashminers, Blockchain, Cryptocurrency, are just a few of the words being thrown around Rochester this week after one of the cities namesake companies announced they were creating their own bitcoin.
“I have no idea what bitcoin is but I heard it gets you rich, so I am going all-in,” said Bob Lewis, a former Kodak employee who was laid-off in the late 90s.
Mr. Lewis is just one of the many former Kodak employees hoping to cash in on the film companies announcement that has made their stocks nearly triple.
“When they laid me off, I lost everything, but there is no way this can happen again right? They say lightning doesn’t strike twice so there’s no way bankruptcy can strike twice too right!” said the laid-off Kodak worker. He’s planning to remortgage his house to pay for the rental fees required to use the Kodak Kashminer to mine Kodakcoin.
A decision that is both confusing and in no way will ever actually work.
We asked our youngest Innerloop employee what the f*** bitcoin is, and how it works, and she told us “please stop assuming because I am young that I understand any new technology thing.”