ROCHESTER, NY – Getting no headway fundraising for their defunct soccer franchise, David and Wendy Dworkin decided the only way they could revive their business venture was by converting the business into a beloved pizza franchise.
“Listen, we can’t expect to get fans out to watch amateur soccer on a regular basis. It’s just not realistic. But getting a lower middle-class family in East Rochester to order a deep dish cheeseburger pizza, now that’s amorè.”
ROCHESTER, NY – This week all five of Papa John’s Rochester locations closed and in one last “F** YOU” to their loyal customers they dumped the entirety of their Garlic Butter Sauce reserves into the Genesee River.
Stanley Yelnats of the Environmental Protection Agency Rochester Division told InnerLoopBlog.com “this will have a major impact on or fish and wildlife…. A MAJORLY TASTY IMPACT!” He proceeded to bite into the belly of a fish just like that one scene with smeagol in Lord of the Rings. “Everything taste like Garlic Butter now! This is will be a new Renaissance for Rochester!”
The City of Rochester is already planning close the dam permanently and allow all residents to scoop out as much of the golden goodness as their arteries can take. “This is a game changer for the annual Taste Of Rochester event! We can just dip our Chicken Fingers right in the River!” said Event Coordinator Stacey Borgen.
When we reached out to Papa John’s for comment the sent back that picture of Drunk Papa John and a notice that the company has officially changed their slogan to “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza, Better GTFO of Rochester!”
Rochester, NY – Rapper/Hypeman Flavor Flav weighed in on the battle between Tops and Wegmans while performing in Rochester last night. The Public Enemy star threw his vote behind Tops, in a mostly inaudible but full throated endorsement, as best grocery store in the area with his main point being that, “they don’t care if you smoke in there”.
The concert took place last night to a raucous crowd of mostly wait staff in Ball Room 3B of The Diplomat Party house in Gates. That’s where Flavor Flav put his full support behind the bankrupt super market stating that, “you can get 10 pop-tarts for 10 bucks in that motha f***a… and the flavor flaaaaaaaaaav ain’t bad neither.”
“He was kind of in an out of consciousness throughout the entire night,” explained Stacy Benson who attended last night’s concert with her family. “A lot about how the lettuce is really old and it reminded him of ‘Dat ass on Delicious’”.
At press time reports show that Webster grocery store Hegedorns has been in talks with DMX and The Ruff Ryders about a possible endorsement deal for their Spring quarter.
ROCHESTER NY – You might want to get your spot in line for the first Public Market Food Truck Rodeo today!
Tide announced that they will be rolling out the world’s first Tide Pod Food Truck right here in Rochester, NY.
Inspired by the Viral Tide Pod Challenge where millennials go on Youboob, Myface, or Whatevertheshit, to share a video of themselves eating the mysteriously delicious looking laundry packs, the company has decided to “lean in.”
“At first we told them not to eat them. We even got Rob Gronkowski to tell them to stop. But it only made them eat more. So we just said screw it, if they’re going to put them in their mouth, we might as well capitalize” said Johnathon Proctor.
When we asked the Proctor and Gamble subsidiary if the Pods (Known on the street as Tropical Raviolis) they will serve out of the food truck will be safe, they shrugged and told us “does it even matter.”
Rochester, NY- Nick Tahou’s is the place where it all happens. Its been all over the news, its known nationwide for its famous garbage plate’s. You’re friends love it, your co-workers love it and even that bitch step mom of yours loves it. Yet, there’s always this feeling you can’t shake when you’re in there. Maybe its the decor or the smell of greasy soul sucking food sneaking its way into your nostrils. You cant help but have this sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach…is Nick Tahou’s actually a homeless shelter? We’ve been doing some investigating and we have all the signs you need to realize that your favorite 2am hangout spot, is actually a refuge for the homeless people you could give two shits about.
- It’s homeless Pete’s favorite hangout spot- Everybody loves homeless Pete! Who wouldn’t! He laughs, he sings and he’s survived 3 winters in Rochester! Yet, every time you’re at Nick Tahou’s, homeless Pete is always hanging in the same corner smoking a cigarette and throwing half filled red bull cans into his garbage can fire pit. Sure, everybody is welcome at Nick Tahou’s, but why the homeless?
- Every booth is covered by tarps- Sure, you’re drunk, but you’re not an idiot. You know those tarps aren’t there for a leak in the roof. The homeless never feel safe from rain and they will always put tarps up no matter where there at. It’s just who they are. When you ask the older looking teenager behind the counter whats going on, he ask you if you want to donate blood.
- The garbage plate has been replaced by morphine– I’m all for change and improving on things, but when I’m shit faced at 9am, I want a nice hot garbage plate right in front of my face. Not some judgmental nun telling me that I need to calm down or else I’m going to bleed to death, what kind of country is she trying to run?
- Someone is always offering a hand job- Maybe this isn’t something to complain about, but can’t a guy just eat some food in peace without some weirdo offering him a handjob? I dont have 5 bucks to spare, but I have 1 can of 4loco left in my backpack, isnt that good enough for a hand job?
- The police say this is part of the court order– Your halfway down the street, you can almost taste sweet freedom, sure that weird bracelet on your ankle wont shut the f*** up, but who cares! Then the police pull up and take out their shiny bullet launchers and drag you back to Nick Tahou’s. “If you leave again, you’ll spend time in the pen.” they say.
I know its only 1986 but Nick tahou’s has really changed. I remember the days when a regular guy like myself could grab a garbage plate and be on his way. If you like being verbally abused and the smell of homeless people, then by all means go to Nick Tahou’s, but if you’re a sane time traveling being like myself, you’ll go down the street to dogtown.
Rochester Mayor Lovely Warren presented Kevin Hannon with the key to the city for what is being called an act of heroism during a ceremony at 1 p.m. on Friday.
“That man saved my life.” said 22 year old Chad Dartmouth as he chain smoked cigarettes outside of his subsidized apartment building. “I don’t know if I would be here if not for what he did for me that night.”
Witnesses say that on March 14th, after what was touted as “the best night ever, I love you guys you are my best friends man, I love you.” by Hannons best friend Chris Snyder, Hannon suggested that the group visit Nick Tahous for garbage plates, to sober up so that they could drive home.
“I’m good to drive man, I just need to get some food in me, ya know.” said Hannon, in what Warren on Friday referred to as “a sign of what the residence of this City can do when faced with adversity.”
“It’s a huge honor, I’m glad to finally be recognized for what I truly am; a hero.” said Hannon, still hungover from the post-ceremony festivities.
No word yet on whether or not President Obama will fly in to Rochester to meet with Hannon.
Rochester, NY- Shaking her head in despair, Jessica Kindel looks at her bank account on her iPhone, she just doesn’t understand why she’s broke all the time. “It seems that whenever my friends want to go out, I can never go!” she said as she finished her 15 dollar box of gluten-free Cheetos.
Jessica has been a strictly gluten-free shopper since 2008, “I know a lot of my friends thought I was crazy for making such a drastic change to my lifestyle, but they just don’t understand how gluten affects me.” When asked how gluten effected her she replied ” I don’t know, but I know it’s not good.”
Jessica admitted to us that she understood the risk of never really enjoying life again or expendable cash once she switched to a completely gluten-free diet, but she knows that it’s a commitment she needs to stick to or else her friends will just think its a phase. “My friends are always talking about money as if they only don’t spend it on food, how can anybody really afford anything else but food?” Jessica said
We followed Jessica around as she was shopping at a local Trader Joes. Jessica’s phone started to buzz, “Moments like this are the toughest.” Jessica said. “My friends just asked me if I want to come over for a board game night, but I know I’m going to spend at least 20 minutes deciding if I want the 13 dollar jar of peanut butter or the 15 dollar one and then I have to go home and try to convince my boyfriend that I actually have a gluten-free allergy.”
Jessica put her phone on silent and continued down the gluten-free aisle of Trader Joes, never to be heard from again.
It’s two in the morning, you climb up your ladder into your favorite crawl space and you start to unwind from a long day at work, as you take off your clothes and head into your sleeping bag, you hear a familiar sound coming from below you, “Would you like to do our two for twenty tonight? The mozzarella sticks are my favorite”. Those thoughts start to flow through your head again and you start thinking to yourself. Am I living above an Applebees? We’ve all been there and sadly we didn’t see the signs until it was too late. Well I’m here to help you identify this issue before it destroys your life. Here are five signs that you may be living in a crawl space above an Applebees.
1. The trash is filled with chicken penne meals You’re on your usual garbage run to find dinner and you can’t stop but notice all these f***ing chicken penne meals filling up your trash. Thats a good sign you may be living above an Applebees. Applebees is known for their terrible chicken penne meals, so it’s no surprise that people would just dispose of them like any other trash.
2. Your room is lit up by a Wal-Mart sign across the street- While it’s really convenient that you don’t have to use your lanterns to guide yourself through your crawl space, you’ve always felt a bit uneasy by the bright blue lights of Wal-Mart. Applebees always tend to not stray too far from a local Wal-Mart. Applebees and Walmart usually go hand in hand for a “Family night out” for local suburbanite fathers who hate their lives.
3. You can always hear Steve and Tina arguing– You’re trying to eat your usual can of pork n beans and you hear it. Steve and Tina arguing over half price appetizers again. Every week they come and Tina wants the grilled chicken wonton tacos and Steve really wants boneless wings and they always can’t decide. We know this argument isn’t about half price appetizers and more that their just uncertain about where their relationship is headed and insecurities being shown in a below par restaurant.
4. Your police scanner picks up eighties songs– It’s just another Tuesday night and you’re relaxing listening to the local crime station to see if anyone has found out where you live and if your parents even care anymore and all of sudden, carry on my wayward son starts blasting through your scanner! Applebees loves to shove poorly made music down the ear holes of their customers.
5. Your mother and father keep telling you to come home and stop living above an Applebees– You’re annoying parents who never listened to you and always put everything in their life above you wont stop bothering you to come down from the crawl space above Applebees and return to normal life and maybe if you just took your medication these kind of incidents wont happen anymore and we won’t be known as the “Strange” family in town anymore..
These signs are not guarantees you’re living in a crawl space above Applebees, but I’ve used my knowledge of living in various crawl spaces over the years to help you on your journey to a better life!