ROCHESTER, NY – Getting no headway fundraising for their defunct soccer franchise, David and Wendy Dworkin decided the only way they could revive their business venture was by converting the business into a beloved pizza franchise.
“Listen, we can’t expect to get fans out to watch amateur soccer on a regular basis. It’s just not realistic. But getting a lower middle-class family in East Rochester to order a deep dish cheeseburger pizza, now that’s amorè.”
ROCHESTER, NY – This week all five of Papa John’s Rochester locations closed and in one last “F** YOU” to their loyal customers they dumped the entirety of their Garlic Butter Sauce reserves into the Genesee River.
Stanley Yelnats of the Environmental Protection Agency Rochester Division told InnerLoopBlog.com “this will have a major impact on or fish and wildlife…. A MAJORLY TASTY IMPACT!” He proceeded to bite into the belly of a fish just like that one scene with smeagol in Lord of the Rings. “Everything taste like Garlic Butter now! This is will be a new Renaissance for Rochester!”
The City of Rochester is already planning close the dam permanently and allow all residents to scoop out as much of the golden goodness as their arteries can take. “This is a game changer for the annual Taste Of Rochester event! We can just dip our Chicken Fingers right in the River!” said Event Coordinator Stacey Borgen.
When we reached out to Papa John’s for comment the sent back that picture of Drunk Papa John and a notice that the company has officially changed their slogan to “Better Ingredients, Better Pizza, Better GTFO of Rochester!”
Rochester, NY – Rapper/Hypeman Flavor Flav weighed in on the battle between Tops and Wegmans while performing in Rochester last night. The Public Enemy star threw his vote behind Tops, in a mostly inaudible but full throated endorsement, as best grocery store in the area with his main point being that, “they don’t care if you smoke in there”.
The concert took place last night to a raucous crowd of mostly wait staff in Ball Room 3B of The Diplomat Party house in Gates. That’s where Flavor Flav put his full support behind the bankrupt super market stating that, “you can get 10 pop-tarts for 10 bucks in that motha f***a… and the flavor flaaaaaaaaaav ain’t bad neither.”
“He was kind of in an out of consciousness throughout the entire night,” explained Stacy Benson who attended last night’s concert with her family. “A lot about how the lettuce is really old and it reminded him of ‘Dat ass on Delicious’”.
At press time reports show that Webster grocery store Hegedorns has been in talks with DMX and The Ruff Ryders about a possible endorsement deal for their Spring quarter.
ROCHESTER NY – You might want to get your spot in line for the first Public Market Food Truck Rodeo today!
Tide announced that they will be rolling out the world’s first Tide Pod Food Truck right here in Rochester, NY.
Inspired by the Viral Tide Pod Challenge where millennials go on Youboob, Myface, or Whatevertheshit, to share a video of themselves eating the mysteriously delicious looking laundry packs, the company has decided to “lean in.”
“At first we told them not to eat them. We even got Rob Gronkowski to tell them to stop. But it only made them eat more. So we just said screw it, if they’re going to put them in their mouth, we might as well capitalize” said Johnathon Proctor.
When we asked the Proctor and Gamble subsidiary if the Pods (Known on the street as Tropical Raviolis) they will serve out of the food truck will be safe, they shrugged and told us “does it even matter.”
Rochester Mayor Lovely Warren presented Kevin Hannon with the key to the city for what is being called an act of heroism during a ceremony at 1 p.m. on Friday.
“That man saved my life.” said 22 year old Chad Dartmouth as he chain smoked cigarettes outside of his subsidized apartment building. “I don’t know if I would be here if not for what he did for me that night.”
Witnesses say that on March 14th, after what was touted as “the best night ever, I love you guys you are my best friends man, I love you.” by Hannons best friend Chris Snyder, Hannon suggested that the group visit Nick Tahous for garbage plates, to sober up so that they could drive home.
“I’m good to drive man, I just need to get some food in me, ya know.” said Hannon, in what Warren on Friday referred to as “a sign of what the residence of this City can do when faced with adversity.”
“It’s a huge honor, I’m glad to finally be recognized for what I truly am; a hero.” said Hannon, still hungover from the post-ceremony festivities.
No word yet on whether or not President Obama will fly in to Rochester to meet with Hannon.
