Tag Archives: trump

Donald Trump declares himself People Magazines Sexiest Time Magazines Person of the Year

In a tweet released early Wednesday morning Donald Trump has declared himself the first ever People Magazines Sexiest Time Magazines Person of the Year.

Controversy has surrounded the statement with many claiming that that doesn’t fucking exist. Donald Trump was quoted saying “It’s real, look it up.”

Google results show no evidence of this award, although “news” outlet Brietbart published an article claiming that the deep state and the liberal-bias of “reality” and “facts” are behind the cover up to slander President Trump and discredit his perfectly legitimate achievement.

“The President is very, very sexy, I assure you. Tremendously sexy, the best sexy, truly phenomenal. ” said a source from the White House who chose to remain anonymous.

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Argument Over Trump Dies Before Easter Dinner, Rises Again Three Hours Later

Rochester,NY- The Northrup family was planning on having a very nice Easter dinner. The table was set, the food was just about to laid out on the table and people were hungry.  Yet, Uncle David just couldn’t help but bring up the Syria attacks and how President Trump is one of the last great remnants of America. Chaos further ensued, the family broke off into an all out Biblical war, shame and guilt were the primary weapons in this battle of politics. Luckily, Brenda Northrup was able to settle the chaos right before dinner was about to be served.

Yet something was brewing during dinner, something that couldn’t be explained. Even though the discussion was crucified and put to rest in a deep dark place, you could feel something brewing amongst the family. Little Joey in the corner spoke of how he just knew that this conversation wasnt done just yet, his mother scolded him, telling him to stop such nonsense, we all saw this conversation die with our own eyes. There is no way it could possibly come back to life!

Yet, rise from the grave it did! With Uncle Davids last bite into those mashed potatoes, came roaring from life that President Trump is the only real president we’ve had in the past twenty years! Just like that the conversation that was seen put to rest was no alive in front of them performing all sorts of miracles! The plates miraculously rose from their place and hit the wall with an earth shattering sound! The ground shook as the stubbornness of the devout conservative spat his words across the masses with a fire unlike any other seen before its time! This was truly an easter miracle happening in front of the Northrup family. The time for the return was now and they all had front row seats to the miracle of this rebirth.

 

Edit: The Innerloop doesnt believe in God or bunnies.

Argument Over Trump Dies Before Easter Dinner, Rises Again Three Hours Later

Rochester,NY- The Northrup family was planning on having a very nice Easter dinner. The table was set, the food was just about to laid out on the table and people were hungry.  Yet, Uncle David just couldn’t help but bring up the Syria attacks and how President Trump is one of the last great remnants of America. Chaos further ensued, the family broke off into an all out Biblical war, shame and guilt were the primary weapons in this battle of politics. Luckily, Brenda Northrup was able to settle the chaos right before dinner was about to be served.

Yet something was brewing during dinner, something that couldn’t be explained. Even though the discussion was crucified and put to rest in a deep dark place, you could feel something brewing amongst the family. Little Joey in the corner spoke of how he just knew that this conversation wasnt done just yet, his mother scolded him, telling him to stop such nonsense, we all saw this conversation die with our own eyes. There is no way it could possibly come back to life!

Yet, rise from the grave it did! With Uncle Davids last bite into those mashed potatoes, came roaring from life that President Trump is the only real president we’ve had in the past twenty years! Just like that the conversation that was seen put to rest was no alive in front of them performing all sorts of miracles! The plates miraculously rose from their place and hit the wall with an earth shattering sound! The ground shook as the stubbornness of the devout conservative spat his words across the masses with a fire unlike any other seen before its time! This was truly an easter miracle happening in front of the Northrup family. The time for the return was now and they all had front row seats to the miracle of this rebirth.

 

Edit: The Innerloop doesnt believe in God or bunnies.

Uncle Can’t Believe Nephew and Black Boyfriend Didn’t Vote For Trump

Webster, NY – We all knew this turkey day was going to be a challenging one. But our challenges were certainly not met with the same level of difficulty as this small family in Webster NY. Jimmy and Joan Partridge are Webster natives and local racists. They’ve been proudly flying the Trump Pence banner next to a confederate flag on their combination truck bed front porch ever since the president-elect announced his bigoted running mate.

Jimmy Partridge was a level headed working class American that was ready to make America great again. He had seen his way of life undermined and disrespected by the last eight years of ‘tolerance’ and ‘social justice’. But not anymore. Finally people would start paying attention to all of the hard working white men again. To celebrate Jimmy’s new found white male pride, he decided that Thanksgiving day would be at his ‘cottage’ this year. He invited his sister Janice, her son Conor, and her sons fiance Marcus. Although Jimmy does not believe that gay people should get married because it ruins the sanctity of marriage, he and his third wife agree that family is family, and that’s all that matters.

“I was just so happy to have all my family and the people I love around me for Thanksgiving. It’s such a surreal feeling that finally my people will no longer feel marginalized or disrespected,” Partridge said, as he lowered the volume on the Dakota Access Pipeline news story that was happening behind him. “For years I’ve felt like every other group of people has just been given all of these handouts. Free meals and good fortune while I’ve been working for minimum wage. I can barely afford my 2 cartons of cigarettes a week. I’ve been grateful that my 1997 Ford Truck gets 12 miles to the gallon, or else I don’t know how we would’ve survived.”

Jimmy went on to recount his terror when his nephew Conor told him that he and his fiance voted for Hillary. Conor had this to say, “Well I’m upset because I voted for Bernie in the primaries and was definitely not looking forward to voting for Hillary. But Trump seems like such a vapid manipulative megalomaniac that I am still sort of in shock that he won. Even though Hillary did win the popular vote by nearly 2 million votes, I suppose that we as Americans have to come together and try to bond over the next 4 years as well as we can. All we have is each other, you know. I really feel like President Obama did a wonderful job opening up real conversation and discourse so we might be able to continue the conversation of tolerance, even while we have such an opaque figure head leading our country.”

“What a crock of bullshit,” Jimmy went on to say. “To think that I let that ungrateful nobody into my home and fed him my turkey. I don’t have anyone in my family that voted for Killary.” Jimmy then took off his shirt to reveal a swastika tattoo, began to point at his nephew and say “Do you know what this means? Not Welcome.”

 

 

7 Reasons You’re Voting For Trump

So you’re voting for Syracuse Orange mascot doppelganger Donald Trump, good for you! I personally disagree with your very bad decision but let’s talk about why you came to this incredibly awful conclusion.

  1. You have never taken responsibility for anything you’ve done wrong in your entire life! – What could you, protagonist of the universe, have possibly done to cause yourself any problems? Clearly you ended up in multiple failed marriages because food stamp recipients are using their funds on lobster and crack cocaine.

  2. Your dominant personality trait is being a racist – Whether it be comparing the president to a primate or using the term “towelhead” on a regular basis, you’re always prepared to make a group of people uncomfortable with your strong disdain for anyone who does not share your skin color. Friends know you as “that racist piece of shit who isn’t my friend.”
  3. You own a small dog – Trump has small hands, his fans love small dogs. Small dogs are often angry for no reason and their high pitched barking is similar to the noises heard at Trump rallies.
  4. You’re doing it as a joke – Ah it’s you, mister irony! Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we elected the guy capable of turning our country into a third world hell hole? Oh my god what funny satire! Voting for a hateful bigot with no plan and a boner for building walls is Louis CK levels of comedic gold there buddy!
  5. Someone offered you sex in exchange for a Trump vote – Listen I get it, you were horny and Tinder hasn’t been working out for you. You got weak. You called 1-800-FUCK-4-TRUMP. It’s up to you to make better decisions in 2020, if there is a 2020 after Donald triggers a nuclear apocalypse by calling Putin’s wife a fugly skank.
  6. You’ve been transferred here from an alternate reality where Donald Trump is a well spoken philanthropist whose fundraisers have raised millions to find cures for all major diseases – It must be very confusing to see the man you so revered being such an asshole. How can the guy who saved 1000 abused animals from being euthanized be such a monster? I don’t know, I would invest more time in finding a way back with Doc Brown.
  7. You’re Donald Trump – Why are you running? Ha ha okay you win we’re a bunch of dumbasses and we let the joke go too far. Please stop, we’re scared and we just want to be let out of the haunted house that is this election season. Please. Leave America alon