So you’re voting for Syracuse Orange mascot doppelganger Donald Trump, good for you! I personally disagree with your very bad decision but let’s talk about why you came to this incredibly awful conclusion.
- You have never taken responsibility for anything you’ve done wrong in your entire life! – What could you, protagonist of the universe, have possibly done to cause yourself any problems? Clearly you ended up in multiple failed marriages because food stamp recipients are using their funds on lobster and crack cocaine.
- Your dominant personality trait is being a racist – Whether it be comparing the president to a primate or using the term “towelhead” on a regular basis, you’re always prepared to make a group of people uncomfortable with your strong disdain for anyone who does not share your skin color. Friends know you as “that racist piece of shit who isn’t my friend.”
- You own a small dog – Trump has small hands, his fans love small dogs. Small dogs are often angry for no reason and their high pitched barking is similar to the noises heard at Trump rallies.
- You’re doing it as a joke – Ah it’s you, mister irony! Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we elected the guy capable of turning our country into a third world hell hole? Oh my god what funny satire! Voting for a hateful bigot with no plan and a boner for building walls is Louis CK levels of comedic gold there buddy!
- Someone offered you sex in exchange for a Trump vote – Listen I get it, you were horny and Tinder hasn’t been working out for you. You got weak. You called 1-800-F***-4-TRUMP. It’s up to you to make better decisions in 2020, if there is a 2020 after Donald triggers a nuclear apocalypse by calling Putin’s wife a fugly skank.
- You’ve been transferred here from an alternate reality where Donald Trump is a well spoken philanthropist whose fundraisers have raised millions to find cures for all major diseases – It must be very confusing to see the man you so revered being such an asshole. How can the guy who saved 1000 abused animals from being euthanized be such a monster? I don’t know, I would invest more time in finding a way back with Doc Brown.
- You’re Donald Trump – Why are you running? Ha ha okay you win we’re a bunch of dumbasses and we let the joke go too far. Please stop, we’re scared and we just want to be let out of the haunted house that is this election season. Please. Leave America alon