Buffalo, NY – The Buffalo Bills came away with an exciting 13-7 win on Sunday over the Indianapolis Colts. The Bills toughed out some of the harshest weather the NFL has seen all year during the game, in which almost 18 inches of snow falling on New Era Field throughout the contest.
Despite the weather, thousands of Western New Yorkers showed their pride and turned out for the blustery ball game to cheer on their beloved Buffalo Bills. Although temperatures reached below freezing during the game, the thick layers provided by warm pierogis, copious amounts of alcohol and 90’s Bill’s Starter Jackets seemed to be enough to keep the fans going. Until the end of the game, after the field had cleared and the stadium’s facility management crew took to the stands to clean up. The crew was shocked to find hundreds of frozen corpses of Buffalo’s diehard fan base.
“We were kind of surprised when we got working on snow removal to find people still at the game,” said one crew member. “After we shouted in their faces a bit and poked a couple with our shovels, it was pretty clear that these fans were dead.”
With only one home game left in the season and a chance at the playoffs looking bleak, the Bill’s front office has been faced with an issue of selling tickets and packing the stands. After news of the bodies being found in the stands came out, team owners Terry and Kim Pegula couldn’t have been more ecstatic and have decided to leave the human popsicles in their final resting places for one more game.
“It’s what they would have wanted,” said Kim Pegula, “besides, these people are dead. So fuck it, who cares?” Now faced with the final home game of the season next week Terry Pegula says “now is not the time to pass on good business opportunities.”
“We’ve already got a quarter of the stands filled for a game I couldn’t even pay people to go to. We’ll just bill the families of the frozen deceased for the tickets later.”
The Bill’s front office is happy to have such a dedicated fan base. With the support of the blue collar, and now blue faced, fans from the Rustbelt mean everything. A source close to the front office was available for comment saying, “We can only hope that one day the fans that froze to death on December 10th 2017 can be thawed out and reanimated so they can one day cheer on the Buffalo Bills again. Maybe we’ll even have had a playoff birth for them to wake up to.”