The holidays are here and that means it’s time for things like caroling, cookie decorating, giving and getting gifts and of course family. Both with that in mind, every year while out and about during the holidays, hundreds of thousands of grandmas are run over by Reindeer.  Something about the scent of gingerbread and egg nog drives the reindeer insane and stirs them into a grandma attacking frenzy.  So for the safety of your grandmas, here is a list of five helpful holiday tips for keeping your grandma from getting run over by a reindeer.

1.) Help them Cross the Street: I know it’s cliché but now more than ever is the time to bring out your inner Eagle (or Eaglette) Scout and help guide these golden girls from one corner to the next.  It never hurts to have an extra set of eyes when a ravenous reindeer comes charging out of nowhere.

2.) Use a Child Leash: It may seem unconventional but when it comes to saving the life of your beloved grandma, desperate measures must be taken.  Most grandmas tend to wander and that’s nothing a little tug on the leash can’t fix.  You may be thinking that the old child leash you used to use for your kid won’t fit your grandma but in almost every case, grandmas tend to shrink back to their original sizes in their old age and it should fit perfectly.

3.) Get Her a Life Alert: This tip might not help save your grandma from a vicious, holiday season fueled reindeer attack, but it may save her life.  We’ve all seen the commercials. The phrase “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” can’t be said without thinking of the trusted emergency alert system.  Soon you’ll hear grandmas all over shouting “I’ve been brutally gored by a reindeer and my spleen is ruptured!”

4.) Tell Her a You Saw a Middle Eastern Family in the Neighborhood: Let’s face it; grandmas these days grew up in a different time where ignorance was bliss. Many of them have a lingering distaste for anyone appearing to be different from them without any sort of reasonable explanation. Keep your grandma safe with this little white lie about seeing a Middle Eastern Family (or any minority for that matter) in the area and your grandma will be too busy peeking out her blinds with her binoculars to go outside and get mowed down by a reindeer.

5.) Put Her in a Home: This final tip for the holidays is a sure fire way to keep grandma safe and sound for however many years to come she has left (hopefully not too many, these places are expensive!). Park your grandma in a home with all the other grandmas and she’ll be protected by the watchful eye of an underqualified assisted living center employee. She can watch Golden Girls reruns, send you a check for $5 every year on your birthday and tell you the story of how she once met The Rat Pack again when you visit her twice a year.