ROCHESTER – “There is no such thing as Confederate Claus, Frank!” That was the last thing Frank Smith heard as he was forcibly escorted out of his downtown workplace during the office holiday party. This all started when it was announced that the theme of the party would be “White Christmas”. Though the theme was a nod to the classic Irving Berlin song of the same name, Smith misinterpreted it as a call to show his true “colors”. Unfortunately, those colors were in the form of a green pointed hood.
“We should have known that there was going to be some trouble, but we did not imagine this”, HR director Susan Lance said to reporters. “When the email about the party and theme went out, his cubemates said he jumped up and yelled, ‘Finally!’, and then he leered ominously at our intern Lakshmi.” Lakshmi, for her part, had a different view of the whole incident. She was not surprised at Smith’s conduct at the party, as she saw it as in line with his conduct during business hours. He would regularly play radio shows from local friendly bigot Bob Lonsberry loudly at his desk for everyone to hear. He once bought doughnuts for the office, but put a sign in front of them that said, “For REAL Americans only”. During meetings, Smith would regularly interrupt Native Brooklynite Lakshmi when she spoke with taunts like, “God, speak English”, or, “Maybe that’s how they do it where YOU’RE from”.
The night of the party, Smith appeared to be already inebriated when he entered the re-purposed conference room. Colleagues said he reeked of Evan Williams, and he was wearing Christmas tree costume. Upon further examination, the “costume” consisted of a green pointy hood and shiny robe, and the garland said “all lives matter”. He was not a Christmas tree at all. He was a high ranking official in a white supremacist social club, and he was ready to party.
When Smith looked around and saw the usual diverse group, he demanded to know what “they” were doing there, given the theme of “White Christmas”. He violently lost his temper when he learned that Irving Berlin, the original writer/composer of “White Christmas”, was Jewish. At this point, security guards wrestled him to the ground and shuffled him away.
“Racial insensitivity is something we take very seriously, and we will not tolerated such a blatant display, no matter how festive he looks”, Director Lance declared. “I am glad we nipped this in the bud so that we can go back to ignoring sexual harassment reports.”