Rochester,NY- The past few months have been a very trying time for men in powerful places. From Kevin spacey to Louis C.K., men are for the first time having to take responsibility for their actions. It’s a scary time to be a sexual predator in this cruel world that doesn’t understand that they were just “having fun” and people need to understand things were “different” back then. Our reports have indicated that the man who started this trend of predators being called out for their behavior, Harvey Weinstein has now been found hiding out as a professor at the university of rochester in hopes of some sort of protection from the general public. We were able to get a one on one interview with him and this is what he had to say.
” I just dont understand what this world is coming too, I mean I remember the days where a fella could just yell out their innermost sexual thoughts at a woman on the street and it would be considered flirting. I guess I’ve lost touch with this generation. That’s why I came to the university of rochester, it seems like they remember the good ole days of protecting their own and not just throwing them under the bus. I figure I can spend the rest of my days here as a professor, earn my tenor, and smooth sailing from there. God, I should have been a professor this entire time.”
Update: The university of rochester has reported they will be giving every professor a once a semester “Get out of sexual harassment free” card from now on.
With news coming out every day outing various male celebrities who are being exposed for sexual assault, a new campaign has been released to help shine a light on the true victims, men who are bummed out to discover celebrities they like have committed sexual assault.
Using the hashtag #NotHim men have come out in droves to spread awareness of the negative effect awareness of sexual assault has caused them.
Twitter user @NotAllMenImANiceGuyISwear63 this Saturday tweeted
“Damn, I really liked the show Louie. Please respect me and my families privacy during this tough time as we deal with this news. #NotHim”
“Where is our ribbon?” Said Ken Kennson, of Pittsford.
“We’re planning a march next month, I think a lot of people have swept this issue under the rug, it’s kind of been an open secret for years now, people don’t understand just how effected we are by hearing about sexual assault on the internet.”
Ken is one of the leaders of the “Guilty until proven innocent” activist group.
“I don’t know, how can we trust all 47 corroborating statements from various women? I think we need to wait until we have all the facts here before we rush to judgment on these claims that have been made for decades.”
ROCHESTER, NY – It is that fourth time of the year again: Rochester’s fourth quarterly Straight Pride Festival, this time costumes.
Straight Pride Season starts in January and runs a short 365 days through to the 31st of December. However, the first big straight pride celebration occurs the weekend of or before March 17th, when straight bros from Rochester and all neighboring cities get together to witness the St. Patrick’s Day Parade and pretend that they are Irish, no matter how Polish or Italian their names are. Celebration culminates vomiting green beer and getting into unnecessary fights.
The second straight pride festival comes two months later on Cinco de Mayo, or May the 5th. It is unknown why the Council of Bros has designated the anniversary of the Battle of Puebla as a day for straight pride, but regardless, the day is designated for straight guys to dress in culturally insensitive outfits, recite inaccurate descriptions of the holiday, vomit tequila, and get into unnecessary fights.
Park Avenue Arts Festival is widely seen in the area as the jewel of Straight Pride Season. 2/3 of Park Avenue and its tributary roads are transformed into a giant open air frat party. There is junk food and beer and liquor and blaring music everywhere. Multiple games of Cornhole and Beer Pong are available to play on nearly every corner. One fortunate year, there were pickup trucks whose beds were filled with water to turn them into makeshift wading pools. Art kiosks are put up to give the illusion of it being a family event, but the real spirit of Park Ave Fest is Peer Pong, vomiting whiskey, and unnecessary fights.
Finally, we come to Halloween. Though the obligatory Fireball shots and unnecessary fighting are observed, this time it is done with costumes. The Council of Bros has designated this straight pride festival to be the one where they can dress as their favorite superhero of movie monster while vomiting Fireball shots and getting into unnecessary fights. The irony is that they often mock cosplayers for doing so, but because of the whey protein and iridescent energy drinks they imbibe on a regular basis, the CoB is immune to claim that they are crybaby basement virgins when they dress in costume.
Women have a myriad of choices for costumes, from “sexy nurse” to “sexy Ninja Turtle”. Anything is on the table for sexualization, even childhood cartoons and inanimate objects. Putting “sexy” in front of any noun is the Rule #34 of Halloween. The night will be filled with multiple events and costume parties, where “sexy” crayons and frat Ironmen will get together to party, vomit, and unnecessarily fight.
If you are lucky, you might find someone dressed in a grotesquely inappropriate costume, such as a radio host dressed as a sexual predator, or someone who bought one of the Bags o’ Racism® available at any of the pop-up costumes stores throughout town. You may even find a person in blackface as a 1958-1986 Michael Jackson, at which point the vomiting will stop, and there will be an actual necessary fight.
Festivities will start promptly at 4:00pm on the 31st, continue through the night, and result in multiple hangovers and call-ins the following morning.
Rochester NY- Halloween is upon us again, the partygoers will be hitting the streets soon, droves of people dressed as pennywise the clown, batman and the cast from stranger things will roam the streets. Yet, you cant get this feeling off your chest. What is that bitch Stacey going as. You know Stacey, she always downplays Halloween, acts like she doesn’t care. Yet, always has the most elaborate outfit every year as if she didn’t have this planned out months in advance. Here are five signs that bitch Stacey is going as Harley Quinn this year.
She LOVED Suicide Squad– Like seriously, she wouldn’t shut the f*** up about it. Do you even care about plot or story Stacey? You shallow asswipe. This is why the movie industry is suffering, because people like you make movies like Suicide Squad win Oscars. Bitch.
She bought the extended cut of Suicide Squad- WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT! WHAT IN GODS NAME COULD THEY HAVE ADDED! Is there a scene where Killer Croc gives a monologue about his tough childhood and how growing up with a clearly tragic skin disease caused him to have a life fueled by hate and feeling rejected. No? didn’t think so. Grow the f*** up Stacey.
She posted on a buzzfeed quiz about how she would be Harley Quinn if she was apart of Suicide Squad– Jesus Christ, f*** off.
I found red and black makeup on her dresser- It was just sitting there, I wasn’t like in her room stalking her or whatever, it just happened to be out when I passed by. It’s not weird.
I’m dressing up as Joker– Stacey is my girlfriend, we’ve been fighting a lot, but I hope doing this couples costume will help deal with some major underlying issues in our relationship. I mean, I know couples are supposed to fight, but everyday? That seems a bit excessive..maybe we should go to a counselor or something…..god damn it.
Rochester,NY- Glen Edith has been an innovator in the Rochester scene following behind the likes of “Joe bean” and creating more than just a quick pick me up and go coffee environment. They established them selves on park avenue and quickly made their way to Elton street. With both locations becoming successful, they set their sites on Boxcar, a hybrid of fried chicken and donuts with of course, Glen edith at the helm as their coffee brand. They are now taking the inevitable next step forward and introducing the game changing “Coffee, Donut, Chicken bowl”. We spoke with the owner of Glen Edith to understand how his decision on this item.
” You know when we first opened Glen Edith we had a strong vision of people with thick black framed glasses and flannel shirts taking pictures on their instagram account to be the main portion of our business. We didn’t expect it to be as successful as it is now, we understand that the hipster community in Rochester will literally eat or drink anything we sell as long as it has a very “simplistic logo” and we charge an extra ten dollars compared to other shops. Making this move to just violently shove coffee, donuts and chicken into bowl really seemed like a no brainer. We hope everyone enjoys this bowl for only $39 dollars at any of our locations.”
Following this news, we have heard that Joe bean will be introducing a shot of espresso with a ten minute monologue from the barista about what country they grew it in or some bullshit.
ROCHESTER, NY- As Halloween draws near, many local parents have taken to social media to express their disappointment in the steep decline over the years in the amount of dank drugs and sick ass razor blades they used to find when inspecting their kids Halloween candy.
“Things ain’t how they used to be….back in the 90’s? I’d atleast get a pill or a needle, and that was on a bad day. Sometimes you’d get lucky and there’d be some coke AND a razor blade to chop it up with. The times they are a changing…Is Trump to blame? Hard to say”
Said Father of 3 Henderson Helmsly on his blog “Old white man complains about things.” which he started after feeling as though old white mens complaints and ramblings weren’t in enough abundance on the internet.
“One time I found a straight up katana hidden into a Baby Ruth.” He added.
Studies show that over the past decade the amount of drugs and super sweet needles and razors has declined over 65%, with parents getting lucky to even find half of a klonopin mixed into some smarties.
Many parents are wondering if it’s even worth it to celebrate this year.
Marsha Lyndon of Brighton had this to say.
“What’s the point? Halloween is a time to celebrate, get dressed up, take your kids around the neighborhood and trip balls on whatever unmarked pills you find in their haul. It seems like noone respects the tradition anymore. Very sad.”
LAS VEGAS – A pack of lone wolves that has been terrorizing the United States since 1982 wreaked havoc on a sleepy Nevada city, forcing an innocent white man to shoot one of his many automatic rifles into a crowd of people enjoying a quiet Sunday brunch with music from local bands. Hundreds were injured, and 59 people perished thanks to this pack of lone wolves. They then forced the man to turn the gun on himself and fled the scene before authorities could apprehend them and stop their murderous, decades long rampage.
The REAL victim, Stephen Paddock, was enjoying a quiet night with 23 of his favorite firearms in his 32nd floor room in the Mandalay Bay bed & breakfast. Police hypothesize that the lone wolves broke into his room door using a swiped key card, loaded his weapons, and positioned Paddock to murder 59 people and injure 527 others. The chaos that entailed has since been gripping the nation, causing them to ponder the reason these lone wolves keep doing this, and why they target such innocent white men. Not counting domestic violence, Lone Wolves have forced 134 people to shoot into public crowds since 1966. Most of these shooters are male and white. Lone Wolves have forced white men to kill 949 people.
Lone Wolves target very specific people. After the men are apprehended or killed, you realize how innocent they are. Most of them are quiet and keep to themselves. They were single loners, came from good homes, had very adorable elementary school and high school pictures, and they often loved their families. Often they are fragile of ego, but they are fine as long as someone strokes their ego incessantly. Sometimes there was a period of time that they may or may not have had a personality disorder or a mental illness, but for the most part they were socially stable angels and pillars of their communities. It may be just coincidence that they own an attic full of nazi paraphernalia or a bootleg copy of The Anarchist Cookbook or a pile of pornographic magazines with the eyes of the models cut out? The Lone Wolves often target these poor men, but they are nice guys, as the family assure everyone. Sometimes the men themselves assure you that they are nice guys in a long written or video manifesto.
No one knows why Lone Wolves do this to such quiet white men, but some believe it is because of their concern for mental health or Chicago or “black on black” crime things that are “too soon”, as these are the subjects most often brought up when they force these innocent white men to kill others and sometimes themselves. No matter what, though, they definitely do NOT want to bring attention to gun regulation in the country.
Authorities continue to search for the pack of lone wolves. If you have any information, just go into hiding, as authorities will not pay attention to them until they’ve made another innocent white man kill people.
BRIGHTON, NY – Hilton resident Will Forberg has not had a good week. He came from his class at Monroe Community College to find the confederate flag affixed to his car had been vandalized. He immediately took to Twitter to express his dismay, saying:
“Shout out to the nigger at mcc who vandalized my confederate flag…you’ll be a white mans property soon enough give trump time”.
So angry was he that he did not see the irony in using black slang (“Shout out”) to denigrate black people. Poor Will also did not realize that New York was a Union state during the Civil War and that the confederate flag is not only the flag of the losing side, but also the symbol quickly adopted by such white supremacist groups as the Ku Klux Klan and Mississippi who wished to intimidate and murder people of color after the collapse of Reconstruction. It is speculated that history classes at MCC are only in the spring semester, which is why Mr. Forberg was ignorant of these facts.
Two days after the vandalization of Mr. Forberg’s American Swastika flag, the assailant came forward. In a short tweet and screen capture image of Will Forberg’s tweet. A Twitter handle by the name of @DeadDouglass stated boldly:
“Yeah, I did it! And you can’t catch me, because I’ve been dead for over 100 years! Whatcha gon’ do now, Lil’ Willy?”
The ghost of Frederick Douglass claimed credit for vandalizing Will Forberg’s flag and used his Twitter account to brag about it. There is no protocol for punishing a ghost for destruction of property, as there is no way to try a dead person for committing crimes. Mr. Forberg has not yet come back to class, as even though Monroe Community College announced that it may do nothing about his statement, or the fact that he proudly displayed a symbol of hate on the campus in direct violation of its student code of conduct. Some speculate that he realized that there are black people on the campus, and he is afraid that they will give him a stern talking to, as black people are known to do.
Frederick Douglass was born into slavery in Talbot County, MD in 1818. He taught himself to read and escaped his life of servitude in his 20s and traveled through Pennsylvania, New York City, Massachusetts and even Great Britain and Ireland, before settling in 1847 in Rochester. Though he died living in Washington, DC as a federal US Marshal, his body is buried in Mt. Hope Cemetery next to his first wife. Since his death, he has been active on Twitter since Donald Trump errantly thought he was alive. Douglass thought it was a call to action and has been harassing bigots from beyond the grave while trying to convince Donald Trump that he is most definitely dead. Due to a Ouija board malfunction, Mr. Douglass could not be contacted for a statement.
Rochester,NY- Say goodbye to the Medley Centre and say hello to Rochester’s first ever “Sarlacc Pit.”
At a special press conference this afternoon the new owner of the Medley Centre announced the plans for the future of the ghost invested former commerce center. “It’s a real pity that Irondequoit has been home to this eyesore for so long. There has always been something sar-lacking if you catch my drift. I’m talking about a mother-fugging Sarlacc Pit my dudes!”
The former mall has laid dormant since 2009 when the last tenants left the site. The property, and nine adjoining parcels, for $100,000 at a 2016 auction by a self-described “Star Wars Fanatic.”
“I figure this will put Rochester on the map. This will be the first Sarlacc Pit on Earth! We could throw so much garbage in there come on!” We reached out to Irondequoit Mayors who sent us this note: Literally anything would be better looking than the mess that is the medley centre. Even
Rochester N.Y. – Marissa Collins is a normal 27 year old young professional. She has a good job, a bustling social life and a boyfriend of three years whom she plans to spend the rest of her life with. Marissa has always wanted a family but knows that her youth is important to her and doesn’t want her life to take a turn due to an unplanned pregnancy. A long time birth control user, Marissa has taken a leap of faith by cancelling her birth control prescription and trading it in for a season pass to Seabreeze Family Fun Park.
“The time spent at Seabreeze is an obviously more efficient and more practical form of birth control,” said Marissa. “Who wants to have their alarm embarrassingly go off once a day, alerting everyone nearby that you are actively pre-aborting fetuses before they are even made.”
Marissa tells us that instead of taking a pill daily, she spends a half a day at the amusement park once a week and it extinguishes any ability of her own to procreate and conceive a child. “The throngs of screaming spawn, running around the park with pee in their pants and hair may as well be a chastity belt with a melted key,” says Collins’ longtime boyfriend, Nathan Brown. “It’s frustrating at times, but the days her and I spend at the park are fun, and I can barely get a boner anymore as it is after having my groin scrunched by roller coaster constraints so many times.”
We asked the couple if they planned on one day having a child of their own to bring to the park and enjoy in the fun, to which Marissa replied with laughter, “Maybe one day, when they bring back the Gyrosphere.” But for now, the pair seem content with their decision to keep their genitals dormant like sleeping volcanos. “After seeing how simple it is for any old set of idiots to make a grosser, smaller version of themselves, the thought of birthing a child seems to have lost its luster for me,” said Ms. Collins, “Now get out of my way, I need to try and sneak this cotton candy onto the Jack Rabbit.”