Rochester,NY- Say goodbye to the Medley Centre and say hello to Rochester’s first ever “Sarlacc Pit.”
At a special press conference this afternoon the new owner of the Medley Centre announced the plans for the future of the ghost invested former commerce center.
“It’s a real pity that Irondequoit has been home to this eyesore for so long. There has always been something sar-lacking if you catch my drift. I’m talking about a mother-fugging Sarlacc Pit my dudes!”
The former mall has laid dormant since 2009 when the last tenants left the site. The property, and nine adjoining parcels, for $100,000 at a 2016 auction by a self-described “Star Wars Fanatic.”
“I figure this will put Rochester on the map. This will be the first Sarlacc Pit on Earth! We could throw so much garbage in there come on!”
We reached out to Irondequoit Mayors who sent us this note:
Literally anything would be better looking than the mess that is the medley centre. Even
a giant Star Wars sand butt-hole with teeth.
Rochester, NY-The Sea Breeze pier has been a hotbed of Pokémon GO activity since the game was released in July 2016. Adults from all around Rochester camp out near the draw bridge to use their phone to catch a pocket monsters and distract them from their pending deaths.
Scott Tilthert of Irondequoit is one of Rochester’s top Pokémon GO players fighting for Team Valor. “I currently am the leader at more than 10 gyms in the Greater Rochester area” said Scott after nobody asked him any questions. “But the toughest challenge I have faced was here at the Sea Breeze pier battling for the heart of Misty.”
Misty is the nickname given to redheaded Websterian Clair Deloon, another frequenter of the pier. “I started playing ironically but then got hooked. Also, I know everywhere else I am maybe a 6 but around these Pokemon GO people I feel like a 10” said Clair. “I don’t think a lot of these guys have seen a boob.”
Scott admitted to falling in love with Clair at first sight, and Clair admitted to noticing Scott starring at her with his mouth open. “Honestly the only reason I started talking to him was because my phone battery was running low and he had like 18 portable chargers” said Clair.
“Just like any strong Pokémon it took several raspberries and patients to finally catch her” Scott told The inner loop. “After weeks of asking her if she wanted anything from Bill Grey’s, she finally gave in and asked for a cup of water. Finally, our first date!”
When we told this to Ms. Deloon she said: “Oh god. Did he tell you we’re going on a date? I was just trying to be polite. Great. I am going to have to quit this game now. This is exactly what happened at the Magic The Gathering Tournaments at Village Gate!”