Tag Archives: Theonionneedstobuyusout

5 Signs Your Stuck Behind That Fucking Pedal Pub Tour Thing Again

Rochester, NY- It’s another day in lovely Rochester, you’re planning on just taking a quick drive down to park avenue for a drink, when it happens. You see it up ahead, you can’t avoid it, no side streets to go down, no alternate routes, no escape. That fucking pedal pub tour bus is up ahead blocking traffic. The pedal pub tour has been a staple in the Rochester community, bringing groups of drunk people from bar to bar on something out of a twisted willy wonka movie. If you’re ever unsure if the pedal pub tour is up ahead , here are five solid signs, you’re stuck behind that pedal pub tour thing again

  1. The Smell Of Bud Light Is In The Air– You can hear the cars up ahead beeping, you can see little remnants of flashing lights and a bright lights, but then it hits you, that distinct smell of bud light, the smell of kids who never left their hometown, the smell of people who paid over three hundred dollars to ride a bike. That’s the smell of the pedal pub tour.
  2. The Guy With The Rochester Plates Hat Almost Fell Off- You can see everyone having fun, drinking, laughing, singing, yet every tour has that one asshole who wears his “Rochester Plates” hat because he hasn’t discovered anything outside of Rochester and thinks it’s good to have hometown pride, meanwhile he’s on the verge of falling off the back of the bike.
  3. That Drunk Bitch Tiffany Is stumbling Out Of Half-pint- This is Tiffany’s third pedal pub tour in one year, yeah sure, one was for work, the other was a bachlorette party, but this time she chose to do it on her own. Is it to get over Derrick? Who knows, all we know is this is the thousandth time she’s stumbled out half-pint screaming about getting some dick on tinder. Get it together Tiffany.
  4. Trails Of Vomit And Half Eaten Garbage Plates Are In The Street- That squishing sound underneath your tire? No, it’s not another squirrel. It’s a fucking half eaten garbage plate from dogtown, some genius always thinks they can eat and bike and drink, yet again, these people are on the equivalent of an adult themed Chuck E Cheese ride.
  5. You’re writing down the number on the back of the bike- No, not to report it. You have a birthday coming up and quite honestly…it looks kind of fun. Fuck your life.
Advertisements

Rochester To Return To Normal State Of Chaos, Instead Of Windy State Of Chaos

Rochester, NY- A storm like no other came through Rochester last week. Trees crashed on top of cars, power lines were going down left and right. Chaos ran the streets of Rochester. The 81 miles per hour wind came in and nearly decimated our beautiful city. Luckily, this has passed. As it stands now most of Rochester has power and everything has now returned to its normal state of chaos. We spoke with a local resident to see how he’s handling the nice return to Rochester’s perpetual normal state of chaos.

” I’m so grateful for those winds to finally have calmed down, I’ll tell yah it was getting pretty scary. Now I can walk down the streets without the fear of a tree falling on me and just get back to avoiding eye contact with the uncomfortable amount of homeless people on the streets. I saw an entire roof get blown off during the storm, scary stuff. It’s nice to just go back to being racially profiled on a regular Rochester afternoon.”